Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[sndyson]

Hello all,

After seeing a bunch of great feedback on others' motivationals, I decided to have a go with my own. I had written a completely different one a while back, but having been given the opportunity (inadvertently by not making a previous deadline) to improve upon it, I decided to scrap the whole thing as it was a bit too "fluffy" for my liking. Any and all comments/advice are MUCH appreciated! (program selections are aviation, supply, intel - in that order)

____

After graduating from UNC-Charlotte, I found myself at quite a crossroad. The idea of even the most prestigious “9-5” career field had essentially lost all appeal, while at the same time I found myself coming into a much more complete appreciation for my patriotism – my affinity for both America and for those involved in the endeavor of American exceptionalism. After a few months as part of the civilian workforce, I feel I was truly blessed to come across the knowledge of a route that would cohere a college degree to a career of service in our nation’s military – Navy Officer Candidate School. Shortly after looking further into this opportunity, I began the journey of seeking acceptance into OCS.

This was not a lightly made decision, as it is no secret that not just any willing person is fit for a career of military service. However, looking back on my past leadership experiences – from wrestling team captain to holding several local officer positions in college-run organizations to attaining a spot on the executive council as a state officer in the largest national collegiate student organization in the country – I can aptly say that the roles and responsibilities that accompany leadership are familiar territory. Even with that being said, it is still simply not enough. I do not want to pursue something where all requirements on my part are met the very first day, so I do not expect to step into such a role as Navy Officer. Rather, I expect to be challenged to become one.

To be honest, I used to be a quiet, back-of-the-pack individual growing up. However, knowing that this is typically not the kind of person that goes too far in life, I spent years forcefully putting myself outside of my own comfort zone and blindly taking the reins whenever possible. For those reasons and others, today I find myself knowing no other role to fill than being a leader. What I know myself to be capable of offering the Navy as a commissioned officer is both the mental and physical fortitude to push myself through the most arduous of trials, while at the same time providing that very motivation to those around me (my team did not win the wrestling state championship my senior year for just any reason, after all). I want to get in the mix of things, serve time overseas and experience things I never otherwise would – so I am therefore willing to do whatever it takes to earn such privileges.

I have spent years now studying the field of aviation, as well as honing my quantitative skills and learning all I can about the U.S. Navy. Body and mind, I know I am a well-suited candidate for the above selected programs and I wholeheartedly plan on living up to the standards of what an OCS graduate and, therefore, a Navy Officer should undoubtedly illustrate – excellence. I want the honor, I have the courage, and I desire nothing more than to prove my commitment.

 

[twobecrazy]

Hello all,

After seeing a bunch of great feedback on others' motivationals, I decided to have a go with my own. I had written a completely different one a while back, but having been given the opportunity (inadvertently by not making a previous deadline) to improve upon it, I decided to scrap the whole thing as it was a bit too "fluffy" for my liking. Any and all comments/advice are MUCH appreciated! (program selections are aviation, supply, intel - in that order)

____

After graduating from UNC-Charlotte, I found myself at quite a crossroad. The idea of even the most prestigious “9-5” career field had essentially lost all appeal, while at the same time I found myself coming into a much more complete appreciation for my patriotism – my affinity for both America and for those involved in the endeavor of American exceptionalism. After a few months as part of the civilian workforce, I feel I was truly blessed to come across the knowledge of a route that would cohere a college degree to a career of service in our nation’s military – Navy Officer Candidate School. Shortly after looking further into this opportunity, I began the journey of seeking acceptance into OCS.

This was not a lightly made decision, as it is no secret that not just any willing person is fit for a career of military service. However, looking back on my past leadership experiences – from wrestling team captain to holding several local officer positions in college-run organizations to attaining a spot on the executive council as a state officer in the largest national collegiate student organization in the country – I can aptly say that the roles and responsibilities that accompany leadership are familiar territory. Even with that being said, it is still simply not enough. I do not want to pursue something where all requirements on my part are met the very first day, so I do not expect to step into such a role as Navy Officer. Rather, I expect to be challenged to become one.

