Sam11
New Member
thx for ur feedback and u guessed right. English is indeed my second language and i hope u will find out more about me in my revised statement that i just posted.
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
thx for ur feedback and u guessed right. English is indeed my second language and i hope u will find out more about me in my revised statement that i just posted.
Sam11
New Member
thx for ur feedback even though it stung big time but i like ur honesty and straightforwardness. i have changed a lot of things in my statement and i took ur advice about really showing pride and meaning it when i wrote my experiences hope it helps.
Sam11
New Member
Like Charlie said u really are a saint. Thx for your input and all the feedback u gave me. i tried to follow what you said and revised it a lot so i hope this is more to ur liking and if not that's ok im ready for more if you are lol.
JMonte85
Pro-rec SNA
See now it makes sense, since english is not your first language. I think what you need to do is find a friend who's first language is English. This way they can translate what you're saying per say. I have a friend who does the same thing when he writes. He is Indian and has an accent when he speaks, which follows in his writing.
Here is what I mean:
"To begin with, my origins are not of a Native American but of a Middle Eastern from Qatar. When I came to the USA, I was a loner. I had no family, lacked a solid education, had no financial assistance whatsoever, and had nowhere to go. However, everything changed for me when I started to settle here and get acquainted with this country........."
I'm obviously a Science guy, and I'm not a pro at writing either.. I say this because what I write may not be gramatically correct itself but I will help it flow (this is the plan anyway) better for you.
So how I would write your statement is as follows:
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To begin with, I am originaly from Qatar and came to the United States of America in (insert date here). When I arrived, I was alone and had no family to accompany me. (the rest of this I feel like you shouldn't use but I will go with it) I started off at the bottom of the barrel and climbed to the top with the help of this great nation. I had no financial assistance, no place to go, and was looking to increase my education. (talk about where and how you got a job, and if you were able to get loans. Then lead into next segment) While working, I was able to pay for college and begin my new life here in America. I realized I had to speak the English language fluently, and did so by teaching myself new words daily (Idk what you actually did to learn it but obviously taylor it to your expierence). I now am bilingual in Arabic and English and feel this could be a great asset to my hopeful career as a Naval Officer. Through my struggles, came positives. I learned the value of responsibility, dedication, and commitment, while motivating myself to be successful. I feel as a Naval Officer, these attributes will greatly help the daily ups and downs of being a leader. Close with something.. Done with paragraph.
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Obviously I'm no writer, but it flows nicer than what you're saying. Which isn't your fault. But at the same time you're trying to convey to the board you're fluent in English, and stress your potential of success. I think you should partner up with a friend and tell him how you want to write it and have him help you then we can help you organize it better and correct grammar/spelling.
Hope that helps..
Here is what I mean:
"To begin with, my origins are not of a Native American but of a Middle Eastern from Qatar. When I came to the USA, I was a loner. I had no family, lacked a solid education, had no financial assistance whatsoever, and had nowhere to go. However, everything changed for me when I started to settle here and get acquainted with this country........."
I'm obviously a Science guy, and I'm not a pro at writing either.. I say this because what I write may not be gramatically correct itself but I will help it flow (this is the plan anyway) better for you.
So how I would write your statement is as follows:
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Obviously I'm no writer, but it flows nicer than what you're saying. Which isn't your fault. But at the same time you're trying to convey to the board you're fluent in English, and stress your potential of success. I think you should partner up with a friend and tell him how you want to write it and have him help you then we can help you organize it better and correct grammar/spelling.
Hope that helps..
Sam11
New Member
Wow that's amazingly refreshing compared to my previous paragraph. You guys are indeed pros at this and again that's why i chose to post here because i recognized it the first time i read threads and the feedback posted from u guys. I know i was taking a big risk by posting my thread because i can't compare my essay to others but i really needed your help. the problem is that my friends are just like me in writing and the ones whom are native speakers are mediocre with their writing abilities so basically i have no one except you guys. If i am not asking for too much would it be alright if you can help me with the rest of it if not i will understand. As it is i already feel grateful for your input and i won't expect more from you if you aren't able to do so. But in all honesty, I'm going to need all the help i can receive because i really want this job. Thanks again for your help, it's greatly appreciated.
