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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
It needs some work, basically they can see where you have worked, you don't need to say what awards your family has earned.
IW and INTEL are closed, SWO is open, your GPA is going to be the main factor. The next SWO board is going to be much more competitive, a simple ASTB retake may not be what it takes.
JoshuatheGreat
New Member
Hi Guys,
Below is my JAG motivational statement. Still in rough draft stage, so I appreciate all comments, however harsh. I'm open to a total rewrite as well.
My parents and teachers worked hard to ensure that altruism was instilled in me from a very young age. My family and those teachers helped me to build a value system which guides me to this day, and taught me to always seek out ways to help others. However, one thing that I had to learn for myself was self-discipline.
Self-discipline is what brought me from being a high school student who put forth the minimum effort to being a year away from graduating simultaneously with a J.D. and a M.S., and to being the first student at Loyola Law School to graduate with three out of their five specialty programs. Self-discipline is what brought me from severe obesity as a 305 pound high school senior to a committed Navy applicant who is able to score Excellent or Outstanding on every aspect of the Physical Fitness Requirements. Self-discipline is what allowed me to spend hundreds of hours this year learning Spanish so that I would have another skill to bring to the Navy.
However, I was not always this motivated or disciplined. When I was in elementary school my mother focused intensely on my education, and I found that I did not have to apply myself to excel. Combined with my parents’ lack of focus on discipline or work ethic, this meant that I formed an unconcerned attitude towards many aspects of my life. After passing the 300 pound mark I began to find self-discipline, but only regarding some aspects of my life. It was the realization that only through hard work would I be able to earn the experience that would allow me to truly help people which really motivated me and changed my life.
Self-discipline, my strong sense of altruism, and the strong work ethic I have acquired are what have allowed me to spend so much of my time volunteering. Not only did I gain valuable experience, but I achieved the happiness and pride that I feel every time I know that I am truly helping someone.
That feeling and those values are what led me to the Navy JAG corps. I have always wanted to join the Navy, and I was preparing to apply to the Navy as an Officer before law school, but was dissuaded by a friend who was an officer in the army before he went to law school who said I should wait until after Law School. That experience has only strengthened my desire and determination to join the Navy. The Navy offers a unique experience to help others while serving my country, and I hope to be able to dedicate my life to such an honorable institution.
Below is my JAG motivational statement. Still in rough draft stage, so I appreciate all comments, however harsh. I'm open to a total rewrite as well.
My parents and teachers worked hard to ensure that altruism was instilled in me from a very young age. My family and those teachers helped me to build a value system which guides me to this day, and taught me to always seek out ways to help others. However, one thing that I had to learn for myself was self-discipline.
Self-discipline is what brought me from being a high school student who put forth the minimum effort to being a year away from graduating simultaneously with a J.D. and a M.S., and to being the first student at Loyola Law School to graduate with three out of their five specialty programs. Self-discipline is what brought me from severe obesity as a 305 pound high school senior to a committed Navy applicant who is able to score Excellent or Outstanding on every aspect of the Physical Fitness Requirements. Self-discipline is what allowed me to spend hundreds of hours this year learning Spanish so that I would have another skill to bring to the Navy.
However, I was not always this motivated or disciplined. When I was in elementary school my mother focused intensely on my education, and I found that I did not have to apply myself to excel. Combined with my parents’ lack of focus on discipline or work ethic, this meant that I formed an unconcerned attitude towards many aspects of my life. After passing the 300 pound mark I began to find self-discipline, but only regarding some aspects of my life. It was the realization that only through hard work would I be able to earn the experience that would allow me to truly help people which really motivated me and changed my life.
Self-discipline, my strong sense of altruism, and the strong work ethic I have acquired are what have allowed me to spend so much of my time volunteering. Not only did I gain valuable experience, but I achieved the happiness and pride that I feel every time I know that I am truly helping someone.
