Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[yakboyslim]

 

[TAMR]

I believe this is what you meant to post. Classic.

 

[smurf2002TKE]

So, I have the right form for OPNAVIST 1420.1 and the motivational statement is broken up to two parts. One part why you want to become an Naval Officer and the second how would you put the Core Values of Honor Courage and Commitment in. Both said to try to fit all of the words in the allowed section to about 250 words. Does this sound right to most of you?

 

[twobecrazy]

So, I have the right form for OPNAVIST 1420.1 and the motivational statement is broken up to two parts. One part why you want to become an Naval Officer and the second how would you put the Core Values of Honor Courage and Commitment in. Both said to try to fit all of the words in the allowed section to about 250 words. Does this sound right to most of you?

That is correct for fleet applicants but not for the civi side...

 

[sndyson]

This was my best bet on where to post this specific question, so here goes...

As far as my OCS application goes, SNA will undoubtedly be my #1 choice (strong ASTB, rec's, gpa, etc.). However, if not selected I would still like to see if I have options available as far as Supply and Intel go (even though I hear Intel is crazy competitive this go-around). Not being sure of what the board sees on my application, I feel I must tread carefully here because even though I have that deep-seeded conviction to go after SNA in the first place, I don't want it to seem to the boards that its "okay" in my book to get picked up for just anything. SO, my question is: Can each specific board view all of the program choices on your application? Meaning, if I have other program choices other than Pilot, will that board be able to see that I've got those other program choices? And what would be the best course of action, all things considered?

I have been involved in this process long enough (still without even getting to go before a board, unfortunately) that its not the end of the world to have to wait until the next board rolls around to go for Supply/Intel/etc., so since I'm getting near the age limit for SNA/OCS graduation date, I'd like for this round to be all about SNA. I really do believe in the whole "officer first, designator second" mindset, but I'm trying to look at this from the perspective of the board I'm hoping to get accepted by the most.

Advice/Info/Suggestions??

 

[exNavyOffRec]

This was my best bet on where to post this specific question, so here goes...

As far as my OCS application goes, SNA will undoubtedly be my #1 choice (strong ASTB, rec's, gpa, etc.). However, if not selected I would still like to see if I have options available as far as Supply and Intel go (even though I hear Intel is crazy competitive this go-around). Not being sure of what the board sees on my application, I feel I must tread carefully here because even though I have that deep-seeded conviction to go after SNA in the first place, I don't want it to seem to the boards that its "okay" in my book to get picked up for just anything. SO, my question is: Can each specific board view all of the program choices on your application? Meaning, if I have other program choices other than Pilot, will that board be able to see that I've got those other program choices? And what would be the best course of action, all things considered?

I have been involved in this process long enough (still without even getting to go before a board, unfortunately) that its not the end of the world to have to wait until the next board rolls around to go for Supply/Intel/etc., so since I'm getting near the age limit for SNA/OCS graduation date, I'd like for this round to be all about SNA. I really do believe in the whole "officer first, designator second" mindset, but I'm trying to look at this from the perspective of the board I'm hoping to get accepted by the most.

Advice/Info/Suggestions??

All boards can see page one of the application, if you have good GPA/PFAR and are not picked up SNA you probably won't be picked up Supply or Intel as they are more competitive, and at this point it has been recommended that no Intel selections be made at the next board. The rumor is that if you don't put Supply or Intel #1 or #2 they won't select you, and coincidently every person who has been picked up Supply or Intel at my NRD had those choices either 1 or 2.

 

[villanelle]

Maybe I missed the ship on that one in English class but I didn't know there were multiple styles for using commas. Thanks for looking through my draft, I'll definitely choose one or the other and keep it consistent. Thanks for the help

These may be late inputs, but IMO, use the Oxford comma. Just do it. It is clear, effective, and easy. (See what I did there?) My favorite example is as follows:
On my trip, I met Ghandi, a train conductor, and a vibrator salesman.
On my trip, I met Ghandi, a train conductor and a vibrator saleseman.

Ghandi did not drive trains or sell dildos.

Also, for writing a formal statement, avoid contractions of any kind (I'm I am, etc.)

I'm pressed for time so that's all I can comment on right now. Overall, I'd say it's not bad at all.