Some people join the navy in order to serve their country, in order to fulfill their patriotic duty. Meanwhile, Others make their decisions on a knowledge base in order to strengthen their education and improve their careers. (The "on a knowledge base" doesn't really make sense. Not sure what you are trying to say, but it might be, "Others are motivated by a desire to strengthen their education and improve their careers", but I wouldn't really include that, because it isn't the reason anyone *should* be joining--to get something out of it for themselves--so I'd leave it out. In fact, not that you've restructred and are no longer establishing 2 groups and saying you are part of both, I'd leave all of this out. It doesn't matter why other people join; it only matters why *you* want to join.) As for me, I intend (I'd say "hope" instead of intend, since this is written to try to get you a spot, not because you already have one) on to servingee my country as a true patriot and expandinge my knowledge in education as a radiation health specialist. Furthermore, I want to be the first person from my family who will be able to pave a stepping stone (mixed metaphor- you don't pave a stepping stone. You pave the way or you serve as a stepping stone.) for my future generations in enlisting (it would be "by enlisting", but "in", but unless I misunderstand, you are pursing a commission, not trying to enlist, so I'd say, "pursuing a commission") in the US Navy.
To begin with, my origins are not of a Native American ("Native American", especially when capitalized refers to native peoples of the Americas, not people born citizens of the U.S. Try something like, "As a naturalized citizen born in Qatar, I came to the United States as a loner and a stranger, with no family, little formal education, and few resources at my disposal.")
Okay, I'm just going to rewrite the rest.
What I had in droves was a drive to succeed, and with that and the many opportunities afforded to me by this country, I was able to improve my situation. I worked feverishly to take full advantage of the chances available to me and I quickly became bilingual (English and Arabic). My experiences becoming an American taught me the true meaning of responsibility, dedication, and motivation, and showed me how necessary those attributes are to success in both the personal and professional worlds. Since this country gave me an opportunity to get back on own my two feet, I would be proud to repay part of that debt in some small way, by becoming a Naval officer.
(Back to editing)
After receiving my Bachelor’s degree from the University at Buffalo, in biomedical sciences with a 3.4 GPA, I decided to pursue my a career in the health care. During my college days as a full time student, I had to struggled with being a husband and a father of four kids, and while working full time in order to support my family with minimal wage. While working in various jobs, I received three distinguished prestigious awards. They were as a result of reaching my job quotas, showing leadership, commitment, and motivational skills, and for training trainees. (This seems to stray pretty far from the intent of the statement. I'd chop much of it. The 4 kids, working full time, etc. seems unnecessary. What is your intent with including that? Tell me what character trait or other point you are trying to display, and I'll help you wordsmith it.)
Therefore, if I am to be selected for this position, I know that I will be a great asset to the Navy. Given my knowledge, experience, and skills obtained in the medical field, I am very confident that I will contribute to the growth of this health care. (I don't understand "the growth of this healthcare". Do you mean you'll contribute to the Navy's healthcare programs? If so, say that. However, I'd use much stronger language than "contribute", as that really doesn't convey much. Something about "being an asset" might be what you are looking for.) Becoming a Navy officer would be my greatest pride and I would get great joyin from serving my country and fulfilling my patriotic duty.
To begin with, my origins are not of a Native American ("Native American", especially when capitalized refers to native peoples of the Americas, not people born citizens of the U.S. Try something like, "As a naturalized citizen born in Qatar, I came to the United States as a loner and a stranger, with no family, little formal education, and few resources at my disposal.")
Okay, I'm just going to rewrite the rest.
What I had in droves was a drive to succeed, and with that and the many opportunities afforded to me by this country, I was able to improve my situation. I worked feverishly to take full advantage of the chances available to me and I quickly became bilingual (English and Arabic). My experiences becoming an American taught me the true meaning of responsibility, dedication, and motivation, and showed me how necessary those attributes are to success in both the personal and professional worlds. Since this country gave me an opportunity to get back on own my two feet, I would be proud to repay part of that debt in some small way, by becoming a Naval officer.
