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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Carpe This
New Member
Ok, ok, ok... too robust verbiage... I agree, it's a mouthful. I tried again, after all the suggestions, by starting completely over and answering the question "Why do you want to be a commissioned officer?". I answered out loud and this is what I came up with. Again, all suggestions welcome.
I do not have family members that have preceded me in prestigious military careers. Nor did I grow up with stories from my grandfathers that flew fighter jets in WWII. My dedication for becoming an officer in the US Navy originated from the pride I take in being an American. My commitment to this feat flourished after meeting my husband's shipmates and interacting with numerous military personnel. Despite their rank, I saw an unprecedented passion within them. Their personification of honor, courage, commitment, integrity and pride is admirable. Throughout my life, I have been searching for a career in which I would be able to solidify those characteristics within myself and bring to them my ambition, intelligence, and exemplary work ethic. It would be a great honor to not only share that spirit, but also take pride in being part of something larger than myself.
I consistently perform my best while in a leadership position. Being captain of numerous basketball teams opened my eyes to this trait. Furthermore, I accepted countless leadership roles in group projects through the course of my college career. My success as a leader was achieved through productive communication, team-oriented problem solving, and an optimistic attitude. Often times this role meant I would sacrifice time and energy for the betterment of the team, which I quickly realized held an extraordinary payoff. In doing so, I learned the importance of teamwork and how to depend on my peers as they were able to depend on me.
These skills, coupled with my natural ability to adapt, lead, and communicate with others, have helped prepare me for the officer position I am working to achieve. If granted the opportunity of becoming a commissioned officer, I will continue to build my character and expand upon my knowledge. I will base my decisions on intellect and morality, while, ultimately, staying focused on supporting the constitution I will have sworn to defend.
I do not have family members that have preceded me in prestigious military careers. Nor did I grow up with stories from my grandfathers that flew fighter jets in WWII. My dedication for becoming an officer in the US Navy originated from the pride I take in being an American. My commitment to this feat flourished after meeting my husband's shipmates and interacting with numerous military personnel. Despite their rank, I saw an unprecedented passion within them. Their personification of honor, courage, commitment, integrity and pride is admirable. Throughout my life, I have been searching for a career in which I would be able to solidify those characteristics within myself and bring to them my ambition, intelligence, and exemplary work ethic. It would be a great honor to not only share that spirit, but also take pride in being part of something larger than myself.
I consistently perform my best while in a leadership position. Being captain of numerous basketball teams opened my eyes to this trait. Furthermore, I accepted countless leadership roles in group projects through the course of my college career. My success as a leader was achieved through productive communication, team-oriented problem solving, and an optimistic attitude. Often times this role meant I would sacrifice time and energy for the betterment of the team, which I quickly realized held an extraordinary payoff. In doing so, I learned the importance of teamwork and how to depend on my peers as they were able to depend on me.
These skills, coupled with my natural ability to adapt, lead, and communicate with others, have helped prepare me for the officer position I am working to achieve. If granted the opportunity of becoming a commissioned officer, I will continue to build my character and expand upon my knowledge. I will base my decisions on intellect and morality, while, ultimately, staying focused on supporting the constitution I will have sworn to defend.
marmoset54
Final Select Supply Corps
Your first two sentences are negatives. Change them into something positive. I understand what you want to do, but I would caution against it.
Second sentence is a fragment, but I agree that the first 2 sentences should both go. If you are set on that sentiment, I'd use something along the lines of, "While I don't have a family legacy of military service, I feel a strong calling to become a naval officer, based largely on the pride I take in being an American."
I still think it reads like you are trying to use impressive words, and in doing so you end up sounding a little off because the nuances aren't quite right. Even your explanatory sentence ("too robust verbiage") comes off this way, since you don't have the parts of speech quite right. It would be "verbiage that is too robust". (You wouldn't say, "too happy person". It would be "a person who is too happy". Same rules apply) Is this really the way you speak, or are you bringing out the fancy stuff for your statement? If it's the latter, consider writing it exactly as it comes into your head, or like you'd explain it to a buddy, and then finessing it a bit from there.
Did you really accept "countless " leadership positions? Because most people can count pretty high. Again, big word, used at the expense of accuracy and correctness. "Many" "numerous" (though I see you had already used that), "multiple", and other words would work better, or just restructure the sentence to read, "I accepted leadership roles in may group projects through the course of my college career." From a bigger picture perspective, I don't think being the go who collected and typed everyone else's work or made the phone calls to set a meeting time for your calculus study group is all that impressive. Maybe that's not what you mean by being a leader of a college group project, but that's what comes to mind. If that's the best leadership you have, I wouldn't draw attention to it. Damning with faint praise, and all that.... Instead, perhaps you can just state the you are a natural leader who often finds yourself heading up group projects and activities because of those natural leadership abilities.