To be honest, I used to be a quiet, back-of-the-pack individual growing up. However, knowing that this is typically not the kind of person that goes too far in life, I spent years forcefully putting myself outside of my own comfort zone and blindly taking the reins whenever possible. For those reasons and others, today I find myself knowing no other role to fill than being a leader. What I know myself to be capable of offering the Navy as a commissioned officer is both the mental and physical fortitude to push myself through the most arduous of trials, while at the same time providing that very motivation to those around me (my team did not win the wrestling state championship my senior year for just any reason, after all). I want to get in the mix of things, serve time overseas and experience things I never otherwise would – so I am therefore willing to do whatever it takes to earn such privileges.

I have spent years now studying the field of aviation, as well as honing my quantitative skills and learning all I can about the U.S. Navy. Body and mind, I know I am a well-suited candidate for the above selected programs and I wholeheartedly plan on living up to the standards of what an OCS graduate and, therefore, a Navy Officer should undoubtedly illustrate – excellence. I want the honor, I have the courage, and I desire nothing more than to prove my commitment.

Hello all,

After seeing a bunch of great feedback on others' motivationals, I decided to have a go with my own. I had written a completely different one a while back, but having been given the opportunity (inadvertently by not making a previous deadline) to improve upon it, I decided to scrap the whole thing as it was a bit too "fluffy" for my liking. Any and all comments/advice are MUCH appreciated! (program selections are aviation, supply, intel - in that order)

____

After graduating from UNC-Charlotte, I found myself at quite a crossroad. The idea of even the most prestigious “9-5” career field had essentially lost all appeal, while at the same time I found myself coming into a much more complete appreciation for my patriotism – my affinity for both America and for those involved in the endeavor of American exceptionalism. After a few months as part of the civilian workforce, I feel I was truly blessed to come across the knowledge of a route that would cohere a college degree to a career of service in our nation’s military – Navy Officer Candidate School. Shortly after looking further into this opportunity, I began the journey of seeking acceptance into OCS.

This was not a lightly made decision, as it is no secret that not just any willing person is fit for a career of military service. However, looking back on my past leadership experiences – from wrestling team captain to holding several local officer positions in college-run organizations to attaining a spot on the executive council as a state officer in the largest national collegiate student organization in the country – I can aptly say that the roles and responsibilities that accompany leadership are familiar territory. Even with that being said, it is still simply not enough. I do not want to pursue something where all requirements on my part are met the very first day, so I do not expect to step into such a role as Navy Officer. Rather, I expect to be challenged to become one.

To be honest, I used to be a quiet, back-of-the-pack individual growing up. However, knowing that this is typically not the kind of person that goes too far in life, I spent years forcefully putting myself outside of my own comfort zone and blindly taking the reins whenever possible. For those reasons and others, today I find myself knowing no other role to fill than being a leader. What I know myself to be capable of offering the Navy as a commissioned officer is both the mental and physical fortitude to push myself through the most arduous of trials, while at the same time providing that very motivation to those around me (my team did not win the wrestling state championship my senior year for just any reason, after all). I want to get in the mix of things, serve time overseas and experience things I never otherwise would – so I am therefore willing to do whatever it takes to earn such privileges.

I have spent years now studying the field of aviation, as well as honing my quantitative skills and learning all I can about the U.S. Navy. Body and mind, I know I am a well-suited candidate for the above selected programs and I wholeheartedly plan on living up to the standards of what an OCS graduate and, therefore, a Navy Officer should undoubtedly illustrate – excellence. I want the honor, I have the courage, and I desire nothing more than to prove my commitment.

Holy land of the wordy... Yea, I would say you have done a 180 from your quieter days... .... I don't have time now to give some good constructive criticism but I should in a couple of days (hopefully)... If you haven't seen me reply send a PM reminding me to do so and I will do what I can... I am sure some others will be happy to help as well....

