Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[villanelle]

Right. And I don't hear people say they "earned Captain". They achieved the rank of captain, they put on captain, they made O6, etc. Saying "earned Eagle Scout" sounds really funny. If it isnt' refered to specifically as a rank or anything liek that, how about reworking the sentence so you can say, "...became [or becoming] an Eagle Scout."

 

[villanelle]

Actually, "have" is correct. Since it is referring to "5 years" you would use the conjugation for the plural. One person has, 5 people have. So his 5 years have furthered his desire.

I was going to do an edit, but since this isn't your final draft anyway, I'm not going to put in the time to edit something that's already been edited.

 

[twobecrazy]

Actually, "have" is correct. Since it is referring to "5 years" you would use the conjugation for the plural. One person has, 5 people have. So his 5 years have furthered his desire.

I was going to do an edit, but since this isn't your final draft anyway, I'm not going to put in the time to edit something that's already been edited.

Thanks for the clarification. I am a terrible writer. That is why I typically stick with content when doing these statements.

 

[VTFlyer]

I can't believe I just helped you out. I wouldn't have commented if I knew this wasn't the version you sent to the board. I wasted my time helping with a statement that doesn't even resemble the one you sent to the board. I thought you wanted help? Apparently you didn't need it!!! What a waste...I wonder if we could get a dislike button here!!!

At least you didn't send this version to the board. Good Luck!

No you did help! In terms of grammar it wasn't the one I sent, it was the overall content that I was more concerned about. I reworded some of the sentences that seemed lengthy put the over all message was the same. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't coming across as some arrogant ass

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

I realize I'm coming back from a lengthy time away but I wanted to catch up on things and logged back in.

I have four words for this OP...

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't coming across as some arrogant ass

You did not succeed, Douche.

I stand corrected...that was five...but that fifth one was a very important addition...

Generally, asking for help you don't need or beating around the bush about what your actual intentions are will most likely result in you getting ignored the next time you request sincere help. You could have stated that you wanted people's opinions about your first draft, original draft, etc to see if they would have gone a different direction with it instead of the direction you decided on. No, you didn't do that here. You were dishonest in your approach. You wasted 2bcrazy's time. End of story.

I have three words for 2Bcrazy....

You're a saint.

 

[VTFlyer]

I realize I'm coming back from a lengthy time away but I wanted to catch up on things and logged back in.

I have four words for this OP...

You did not succeed, Douche.

I stand corrected...that was five...but that fifth one was a very important addition...

Generally, asking for help you don't need or beating around the bush about what your actual intentions are will most likely result in you getting ignored the next time you request sincere help. You could have stated that you wanted people's opinions about your first draft, original draft, etc to see if they would have gone a different direction with it instead of the direction you decided on. No, you didn't do that here. You were dishonest in your approach. You wasted 2bcrazy's time. End of story.

I have three words for 2Bcrazy....

You're a saint.

Damn, sorry I offended you or anyone else for that matter...that wasn't my aim. I requested sincere help and he gave it to me and I appreciate that. The fact that it wasn't the exact one submitted grammar wise doesn't change the fact that I didn't feel I needed help with the content of it. I didn't mean to imply that I sent a completely different one to the board, when I say I picked over it with a "fine tooth comb" it was in terms of grammar and sentence wording not the content.

I apologize for being "douche" and that I didn't specify from the get go, obviously I am unfamiliar with the way people are reviewing statements posted here.

I didn't mean to waste your time twobecrazy, I appreciate your review.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

It was nice of you to apologize to him. I'll take back my "douche" comment and chalk it up to a bad decision. Thanks for being man enough to apologize to 2b - I'll still keep what I called him though...a saint.

 

[Sam11]

This is my first time coming across this website and i find it very helpful. I am currently working on writing a motivational statement in order to be selected as a radiation health specialist in the navy. However, I don't know if my statement is good enough to be selected, so i was wondering if i could post my draft here and have you guys give me your input or any feedback. I won't be offended by any feedback as long as it will be helpful in the construction of statement. Thanks in advance! P.S. if anyone would be willing to look at it, how long will it be before anyone can correct it. Thanks again!!! Sorry by the way i don't know how to post a new thread so i just replied to an earlier post.

