Infogeek-I really like your statement. I think it explains well why you want to the commission, and also why it is something the Navy should consider. Overall, the flow is really good and I feel as though you are speaking to a person, not reading off a paper. I especially like the ship, shipmate, self phrase.
Bah1210- I think you would be much better off starting with “While listening…” A lot of people have similar stories, but I think it is a much better start than what you have know. The eagle scout info is good, but rather vague. And again, the end part is vague, does not offer much for the board to think about other than you telling good stories, and supposedly being a “good” sailor. Outside of that, it is rather disorganized. I would think you would benefit more from writing what you feel, not what seems to be what you think they want to hear.
Toopman- While I rather like your first paragraph, your following paragraphs are rather inconclusive. You list traits, yet give no examples of how you have demonstrated them. Also, you became a great painter…ok? Without knowing where this was, why you chose to paint as a “logistics personnel” is rather confusing, and doesn’t aid to explaining who you are. Finally, the last paragraph is rather generic. I would suggest thinking of what you are offering. It seems you are expecting the Navy to accept you as an Officer simply because you think you can do well.
Freedomtrider- You really need to do some grammatical editing. You have present/past tenses mixed up, singular and plural, nix the slashes, and a ton of wordiness. Esp. the first sentence of the second paragraph. Also really disorganized. I think you would benefit for thinking about saying less, and more about what you are saying. They have your records, but they do not know you. It is not a resume, but rather insight into who you are.
Salv-navy- Outside of grammatical errors, I think you give a good background, but you don’t really respond to the question they asked. HOW are those things going to help the Navy. You begin to get into it, but if you are transitioning into your second paragraph then you never really answer that question.