 

[villanelle]

Hello all,

After seeing a bunch of great feedback on others' motivationals, I decided to have a go with my own. I had written a completely different one a while back, but having been given the opportunity (inadvertently by not making a previous deadline) to improve upon it, I decided to scrap the whole thing as it was a bit too "fluffy" for my liking. Any and all comments/advice are MUCH appreciated! (program selections are aviation, supply, intel - in that order)

____

After graduating from UNC-Charlotte, I found myself at quite a crossroad. The idea of even the most prestigious “9-5” career field had essentially lost all appeal, while at the same time I found myself coming into a much more complete appreciation for my patriotism – my affinity for both America and for those involved in the endeavor of American exceptionalism. After a few months as part of the civilian workforce, I feel I was truly blessed to come across the knowledge of a route that would cohere a college degree to a career of service in our nation’s military – Navy Officer Candidate School. Shortly after looking further into this opportunity, I began the journey of seeking acceptance into OCS.

This was not a lightly made decision, as it is no secret that not just any willing person is fit for a career of military service. However, looking back on my past leadership experiences – from wrestling team captain to holding several local officer positions in college-run organizations to attaining a spot on the executive council as a state officer in the largest national collegiate student organization in the country – I can aptly say that the roles and responsibilities that accompany leadership are familiar territory. Even with that being said, it is still simply not enough. I do not want to pursue something where all requirements on my part are met the very first day, so I do not expect to step into such a role as Navy Officer. Rather, I expect to be challenged to become one.

To be honest, I used to be a quiet, back-of-the-pack individual growing up. However, knowing that this is typically not the kind of person that goes too far in life, I spent years forcefully putting myself outside of my own comfort zone and blindly taking the reins whenever possible. For those reasons and others, today I find myself knowing no other role to fill than being a leader. What I know myself to be capable of offering the Navy as a commissioned officer is both the mental and physical fortitude to push myself through the most arduous of trials, while at the same time providing that very motivation to those around me (my team did not win the wrestling state championship my senior year for just any reason, after all). I want to get in the mix of things, serve time overseas and experience things I never otherwise would – so I am therefore willing to do whatever it takes to earn such privileges.

I have spent years now studying the field of aviation, as well as honing my quantitative skills and learning all I can about the U.S. Navy. Body and mind, I know I am a well-suited candidate for the above selected programs and I wholeheartedly plan on living up to the standards of what an OCS graduate and, therefore, a Navy Officer should undoubtedly illustrate – excellence. I want the honor, I have the courage, and I desire nothing more than to prove my commitment.

I'm a bit pressed for time, but I think you use a few too many conjunctive words and phrases. Of particular eye-twitchiness is "to be honest", I'm going to assume that your entire statement is honest, so it's silly to point that out, and it adds nothing to the statement. Chop that. Likewise (see what I did there, using a conjunctive word while I blather on about you using too many conjunctive words?), there are plenty of other examples: rather, even with that being said, however, for those reasons, as well as (why not just "and?), etc. Limited use of these types of words and phrases is good as it increases readability by connecting thoughts or letting us know where you are coming from, but done too much it gets rather words.

Also, the bolded punctuation is weird, if not incorrect. That should be used for phrases that are essentially interuptions, but here the second phrase is just a continuation of the thought.

In generally, I think it is a pretty good statement (let me say again that I come from a writing perspective mostly). You sentence structure is nice and varied and that makes it easy to read, and the ideas flow naturally from one to the next.

 

[Z-Man]

Well I have been working on my statement for a bit now. I'm too far out from graduation for a regular OCS packet, so my recruiter has been pushing NUPOC. I agreed to go through the screening. Here's my statement so far. I don't think I write very well. Ready for any and all criticism. Thanks.

