Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[arianjalali]

m_26, guide me in your ways. I am ready to receive all forms of critiquing possible as I would consider this my initial rough draft. I might have deviated from the norm a little bit, but I did this 'cause it felt right to say. If you think I deviated too much, then I have alternate content I can use to revise the first and part of the last paragraphs. I really need guidance on the overall structure and "flow" of the statement. Thanks to all in advance. (I tried to indent paragraphs, but I couldn't figure out how to in the thread.)


"I was stuck in traffic yesterday and the license plate on the car in front of me caught my attention. I pulled up beside him, rolled my window down, and he reciprocated. I told him that I had just enlisted in the United States Navy and that I aspired to accomplish the same goal he had achieved in his lifetime. He said it was the best decision he ever made and wished me luck on my journey. His license plate said “USNAV8TR”.

I was involved in as many organizations and activities that I could have been while earning my diploma at a small-town Christian school. I spent four years playing for the varsity soccer team as well as competing in track and field, developing skills of camaraderie while also striving to seek personal development. I served as class president my senior year and assisted with faculty duties. In addition to these responsibilities, I helped lead the saxophone section in concert band all throughout high school. My greatest achievement would have been ascertaining the West Virginia “PROMISE” scholarship, which covered my entire undergraduate tuition to any university within the state.

The concept of being a hard worker has been ingrained in me since my first job at the age of sixteen. When I turned eighteen, I began seeking my undergraduate degree while also being employed full-time. If you incorporate a forty-five minute commute and the typical duties associated with living on your own, then you have created a fairly demanding routine for a college student. Yet, I have maintained a well-rounded lifestyle by exercising, spending time with family and friends, and going to church. Linguistics has always interested me. I was taught Farsi and English while growing up and have been working towards mastering Spanish since tenth grade. In my spare time, I pursue my passion for aviation by utilizing flight simulators and working towards a private pilot license through lessons from a local flight instructor.

There comes a point when an individual decides what they are going to do with their life. I arrived at that moment not too long ago and knew I wanted to become a Naval Officer. I did not make this decision because I wanted to honor the memory of my grandfather. I made this decision because I want to become the grandfather that my children can look up to and admire."

 

[m26]

m_26, guide me in your ways.

Now I'm on the spot :sick_125:

I might have deviated from the norm a little bit, but I did this 'cause it felt right to say... I really need guidance on the overall structure and "flow" of the statement. Thanks to all in advance.

It looks (mostly) good to me... And yes, it does need some work in that dept.

(I tried to indent paragraphs, but I couldn't figure out how to in the thread.)

Pressing the space bar 3/4 times usually works.

I told him that I had just enlisted in the United States Navy and that I aspired to accomplish the same goal he had achieved in his lifetime.

If this line wasn't in here, I would never have guessed that you were prior/active. Sounds like you went straight to college. I wouldn't break up the opening ¶, but I would explain that somewhere.

His license plate said “USNAV8TR”.

-> read,

I was involved in as many organizations and activities that I could have been while earning my diploma at a small-town Christian school.

There's always one more. Perhaps you should phrase it more accurately (or clearly, if it really is true).

I spent four years playing for the varsity soccer team

I spent four years playing varsity soccer

developing skills of camaraderie while also striving to seek personal development.

Oh, boy. Camaraderie isn't a skill, and striving to seek...? No.

I served as class president my senior year and assisted with faculty duties.

I'm not sure how you can adjust this, but I am wondering - and I bet others will too - what constitute "faculty duties."

My greatest achievement would have been ascertaining the West Virginia “PROMISE” scholarship

"Would have been"? Did you get it?

When I turned eighteen, I began seeking my undergraduate degree while also being employed full-time.

"Seeking" sounds like you were looking for it. "Being employed" is passive. You want active.

If you incorporate a forty-five minute commute and the typical duties associated with living on your own, then you have created a fairly demanding routine for a college student.

You just suddenly switch to the second person here. I would recommend rephrasing it in the 3rd, but I think you could make 1st work.

Linguistics has always interested me.

You just suddenly turn here. At the least, you need to ¶ here, and segue better.

