Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Lucy]

FReb- I think you have used a lot of you time and space in stating things the board already knows. While a sentence or so is good for a lead in you have 5 or 6. Also, while your baseball example is ok, it is not something that will set you apart. Remember that everyone who is applying to the board will mostly likely be able to cite the same type of inititive or drive. I am not saying that you should not include leading by example, I think it is a good idea, however the example doesn't really show that. Rather it shows you were part of a team and something rubbed off on them, a good thing, but not outstanding. And it does not support your following sentence about ALL areas of life. You mentioned one part, and a small part of a part at that.
Your second example focuses too much on your age. Most people who are applying are in the mid to earlier 20's. Because you can lead is good, focusing on the age difference not so much. Also the "all of sudden" does implys that it was more of chance than earned, and the "old enough to be my parents" comment is not really appropriate. Once again, most jobs include this.
In the third, again you focus on the age versus the skill. Not Good. And doing things outside of your job description really has little relevence on your leadership capabilities. The way you have it phrased it comes off that you are making a bigger deal than the position really was. Being in charge of inventory doesn't desginate that those jobs were outside of a normal work habit.

Also, you need some sort of conclusion. Sorry that seems to be a lot, but hope it helps.

Lucy

 

[FayettevilleReb]

Lucy- Thank you very much for your insight, I will go back though and amend the parts that need to be changed and repost it on here. Thanks again for your help.

 

[Lucy]

Glad to. You might try to think of a rewrite versus amending. When you approach writing with the intention to "mend" versus reconstruct you are limiting yourself to new ideas, and often better ideas. Biggest mistake I see in student writers is this approach. Very rarely will a "C" paper become anything better than a "B", and you should be shooting for an "A".

Good Luck!

 

[m26]

About 10 statements popped up the second I went on vacation. Ain't that always the way?

Anyway, I'm back. Post, repost, or PM me, and I'll try to help. Lucy seems to have this handled, though.

I'm not doing grammar anymore unless you specify that it is a final draft. No sense fixing comma use if there are 8 revisions yet to come.

 

[infogeek]

Thanks!

Thanks for your input Lucy. I've built on what I originally had, mostly to get rid of some "I" statements and take out some open-ended statements. I substituted the "ship, shipmate, self" statement with the "Decisive leadership" statement in order to lead into my next paragraph and incorporate part of the Navy Ethos (I wouldn't have cared about adding part of the Ethos but it does roll in nicely with what I'm trying to say). I would like to see what you and of course m26 think of my final draft (I've already had many an eye here on it but the more the merrier!). Thanks in advance and I wish all you guys luck this year!

[FONT=&quot]Before you can truly become a leader, you must first become an excellent follower. This is a philosophy that I have learned to live by. As a man that has walked the path of a follower, I have developed a true understanding of what it takes to become a good leader. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
Being the typical indecisive youth, my tenure in high school was less than stellar due to a lack of maturity and focus. However, I eventually grasped the bull by the horns and worked hard resulting in my graduating a year earlier than scheduled. Immediately after school, I joined the Navy as a Fire Controlman, with aspirations of a better life and determined to succeed. During a challenging, yet rewarding, tour at sea I was able to become a focused, motivated, and disciplined Sailor while learning the importance of mission success. [FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Decisive leadership is crucial to the Navy’s success. As a supervisor, it has been my duty to minimize the distractions of my Sailors to ensure the effectiveness and efficiency of the Navy’s mission. Being responsible for a Tactical Tomahawk work center helped me to understand that every decision must be thoroughly assessed to ensure that the risks involved, if any, were acceptable to both myself and my command. This experience, coupled with my philosophy, is an important part of what I will bring to any wardroom. Having been on both ends of the leadership spectrum, I understand what it takes to get the job done and motivate others to do the best job possible. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Converting to Cryptologic Technician Networks has provided me with a firm foundation and insight to achieving war-fighting dominance across maritime, cyberspace, and information domains. Information Warfare has done nothing but enhance my drive for excellence. My continued involvement in various forms of malware analysis and network defense strategy has allowed me the rare opportunity of associating personal interest with job accomplishment. Being an Information Warfare Officer will place me in a position where I will be able to further ensure the success of all current and future missions. Now that Tenth Fleet has been stood up, there is a growing need for experienced analysts in the commissioned ranks. Information Warfare is key to battling the multitude of steadily evolving tactical and national threats, and I will lead from the front. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Although a commission is not necessary in order for me to serve the Navy as an effective leader, I know that I will better serve the Navy and my country as a member of the Wardroom. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The many fine Petty Officers and Chief Petty Officers I have met throughout my career have shown me what it takes to be a good enlisted leader. I am now ready to assume the increased responsibility of a commissioned officer and build upon those teachings to remain a front-line leader for the next twenty years. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[Troopman]

Lucy, thank you for your critique on my statement. I will add another revision if possible.