I’ve been to a few career fairs so far in college. They all have the same façade, a company that would like you to “work” for them. What are you really working for? Do you believe in their values as a business, or do you believe in the paycheck they give you at the end of the week? Throughout the myriad of tables, one stands out. Behind it stand two United States Naval Officers in dress whites. They do not sit in chairs like the table adjacent. They stand erect, disciplined, waiting patiently to answer the next question. As I wait, I overhear the type of questions being asked by the people in front of me. They mostly concentrate on what the Navy can offer them. I take a different approach. The officer I talk with introduces herself as a lieutenant commander and adds to the end, “United States Navy.” She says the last part with reverence. I introduce myself and launch into what motivates me to become a United States Naval Officer and what I can offer. Having the privilege to speak with that officer leaves a smirk on my face as I walk away. The reason I am working towards a commission in the United States Navy is simple. I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment imagining one day repeating my rank and title as mentioned above; the reverence I believe should be associated with serving one’s country.

My degree path has provided me with opportunities to develop as both a leader and problem solver. I have been involved in organizations that have added to my character and leadership abilities. Since I was a freshman, I have been a member of the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics at Oklahoma State University (AIAA). Beginning in August 2011, I was elected Vice President of the organization. I focus mainly on mentoring the underclassmen. I am also a College of Engineering, Architecture and Technology (CEAT) Ambassador. Again, I am the person the college uses to give the prospective students a full run through of what it is like to be an engineering student. For example, I recently gave a presentation to the entire prospective freshman engineering class at Oklahoma State. Also as a mechanical and aerospace engineering student, I have certainly been challenged academically. But, as early as my sophomore year I sought out research positions within the college. Since then I have had hands on experience with multiple research projects, most notably with NASA. I then followed up with an internship stint with NASA at Johnson Space Center. I worked in the engineering directorate on prototype space habitats. Even more recently, I have accepted a position with General Electric Aviation for the summer of 2012. My hands on technical academic experience coupled with my leadership activities make me an ideal officer candidate.

Being a nuclear trained officer is not something that everyone can and will do. It is a demanding and prestigious position that brings with it a completely new set of challenges. The United States Navy’s nearly unlimited range relies on its nuclear propulsion power plants, the most advanced in the world. I think that my academic, leadership, and work experience merit the chance to be considered for this position. I want to be a part of the best. I would feel an overwhelming sense of pride knowing that I will be helping maintain the Navy’s perfect nuclear record. I would expect nothing less of myself and my fellow sailors.

 

[yakboyslim]

I get what you are trying to do with your opening paragraph, but it just plain rubs me the wrong way. I think pointing out how you approached the table different is a bad move. It sounds cheap, like somehow you think the manner in which you spoke at a career fair makes you more qualified to be an Officer. I know that isn't what you meant, but that's how it read.

Also, and if others disagree on this please chime in, you don't need to compliment the Navy in your motivational statement. What I mean is I wouldn't mention the "nearly unlimited range," etc unless that is WHY YOU are motivated to join the Navy specifically. I know what you are doing because I applied for several civilian jobs at one point or another. I think you are trying to show an interest in the "company". Think about it though, you only do that with regular jobs because they need to know you are more interested than the buckshot-apply-to-everything-and-hope approach. Obviously, you are applying for military service, you are interested.

Your "compliment" to the Navy in your first paragraph is more personal and telling, so I don't have a problem with it.

One last thing the "Again," in the middle of the second paragraph gives the sense that you are having to remind the reader, who is too dumb to pick up on things with one try. Instead combine those two examples in one sentence and say something like "In both positions I am responsible for mentoring underclassmen and my peers." Saves words too, overall your moti statement could have some fat trimmed, might start there.

I just can't imagine the boards take that much time to go over these, so the more concise the better.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Well I have been working on my statement for a bit now. I'm too far out from graduation for a regular OCS packet, so my recruiter has been pushing NUPOC. I agreed to go through the screening. Here's my statement so far. I don't think I write very well. Ready for any and all criticism. Thanks.