 

[twobecrazy]

However, I don't know if my statement is good enough to be selected, so i was wondering if i could post my draft here and have you guys give me your input or any feedback. I won't be offended by any feedback as long as it will be helpful in the construction of statement. Thanks in advance! P.S. if anyone would be willing to look at it, how long will it be before anyone can correct it. Thanks again!!! Sorry by the way i don't know how to post a new thread so i just replied to an earlier post.

Just post it and we will get to it when we can...

 

[twobecrazy]

It was nice of you to apologize to him. I'll take back my "douche" comment and chalk it up to a bad decision. Thanks for being man enough to apologize to 2b - I'll still keep what I called him though...a saint.

Thanks Charlie!

 

[Sam11]

Just post it and we will get to it when we can...

Thanks and here it goes!!! I hope you're prepared because this statement is nothing compared to the ones i have read on this thread. Prepare your self for a major headache and a lot of cursing lol

Some people join the navy in order to serve their country, in fulfilling their patriotic duty. While others make their decisions on a knowledge base in order to strengthen their education and improve their careers. However, I would like to think that I belong to neither specific group but intend on being the middleman. For that, it would be an honor to serve my country and it would be my greatest pride and joy as well. Along with serving my country as a true patriot, I could also further expand my knowledge in education. This is based on the great state-of-the-art technology which could help advance my skills, and experience from working as a radiation health specialist in the Navy.
After receiving my Bachelor’s degree from the University at Buffalo, in biomedical sciences, I decided to pursue my career in the health care. This is a result of facing some financial predicaments, which I encountered due to an unstable economy and a decline in employment availability. Becoming a radiation health specialist, will provide me with a competitive salary along with the proper financial assistance. Moreover, I will be able to expand my education due to the continuing academic programs and the unparalleled experience that I will attest to in the field and at home.
Furthermore, if I am to be selected for this position, I believe that I will be a great asset to this field. Given my knowledge, experience, and skills obtained in the medical field, I believe that I will contribute to the growth of this health care. Moreover, being a bilingualist in Arabic and English, it would be my most important asset that I can offer as being a radiation specialist. Therefore, becoming a navy officer would be my greatest pride and joy in serving the beautiful United States of America.

After reading this i hope it wasn't as bad as i thought or at least i hope that's what u will think lol but i know it's wishful thinking on my part lol. Anyways i have mentally prepared myself for the worst case scenerio lol !!!

 

[twobecrazy]

Thanks and here it goes!!! I hope you're prepared because this statement is nothing compared to the ones i have read on this thread. Prepare your self for a major headache and a lot of cursing lol

After reading this i hope it wasn't as bad as i thought or at least i hope that's what u will think lol but i know it's wishful thinking on my part lol. Anyways i have mentally prepared myself for the worst case scenerio lol !!!

Thanks for the heads up! While I appreciate the honesty I will say that this statement stunk! Don't take that the wrong way but in all honesty that is what my opinion is concerning this statement in its present form. That being said we have a bunch of work to do so lets get started!

Some people join the navy in order to serve their country, in fulfilling their patriotic duty. While others make their decisions on a knowledge base in order to strengthen their education and improve their careers. However, I would like to think that I belong to neither specific group but intend on being the middleman. For that, it would be an honor to serve my country and it would be my greatest pride and joy as well. Along with serving my country as a true patriot, I could also further expand my knowledge in education. This is based on the great state-of-the-art technology which could help advance my skills, and experience from working as a radiation health specialist in the Navy.

I believe this opening paragraph, while very honest, is not the message you want to convey to the board. The Navy knows what it offers people but has no idea what you offer it in return. Since you said you read through this thread then you should know what the "Big 3" you need to convey in your statement should be. Concentrate on those three questions when you write your statement. Give relevant examples and a solid foundation of who you are in your response. Here is a quick example.

Why should the Navy choose you?

During my tenure at (insert school here) I maintained a 3.4 GPA, captained (insert sport/activity/etc. here), served as president of (insert frat/sorority here), dedicated 200 hours to habitat for humanity, established (insert program/etc. here), obtained (insert cert/qualification/etc. here), and maintaining a full time position as a (insert job here) at (insert company here).

The statement above while complete made up begins to tell a story about you and what personality traits you may possess. The story is that you are a caring and hard working individual. You are a smart and dedicated hard charger with leadership and time management skills. You support the sentence above with facts about your accomplishments. For example you could state based on the sentence above, "I was able to recruit and train 20 new volunteers while serving as an assistant foreman for the Columbia, SC chapter of habitat for humanity." With a supportive statement such as this you are able to confirm several of the personality traits you claimed to have in your previous statement. Hopefully you get my point now so I am going to move on...