That feeling and those values are what led me to the Navy JAG corps. I have always wanted to join the Navy, and I was preparing to apply to the Navy as an Officer before law school, but was dissuaded by a friend who was an officer in the army before he went to law school who said I should wait until after Law School. That experience has only strengthened my desire and determination to join the Navy. The Navy offers a unique experience to help others while serving my country, and I hope to be able to dedicate my life to such an honorable institution.
Altruism isn't instilled. That's like saying "happiness was instilled". The instilled in you the importance of altruism. They worked hard to make sure that you appreciated/valued altruism.
They helped you build. Not "to build". The "to" is unnecessary. "Taught me to always seek out ways to help others" is a little hyperbolic. Do you really *always* seek that out? I suspect not. Try "whenever possible" at the end, or just ditch the always.
Comma between "minimum effort" and "to being a year away".
Is the official name "Loyola Law School"? I don't know, but precedent and google suggest to me that it is the Loyola School of Law (or School of Law, Loyola). I also find it weird that you laud your 3 of 5 programs accomplishment, without telling the read with your 3 specialties are. Telling us you are the firs tto do it is great as it gives the context of the scale of your accomplishment, but you might also tell is a little more specifically what your accomplishment was. It may not be relevant and if you are butting up against a word limit then it might be something to cut out, but otherwise, it seems incomplete when you tell us that you did something amazing!, and then only vaguely tell us what it was.
The bit about your parents lack of focus on discipline and work ethic comes off as a bit of a complaint. I'd work to reword that a bit so there is in no way the suggestion that you are complaining about mom and dad not giving you these things. "Growing up on a household where discipline and work ethic were not stressed, I formed an unconcerned attitude...". Also, "unconcerned attitude toward many aspects of life" is a bit awkward and over-written. Play with that language a bit.
Comma between "pound mark" and "I began".
The "which" in "help people which really" should be a "that", instead. And that sentence is pretty cumbersome so it could use a rewite as well. For starters, instead of, "It was X that caused Y", get rid of the "it was". "X caused Y" says the same thing but gets rid of a few words in an already long and overly complex sentence. But better you scrap the entire sentence and start from scratch.
You mention the volunteering but don't tell us what you did. We don't need your volunteer calendar, but something telling us that you provided free legal assistance while at Loyola and spent your free time reading to deaf people seems appropriate.
First sentence of that last paragraph is way to long. And I'm also not sure that "dissuaded by a friend" shows much of a commitment and drive for this. Instead, perhaps you can insert something about how you instead decided to pursue your love and passion for the law, with the hopes that you could someday marry that passion with your desire to serve you country. That sounds a little better than, "I didn't join the Navy because some guy told me not to".
Overall, I think it lacks some focus. You seem to have narrowed it down to discipline and altruism, which is a good place to start, but the writing itself sort of wanders. Focus a bit more on what those terms mean to you, why they are important, and in what ways you've applied those values to your life.
They helped you build. Not "to build". The "to" is unnecessary. "Taught me to always seek out ways to help others" is a little hyperbolic. Do you really *always* seek that out? I suspect not. Try "whenever possible" at the end, or just ditch the always.
Comma between "minimum effort" and "to being a year away".
Is the official name "Loyola Law School"? I don't know, but precedent and google suggest to me that it is the Loyola School of Law (or School of Law, Loyola). I also find it weird that you laud your 3 of 5 programs accomplishment, without telling the read with your 3 specialties are. Telling us you are the firs tto do it is great as it gives the context of the scale of your accomplishment, but you might also tell is a little more specifically what your accomplishment was. It may not be relevant and if you are butting up against a word limit then it might be something to cut out, but otherwise, it seems incomplete when you tell us that you did something amazing!, and then only vaguely tell us what it was.
The bit about your parents lack of focus on discipline and work ethic comes off as a bit of a complaint. I'd work to reword that a bit so there is in no way the suggestion that you are complaining about mom and dad not giving you these things. "Growing up on a household where discipline and work ethic were not stressed, I formed an unconcerned attitude...". Also, "unconcerned attitude toward many aspects of life" is a bit awkward and over-written. Play with that language a bit.
Comma between "pound mark" and "I began".