 

[Foxtrot20]

I am currently finishing up my motivational statement. Is someone willing to look at it through PM? Thank you.

 

[Austin Olinyk]

Putting together my motivational statement and wanted to get some of your thoughts. Any suggestions and criticisms would be much appreciated. Thanks Guys.

To serve ones country is the highest calling. It is my lifelong goal to become a US Navy officer, in keeping with my core, strengths, convictions and values. I aspire to something more than a job or a career; I want a calling. I want to inspire those around me and to be something more than one man.
I have wanted to be a naval officer since the time I was a small child, when my father would take me to air shows, and we built model airplanes and ships together. Since that time I have wanted nothing more than to serve my country. Every year I would come to San Diego, and watch aircraft fly from North Island for hours. I knew from that point on that my dreams lay in service to my country specifically at sea, on the grey ships cruising the sea or on one of the aircraft taking to the skies. The Navy always felt like my place, between the majesty of ships as large as the empire state building sliding across San Diego bay, to the roar and raw power of a jet engine.

This calling began to manifest in my character when I was 11 years old. My youth pastor was a retired Navy helicopter pilot. Early-on he taught me the value of true leadership. A leader inspires others to greatness; he places others before himself and raises them up; he is honorable and truthful in word and deed, and committed to his ideals and beliefs. A leader shows courage; not in the absence of fear, but in standing firm and persevering despite fear. Based on this definition of leadership, I knew that if that is what a naval officer represented, then that was what I wanted to be.
In the Boy Scouts I practiced leadership on my path to Eagle Scout and was exposed to honor and duty. I served as senior patrol leader, troop guide, and at the same time was troop chaplain. Through these positions I gained a greater sense of commitment to ones duties. For my eagle project I rebuilt the irrigation system, built planters and planted landscaping around the field and in my high school stadium. This involved organizing and leading 400 volunteers, ranging from teammates and students, to teachers and community volunteers, and even the mayor helped! The project also involved the soliciting and accounting for donations and from businesses and the community, in order to carry out the project. This taught me another lesson; not to be afraid to ask for help when needed and the power of a strong community.

I took the lessons of scouting to heart as team captain on my football and track teams in high school. I learned that through hard work and leading by example I could better myself as well as those around me. Through effective leadership and teamwork we made it to the division championship, including a 10-1 regular season and the first ever shutout of our biggest rival. As the ranking senior sprinter on the track team, I led our 4x100 relay team to the southern sectional meet and competed individually in open 400 meter at the state championship.

Following my belief in public service as a greater calling, at university I pursued the study of politics. Education in the extended major of American Political Studies (BS) provided the opportunity to expand my education beyond the political arena and to look at my field from a broad perspective. In my studies at Northern Arizona University I was able to hone my critical thinking and analysis skills in topics such as, US history, Eastern European politics, military theory, game theory, globalization, economic theory, legal studies, foreign policy, and Middle Eastern politics, to name a few. I learned how to be an effective communicator and the value of going “all out” and to take advantage of every opportunity. From participating in model UN, to helping a professor as a research aid, every experience taught me something about myself, and how to be a more effective student and leader.

I further learned what it meant to a leader a d manager of men. As Phi Delta Theta fraternity’s intramural chair for three years, we won numerous sports championships, and I served as chaplain, thereby acting as a counselor and moderator. If a brother needed someone to talk to, my door was always open. My time with the chapter taught me that,” one man is no man.” A leader is nothing without those supporting him and those that came before him.
As a member of NAU’s football team I distinguished myself as a friend, teammate, competitor, and leader. Though my first season was cut short by an ACL tear it was a great learning experience and further aided my development my drive to overcome challenges, and to achieve my goals. On the debate team I proved to myself and my peers that I have a sharp intellect, wit, and am mentally strong. Debate also taught me to adapt; to take any situation and turn it to my advantage and to identify (under pressure) the best ways to communicate, lead and persevere through adversity. Balancing football, debate team, the fraternity, and school instilled great time management skills which I now employ in my day to day life as a college graduate.
My time and effort I invested at NAU brought me more than just a degree, I truly gained an education, as well as an understanding of how to learn, and succeed.