I’ve been to a few career fairs so far in college. They all have the same façade, a company that would like you to “work” for them. What are you really working for? Do you believe in their values as a business, or do you believe in the paycheck they give you at the end of the week? Throughout the myriad of tables, one stands out. Behind it stand two United States Naval Officers in dress whites. They do not sit in chairs like the table adjacent. They stand erect, disciplined, waiting patiently to answer the next question. As I wait, I overhear the type of questions being asked by the people in front of me. They mostly concentrate on what the Navy can offer them. I take a different approach. The officer I talk with introduces herself as a lieutenant commander and adds to the end, “United States Navy.” She says the last part with reverence. I introduce myself and launch into what motivates me to become a United States Naval Officer and what I can offer. Having the privilege to speak with that officer leaves a smirk on my face as I walk away. The reason I am working towards a commission in the United States Navy is simple. I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment imagining one day repeating my rank and title as mentioned above; the reverence I believe should be associated with serving one’s country.

My degree path has provided me with opportunities to develop as both a leader and problem solver. I have been involved in organizations that have added to my character and leadership abilities. Since I was a freshman, I have been a member of the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics at Oklahoma State University (AIAA). Beginning in August 2011, I was elected Vice President of the organization. I focus mainly on mentoring the underclassmen. I am also a College of Engineering, Architecture and Technology (CEAT) Ambassador. Again, I am the person the college uses to give the prospective students a full run through of what it is like to be an engineering student. For example, I recently gave a presentation to the entire prospective freshman engineering class at Oklahoma State. Also as a mechanical and aerospace engineering student, I have certainly been challenged academically. But, as early as my sophomore year I sought out research positions within the college. Since then I have had hands on experience with multiple research projects, most notably with NASA. I then followed up with an internship stint with NASA at Johnson Space Center. I worked in the engineering directorate on prototype space habitats. Even more recently, I have accepted a position with General Electric Aviation for the summer of 2012. My hands on technical academic experience coupled with my leadership activities make me an ideal officer candidate.

Being a nuclear trained officer is not something that everyone can and will do. It is a demanding and prestigious position that brings with it a completely new set of challenges. The United States Navy’s nearly unlimited range relies on its nuclear propulsion power plants, the most advanced in the world. I think that my academic, leadership, and work experience merit the chance to be considered for this position. I want to be a part of the best. I would feel an overwhelming sense of pride knowing that I will be helping maintain the Navy’s perfect nuclear record. I would expect nothing less of myself and my fellow sailors.

Your motivational statement doesn't mean anything when going NUPOC, they don't even look at it, every one of my Nukes was picked up and had about 4 lines in their motivational statement.

 

[yakboyslim]

Your motivational statement doesn't mean anything when going NUPOC, they don't even look at it, every one of my Nukes was picked up and had about 4 lines in their motivational statement.

Really? I worked on mine forever.

To the OP - don't apply for NUPOC unless you want it. Don't just do it to get things done early. If you want to be a nuke then go for it, though.

I went the whole way through the NUPOC application because I thought I wanted it, because it was the only thing really offered to me. My recruiter was fantastic, but I think (NavyOffRec can confirm or deny this if he wants) but I think there is a very strong pull for the recruiters to push strong candidates towards NUPOC. Obviously in your case, without BDCP, it is your only choice right now.

After I didn't get picked up for NUPOC I examined my other options and went NFO, which I prefer vastly and is really where I'm supposed to be. I could have saved myself some time and gotten on BDCP earlier if I just went that route right away. (I wouldn't have gotten the cool VIP trip, and a night of drinking with the guy the Navy put me in a hotel with for the Admiral's interview. He got accepted and I was happy to help him spend a part of his bonus.)

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Really? I worked on mine forever.

To the OP - don't apply for NUPOC unless you want it. Don't just do it to get things done early. If you want to be a nuke then go for it, though.

