Sure, I'm going to break it into your paragraphs to make it quicker for the both of us...
Receiving a commission as an officer would be the culmination of a lifelong pursuit to become a member of the United States Navy. Since I was very young, my parents have instilled in me the desire to perform my absolute best and to never settle for anything less. More importantly, they have taught me to always be a leader, and to always act with integrity and honor no matter what difficulties and hurdles I encounter. I want to utilize these tools that they have provided me to continue to build upon my leadership ability and realize my goal and dream of becoming an officer in the United States Navy. It is an ambition that will allow me to contribute to an important global mission which reflects the same qualities I see in myself; a mission that demonstrates honor, courage, and commitment.
The first sentence seems awkward to me because if your, "lifelong pursuit to become a
member of the United States Navy" was truly that than why are you seeking a commission when you could have easily enlisted to satisfy your pursuit? I might be a little picky here but to me that immediately came to my head when I read that. Maybe you could rearrange the sentence by stating,
Receiving a commission would be the culmination of a lifelong pursuit to become a Naval Officer, either way I don't really like how you started the statement as this seems to be a sentence better suited for the end of the paragraph or the statement all together. It would be better if you started the statement by giving a vague idea of when you wanted to become a Naval Officer. For instance, "
When I was 13 my grandfather took me to visit the USS Missouri and at that moment I knew I wanted to be a Naval Officer." After that sentence you can lead into how your parents instilled stuff in you and whatnot but you need a better starting point. Also, what is with all the "and" in your statement (see bold above). I understand what you are meaning but if you break it up then I shouldn't keep reading and, and, and, and... Get my point? Clear
concise sentences will work much better. The last sentence, "It is an ambition that will allow me to contribute to an important global mission which reflects the same qualities I see in myself; a mission that demonstrates honor, courage, and commitment." sounds like you are trying too hard. It could just be me but I don't like it due to my previous reasoning. You could easily have left it out and stopped with the sentence preceding it and your statement would flow better in my opinion.
My personal background and my education have prepared me to meet and exceed the expectations of an officer in the United States Navy. In conjunction, my professional career as a Sheriff’s Deputy has allowed me to further demonstrate my courage, strong character, and innate leadership skills. My decision making ability is tested nightly on duty, where I am required to be a force of calm in a world sometimes filled with chaos. I have been exposed to many highly demanding situations including surviving a shooting where my partner and I were fired on repeatedly by an assailant, as well as responding to the immediate aftermath of a large tornado that devastated the city of Tuscaloosa and killed dozens of people. I was among the first to arrive on the scene after the violent storm narrowly missed my home. I led fellow deputies, paramedics, and citizens in search and recovery tasks immediately following the disaster. I also supervised Alabama National Guard personnel assigned to my checkpoints while jointly conducting security efforts with their units in the disaster area for several weeks following the tragedy. My swift critical thinking, and ability to work cohesively with others, saved the lives of numerous people. These demanding challenges arose while I was earning my bachelor’s degree at the University of Alabama as a full time student while also working full time during my final three semesters. I succeeded professionally and academically through my ability to balance school and work efficiently. I was able to make a significant contribution to the city that I called my home during my college career and more importantly, one that directly and positively impacted people's lives. All of these experiences have allowed me to further prove that I can prevail against adversity and attain anything I desire.
Alright so the first sentence here doesn't do anything for you either in my opinion. In fact, I would get rid of everything before Sheriff's Deputy and start this paragraph at that point. "
As a Sheriff's Deputy I have demonstrated many sound qualities. Courage, character, and leadership skills are a few." appears like a better way to start off this paragraph. Then you go into everything I have highlighted in bold above. That information is outstanding. It tells the board many things about you and really makes you stand out from every applicant at the board! That being said the remaining part of the paragraph is really just information that you have throughout your application and already in this statement so you are just repeating yourself. If you are looking to close the paragraph than you can adjust that last sentence to provide a strong finish to the paragraph or a good opening sentence for your conclusion paragraph. Try this for that last sentence,
"My experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity." Now that I'm looking at it I think you should make that your starting sentence for the conclusion paragraph. So lets move on...
Receiving a commission as an officer in the United States Navy would be the pinnacle of my professional career and the realization of a life-long personal dream. I want to become an officer in the Navy to further cultivate and apply my strong leadership abilities in a manner that my parents, and myself, can be proud of. The opportunity to undertake new and exciting challenges will be of great benefit to me and in turn I know my resolve, leadership, and character will be of great benefit to the men and women of the United States Navy.
This first sentence seems to be a repeat of your very first sentence just arranged differently. So if we start the paragraph off with,
"My experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity." you can immediately proceed into your next sentence.
Now I want to become an officer in the Navy to further cultivate and apply my strong leadership abilities. Again you use and more and more and more and more and more... So you could just eliminate them by breaking the sentence up into two separate sentences or just get rid of them altogether and use that sentence, "
Receiving a commission would be the culmination of a lifelong pursuit to become a Naval Officer." Then finish it off with something like, "
I know I will serve my country proudly just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa."
Overall it wasn't too bad just need to fix those things... Repost when you have your mistakes corrected and we will take another look at it!