I will bring these collective experiences and leadership qualities I have developed to the Navy. My drive and goal-oriented attitude will enable me and the sailors I will lead, to “rise to the occasion” and be successful. When a task is difficult, I will not shy from it, but will embrace it and accomplish it. I bring with me a respect for honor, courage, and commitment, which is expected in every officer. I will strive to surpass expectations. Doing what is expected is only part of the task; in order to be successful and advance as a career officer I know I will need to distinguish myself and go “above and beyond” in all endeavors. I will bring an unwavering sense of commitment, to god, country, Navy, crew, family and friends. I will work to not only better myself but better the Navy that I love.

As an officer my leadership qualities and experiences will exemplify the “whole person” ideal sought by the US Navy. I believe I can be a leader of sailors, both on the flight line and on the ship’s bridge. The thought of rocketing off the deck of a carrier or cruising at low level in a helicopter inspires me to no bounds. I understand that gaining a commission as a Naval Officer will not be easy. But, I recognize that the responsibility of leading sailors and representing the United States is an even greater task. It is a task that I am committed to with all of my mind, body, and soul. I look forward to learning more every day as an officer and to the experience I will gain on my first sea tour. I am physically and mentally fit and driven to succeed. My course is laid in. I will not deviate from the goal of becoming an officer in the US Navy. Standing on the deck of a warship as a US Navy officer will be a dream come true and a calling worthy of my fullest commitment.

 

[villanelle]

I think you need a good, thorough edit. If this isn't your forte, ask a teacher to work on it with you.

Putting together my motivational statement and wanted to get some of your thoughts. Any suggestions and criticisms would be much appreciated. Thanks Guys.

To serve one's country is the highest calling. It is my lifelong goal ("Is my life ling goal" says that this your only lifelong goal. I'd say that it has been a lifelong goal.]to become a US Navy officer [Someone here can confirm the jargon for me, but I believe "Navy" is a noun and what you want here is an adjective--"Naval". But do a jargon check with those more in the know--aka most AW members], in keeping with my core [Do you mean keeping with your core as one thing on the list? Or keeping with your core strengths, core conictions, and core values? I think you mean the latter, since the former doesn't really make sense, in which case you need to remove the comma after "core"], strengths, convictions and values. I aspire to something more than a job or a career; I want a calling. I want to inspire those around me and to be something more than one man. [This last phrase is kind of a mess. First, I'd be careful about using the masculine. Second, it is a crazy mess of plural and singular. You've said you want to inspire many people to be more than one person. Does that statement make sense to you? I think what you means it that you want to inspire them to be a part of something larger than themselves. That too is a platitude, so I'd tinker a lot with this and think hard on what you truly want to say.]

I have wanted to be a naval officer since the time I was a small child ["small child' is unnecessarly wordy. Just "child" is okay, or better would be "since I was young"], when my father would take me ["would", or the modal auxillary form, is weird. He took you. He didn't "would take you". Say it that way.]to air shows, and we built model airplanes and ships together. Since that time I have wanted nothing more than to serve my country. Every year I would come to San Diego,[delete comma] and watch aircraft fly from North Island for hours. I knew from that point on that my dreams lay in service to my country (I'd retool this so the structure is less awkward, but as written ""specifically at see" is an interruption, essentially, and should be offset by dashes before and after] specifically at sea, on the grey ships cruising the sea or on one of the aircraft taking to the skies [You either want to say "one of the ships or aircraft" or, "on the grey ships... or the aircraft. The structure of the two should match.]. The Navy always felt like my place, between the majesty of ships as large as the empire state building sliding across San Diego bay, to the roar and raw power of a jet engine. [The Empire State Building--which is a proper noun, BTW--metaphor is really awkward. Get rid of it.]

I am going to stop there with the line edits.