I was taught Farsi and English while growing up

Did you actually learn Farsi, or were you just taught it?

In my spare time, I pursue my passion for aviation by utilizing flight simulators

Use something other than "utilizing."

and working towards a private pilot license through lessons from a local flight instructor.

--> and working towards a private pilot license. [Is the nomenclature "private pilot's license?]

I did not make this decision because I wanted to honor the memory of my grandfather.

This is specific, but it has no reference point. You need to provide one, or make this sentence generic.

I made this decision because I want to become the grandfather that my children can look up to and admire.

First, I would recommend "a grandfather."

Second, I think it's weird the way you create a grandfather-grandchild dynamic, then use "children," another generation entirely.

 

[arianjalali]

Thank you for the handful of corrections, m_26. Sorry to put you on the spot like that, but I have read a score of your revisions and knew that you would be able to help me. I will be going through my rough draft after I get off work and fixing everything that needs fixed. Do you recommend that I change the content of the first and last paragraphs entirely, though? I was trying to think "outside of the box" a little and I don't know how the board will respond to that. I can substitute the first with a "death in the family" scenario that became the catalyst that catapulted me into making the decision to join the military in the first place. I feel like that might be (albeit the truth) generic, though. I just wish we were able to write more than 400 words. I guess that's what's so difficult about the statement..

 

[m26]

Do you recommend that I change the content of the first and last paragraphs entirely, though? I was trying to think "outside of the box" a little and I don't know how the board will respond to that. I can substitute the first with a "death in the family" scenario that became the catalyst that catapulted me into making the decision to join the military in the first place. I feel like that might be (albeit the truth) generic, though. I just wish we were able to write more than 400 words. I guess that's what's so difficult about the statement..

First of all, I try to stick as close to standard grammar/syntax revisions as possible for 3 reasons:
1) It has to be yours, and I don't want to write it for you
2) If I go beyond that I'll be spending way too much time on this
3) It's just too difficult to say what is good, bad, better, or worse when it comes to the broader strokes of these statements

Now, as to the first paragraph, if you are active/prior it should be good to go. It's confusing to me, as a reader, but someone who has read your app and seen that you did, in fact, enlist will have no trouble understanding that line (assuming they read the app before the statement).

For the reasons I listed above, I'm not going to speculate as to whether or not you should change the content of those paragraphs. I will just say that if you leave the content as it is, be sure to make the content clear, for the reasons I gave you.


Thinking "outside-the-box" is up to you. No one knows what the reader is looking for. This is how I would prioritize the elements of a motivational statement:

1) Clarity, correct grammar, correct spelling, etc
2) What motivates you to pursue a commission
3) What motivates you to pursue your designator (if - and only if - you only have 1, and you are hell-bent on it)
4) Quality of writing

5) What makes you appealing as a candidate

6) Originality in composition

Don't sacrifice the important elements for the sake of originality. If you can nail all of those points, though, all the better.

 

[arianjalali]

God bless you, man.. That's all I have to say. I won't bug you too much more at this point. I am just going to revise my statement accordingly and run it by you one more time. Thanks again.

 

[m26]

Run it as many times as you want. Gives me something to do while I'm waiting to head home. If no one has time to look at it, it won't get read. Simple as that.

 

[arianjalali]

Lol fair enough. When do you head home? Congratulations on your Pro-Rec, by the way. I hope I'm lucky enough to receive one of those some day..

 

[m26]

Friday.

Thanks. Good luck with your application. It seems like most people on here who want it bad enough get it in the end. If you want it bad enough you'll get there.