The "which" in "help people which really" should be a "that", instead. And that sentence is pretty cumbersome so it could use a rewite as well. For starters, instead of, "It was X that caused Y", get rid of the "it was". "X caused Y" says the same thing but gets rid of a few words in an already long and overly complex sentence. But better you scrap the entire sentence and start from scratch.
You mention the volunteering but don't tell us what you did. We don't need your volunteer calendar, but something telling us that you provided free legal assistance while at Loyola and spent your free time reading to deaf people seems appropriate.
First sentence of that last paragraph is way to long. And I'm also not sure that "dissuaded by a friend" shows much of a commitment and drive for this. Instead, perhaps you can insert something about how you instead decided to pursue your love and passion for the law, with the hopes that you could someday marry that passion with your desire to serve you country. That sounds a little better than, "I didn't join the Navy because some guy told me not to".
Overall, I think it lacks some focus. You seem to have narrowed it down to discipline and altruism, which is a good place to start, but the writing itself sort of wanders. Focus a bit more on what those terms mean to you, why they are important, and in what ways you've applied those values to your life.
JoshuatheGreat
New Member
Thank you very much for the comments. I'll rewrite it tonight. As I said it was a rough draft, and I don't expect it to look the same when I'm done as it does above. I know a lot of these letters include why the applicant always wanted to be in the service, and I was trying to focus more on why I was a good fit for the service/what I would bring. What do you think about that?
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
I would talk about the hard work you had to do in law school, and I hope you have a kick ass GPA since the last panel member I spoke to said the candidates they interviewed has 3.7+ GPA's
eddieoctane
Member
Hey guys. I am trying to wrap up my motivational statement and was wondering if you all would take a look and tell me what you think.
----
I have always enjoyed the rights and freedoms that come with being a citizen of the United States. In my youth, however, I took my freedom for granted. I felt safe in the knowledge that the United States has the best trained, best equipped, and most professional armed forces in the world. The systems of checks and balances placed upon government power by the founding fathers caused me to assume that the liberties I enjoy as an American were a fact of life, something that more people worldwide had the benefit of than not. As I grew up, however, I learned just how unique the rights and freedoms I enjoyed every day are. In seeing how basic human rights are so readily violated around the world, I developed a deep sense of a responsibility not just to help safeguard American liberties for future generations, but to help those of other nations attain their freedom as well. It is primarily for this reason that I decided to seek a commission as an officer in the US Navy.
My decision to pursue a career in the Navy goes beyond my desire to serve. As a child, I was always fascinated with technology, especially that of the Navy. As a boy, my father took me to see the USS Becuna at Penn's Landing, Philadelphia. I remember being in awe of the boat. Even for a half-century old submarine, it still seemed like a technological marvel to me. From the locking mechanisms on the hatches to the myriad valves attached to the torpedo tubes, I was enthralled by the complicated machinery aboard the Becuna. A few years later, I viewed Top Gun for the first time. I was again taken back by the impressive machines of the US Navy. Witnessing the Blue Angels fly during air shows at the former NAS-JRB Willow Grove only cemented my amazement with naval technology and aviation. I knew that if I was ever to serve in the armed forces, I would want to do so as as a Naval officer.
For my thirteenth birthday, my father arranged for me to take a ride on a small airplane. Never before had I felt so free. While my father was working to attain his private pilot license, I took every opportunity to ride along with him and his instructor. It was from these experiences that I formed my desire to one day become a pilot myself. Given the Navy's technological advancement and the frequency with which it is called upon to both defend the United States and support the freedoms of other peoples, a career as a Naval Aviator would fulfill my dream of flying, serving my county, and working with advanced technology on a daily basis.
I come from a large family with a proud history of military service. Since World War II, members of my family have served in all the branches of the armed services at different times. Both of my grandfathers served during the Korean War, one in the Coast Guard and one in the Army Reserve. My uncle was a Marine. I have many cousins who are either retired or still active officers in the Army, Air Force, and Navy. My father is a Lieutenant Commander in the Public Health Service. Military service runs in my blood, and it would be an honor and a privilege to be permitted to carry on my family's tradition of service as a Naval Aviator.