 

[Lucy]

M26-Welcome back! And thanks. Hope you had a good vacation. and glad you came to your senses about all of those editings. Yikes!

Infogeek- Sorry I tried to copy and paste but my processor isn’t working…but.
I really like what you have said, just a few things need tweaking.
"Bull by the Horns" is rather…meh. Also, it doesn’t signify exactly what I think you want it to. It would be better to state something that signifies your realization of needing to change things. For example "grasped the severity of my decisions, and in turn worked hard to graduate a year early."
"with aspirations of a better life and the determination to succeed." "Sailor who learned the importance…"
The decisive leadership phrase is ok, but doesn’t lead into what you say next. "As a supervisor of ***" would be better also. In that paragraph you need to double check your tenses. I won’t get into all of times, but you need to fix the past tense/present tenses. I really do like what you say in the paragraph though.
Converting is not the right word to use. Changing, switching, etc. would be more appreciate. You convert a system, not a person (outside of religion).
"has been stood up" I am assuming this is a Navy phrase, otherwise it makes little sense. If it is not it would be better to say created, called upon, etc.
Overall rather great though. These are little things, and the overall statement is very well done and has a good "punch".
Bravo!

 

[boogerbrain]

Here's mine (wrote it again for my second packet):

On the 26th of May, 2002 I sat in a small room in the Pentagon. Surrounding me were family members and friends of my father who was dressed in his Navy Dress Whites with three ½ inch gold stripes outboard one gold five pointed star on black shoulder boards. Those in attendance were taking part in my father’s retirement ceremony. After graduating from USNA in 1982, my father’s career as a naval officer was coming to an end. Nearly a decade later, this retired Commander's son is now seeking a commission.

There are many reasons why I am seeking a commission with the U.S. Navy. First, and perhaps the most important, I feel an obligation to serve. I often think of JFK’s statement, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country”, and how this applies to my life. This country, my country, has offered me countless freedoms; freedoms which many a sailor, soldier, and marine have died for throughout the United States’ relatively short history.

One may ask, “Well, it’s wonderful that you want to serve in your country’s armed forces, but why the Navy? Why not the Air Force, the Marines, the Army?” To be completely honest, I feel most comfortable with the Navy. My grandfather was an enlisted sailor during the Second World War, and as stated above my father served 20 years as a commissioned officer. I come from a family with a strong naval background so naturally the Navy is my first choice.

In addition to feeling an obligation to serve my country, I feel the Navy will give me the opportunity to use the skills I learned in university. I graduated with a BA in History and a minor in Mandarin, Chinese. Though the Navy probably isn't looking for too many historians, my research skills can help serve my country as a commissioned officer. And though I am not fluent in Mandarin (I am at an intermediate level), perhaps my knowledge of Mandarin could be of use by the U.S. Navy as well.

Finally, whether the Navy ends up becoming my career (something I am hoping I can accomplish) or I end up serving less than 20 years the skills I learn while serving will better prepare me to find a job as a civilian.

P.S. I have lost 40 lbs. and about seven inches around my waist since contacting the Navy in August 2009.

 

[m26]

I agree with Lucy on her comments, and I'll try my best not to repeat them.

Being the typical indecisive youth, my tenure in high school was less than stellar due to a lack of maturity and focus. However, I eventually grasped the bull by the horns and worked hard resulting in my graduating a year earlier than scheduled.

If you are going to say this, I highly recommend extensive revisions. Three or four shorter sentences would work much better than what you have now, which is wordy and awkward.

Immediately after school, I joined the Navy as a Fire Controlman, with aspirations of a better life and determined to succeed.

Second comma is incorrect.

Information Warfare has done nothing but enhance my drive for excellence.

I'm not sure this makes sense on it's own. Your time in the IW community, maybe?

Being an Information Warfare Officer will place me in a position where I will be able to further ensure the success of all current and future missions.

You can ensure the success of every IW mission?

Now that Tenth Fleet has been stood up, there is a growing need for experienced analysts in the commissioned ranks. Information Warfare is key to battling the multitude of steadily evolving tactical and national threats, and I will lead from the front.

Not sure how that last bit tacks onto its sentence. Makes more sense with the previous sentence, if you use it.

The many fine Petty Officers and Chief Petty Officers I have met throughout my career have shown me what it takes to be a good enlisted leader. I am now ready to assume the increased responsibility of a commissioned officer and build upon those teachings to remain a front-line leader for the next twenty years.

What teachings?
I don't think you want to use the word "teachings" anyway. Neither your knowledges or learnings.