 

[arianjalali]

Alright, here's my revision:

I was stuck in traffic one day and the license plate on the car in front of me caught my attention. I pulled up beside him, rolled my window down, and he reciprocated. I told him that I was going to enlist in the United States Navy and that I aspired to accomplish the same goal he had achieved in his lifetime. He said it was the best decision he ever made and wished me luck on my journey. His license plate read, “USNAV8TR”.
There were not many extracurricular activities available for me to participate in while attending a small-town Christian school, but I pursued as many as I could. I spent four years playing varsity soccer as well as competing in track and field, developing the concept of camaraderie and personal development. I served as class president my senior year and assisted the faculty with administrative and clerical duties. In addition to these responsibilities, I helped lead the saxophone section in concert band all throughout high school. My greatest achievement was ascertaining the West Virginia “PROMISE” scholarship, which covered my entire undergraduate tuition to any university within the state.
The concept of being a hard worker has been ingrained in me since my first job at the age of sixteen. When I turned eighteen, I started obtaining my undergraduate degree while also working full-time. I had a fairly demanding routine for a college student as I had to incorporate a forty-five minute commute and the typical duties associated with living on your own into my workload. Yet, I have maintained a well-rounded lifestyle by exercising, spending time with family and friends, and going to church.
Linguistics has always interested me. I learned Farsi and English while growing up and have been working towards mastering Spanish since tenth grade. In my spare time, I pursue my passion for aviation by operating flight simulators and working towards a private pilot’s license through lessons from a local flight instructor.
There comes a point when an individual decides what they are going to do with their life. When I arrived at that moment, I knew I wanted to become a Naval Officer. This decision did not come about because I wanted to honor the memory of my grandfather. I made this decision because I want to become a grandfather that my future grandchildren can look up to and admire.

 

[eggyfox]

Ok so this is the first time this has been looked at by anyone else, will show it to some englsh department people after I have it more polished (otherwise they will tear me a new one and I'd rather that was done by strangers online Rip away!

For me, being an officer of the US Navy was not a lifelong dream as it may have been for some people, but more of an alignment of my own personal experiences and ambitions with a career that would build upon those and continue to challenge me on daily basis.

In my short life I have met people and seen places that are vastly different and I can honestly say that I feel most fortunate to be an US Citizen and with it all the rights and privileges that it entails. I whole heartedly support these rights and privileges and want to do what I can to protect them. It is because of my respect for the US Navy’s core values of “Honor, Courage, and Commitment” that I am applying for a commission in this service.

I believe that I have a lot to offer the Navy with my intelligence and wisdom beyond my years. I received scholarships in high school and college. I worked two jobs through most of college, played competitive sport, whilst still maintaining an exemplary GPA and receiving numerous academic awards. Since graduation, I have consistently been a top performer in the office, on the sports field, and in the social realm. I can offer hard work, dedication and an ability to learn fast and adapt in order to do what needs to be done. I am not one to sit on my laurels, I am always looking to improve myself and recently began training towards my PPL.

It has taken 24 years to get to the point where I am ready to take on the biggest challenge on my life, becoming an officer in the US navy. I am an honest person with solid values who plans on being a career officer. I am an extremely bright, fit and healthy person who relishes the opportunity to challenge myself physically and mentally in one of the world’s most demanding professions. I look to become an officer and an aviator in the Navy, not as a job, but as a way of life, the kind of life that I want to live! Simultaneously challenging and rewarding, serving the Navy would both be a dream fulfilled and a responsibility accepted gratefully. Given my background, education, and experiences, as well as my heartfelt desire to serve, I believe I would make an excellent officer of the US Navy.

 

[m26]

Better!

I spent four years playing varsity soccer as well as competing in track and field, developing the concept of camaraderie and personal development.

I'm still not keen on "developing the concept." You were developing camaraderie.

My greatest achievement was ascertaining the West Virginia “PROMISE” scholarship, which covered my entire undergraduate tuition to any university within the state.

I'm 93% sure you can't "ascertain" a scholarship.

This decision did not come about because...

Use the active, first-person voice. The decision isn't a gold nugget you stumbled upon or a bus that hit you out of the blue when you crossed the street. It is something you did.


Overall, much better. I like it.

 

[m26]

For me, being an officer of the US Navy was not a lifelong dream [_], but more of an alignment of my own personal experiences and ambitions with a career that would build upon those and continue to challenge me on daily basis.

Did you notice your opening ¶ was only one sentence? I don't know that there's anything wrong with that, necessarily, but it's odd.