----
I have always enjoyed the rights and freedoms that come with being a citizen of the United States. In my youth, however, I took my freedom for granted. I felt safe in the knowledge that the United States has the best trained, best equipped, and most professional armed forces in the world. The systems of checks and balances placed upon government power by the founding fathers caused me to assume that the liberties I enjoy as an American were a fact of life, something that more people worldwide had the benefit of than not. As I grew up, however, I learned just how unique the rights and freedoms I enjoyed every day are. In seeing how basic human rights are so readily violated around the world, I developed a deep sense of a responsibility not just to help safeguard American liberties for future generations, but to help those of other nations attain their freedom as well. It is primarily for this reason that I decided to seek a commission as an officer in the US Navy.
My decision to pursue a career in the Navy goes beyond my desire to serve. As a child, I was always fascinated with technology, especially that of the Navy. As a boy, my father took me to see the USS Becuna at Penn's Landing, Philadelphia. I remember being in awe of the boat. Even for a half-century old submarine, it still seemed like a technological marvel to me. From the locking mechanisms on the hatches to the myriad valves attached to the torpedo tubes, I was enthralled by the complicated machinery aboard the Becuna. A few years later, I viewed Top Gun for the first time. I was again taken back by the impressive machines of the US Navy. Witnessing the Blue Angels fly during air shows at the former NAS-JRB Willow Grove only cemented my amazement with naval technology and aviation. I knew that if I was ever to serve in the armed forces, I would want to do so as as a Naval officer.
For my thirteenth birthday, my father arranged for me to take a ride on a small airplane. Never before had I felt so free. While my father was working to attain his private pilot license, I took every opportunity to ride along with him and his instructor. It was from these experiences that I formed my desire to one day become a pilot myself. Given the Navy's technological advancement and the frequency with which it is called upon to both defend the United States and support the freedoms of other peoples, a career as a Naval Aviator would fulfill my dream of flying, serving my county, and working with advanced technology on a daily basis.
I come from a large family with a proud history of military service. Since World War II, members of my family have served in all the branches of the armed services at different times. Both of my grandfathers served during the Korean War, one in the Coast Guard and one in the Army Reserve. My uncle was a Marine. I have many cousins who are either retired or still active officers in the Army, Air Force, and Navy. My father is a Lieutenant Commander in the Public Health Service. Military service runs in my blood, and it would be an honor and a privilege to be permitted to carry on my family's tradition of service as a Naval Aviator.
Kenyatta Hawkins
Kekefaith
Hello,
I was wondering if someone could please look at my motivational statement. I’ve been working on it for a while, but it still feels weak. Any thoughts will help. Thank you in advance!
A great leader aspires to do more than simply accomplish one’s objective. Until I received my Bachelor’s degree, I did not recognize how valuable the “more” could be. Achieving my Bachelor’s degree was one of my greatest accomplishments, as well as one of my greatest challenges. Beginning with very little financial support made the possible feel nearly impossible. Despite adversity, multiple trials, and shortcomings, I refused to give up.
Currently educated with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Administration, two Associate degrees and gainfully employed, I seek more. I have always had an aspiration to be a change agent, defend freedom, stand up for what is right and protect the general public. I strongly desire a career that maximizes my talent, challenges me to reach my full potential, promotes personal growth, and allows me to serve the country I love. My motivation for becoming a Naval Officer is the unmatched value it places upon its people and the development opportunities it offers. Discipline, physical conditioning, and professionalism makes the Navy much more unique than other occupations.