Last sentence punctuation is off. The commas before and after "ultimately" are unnecessary.
so i guess to answer your question no its not the same one
Please post the version you sent to the board... at least PM me with it...
pm sent
I have a question about the "applicant's remarks," block 15 of the application. Are we supposed to expand on above areas of the application here such as our extracurricular activities since there are only 2 blocks listed for that? I just want to make sure that I am using this space correctly, because I also talk about my activities, work, and volunteer experience in my motivational statement. Thanks for the help.
marmoset54
Final Select Supply Corps
Use block 15 for anything that needs further explanation. For example, more than two extracurricular activities would be mentioned there. You want to use your MS to tell the board things they will not be able to glean from your application.
Get it?
Any takers? It's quite a beast right now. I think a fresh set of eyes will help trim the fat off this thing.
At the beginning of my junior year in high school, my class was brought into the auditorium to listen to a memorial speech about Rick Husband, one of the astronauts killed in the Columbia disaster who happened to go to my high school years ago. I remember his family speaking of his accomplishments and how proud he was that he reached his lifelong dream of becoming an astronaut and flying in space. His family went on to say that no matter how proud he was of that, it had no comparison to how highly he regarded his time as a military officer serving his country. Hearing his family speak of how rewarding a military career can be would fully make its impact on me during my first year at Texas A&M. After speaking to naval officers at school, it was clear that what drew me to Texas A&M was exactly what I found appealing about serving in the Navy. I found that the Navy is a tight-knit group rich with tradition that requires the values of honesty and integrity of all its enlisted sailors and officers, and pursuing a commission in the Navy quickly became a goal I set for myself.
Working hard for something you want was a lesson I learned early in life. My mother raised me by herself working two jobs and showed me by example what it takes to achieve what you want, and the importance of never giving up. All of my hard work throughout high school and college paid off when I was accepted to Navy OCS in May of 2009. I was eager to begin my career, and ran into an obstacle right at the start. I did not pass the depth perception test required of pilot candidates and was told by the flight surgeon that I was not physically qualified for the designator. My medical status was considered permanent with no waiver being recommended. I believe that many would have given up when faced with such an obstacle, but after over two years of persistence, I have improved my vision and fixed the depth perception problem I was having. I have passed the test easily at my optometrist’s and at MEPS, and have been granted a waiver for the condition.
When I was younger I once thought that I could best serve my country as a naval aviator because aviation was where my passion was and flying came comfortably to me. However, after graduating college and holding positions at my job requiring strong leadership qualities, I have found that my passion for aviation is equaled by my passion for taking on a difficult problem as part of a team and doing my best to lead that team through the obstacles and on to success. I feel that everything I have worked for my entire life has prepared me for military service. I am not applying for a commission in this down economy looking for a career; I am applying because it is a calling, a need, a desire to serve my country as a leader among the finest enlisted sailors and officers in the world’s strongest Navy. I applied twice to get accepted to OCS the first time, and feel that I have used every single day from the time I first contacted my recruiter in 2005 up to now as an opportunity to develop as a leader and learn the importance of teamwork when taking on a difficult problem. I was persistent in getting selected and overcoming the depth perception obstacle in order to get a waiver, and I will continue to persistently pursue a commission in the Navy because I have seen first hand how much it pays off to completely devote yourself toward achieving a goal.
At the beginning of my junior year in high school, my class was brought into the auditorium to listen to a memorial speech about Rick Husband, one of the astronauts killed in the Columbia disaster who happened to go to my high school years ago. I remember his family speaking of his accomplishments and how proud he was that he reached his lifelong dream of becoming an astronaut and flying in space. His family went on to say that no matter how proud he was of that, it had no comparison to how highly he regarded his time as a military officer serving his country. Hearing his family speak of how rewarding a military career can be would fully make its impact on me during my first year at Texas A&M. After speaking to naval officers at school, it was clear that what drew me to Texas A&M was exactly what I found appealing about serving in the Navy. I found that the Navy is a tight-knit group rich with tradition that requires the values of honesty and integrity of all its enlisted sailors and officers, and pursuing a commission in the Navy quickly became a goal I set for myself.