This calling began to manifest in my character when I was 11 years old. My youth pastor was a retired Navy helicopter pilot. Early-on he taught me the value of true leadership. A leader inspires others to greatness; he places others before himself and raises them up; he is honorable and truthful in word and deed, and committed to his ideals and beliefs. A leader shows courage; not in the absence of fear, but in standing firm and persevering despite fear. Based on this definition of leadership, I knew that if that is what a naval officer represented, then that was what I wanted to be.
In the Boy Scouts I practiced leadership on my path to Eagle Scout and was exposed to honor and duty. I served as senior patrol leader, troop guide, and at the same time was troop chaplain. Through these positions I gained a greater sense of commitment to ones duties. For my eagle project I rebuilt the irrigation system, built planters and planted landscaping around the field and in my high school stadium. This involved organizing and leading 400 volunteers, ranging from teammates and students, to teachers and community volunteers, and even the mayor helped! The project also involved the soliciting and accounting for donations and from businesses and the community, in order to carry out the project. This taught me another lesson; not to be afraid to ask for help when needed and the power of a strong community.

I took the lessons of scouting to heart as team captain on my football and track teams in high school. I learned that through hard work and leading by example I could better myself as well as those around me. Through effective leadership and teamwork we made it to the division championship, including a 10-1 regular season and the first ever shutout of our biggest rival. As the ranking senior sprinter on the track team, I led our 4x100 relay team to the southern sectional meet and competed individually in open 400 meter at the state championship.

Following my belief in public service as a greater calling, at university I pursued the study of politics. Education in the extended major of American Political Studies (BS) provided the opportunity to expand my education beyond the political arena and to look at my field from a broad perspective. In my studies at Northern Arizona University I was able to hone my critical thinking and analysis skills in topics such as, US history, Eastern European politics, military theory, game theory, globalization, economic theory, legal studies, foreign policy, and Middle Eastern politics, to name a few. I learned how to be an effective communicator and the value of going “all out” and to take advantage of every opportunity. From participating in model UN, to helping a professor as a research aid, every experience taught me something about myself, and how to be a more effective student and leader.

I further learned what it meant to a leader a d manager of men. As Phi Delta Theta fraternity’s intramural chair for three years, we won numerous sports championships, and I served as chaplain, thereby acting as a counselor and moderator. If a brother needed someone to talk to, my door was always open. My time with the chapter taught me that,” one man is no man.” A leader is nothing without those supporting him and those that came before him.
As a member of NAU’s football team I distinguished myself as a friend, teammate, competitor, and leader. Though my first season was cut short by an ACL tear it was a great learning experience and further aided my development my drive to overcome challenges, and to achieve my goals. On the debate team I proved to myself and my peers that I have a sharp intellect, wit, and am mentally strong. Debate also taught me to adapt; to take any situation and turn it to my advantage and to identify (under pressure) the best ways to communicate, lead and persevere through adversity. Balancing football, debate team, the fraternity, and school instilled great time management skills which I now employ in my day to day life as a college graduate.
My time and effort I invested at NAU brought me more than just a degree, I truly gained an education, as well as an understanding of how to learn, and succeed.

I will bring these collective experiences and leadership qualities I have developed to the Navy. My drive and goal-oriented attitude will enable me and the sailors I will lead, to “rise to the occasion” and be successful. When a task is difficult, I will not shy from it, but will embrace it and accomplish it. I bring with me a respect for honor, courage, and commitment, which is expected in every officer. I will strive to surpass expectations. Doing what is expected is only part of the task; in order to be successful and advance as a career officer I know I will need to distinguish myself and go “above and beyond” in all endeavors. I will bring an unwavering sense of commitment, to god, country, Navy, crew, family and friends. I will work to not only better myself but better the Navy that I love.

As an officer my leadership qualities and experiences will exemplify the “whole person” ideal sought by the US Navy. I believe I can be a leader of sailors, both on the flight line and on the ship’s bridge. The thought of rocketing off the deck of a carrier or cruising at low level in a helicopter inspires me to no bounds. I understand that gaining a commission as a Naval Officer will not be easy. But, I recognize that the responsibility of leading sailors and representing the United States is an even greater task. It is a task that I am committed to with all of my mind, body, and soul. I look forward to learning more every day as an officer and to the experience I will gain on my first sea tour. I am physically and mentally fit and driven to succeed. My course is laid in. I will not deviate from the goal of becoming an officer in the US Navy. Standing on the deck of a warship as a US Navy officer will be a dream come true and a calling worthy of my fullest commitment.

 

[mataron]

Hi everyone, I would appreciate any feedback/criticism. Thank you.