Is "front line leader" accurate? (I don't know. I'm asking.)

I would lose the hyphen on "front-line." (Two words)

 

[m26]

Boogerbrain, there are a few problems with your statement.

The first paragraph is a little stiff (the shoulder shoulder boards were a bit much), the second about right, and the rest FAR too colloquial.

The conclusion is quite weak, and I hope that post script is for our benefit and not part of the essay.

It needs to be written again from the ground up with a more formal style.

 

[boogerbrain]

Boogerbrain, there are a few problems with your statement.

The first paragraph is a little stiff (the shoulder shoulder boards were a bit much), the second about right, and the rest FAR too colloquial.

The conclusion is quite weak, and I hope that post script is for our benefit and not part of the essay.

It needs to be written again from the ground up with a more formal style.

Fair enough, I'll see what I can do to be more formal.

 

[boogerbrain]

m26 and all
A little writer's block with regards to how I am going to close it, but here is the revised version. Feel free to comment:


There are many reasons why I am seeking a commission with the U.S. Navy. First and foremost, I feel an obligation to serve in the U.S. military. I often ponder JFK’s words: “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country”, and how this applies to my life. This country, my country, has offered me countless freedoms; freedoms which many a sailor, soldier, and marine have died for throughout the United States’ relatively short history.

The reason I am applying for a commissioning with the Navy instead of the other branches of the U.S. armed forces is due to the strong naval background in my family. My maternal grandfather was an enlisted sailor during the Second World War and my father, an USNA alumnus (class of 82’), served 20 years as a commissioned (SWO) officer and retired as a Commander. As the son of an officer I was able to experience some aspects of naval life firsthand. For example, at the age of six I flew from Norfolk, Va. to Miami, Fl. to meet my father and participate in a Tiger Cruise aboard the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower. Although the cruise only lasted three days it left a lasting impression.

In addition to feeling an obligation to serve my country I believe I have the qualities the Navy desires its officers to possess; qualities I have learned through life experiences, grade school and university, as well as being the son of an officer. I am diligent, hard-working, honest, disciplined, articulate, intelligent, and committed to my interests and goals. Furthermore, I have a skill which may be of particular interest to the Navy, i.e. the ability to read, write, speak, and comprehend Mandarin, Chinese at an intermediate level.

 

[m26]

For some reason I thought I had replied to this.

-There are all sorts of problems with your writing, mostly of the superfluous-word variety, but they will be easily fixed
-¶'s 1 and 2 look pretty good
-¶ 3 seems to transition from ¶1 rather than ¶2 as it should
-I think you need to show (for lack of a better word) your qualities in ¶3, rather than just listing them
-Do not mention the Mandarin. At all.

 

[boogerbrain]

For some reason I thought I had replied to this.

-There are all sorts of problems with your writing, mostly of the superfluous-word variety, but they will be easily fixed
-¶'s 1 and 2 look pretty good
-¶ 3 seems to transition from ¶1 rather than ¶2 as it should
-I think you need to show (for lack of a better word) your qualities in ¶3, rather than just listing them
-Do not mention the Mandarin. At all.

Man, you're tougher than my university professors (even my history professor who proof read my senior thesis paper a few times). Nevertheless, your criticism is appreciated. I've revised it a few times, will work on the third paragraph. What do you suggest? Giving examples of leadership skills or giving stories of community service? I'm going in this Friday to retake the ASTB test, and I will probably get most of my packet finished for the July boards that same day.
p.s. I mentioned the Mandarin with the hopes of making me stand out a bit. I know history majors don't get much respect, haha!

 

[m26]

It's too much work for me to truly articulate why mentioning the Mandarin is a bad idea, but here are the bullet points:
-They should know about it from your app, and can judge whether or not it is important on their own
-The odds are good that your ability with the language will make you a more competitive candidate. It is, however, unlikely that your Mandarin knowledge will make you "stand out."
-The "oh yeah, btw, you might want to know" style is a no-no.

Man, you're tougher than my university professors

This is why no one can write anymore.

What do you suggest? Giving examples of leadership skills or giving stories of community service?

Easier said than done, I know. I more or less used a list like yours in my moto. It's the first sentence that makes that list lose its punch.

A (bad) example (with made up examples) would be :

"My life experiences have shaped who I am. I have trained for and completed a biathlon, graduated high school magna cum laude and college cum laude, met and exceeded the community service requirement for my university's Rockefeller community service award, and won five collegiate debate competitions. I am diligent, hard-working, honest, disciplined, articulate, intelligent, and committed to my goals. If offered the opportunity, I believe I can avail myself of these qualities to succeed at Officer Candidate School and become the best Naval Officer I can be."