Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[arianjalali]

(m26, I hope you're still kicking on this thread..) I scrapped my old statement completely and am calling upon your grammatical expertise once again.. Also please feel free to tell me if you feel like this statement's content is better than the last. Thanks again!

I did not take life very seriously while growing up. Throughout high school, I was at an intellectual advantage that allowed me to coast by while maintaining a satisfactory GPA without having to apply myself. I was fortunate enough to earn the West Virginia “PROMISE” scholarship, which enabled me to attend any institution of higher education within the state at no cost. I was not yet strong enough to move away from my family; therefore, I chose to attend a respectable university that was close to where I grew up.
My attitude from high school carried over into college. By the end of my first academic year, I had managed to lose my scholarship due to a substandard GPA and insufficient number of credit hours achieved. I made a mistake. Not only did I forfeit thousands of dollars towards my education; but I lost my father’s respect and, subsequently, a residence.
I began living on my own, learning how to juggle a full-time course load in addition to a forty hour work schedule. In order to remediate my initial academic shortcomings and graduate on time, I registered for twenty-six credit hours at two separate institutions the second term of my junior year. This put me back on track and served as the catalyst I needed to excel my senior year, making the Dean’s List both semesters. Graduation was bittersweet, though because for the first time in my life, I did not know what to do next.
I will be the first to admit that I have made some wrong decisions in my life. These poor choices made due to negligence and out of weakness, however, are also responsible for my drive to reform. In conjunction with experiencing the first death in my family, I realized it was time to grow up and do something meaningful with my life. After several weeks of introspection, I made the choice to join the military.
The United States Navy is the branch that feels right for me. My ambition to become a Naval Aviator will not be relinquished. Although I have not acted on an opportunity to rise to my full potential, I am prepared to prove myself unconditionally here and now. Some people apply because of what their grandfather did for this country; I am applying because I want to become a grandfather that my future grandchildren can look up to and admire.

 

[SeaBoundRhino]

I have my motivational statement written and revised. I am hoping someone who is a current officer could read it and let me know what they think. Send me a PM and I can send it to you, I don't exactly want to put it up on here.

Thank you

 

[yakboyslim]

I have my motivational statement written and revised. I am hoping someone who is a current officer could read it and let me know what they think. Send me a PM and I can send it to you, I don't exactly want to put it up on here.

Thank you

Unfortunately I am not a current officer. I am but a mere mortal. If you decide however that a recent pro-rec will do you could PM me. Though to be honest m26 is a better editor for a lot of things. I'm just here for color commentary.

In fact you should just post it in this thread, that way we can all take a stab at it and help. Don't worry about getting called out about anything, if your stuff is refined to the point where it should be edited by others then it should be good to post here. I don't think you will bet judged on your rough drafts as posted here (as long as you have clearly given it the necessary couple proofreads before posting). So post away, if you found this thread then you have seen how it has been working for others.

 

[arianjalali]

yakboyslimmmm, I would be much obliged if you could take a look at my new statement and help me out with any grammatical flaws.

 

[yakboyslim]

@arianjalali

I did not take life very seriously while growing up

I would choose a more definite time frame. Growing up sounds too loose, and you might want to choose a word here that allows you to show that you are done with that phase of your life. I am having trouble picking a word, and I would advise against changing if it makes the sentence longer. In fact it is probably good the way it is, but at least try a couple other wordings.

I was not yet strong enough to move away from my family; therefore, I chose to attend a respectable university that was close to where I grew up.

While I like the all on the table, no secrets honesty of this rewrite, I don't know if this sentence is necessary.

My attitude from high school carried over into college.

The missing adjective in front of attitude is a missing chance to tell how you have improved since then.

I made a mistake

Though I think you meant to put "I f####d up big time" in nicer words, but this word choice could also be read "It was a small oops that anyone could have made." I would work on changing that.

In conjunction with experiencing the first death in my family, I realized it was time to grow up and do something meaningful with my life.