After receiving my Bachelor’s degree from the University at Buffalo, in biomedical sciences, I decided to pursue my career in the health care. This is a result of facing some financial predicaments, which I encountered due to an unstable economy and a decline in employment availability. Becoming a radiation health specialist, will provide me with a competitive salary along with the proper financial assistance. Moreover, I will be able to expand my education due to the continuing academic programs and the unparalleled experience that I will attest to in the field and at home.

What is this statement referencing, "This is a result of facing some financial predicaments, which I encountered due to an unstable economy and a decline in employment availability."? Are you explaining why you joined the health care profession? The first sentence should just say in health care not "in the health care." Once again you are talking about what the Navy can offer you not what you can offer the Navy. Remember the "Big 3" and focus on answering those questions.

Furthermore, if I am to be selected for this position, I believe that I will be a great asset to this field. Given my knowledge, experience, and skills obtained in the medical field, I believe that I will contribute to the growth of this health care. Moreover, being a bilingualist in Arabic and English, it would be my most important asset that I can offer as being a radiation specialist. Therefore, becoming a navy officer would be my greatest pride and joy in serving the beautiful United States of America.

I like your opening for the conclusion, however, you fall off again rather quickly. You seem to have gaps in thought. It appears the closing remarks of this conclusion are forced because forgot to mention that you are a bi-linguist. Mention the linguist statement earlier and try this at the end:

"Furthermore, if I am to be selected for this position, I believe that I will be a great asset to this field. Given my knowledge, experience, and skills obtained in the medical field, I believe that I will contribute to the growth of this health care. Becoming a navy officer would be my greatest pride and joy while serving the beautiful United States of America."

Hope this helps. Good Luck and repost when you have fixed your errors.

 

[JMonte85]

Thanks and here it goes!!! I hope you're prepared because this statement is nothing compared to the ones i have read on this thread. Prepare your self for a major headache and a lot of cursing lol

Some people join the navy in order to serve their country, in fulfilling their patriotic duty. While others make their decisions on a knowledge base in order to strengthen their education and improve their careers. However, I would like to think that I belong to neither specific group but intend on being the middleman. For that, it would be an honor to serve my country and it would be my greatest pride and joy as well. Along with serving my country as a true patriot, I could also further expand my knowledge in education. This is based on the great state-of-the-art technology which could help advance my skills, and experience from working as a radiation health specialist in the Navy.
After receiving my Bachelor’s degree from the University at Buffalo, in biomedical sciences, I decided to pursue my career in the health care. This is a result of facing some financial predicaments, which I encountered due to an unstable economy and a decline in employment availability. Becoming a radiation health specialist, will provide me with a competitive salary along with the proper financial assistance. Moreover, I will be able to expand my education due to the continuing academic programs and the unparalleled experience that I will attest to in the field and at home.
Furthermore, if I am to be selected for this position, I believe that I will be a great asset to this field. Given my knowledge, experience, and skills obtained in the medical field, I believe that I will contribute to the growth of this health care. Moreover, being a bilingualist in Arabic and English, it would be my most important asset that I can offer as being a radiation specialist. Therefore, becoming a navy officer would be my greatest pride and joy in serving the beautiful United States of America.

After reading this i hope it wasn't as bad as i thought or at least i hope that's what u will think lol but i know it's wishful thinking on my part lol. Anyways i have mentally prepared myself for the worst case scenerio lol !!!

I'm sorry if this offends you but this sounds like something you scribbled on a piece of toliet paper in the bathroom while taking a dump. How long did it take you to write this?

When I read this I get no spark from you.. I get the impression of, well I got nothing else going on in my life so I will just see if the Navy will take me.. But I should make sure I say somethings that sort of make me sound interested. I got that just from your first paragraph.. You basically contridict yourself through the whole first paragraph. It's an honor and pride and joy to serve your country but yet you don't fall into the group who wanted to serve their country or fulfill a patriotic duty?

The second paragraph.. I feel like you're telling me again.. You have no other options so you're trying the Navy. And the rest was boring so I stopped reading.

The final paragraph is alright. But I think you can do better.. I think you should scrap this, look at other's examples on here and re-write it. Just my .02 dollars.

Sorry if it seems harsh but it's true. If you want to be an officer you need to take pride in everything you do on your application. Including this.