In my short life I have met people and seen places that are vastly different

Yes, Tulsa and the mayor of Tulsa are two vastly different entities.
I don't really know where you're going with this. I kind of sense it, but what I think you might be trying to say and what you've actually said are wildly different matters.

It is because of my respect for the US Navy’s core values of “Honor, Courage, and Commitment” that I am applying for a commission in this service.

REMEMBER KIDS: IF YOU'RE APPLYING BECAUSE OF THE MOTTO, YOU'RE APPLYING FOR THE WRONG REASON

I believe that I have a lot to offer the Navy with my intelligence and wisdom beyond my years.

How do you quantify wisdom?

I received scholarships in high school and college.

Private school? Or did you receive college scholarships in college?

I worked two jobs through most of college, played competitive sport, whilst still maintaining an exemplary GPA.

Not a Royal Navy application

Since graduation, I have consistently been a top performer in the office, on the sports field, and in the social realm.

Again, a sort of "if you say so" remark.

my PPL.

Private Pilot's License

It has taken 24 years to get to the point where I am ready to take on the biggest challenge on my life, becoming an officer in the US navy.

Go to OWL, look this up. A dash will work, a colon might... it might be a matter of taste. On the off chance a comma is acceptable, it's certainly not desirable.

I am an honest person with solid values who plans on being a career officer. I am an extremely bright, fit and healthy person who relishes the opportunity to challenge myself physically and mentally in one of the world’s most demanding professions. I look to become an officer and an aviator in the Navy, not as a job, but as a way of life, the kind of life that I want to live! Simultaneously challenging and rewarding, serving the Navy would both be a dream fulfilled and a responsibility accepted gratefully. Given my background, education, and experiences, as well as my heartfelt desire to serve, I believe I would make an excellent officer of the US Navy.

No.

It sounds desperate and insecure. I'll leave it at that; I don't want to sound to mean. Just... no.

 

[yakboyslim]

@eggyfox

I am not one to sit on my laurels

Because you are done with that massive list of accomplishments? This is a little bit too cocky of a statement for me.

serving the Navy would both be a dream fulfilled and a responsibility accepted gratefully.

I Liked this phrase.

I am an honest person with solid values who plans on being a career officer

Why do they care if you want to a career officer? I don't think it will sway their decision if you are going to be in your minimum and then ditch, or stay in the whole career. I think you are trying too hard to sell yourself.

Overall it sounded a lot like how you would impress a company's HR person. Make sure you are not just listing why you are the best thing since sliced bread, unless you can specifically back it up. Saying you are good at this and that is not worth much. These people are already Navy officers, their experience trumps you saying you are good at things. Show them with examples.

Also lay off telling them why you are so great for a few. It is a motivational statement. While part of it is telling why YOU would be a good officer, more of it should be about why being an officer would be good for you. What "motivates" you.

Also, what m26 said. All of it. He's good, and quicker than me.

 

[yakboyslim]

@arianjalali

I pulled up beside him, rolled my window down, and he reciprocated

I don't think you need this sentence, at least not all of it. You could use those words elsewhere to better effect.

In my spare time, I pursue my passion for aviation by operating flight simulators and working towards a private pilot’s license through lessons from a local flight instructor.

I don't like "operated". But "played" is no good either. maybe replace "by operating" with "through" or "with". Just an idea, the sentence might need to be worked around a bit.

There comes a point when an individual decides what they are going to do with their life. When I arrived at that moment, I knew I wanted to become a Naval Officer. This decision did not come about because I wanted to honor the memory of my grandfather. I made this decision because I want to become a grandfather that my future grandchildren can look up to and admire.

Good stuff. Though mentioning your grandfather for the first time here makes it seem like you have a vendetta against your grandfather. I don't think that's what you meant, it just reads that way. Don't know how to rewrite to avoid that without getting rid of your last sentence, which is pure gold. Maybe say "Some join because of what their grandfather did. I made this decision....", or something like that.

 

[eggyfox]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I don't want to come off as arrogant, just confident in my abilities. My writing is UK English and I need to be careful of that. I see that with some of the changes you propose I can also lose some of the fluff and say something more meaningful with my limited words. Thanks for shredding that up.