Expand possibly on the meaningful in life part. Perhaps a small bit about service or a chance to excel. Something along those lines is meaningful to you.

After several weeks of introspection,

I don't know if I would tell them how long it took you. Obviously I have no idea how the board would feel about things like this, but specifics like that can give too much meaning to something. I would just say "after introspection". Just my opinion though. Figure this is a nice time to put out there again that I am just a guy who got one package accepted. I am half speaking out my ass here, the other half is educated guesses and a lot of high school English classes.

The United States Navy is the branch that feels right for me.

If you can free up enough words maybe try to say why.



I like it, though you never get a real chance to talk about why you would be a good officer. I think though that your new plan of attack - to address your shortcomings in your moti statement - is great as long as the rest of your package (recent grades, LORs, and ASTB scores) are solid. Together I think it will show a person who is ready to get past their past problems, and is already headed that way strongly.

Two questions though: What prompted the rewrite? How are you going to deal with the recent law troubles?

If I am remembering right that was you (I hope that was you) I know you talk about starting a reform, but at least one of those things was very recent. I might address it more directly. I don't know though, you know more about your situation and might have a better read on how it will go over.

When do you hope to have your package in?

One last note, from what I read recent grades are far more important than overall GPA. So your grades will probably not be too big an issue.

I hope m26 or someone else helps with the grammar. I didn't trip over any sentences, so by my grammar skills it was all good. Others might be more thorough, but I am not a grammar nazi. More about content.

 

[yakboyslim]

@VTMike09

has left me feeling a call to serve

Coupled with the knowledge of the Navy’s exceptional reputation of service, I feel a strong desire to seek and earn a commission in the US Navy.

What is coupled with the knowledge of ....? You need to couple something with that if you are going to use that word choice. I don't like the sentence either way. It is a lot like a weaker version of the sentence that follows it.

knowledge through the training and first hand experience the Navy provides

Through these opportunities, I have seen first hand the invaluable nature of teamwork and leadership.

I would switch to "how invaluable teamwork and leadership are"

strong determination to accomplish goals

I tripped over this phrase. Try replacing it with something more succinct or separating the sentence it is in.

As a Naval Officer I will convey complete devotion to service, represent the core values of “Honor, Courage, Commitment,” and stand out as an exemplary member of the Officer Corp.

This sentence is a bit more cocky than I personally like. I felt a strong "let's not get ahead of ourselves" as I read it. That might just be me though.

Overall it is good. In a way generic, but your family history is impressive, and given it checks out with a "normal" application (i.e. no real speed bumps) otherwise that is not a bad thing at all. If you could free up some words and find something to put I might try to make your statement a bit more personal.

 

[m26]

I'm still figuring the new forum software out. Looks like I missed some things. I will return, but it's my vacation - no promises.

 

[VTMike09]

yakboyslim,

Congratulations on your Pro-rec, and thank you for the solid critique.

This sentence is a bit more cocky than I personally like.

After reading, I actually felt the same way about that last sentence. I had something that wasn't so bold but then remembered the importance of displaying confidence. I guess it's a fine line between confidence and cockiness. Thanks again for the input.

 

[arianjalali]

THANK YOU, yakboyslim! And m26, enjoy your vacation.. But please do come back soon heh heh.

 

[dlee007]

Here is my motivational statement...feedback please:

When pondering upon the reasoning why I was not living a successful life I looked to Aristotle who reminded me that, “those who wish to succeed must ask the right preliminary question”. It is not the question of what I want to do, nor the question of what I have to do, but the question of what I am destined to do. I found throughout my young adult experiences the answer to that question - I am destined to be a leader. Reflecting upon all my past successes in different areas of my life I have thrived the most when put in a position to lead.