While working and attending college, I participated in a great range of extra-curricular activities. Taking part in University of Nevada, Las Vegas’ Rebel Service Council awarded me with invaluable organizational skills, exceptional public communication skills, and a prestigious internship. Moreover, it allowed me to be apart of something greater than myself. I was able to promote civic engagement and share positive social experiences with UNLV students, faculty, and staff. I facilitated collaboration through DASH, Delivering and Servicing Hope to the hungry and homeless population. My enthusiasm and compassion enables me to work well in teams, motivate others, and create a fun and supportive team environment. My openness to others’ input allows me to develop a broader perspective for analyzing problems and develop more thorough solutions. Today, I continue to develop my leadership skills in DASH, where I continue to address the problems of hunger and poverty by providing food and solutions to help the homeless community. I am passionate about providing outlets for education, growth, and community involvement through service learning initiatives.
I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly I have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Through my experiences, I have learned that the greatest challenges often yield the greatest rewards. I can think of no greater challenge and no finer reward than to be selected as a Naval Officer. I am confident that I possess the leadership skills, qualities, and attitude necessary to make a positive impact on those around me. The Navy’s mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, or keeping the world’s waterways safe for commerce are all missions in which I would be proud to be apart. As an Officer, I vow to uphold the Navy core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment on a more profound scale. As a natural leader, I vow to do my best to instill these values in others around me. I aspire to exceed this objective. It would be both a honor and a privilege to serve my country, as a Naval Officer, in the United States Navy. Thank you for your consideration.
I was wondering if someone could please look at my motivational statement. I’ve been working on it for a while, but it still feels weak. Any thoughts will help. Thank you in advance!
A great leader aspires to do more than simply accomplish one’s objective. Until I received my Bachelor’s degree, I did not recognize how valuable the “more” could be. Achieving my Bachelor’s degree was one of my greatest accomplishments, as well as one of my greatest challenges. Beginning with very little financial support made the possible feel nearly impossible. Despite adversity, multiple trials, and shortcomings, I refused to give up.
Currently educated with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Administration, two Associate degrees and gainfully employed, I seek more. I have always had an aspiration to be a change agent, defend freedom, stand up for what is right and protect the general public. I strongly desire a career that maximizes my talent, challenges me to reach my full potential, promotes personal growth, and allows me to serve the country I love. My motivation for becoming a Naval Officer is the unmatched value it places upon its people and the development opportunities it offers. Discipline, physical conditioning, and professionalism makes the Navy much more unique than other occupations.
While working and attending college, I participated in a great range of extra-curricular activities. Taking part in University of Nevada, Las Vegas’ Rebel Service Council awarded me with invaluable organizational skills, exceptional public communication skills, and a prestigious internship. Moreover, it allowed me to be apart of something greater than myself. I was able to promote civic engagement and share positive social experiences with UNLV students, faculty, and staff. I facilitated collaboration through DASH, Delivering and Servicing Hope to the hungry and homeless population. My enthusiasm and compassion enables me to work well in teams, motivate others, and create a fun and supportive team environment. My openness to others’ input allows me to develop a broader perspective for analyzing problems and develop more thorough solutions. Today, I continue to develop my leadership skills in DASH, where I continue to address the problems of hunger and poverty by providing food and solutions to help the homeless community. I am passionate about providing outlets for education, growth, and community involvement through service learning initiatives.
I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly I have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Through my experiences, I have learned that the greatest challenges often yield the greatest rewards. I can think of no greater challenge and no finer reward than to be selected as a Naval Officer. I am confident that I possess the leadership skills, qualities, and attitude necessary to make a positive impact on those around me. The Navy’s mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, or keeping the world’s waterways safe for commerce are all missions in which I would be proud to be apart. As an Officer, I vow to uphold the Navy core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment on a more profound scale. As a natural leader, I vow to do my best to instill these values in others around me. I aspire to exceed this objective. It would be both a honor and a privilege to serve my country, as a Naval Officer, in the United States Navy. Thank you for your consideration.
Kenyatta Hawkins
Kekefaith
Quick question: What does PM mean and how do you go about it? Is it another way for someone to inbox you? I see it referenced throughout the threads, but I'm unsure what it is defined as. Thanks
Click on the person's name (in blue) and there is an option to "start a conversation". The old software called it a private message, but conversation is the new PM.
grekev0520
New Member
Here's what I've got. Let me know what you think. Also, I have seen a lot about a 400 word limit on here but only see a a requirement that I keep it to the visible area on the actual application. Anybody want to provide some clarity on this as well?