As a child, I did not have the good fortune of meeting my grandfather who honorably served in the U.S. military and gave the ultimate sacrifice. I would have loved to hear him recount his flying experiences because I am striving to follow in his footsteps and become a naval aviator.

A love for flying is just one of many reasons why I am seeking a commission in the Navy. A career in the Navy brings a wide variety of challenges—academic, physical, and mental. As a UC Berkeley graduate with a proven track record of academic excellence, participant in athletics since I was a young child, and individual who has a strong work ethic and strives for self-improvement, I welcome those challenges. I learned how important having a strong work ethic is during my jobs in high school. I got my first job to pay for my first car and earn some money, and with that job, I learned that hard work leads to respect, advancement, and job satisfaction. I learned that—to get ahead in life—hard work is necessary.

I highly respect those who are in charge of the Navy, since I believe they are not only leaders, but selfless leaders. They put their country first, and it is that selfless attitude that makes the Navy so great and powerful. I wish to become a part of the Navy's leadership, and with being a regular blood donor and having volunteered to help low-income people complete their tax returns, I believe I have the selfless quality that the Navy's leaders possess. My leadership experiences include forming and being the captain of an intramural soccer team and serving as the Brotherhood chair for my college fraternity.

In conclusion, I desire to carry on my grandfather's honorable legacy, pursue my passion for aviation, and ultimately commit to being a commissioned officer to lead the selfless, courageous men and women who serve in the United States Navy.

 

[m26]

A career in the Navy brings a wide variety of challenges—academic, physical, and mental.

Pretty sure this should be a colon.

As a UC Berkeley graduate with a proven track record of academic excellence, participant in athletics since I was a young child, and individual who has a strong work ethic and strives for self-improvement, I welcome those challenges.

Should be "a participant" and "an individual."

I learned that—to get ahead in life—hard work is necessary.

The dashes are unnecessary.

I highly respect those who are in charge of the Navy, since I believe they are not only leaders, but selfless leaders. They put their country first, and it is that selfless attitude that makes the Navy so great and powerful.

I've been gone a while so I don't want to say too much (ask yakboy), but I don't like this.

I wish to become a part of the Navy's leadership, and with being a regular blood donor and having volunteered to help low-income people complete their tax returns, I believe I have the selfless quality that the Navy's leaders possess.

Your point is probably fine. This is not a good way to express it. Edited into (at least) two sentences will look better. I would advise you to rewrite this from scratch.

 

[yakboyslim]

I highly respect those who are in charge of the Navy, since I believe they are not only leaders, but selfless leaders. They put their country first, and it is that selfless attitude that makes the Navy so great and powerful. I wish to become a part of the Navy's leadership, and with being a regular blood donor and having volunteered to help low-income people complete their tax returns, I believe I have the selfless quality that the Navy's leaders possess. My leadership experiences include forming and being the captain of an intramural soccer team and serving as the Brotherhood chair for my college fraternity.

Something about this statement rubs me the wrong way too. I can't pin down exactly what though. When I first read it I didn't like it, but then when I reread it all I picked up was appropriate respect. So I don't know, maybe get some more opinions and work on rewording.

I would change "in charge of the Navy" to something else, not for any technical reason but just because I think SECNAV or Pentagon level when I read it.

All of your experience that you list is valid and good to have in your moti statement, just not in the same sentence as "the selfless quality that the Navy's leaders possess." When I hear "selfless" I think Medal of Honor, Purple Heart, etc. Not tax returns. Your volunteering is good, and should absolutely be in there, but it feels wrong inside that sentence.

 

[villanelle]

I agree. The red statement seems a little over-the top. Because it is so profuse, it comes off as a little ass-kissy and potentially disingenuous, I think.

And the green is a little weird. Besides the fact that equating giving blood to a lifetime of service to one's country is a little odd (lacking a sense of scale), it's just a weird segue. If respect for Naval leaders is something you admire, I'd include that, but not try to then put yourself on that same pedestal. And rather than listing your philanthropic endeavors and using that as proof that you are selfless, maybe you could list them as examples of leadership, add then say something about how you feel that leadership and dedication to something greater than yourself (which is a more palatable, modest way of saying you are selfless) will serve you well as a Naval officer.

 

[jumpshot12]

anyone willing to read my draft?