After completing a successful enlistment and graduating from college I would soon board another ship that took me on a cinematic voyage through Tinsel town. Still putting my sweat, stripes, and honor to work, I quickly stood out to Hollywood’s Top Power Players as one that could withstand the high demands of working on multimillion dollar projects that put millions of Hollywood Producers and A-list Celebrity careers at stake when I was use to being on a flight deck where lives were at stake. The acquired intelligence, diligence, and camaraderie that were essential to protecting the country proved to be extremely successful in helping me entertain it. I saw the extent of my leadership skills serving in the Entertainment Industry and it is my great hope to see the extent of my leadership skills serving in the Navy as an Officer.

With the support of my friends and the encouragement of my family I am driven to be apart of creating a new milestone for this Country that emanates to the ends of the earth. Within the past year while working in an industry that strives to be the best I came to the realization that you must put out what you would like to receive in equal or greater value. That is why I am ready to put out my best in hope of receiving the privilege of being apart of the best, which for me is serving our country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[m26]

dlee,

Just for starters, you need to thoroughly revise your statement by way of capitalization and punctuation. And learn what "apart" means. And proper gerund use.

Don't try to be fancy if you haven't got the chops for it (only 10% of the population does, if that). Don't underestimate the value of simple, efficient prose - it is almost as good and will be useful far more often.

If you were some sort of glorified (or unglorified) gofer I will have to kick you in the nuts. I hope the employment listed on your application merits the way you've talked it up.

I don't want to sound mean. I want to help anyone that wants to chase this dream. But that essay was stone cold awful. Fix the truly nasty stuff and I'll be happy to help with the details.

 

[dlee007]

I took your advice and revised it and corrected the caps and punctuations. I was just a Talent Agent's assistant but it was for the biggest agency in Hollywood so I kind of made it sound impressive in the essay but I changed it up. I just didn't want the board to just read that I was a secretary. I really want to chase this dream and any help with the details will be very appreciated.

When pondering upon the reasons why I was not feeling fully satisfied in life, I looked to Aristotle who reminded me that, "Those who wish to succeed must ask the right preliminary question." It is not the question of what I want to do, nor the question of what I have to do, but the question of what I am destined to do. I found throughout my experiences the answer to that question, which is I am destined to be a leader. Reflecting upon my past successes in different areas of my life, I have thrived the most when put in a position to lead.

After completing a successful enlistment and graduating college, I soon boarded another ship that took me on a cinematic voyage through Tinsel-Town. Still putting my sweat, stripes, and honor to work, I stood out to Hollywood's top Agents and Managers as one that could withstand the high demands of working on television projects that put the careers of our celebrity clients at stake. I had been prepared for this kind of pressure by being trained on a flight deck where lives were at stake. The acquired intelligence, diligence, and camaraderie that were essential to protecting the country, proved to be successful in helping me entertain it. I saw the extent of my leadership skills serving in the Entertainment Industry, and much of it was attributed to the discipline I learned serving my country. While it was rewarding to work in Hollywood, my heart began to miss the career that initially taught me the value of what it means to serve others and make a difference. It is my great hope to see the extent of my leadership skills serving my country once again in the Navy, this time as an Officer.

With the support of my friends and family, I am driven to be a part of creating a new milestone for this country. In the past year while working in an industry that strives to shine in sharing stories, I came to the realization that I only felt I truly shined is when my story included continually serving my country with everything I have. That is why I am ready to put out my best in hope of receiving the privilege of being a part of the best, which for me is serving our country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[m26]

When pondering upon the reasons why I was not feeling fully satisfied in life, I looked to Aristotle who reminded me that, "Those who wish to succeed must ask the right preliminary question."

You ponder reasons, not ponder upon them. Although I think "reasons" may be superfluous. And pondering would be my third choice behind "considerding" and "contemplating." Being a Strunk and White disciple I would use the simpler past tense, but that may be a matter of personal preference. Excluding the quote, the sentence is about 10 words too long.

I found throughout my experiences the answer to that question, which is I am destined to be a leader. Reflecting upon my past successes in different areas of my life, I have thrived the most when put in a position to lead.