Many of my formative years were spent as a member of Boy Scouts of America. During this time the Scout Oath and Law, which detail a number of qualities to live by and feature tenets such as duty to country, were instilled in me on my path to Eagle Scout. After leaving home and attending college I joined Sigma Nu Fraternity. Sigma Nu is built upon a military tradition and in my time as a member I learned the importance of hierarchy. From my experience holding a number of different leadership positions I understand the importance of being both able to lead as well as follow. The most influential of these leadership positions in my development was certainly Pledge Marshall. In this role I was formally tasked with creating and maintaining an education program for candidates, insuring that candidates upheld chapter expectations for both academic and extracurricular, and maintaining communication between the candidates and the chapter. Much more so than the Eagle Project, serving as Pledge Marshall taught me how to lead a group of individuals and transform them into a functioning team.
Moving on from these experiences, I hope to join the Navy as an intelligence officer where I will do my best to embody the three core values of the Navy. Living a life of honor, courage and commitment is something which should come easily given my background.
While the core values of the Navy are what set it apart from other military branches, it is the technical side of the intelligence community that attracts me. While earning two degrees at Presbyterian College I took classes such as American Foreign Policy and International Political Economy in an attempt to better understand why and how countries influence each other, in addition to acquiring a minor in Chinese Studies. I have tried to supplement these academic courses with real world knowledge through travel, to thirteen different countries, as well interning , with Plaid Cymru in British Parliament.
In school I tried to challenge myself by taking extra classes and earning two degrees in four years, outside of school I push myself through participation in triathlons and underwater hockey. I understand that serving as an officer in the Navy will be challenging. It is this challenge combined with a meaningful line of work, consistent with the ideals I have been raised with, that most attracts me to the Navy.
Many of my formative years were spent as a member of Boy Scouts of America. During this time the Scout Oath and Law, which detail a number of qualities to live by and feature tenets such as duty to country, were instilled in me on my path to Eagle Scout. After leaving home and attending college I joined Sigma Nu Fraternity. Sigma Nu is built upon a military tradition and in my time as a member I learned the importance of hierarchy. From my experience holding a number of different leadership positions I understand the importance of being both able to lead as well as follow. The most influential of these leadership positions in my development was certainly Pledge Marshall. In this role I was formally tasked with creating and maintaining an education program for candidates, insuring that candidates upheld chapter expectations for both academic and extracurricular, and maintaining communication between the candidates and the chapter. Much more so than the Eagle Project, serving as Pledge Marshall taught me how to lead a group of individuals and transform them into a functioning team.
Moving on from these experiences, I hope to join the Navy as an intelligence officer where I will do my best to embody the three core values of the Navy. Living a life of honor, courage and commitment is something which should come easily given my background.
While the core values of the Navy are what set it apart from other military branches, it is the technical side of the intelligence community that attracts me. While earning two degrees at Presbyterian College I took classes such as American Foreign Policy and International Political Economy in an attempt to better understand why and how countries influence each other, in addition to acquiring a minor in Chinese Studies. I have tried to supplement these academic courses with real world knowledge through travel, to thirteen different countries, as well interning , with Plaid Cymru in British Parliament.
In school I tried to challenge myself by taking extra classes and earning two degrees in four years, outside of school I push myself through participation in triathlons and underwater hockey. I understand that serving as an officer in the Navy will be challenging. It is this challenge combined with a meaningful line of work, consistent with the ideals I have been raised with, that most attracts me to the Navy.
Bullfrog90
New Member
I think I this is my best rough draft so far. I know it could improve, though, and I'm not sure if I should use different examples. I know most people's statements are shorter than mine, but my directions (from the APSR) just say, "Applicant's Motivational Statement (Limited to the visable area)." Mine only takes up about half. Let me know what you think, and thanks in advance!