Working hard for something you want was a lesson I learned early in life. My mother raised me by herself working two jobs and showed me by example what it takes to achieve what you want, and the importance of never giving up. All of my hard work throughout high school and college paid off when I was accepted to Navy OCS in May of 2009. I was eager to begin my career, and ran into an obstacle right at the start. I did not pass the depth perception test required of pilot candidates and was told by the flight surgeon that I was not physically qualified for the designator. My medical status was considered permanent with no waiver being recommended. I believe that many would have given up when faced with such an obstacle, but after over two years of persistence, I have improved my vision and fixed the depth perception problem I was having. I have passed the test easily at my optometrist’s and at MEPS, and have been granted a waiver for the condition.
When I was younger I once thought that I could best serve my country as a naval aviator because aviation was where my passion was and flying came comfortably to me. However, after graduating college and holding positions at my job requiring strong leadership qualities, I have found that my passion for aviation is equaled by my passion for taking on a difficult problem as part of a team and doing my best to lead that team through the obstacles and on to success. I feel that everything I have worked for my entire life has prepared me for military service. I am not applying for a commission in this down economy looking for a career; I am applying because it is a calling, a need, a desire to serve my country as a leader among the finest enlisted sailors and officers in the world’s strongest Navy. I applied twice to get accepted to OCS the first time, and feel that I have used every single day from the time I first contacted my recruiter in 2005 up to now as an opportunity to develop as a leader and learn the importance of teamwork when taking on a difficult problem. I was persistent in getting selected and overcoming the depth perception obstacle in order to get a waiver, and I will continue to persistently pursue a commission in the Navy because I have seen first hand how much it pays off to completely devote yourself toward achieving a goal.
Lucy
Member
First off, I really like the feeling of your essay. It does need some tweeking though.
"At the beginning of my junior year in high school, my class was brought into the auditorium to listen to a memorial speech about Rick Husband, one of the astronauts killed in the Columbia disaster who happened to go to my high school years ago. I remember his family speaking of his accomplishments and how proud he was that he reached his lifelong dream of becoming an astronaut and flying in space. His family went on to say that no matter how proud he was of that, it had no comparison to how highly he regarded his time as a military officer serving his country. Hearing his family speak of how rewarding a military career can be would fully make its impact on me during my first year at Texas A&M. After speaking to naval officers at school, it was clear that what drew me to Texas A&M was exactly what I found appealing about serving in the Navy. I found that the Navy is a tight-knit group rich with tradition that requires the values of honesty and integrity of all its enlisted sailors and officers, and pursuing a commission in the Navy quickly became a goal I set for myself."
This paragragh is a little disjointed. Get what you mean but too wordy and not specific enough. Maybe cut it to “Hearing the family of astronuat Rick Husband speak during a memorial helped me realize the pride in military service. The way his family spoke of his service made me realize that I wanted to have the same said about my life. This was reinforced by (“speaking to naval officers at Texas A&M. It was clear that what drew me to Texas A&M was exactly what I found appealing about serving in the Navy. I found that the Navy is a tight-knit group rich with tradition that requires the values of honesty and integrity of all its enlisted sailors and officers, and pursuing a commission in the Navy quickly became a goal I set for myself.
(Having to work hard )for something you want was a lesson I learned early in life. My mother raised me by herself working two jobs and showed me by example what it takes to achieve what you want, and the importance of never giving up. All of my hard work throughout high school and college paid off when I was accepted to Navy OCS in May of 2009. I was eager to begin my career, and ran into an obstacle right at the start. I did not pass the depth perception test required of pilot candidates and was told by the flight surgeon that I was not physically qualified for the designator. My medical status was considered permanent with no waiver being recommended. ( I did not give up and after over two years of persistence, I have improved my vision and fixed the depth perception problem I was having. I have passed the test easily at my optometrist’s and at MEPS, and have been granted a waiver for the condition.
(delete) I once thought that I could best serve my country as a naval aviator because aviation was where my passion was and flying came comfortably to me. However, after graduating college and holding positions at my job requiring strong leadership qualities, I have found that my passion for aviation is equaled by my passion for taking on a difficult problem as part of a team and doing my best to lead that team through the obstacles and on to success. I feel that everything I have worked for my entire life has prepared me for military service. I am applying for a commission because it is a calling, a need, and a desire to serve my country as a Officer in the world’s strongest Navy. I applied twice to get accepted to OCS the first time, and feel that I have used every single day from the time I first contacted my recruiter in 2005 up to now as an opportunity to develop as a leader and learn the importance of teamwork when taking on a difficult problem. I was persistent in getting selected and overcoming the depth perception obstacle in order to get a waiver, and I will continue to persistently pursue a commission in the Navy.