I went the whole way through the NUPOC application because I thought I wanted it, because it was the only thing really offered to me. My recruiter was fantastic, but I think (NavyOffRec can confirm or deny this if he wants) but I think there is a very strong pull for the recruiters to push strong candidates towards NUPOC. Obviously in your case, without BDCP, it is your only choice right now.

After I didn't get picked up for NUPOC I examined my other options and went NFO, which I prefer vastly and is really where I'm supposed to be. I could have saved myself some time and gotten on BDCP earlier if I just went that route right away. (I wouldn't have gotten the cool VIP trip, and a night of drinking with the guy the Navy put me in a hotel with for the Admiral's interview. He got accepted and I was happy to help him spend a part of his bonus.)

Yep, they don't care about it, I have sat with the Naval Reactors screeners and they flip right to the transcripts, I asked him if the comments in the statement could help an applicant with so so grades and his responese "nope don't read them, we just look at transcripts".

There is always a push for NUPOC, mainly because NR is so picky on grades we have to weed through quite a few people, I have seen people with 3.5 GPA's get screened "no".

 

[seanw3343]

Does that follow suite with the other designators as well?

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Does that follow suite with the other designators as well?

no only NUPOC

 

[seanw3343]

I suppose that's good, because it took me some time to refine my statements. I'm pretty sure that I had at least eight different people looking at it and changed it about 18 times ....lol Do the non active duty people have to stick within the 250 word restriction per block as well? I think that was the toughest aspect of it, because it limits each section so much....

 

[exNavyOffRec]

I suppose that's good, because it took me some time to refine my statements. I'm pretty sure that I had at least eight different people looking at it and changed it about 18 times ....lol Do the non active duty people have to stick within the 250 word restriction per block as well? I think that was the toughest aspect of it, because it limits each section so much....

no, non active are just restricted to "visible area"

 

[Z-Man]

I get what you are trying to do with your opening paragraph, but it just plain rubs me the wrong way. I think pointing out how you approached the table different is a bad move. It sounds cheap, like somehow you think the manner in which you spoke at a career fair makes you more qualified to be an Officer. I know that isn't what you meant, but that's how it read.

Also, and if others disagree on this please chime in, you don't need to compliment the Navy in your motivational statement. What I mean is I wouldn't mention the "nearly unlimited range," etc unless that is WHY YOU are motivated to join the Navy specifically. I know what you are doing because I applied for several civilian jobs at one point or another. I think you are trying to show an interest in the "company". Think about it though, you only do that with regular jobs because they need to know you are more interested than the buckshot-apply-to-everything-and-hope approach. Obviously, you are applying for military service, you are interested.

Your "compliment" to the Navy in your first paragraph is more personal and telling, so I don't have a problem with it.

One last thing the "Again," in the middle of the second paragraph gives the sense that you are having to remind the reader, who is too dumb to pick up on things with one try. Instead combine those two examples in one sentence and say something like "In both positions I am responsible for mentoring underclassmen and my peers." Saves words too, overall your moti statement could have some fat trimmed, might start there.

I just can't imagine the boards take that much time to go over these, so the more concise the better.

Your motivational statement doesn't mean anything when going NUPOC, they don't even look at it, every one of my Nukes was picked up and had about 4 lines in their motivational statement.

Thanks for the input yakboyslim. I will change this draft around and save it for later I guess since they don't care that much. About the NUPOC thing...I agreed to go through the screening after I told my recruiter straight to his face NUPOC wasn't my first choice. He understands it probably won't happen, but he still wants me to go on the trip and see the sub/ship. Who knows I might even screen "no." Makes my decision easier. Thanks again.

 

[yakboyslim]

Definitely if you have any thought you might want it, go on the VIP trip. If nothing else it's a pretty awesome tour.

 

[ravioli]

I would like to have my motivational statement criticized by someone, but it's very personal so I would rather not post it here for everyone to see. I would like to private message one to two people my statement. I would, also, like brutal honesty about it. If anyone could do me this favor that'd be great.