Growing up in a military community, I have had many neighbors, friends, and family members in the Navy who I continue to admire greatly for their service. From a young age, I was fascinated by the training and camaraderie I saw every time I went on base and wished to be a part of what I witnessed. As I grew older, I realized I possess many of the same traits as successful Navy Officers, including being diligent, a good communicator, and a natural leader.
I wish to join the Civil Engineer Corps, so I have to work hard not only to become an officer in the Navy but also to complete a challenging major. To succeed in civil engineering, I have made myself spend countless hours reviewing class notes, rereading textbooks, and repeatedly reworking problems until I have a firm understanding of the material. I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that comes with knowing my hard work helped me overcome an obstacle, such as doing well on a test after much studying. In addition to a tough curriculum, I have held at least one part time job for the majority of college while maintaining a full course load and good academic standing; I have learned to manage my time to fulfill all of the responsibilities of school and work. My strong work ethic will help me rise to the challenge of becoming an exemplary Navy Officer and would help me fulfill my duties because I would refuse to settle for anything less than my personal best.
While working as a lifeguard and swim instructor for MWR on JEB - Little Creek, I have practiced my communication skills in excess. The water park typically reaches capacity, which creates a stressful atmosphere. I must use concise, effective language to quickly convey the rules to patrons of all ages while maintaining proper surveillance of the water. Out of the guard stand, I use conflict resolution to calm disgruntled patrons and to explain why certain rules exist. For example, one slide looks like a children’s slide, but due to the steep incline of the slide, parents are not allowed to catch their children coming off this slide. Many parents do not consider the potential for injury and argue that I should make an exception just for them. Instead, I inform them of the risk and offer alternatives so nobody is upset or injured. I have learned to communicate with people of all ages, backgrounds, and ranks to resolve conflicts, which is very useful for leaders like Navy Officers as they lead and answer to diverse people.
It is my desire and natural ability to lead, however, that makes me most suitable to be a Navy Officer. I want to have high expectations placed upon me, such as leading teams to successfully complete projects that are beneficial on a large scale; I will not find an entry level position in the civilian world that would expect such responsibility from me or allow me to reach such potential. I realized I have a natural ability to lead while working at special events like the Ocean Air Show and SEAL Team Reunion, which are organized by MWR. Clean ups for these events are often disorganized with numerous groups of people all working on separate tasks. While the final goal is obvious, clean up everything from the event, the workers are often confused about the in between steps that need to be completed. At one particular air show it was getting late, and volunteers were getting frustrated with the amount of work still left to complete. I was helping two coworkers when I encountered a group of enlisted sailors standing around awaiting instruction. No special events staff was nearby, so I approached them and said which tents to break down and where to bring the various parts. At the time, I was only concerned with working as a team to complete our job in a timely manner, but looking back, it surprised me that I was able to lead a group of enlisted personnel to accomplish our task even though I was obviously younger and only a lifeguard. I knew that it is important to lead by example, so I worked alongside the sailors to demonstrate my willingness to complete our task as a team, which motivated them to help me.
For many years, I have desired to become a Navy Officer, so I have worked diligently to succeed in school and to establish a reputation as a hard worker amongst my employers. Knowing officers must communicate well, I have placed myself in positions where I could hone my ability to convey orders and instructions in often high stress environments. Furthermore, I have practiced using my natural ability to lead, to ensure I will be comfortable in such a position. I hope to be granted the privilege of leading men and women of the United States Navy and will push myself to set an ideal example at all times.
Growing up in a military community, I have had many neighbors, friends, and family members in the Navy who I continue to admire greatly for their service. From a young age, I was fascinated by the training and camaraderie I saw every time I went on base and wished to be a part of what I witnessed. As I grew older, I realized I possess many of the same traits as successful Navy Officers, including being diligent, a good communicator, and a natural leader.