 

[villanelle]

I hate to be the bearer of (more) bad news, but from a composition standpoint, it's extremely weak as well.

It reads like the transcription of one of those annoying TV news interviews with John Q. Public, where the interviewee uses big words and fancy phrases that he doesn't fully understand, in an attempt to sound smart. But the nuanced meaning of the phrases doesn't make sense in the context in which they are used.

Was English your second language? I get sort of a non-native speaker vibe from your diction and structure.

Some examples of what I'm talking about...

I will be a great asset to this field

You aren't an asset to a field; you are an asset to an organization.

Some people join the navy in order to serve their country, in fulfilling their patriotic duty. While others make their decisions on a knowledge base in order to strengthen their education and improve their careers.

"In fulfilling their patriotic duty" doesn't make sense. I think you mean they join to fulfill their patriotic duty. This is one of the reasons I question whether you are a native speaker, since I know English pronouns are a bitch and there is often little rhyme or reason to when you use "to" vs. "for", for example. Oh, and this second sentence is a fragment. Since it starts with "while", it should be part of the first sentence as it is part of the same thought.

However, I would like to think that I belong to neither specific group but intend on being the middleman.

The word "specific" is awkward and completely unnecessary. It's clear what 2 groups you are talking about, so I don't know what you intended the word" specific" to add to the meaning of the statement. Also, you tie the phrases together with a "but", yet they don't really have that kind of relationship to each other.

Do you not know which group you are in? "I would like to think" suggests that it is merely just a hope or a goal that you are in that group. Be definitive. State the you belong to neither group, not that you would like to think--implying aspiration as opposed to actuality or certainty--you belong to neither.

The word "middleman" has a somewhat negative connotation. He's the annoying guy in the middle who adds little value to a transaction.

A better approach for this whole segment is to lay out the 2 reasons why people join and then say that you feel both things strongly, not that you are a wishy washy guy in the middle who feels "neither" of those things. You aren't neither, you are both.

Since you've already gotten a lot of feedback on content, I won't continue my copy edit since it will be useless after a major rewrite, but after you shape up the content, if you repost, I'd be happy to do another copy edit.

 

[Sam11]

Wow honestly i am shocked and speechless and i feel very stupid right now but i do know for certain that i came to the right place lol. Thank you all you have been wonderfully helpful. Sorry maybe im not making sense but what i mean is i really appreciated your feedback even though it stung but that's reality for me. Right now i think im having a brain freeze from trying so hard to perfect and revise my statement. i have given it my best and i hope you guys think so or at least some improvement.

Some people join the navy in order to serve their country, to fulfill their patriotic duty. Meanwhile, others make their decisions on a knowledge base in order to strengthen their education and improve their careers. As for me, I intend on serving my country as a true patriot and expanding my knowledge in education as a radiation health specialist. Furthermore, I want to be the first person from my family who will be able to pave a stepping stone for my future generations in enlisting in the US Navy.
To begin with, my origins are not of a Native American but of a Middle Eastern from Qatar. When I came to the USA, I was a loner. I had no family, lacked a solid education, had no financial assistance whatsoever, and had nowhere to go. However, everything changed for me when I started to settle here and get acquainted with this country. Then I realized that in America you can never lose faith or hope and anything is possible. So I started working feverishly and hastily began my education thus paving a solid foundation for my new life. As a result, I quickly picked up the English language and became a bi-linguist in Arabic and English. During this ordeal, I learned the true meaning of responsibility, dedication, and motivation in order to become a successful person in my daily life struggles.
After receiving my Bachelor’s degree from the University at Buffalo, in biomedical sciences with a 3.4 GPA, I decided to pursue my career in the health care. During my college days as a full time student, I had to struggle with being a husband and a father of four kids, and working full time in order to support my family with minimal wage. While working in various jobs, I received three distinguished prestigious awards. They were as a result of reaching my job quotas, showing leadership, commitment, and motivational skills, and for training trainees.
Therefore, if I am to be selected for this position, I know that I will be a great asset to the Navy. Given my knowledge, experience, and skills obtained in the medical field, I am very confident that I will contribute to the growth of this health care. Becoming a Navy officer would be my greatest pride and joy in serving my country and fulfilling my patriotic duty.

I hope this is a big improvement if not im all ears. Give it to me and tell me how it is and im ready for round 2 lol.