(Back to editing)
After receiving my Bachelor’s degree from the University at Buffalo
Therefore, if I am to be selected for this position, I know that I will be a great asset to the Navy. Given my knowledge, experience, and skills obtained in the medical field, I am very confident that I will contribute to the growth of this health care. (I don't understand "the growth of this healthcare". Do you mean you'll contribute to the Navy's healthcare programs? If so, say that. However, I'd use much stronger language than "contribute", as that really doesn't convey much. Something about "being an asset" might be what you are looking for.) Becoming a Navy officer would be my greatest pride and I would get great joy
Carpe This
New Member
This is my first post on here, but I have been reading this thread for a while and it's really helped point me in the right direction. Any and all suggestions welcome on my first draft. Thanks in advance.
My commitment to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy emanates from the personal encounters I have had with numerous military personnel. My dedication grew largely due to the unprecedented sense of pride, honor, courage, integrity and passion in which all military personnel portray, regardless of rank. Throughout my life, I have been searching for a career in which I would be able to personify those characteristics and bring to them my ambition, intelligence, and exemplary work ethic. It would be a great honor to not only share that spirit, but also take pride in being part of something larger than myself.
I consistently perform my best while in a leadership position. I discovered this while being captain of numerous basketball teams and, furthermore, by accepting a natural leadership role in countless group projects through the course of my college career. I achieved successful leadership through productive communication, team-oriented problem solving, and an optimistic attitude. Often times this role meant I would sacrifice time and energy for the betterment of the team, which I quickly realized was an extraordinary payoff. In doing so, I learned the profound importance of teamwork and how to depend on my peers as they are able to depend on me.
These skills, coupled with my natural ability to lead, adapt and communicate with others, have helped prepare me for the prestigious officer position I am working to achieve. If granted the opportunity of becoming a commissioned officer, I will continue to build my character and expand upon my knowledge. I will base my decisions on intellect and morality and, if necessary, I will stand behind each decision in the face of an unpopular crowd. However, I will still remain approachable and humble to my peers, junior sailors, and my superiors while, above all else, supporting the constitution I would have sworn to defend.
My commitment to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy emanates from the personal encounters I have had with numerous military personnel. My dedication grew largely due to the unprecedented sense of pride, honor, courage, integrity and passion in which all military personnel portray, regardless of rank. Throughout my life, I have been searching for a career in which I would be able to personify those characteristics and bring to them my ambition, intelligence, and exemplary work ethic. It would be a great honor to not only share that spirit, but also take pride in being part of something larger than myself.
I consistently perform my best while in a leadership position. I discovered this while being captain of numerous basketball teams and, furthermore, by accepting a natural leadership role in countless group projects through the course of my college career. I achieved successful leadership through productive communication, team-oriented problem solving, and an optimistic attitude. Often times this role meant I would sacrifice time and energy for the betterment of the team, which I quickly realized was an extraordinary payoff. In doing so, I learned the profound importance of teamwork and how to depend on my peers as they are able to depend on me.
These skills, coupled with my natural ability to lead, adapt and communicate with others, have helped prepare me for the prestigious officer position I am working to achieve. If granted the opportunity of becoming a commissioned officer, I will continue to build my character and expand upon my knowledge. I will base my decisions on intellect and morality and, if necessary, I will stand behind each decision in the face of an unpopular crowd. However, I will still remain approachable and humble to my peers, junior sailors, and my superiors while, above all else, supporting the constitution I would have sworn to defend.
marmoset54
Final Select Supply Corps
Right off the back, I don't like your introductory sentence. It seems a bit "bleh." The adjectives after "sense of" are all well and good, but they seem a bit much. You are giving up valuable words for this. Cut it down.
Second paragraph, last sentence: Change "are" to "were"
Third paragraph: Do you have a natural ability to lead? Really? That's dicey language. Lose "if necessary". Actually, take out that entire sentence. Unnecessary. You already said it. Last sentence is cheesy. Don't like it.
There will be other things, but that's what I get from a glance. Hope it helps.
JMonte85
Pro-rec SNA
This is opinion obviously. I could be wrong, but I feel like you are trying to use out of the ordinary words to impress. You have to find a medium between verbose and concise. Remember these people reading this are everyday people like you and me. Not a board of Harvard graduates. " I learned the profound importance of teamwork " <-- this sentence would've worked fine without "profound" in it.
"My dedication grew largely due to the unprecedented sense of pride, honor, courage.." I actually had to look unprecedented up.. Idk if I should be embarassed for that or not lol.. but yes you want to sound educated and speak articulately, but at the same time you want to do so without losing the reader. You're trying to convey to the board your personality without them interviewing you. I mean if you speak like this in person then by all means, go ahead and write like this. But try not to over do it, as I feel you are but could be wrong.