(I am not sure about this part of the last sentence “because I have seen first hand how much it pays off to completely devote yourself toward achieving a goal.” because you are still achieving it… not bad just a little off. )
There are parts you could cut, but I like the flow even if it is a little long.
Overall I think you demosntrate why you were selected the first time and how they need to choose you again.
Good job.
"At the beginning of my junior year in high school, my class was brought into the auditorium to listen to a memorial speech about Rick Husband, one of the astronauts killed in the Columbia disaster who happened to go to my high school years ago. I remember his family speaking of his accomplishments and how proud he was that he reached his lifelong dream of becoming an astronaut and flying in space. His family went on to say that no matter how proud he was of that, it had no comparison to how highly he regarded his time as a military officer serving his country. Hearing his family speak of how rewarding a military career can be would fully make its impact on me during my first year at Texas A&M. After speaking to naval officers at school, it was clear that what drew me to Texas A&M was exactly what I found appealing about serving in the Navy. I found that the Navy is a tight-knit group rich with tradition that requires the values of honesty and integrity of all its enlisted sailors and officers, and pursuing a commission in the Navy quickly became a goal I set for myself."
This paragragh is a little disjointed. Get what you mean but too wordy and not specific enough. Maybe cut it to “Hearing the family of astronuat Rick Husband speak during a memorial helped me realize the pride in military service. The way his family spoke of his service made me realize that I wanted to have the same said about my life. This was reinforced by (“speaking to naval officers at Texas A&M. It was clear that what drew me to Texas A&M was exactly what I found appealing about serving in the Navy. I found that the Navy is a tight-knit group rich with tradition that requires the values of honesty and integrity of all its enlisted sailors and officers, and pursuing a commission in the Navy quickly became a goal I set for myself.
(Having to work hard )for something you want was a lesson I learned early in life. My mother raised me by herself working two jobs and showed me by example what it takes to achieve what you want, and the importance of never giving up. All of my hard work throughout high school and college paid off when I was accepted to Navy OCS in May of 2009. I was eager to begin my career, and ran into an obstacle right at the start. I did not pass the depth perception test required of pilot candidates and was told by the flight surgeon that I was not physically qualified for the designator. My medical status was considered permanent with no waiver being recommended. ( I did not give up and after over two years of persistence, I have improved my vision and fixed the depth perception problem I was having. I have passed the test easily at my optometrist’s and at MEPS, and have been granted a waiver for the condition.
(delete) I once thought that I could best serve my country as a naval aviator because aviation was where my passion was and flying came comfortably to me. However, after graduating college and holding positions at my job requiring strong leadership qualities, I have found that my passion for aviation is equaled by my passion for taking on a difficult problem as part of a team and doing my best to lead that team through the obstacles and on to success. I feel that everything I have worked for my entire life has prepared me for military service. I am applying for a commission because it is a calling, a need, and a desire to serve my country as a Officer in the world’s strongest Navy. I applied twice to get accepted to OCS the first time, and feel that I have used every single day from the time I first contacted my recruiter in 2005 up to now as an opportunity to develop as a leader and learn the importance of teamwork when taking on a difficult problem. I was persistent in getting selected and overcoming the depth perception obstacle in order to get a waiver, and I will continue to persistently pursue a commission in the Navy.
(I am not sure about this part of the last sentence “because I have seen first hand how much it pays off to completely devote yourself toward achieving a goal.” because you are still achieving it… not bad just a little off. )
There are parts you could cut, but I like the flow even if it is a little long.
Overall I think you demosntrate why you were selected the first time and how they need to choose you again.
Good job.
marmoset54
Final Select Supply Corps
Wow. That's a very nice MS. Lucy will take care of you, but really...fantastic.
Lucy
Member
Second what Marm said, most of my edits were to help streamline a bit. 
Wish I could get mine to sound that good!
Still reworking mine for the Jan board. After 4 submits its a little difficult to encompass everything but not sound stupid. Well got to weekend to work on it.
Plan on being back to help more now that my school scheduled is less (which doesnt make since with what I am actually doing, but maybe that whole doing what you love thing makes things easier holds true)
Wish I could get mine to sound that good!Still reworking mine for the Jan board. After 4 submits its a little difficult to encompass everything but not sound stupid. Well got to weekend to work on it.
Plan on being back to help more now that my school scheduled is less (which doesnt make since with what I am actually doing, but maybe that whole doing what you love thing makes things easier holds true)