Half because I think it looks/sounds better, half because I'm too lazy to really dig into the grammar of that first sentence, I would suggest changing "question, which is" to "question: I am."

"Upon" is more formal than "on," but they mean more or less the same thing. I hate reading "upon" outside of common phrases such as "rested upon" or "took upon." That's just me, though. What is "correct," or what most people prefer is another matter entirely.

After completing a successful enlistment and graduating college, I soon boarded another ship that took me on a cinematic voyage through Tinsel-Town.

You're the Hollywood guy, but in my brief experiences I've always seen it spelled "Tinseltown." Is that not the way they do it in LA?

Still putting my sweat, stripes, and honor to work, I stood out to Hollywood's top Agents and Managers as one that could withstand the high demands of working on television projects that put the careers of our celebrity clients at stake.

How were you putting your stripes to work, exactly?
When you say you stood out, this means you were consistently promoted or given responsibility? (I ask not necessarily because it needs to be in the essay, just because if someone reads it and asks, I'd hope there's an answer ready)
You don't capitalize "agents" or "managers."

I saw the extent of my leadership skills serving in the Entertainment Industry, and much of it was attributed to the discipline I learned serving my country.

I hope you didn't see the extent of your leadership skills serving in the entertainment industry.

While it was rewarding to work in Hollywood, my heart began to miss the career that initially taught me the value of what it means to serve others and make a difference.

Again, more of a me thing and less of a right and wrong thing, but I don't like your heart missing something. It's somewhat indirect and passive. YOU began to miss the career, perhaps IN your heart.

"Teaching the value of the meaning of serving?" I think you're taught the value of serving others. I think.

It is my great hope to see the extent of my leadership skills serving my country once again in the Navy, this time as an Officer.

You might want a dash after "Navy." Look into it. OWL

With the support of my friends and family, I am driven to be a part of creating a new milestone for this country.

First of all, you reach a milestone rather than create one (unless you mean for the Russians? ). Also a milestone, in the allegorical sense, tends to be a specific achievement, and I don't quite know what you might have in mind.

That is why I am ready to put out my best in hope of receiving the privilege of being a part of the best, which for me is serving our country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

I just don't care for this sentence. I can't put my finger on why. Get some opinions.

 

[dlee007]

Ok, here it is with the suggestions worked in. Tell me what you think before I send it to my OR.

THANKS for the much appreciated and quick feedback.

When contemplating why I was not feeling fully satisfied in life, I looked to Aristotle who said, "Those who wish to succeed must ask the right preliminary question." It is not the question of what I want to do, nor the question of what I have to do, but the question of what I am destined to do. I found throughout my experiences the answer to that question: I am destined to be a leader. Reflecting on my past successes in different areas of my life, I have thrived the most when put in a position to lead.

After completing a successful enlistment and graduating college, I soon boarded another ship that took me on a cinematic voyage through Tinseltown. Still putting my sweat, honor, and integrity to work, I stood out to Hollywood's top agents and managers as one that could withstand the high demands of working on television projects that put the careers of our celebrity clients at stake. I had been prepared for this kind of pressure by being trained on a flight deck where lives were at stake. The acquired intelligence, diligence, and camaraderie that were essential to protecting the country, proved to be successful in helping me entertain it. I saw the impact of my leadership skills serving in the entertainment industry, and much of it was attributed to the discipline I learned serving my country. While it was rewarding to work in Hollywood, I began to miss the career that initially intrigued me on what it means to serve others and make a difference. It is my great hope to see the extent of my leadership skills serving my country once again in the Navy - this time as an Officer.

With the support of my friends and family, I am driven to be a part of reaching a new milestone for this country. In the past year while working in an industry that strives to shine in sharing stories, I came to the realization that I only felt I truly shined is when my story included continually serving my country with everything I have. That is why I am ready to put out my best in hope of receiving the privilege of being a part of the best, which for me is serving our country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[werdna]

If anyone has a moment to read my motivational statement, please PM me. It is 330 words long.