"I will base my decisions on intellect and morality and, if necessary, I will stand behind each decision in the face of an unpopular crowd. However, I will still remain approachable and humble to my peers, junior sailors, and my superiors while, above all else, supporting the constitution I would have sworn to defend. "
I would do away with telling them how you will lead as an officer. They will train you how to lead the Navy way. You just want to convey to them you can absorb and follow before you can lead, but at the same time you want to let them know you have expierence with leading as well.. So you're not some anti-social joe shmoe who hacks computers all day in his mother's basement..
Hope it helps and remember it's just opinion from one guy. Also remember at the board there will be many different ages and personalities reading this..
Also, I just thought of this.. There is really no feeling of patriotism. At the end you throw in a little about defending the constitution because you sworn to defend it.. I'd rather put my trust in someone who wants to defend a constitution because they love everything it stands for and the freedom they've been given because of it.. not simply because they said they would and they signed to it..
Carpe This
New Member
I appreciate your feedback so far. I will work on those things (especially conveying the right message), and repost.
Sam11
New Member
Ok so far so good! I have finished revising my statement according to your suggestions and all is well for the exception of the above paragraph. I agree with u about it straying from the opening sentence but in all honesty i didn't know what else to write that flows in with my education and i need at least 400 words. Furthermore, i wanted to portray what kind of a person i am by writing about my life struggles and how i managed to overcome them. Also, i wanted to include my accomplishments and show them what skills i possessed. I know my life wasn't that amazing and i don't have anything to boast about but at least i did try no matter how insignificant in may seem to others. From this train of thought, i hope you will be able to understand where i am coming from and what message im trying to convey. if not tell me and i will try to explain thoroughly next time. thanks again for your help and the efforts that you have put into this.
Sam, in that case, I think you should focus on the fact that the difficult experiences in your life shaped you into an individual who will be an asset to the Navy, and then explain the specific attributes you believe are relevant. Focus on the end product (patience, perserverance, or whatever you think you learned that will make you a good officer), rather than on what led to those traits. I suspect that they don't care that you have 4 kids or that you made minimum wage. They care that those things made you better/stronger/faster/bulletproof. "In my struggles to raise a family while also pursing my education, I had to make many sacrifices and diffuclt decisions. Through those decisions, I learned patience, blah, and blah, which are attributes I think will serve me well as a Naval officer." Something like that focuses on what make you a good candidate, not what you had to experience to get you to be a good candidate.
I'm no expert on the selection process--the language and grammar are more my thing. But I do know they have asked you to write a statement about why they should pick you, which means it should be less a biographical listing(I made minimum wage, I have 4 kids, I did this and I did that) and more an effort to explain who you are at your core.
I'm no expert on the selection process--the language and grammar are more my thing. But I do know they have asked you to write a statement about why they should pick you, which means it should be less a biographical listing(I made minimum wage, I have 4 kids, I did this and I did that) and more an effort to explain who you are at your core.
I agree that your using fancy words in ways that seem awkward and forced. For example, "emanates" in the first sentence is weird. "Is a result of" would be a much better choice. It's more simple and yet also more readable. Write like you speak, essentially. So many people make the mistake of taking their thoughts and running them through some internal (or external) thesaurus before putting them down on paper. It never works well. If they aren't words you use in your everyday life (or at least your every month life), you aren't going to use them well.
In your second paragraph, too many of your sentences or phrases start with "I". (The first 3, and then the last sentence, after the initial modifying phrase.) I know this statement is all about you so lots of "I" and "my" is to be expected, but it would be more interesting if you mixed it up a but and used more varied sentence structure.
A few small notes from the last paragraph. You use the phrase "unpopular crowd". That would mean a crowd that no one likes. I don't think you are trying to say that you'd stand strong even in the phase of the smelly fat kid and his horde of socially awkward friends. What you mean, I think, is a "disapproving crowd". Also, the "still" in the last sentence is redundant. And you've used the incorrect tense for "would"; it should be "...I will have chosen to defend."
JMonte85
Pro-rec SNA
Sorry lol.. I had to. Considering your writing under your avatar. Obviously it was unintentional.[/