I wish to join the Civil Engineer Corps, so I have to work hard not only to become an officer in the Navy but also to complete a challenging major. To succeed in civil engineering, I have made myself spend countless hours reviewing class notes, rereading textbooks, and repeatedly reworking problems until I have a firm understanding of the material. I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that comes with knowing my hard work helped me overcome an obstacle, such as doing well on a test after much studying. In addition to a tough curriculum, I have held at least one part time job for the majority of college while maintaining a full course load and good academic standing; I have learned to manage my time to fulfill all of the responsibilities of school and work. My strong work ethic will help me rise to the challenge of becoming an exemplary Navy Officer and would help me fulfill my duties because I would refuse to settle for anything less than my personal best.
While working as a lifeguard and swim instructor for MWR on JEB - Little Creek, I have practiced my communication skills in excess. The water park typically reaches capacity, which creates a stressful atmosphere. I must use concise, effective language to quickly convey the rules to patrons of all ages while maintaining proper surveillance of the water. Out of the guard stand, I use conflict resolution to calm disgruntled patrons and to explain why certain rules exist. For example, one slide looks like a children’s slide, but due to the steep incline of the slide, parents are not allowed to catch their children coming off this slide. Many parents do not consider the potential for injury and argue that I should make an exception just for them. Instead, I inform them of the risk and offer alternatives so nobody is upset or injured. I have learned to communicate with people of all ages, backgrounds, and ranks to resolve conflicts, which is very useful for leaders like Navy Officers as they lead and answer to diverse people.
It is my desire and natural ability to lead, however, that makes me most suitable to be a Navy Officer. I want to have high expectations placed upon me, such as leading teams to successfully complete projects that are beneficial on a large scale; I will not find an entry level position in the civilian world that would expect such responsibility from me or allow me to reach such potential. I realized I have a natural ability to lead while working at special events like the Ocean Air Show and SEAL Team Reunion, which are organized by MWR. Clean ups for these events are often disorganized with numerous groups of people all working on separate tasks. While the final goal is obvious, clean up everything from the event, the workers are often confused about the in between steps that need to be completed. At one particular air show it was getting late, and volunteers were getting frustrated with the amount of work still left to complete. I was helping two coworkers when I encountered a group of enlisted sailors standing around awaiting instruction. No special events staff was nearby, so I approached them and said which tents to break down and where to bring the various parts. At the time, I was only concerned with working as a team to complete our job in a timely manner, but looking back, it surprised me that I was able to lead a group of enlisted personnel to accomplish our task even though I was obviously younger and only a lifeguard. I knew that it is important to lead by example, so I worked alongside the sailors to demonstrate my willingness to complete our task as a team, which motivated them to help me.
For many years, I have desired to become a Navy Officer, so I have worked diligently to succeed in school and to establish a reputation as a hard worker amongst my employers. Knowing officers must communicate well, I have placed myself in positions where I could hone my ability to convey orders and instructions in often high stress environments. Furthermore, I have practiced using my natural ability to lead, to ensure I will be comfortable in such a position. I hope to be granted the privilege of leading men and women of the United States Navy and will push myself to set an ideal example at all times.
jms4netsec
INFOSEC/IA SME
I would like to request a review of my most recent motivation statement. Although it seems somewhat longer than I might like, it does fit within the visible space, and coveys a great deal of information I hope to be of value to the board. I realize that less can be more, but this is #6. Because I am prior service with some significant time between then and now, I refer to my experience and my academics a few times.
I believe it conveys why Navy, what the Navy offers me, what I bring to the Navy, and how. I believe I am an acceptable writer, although occasionally 'punctuation challenged'. Thank you for your time and consideration, in advance.
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Having submitted five prior applications, I've had a number of opportunities to introspectively evaluate and explain what it is that has driven me to want to be a Navy officer. Each time, I have tried to convey the deep sense of pride and dignity that I would derive from a return to a life of honorable military service. How I have spent most of my adult life, both during and following my prior enlisted service, in pursuit of achieving the standards required to even attempt this direct commission application, both academically and physically. More importantly, how I will bring over a decade and a half of professional experience and technical acumen, derived from a broad cross section of commercial industry, and more recently, multiple branches of the DoD; all complimented by multiple academic degrees, recently completed with distinguished GPAs, from NSA-endorsed programs. This application grants me the fortune of yet another opportunity to convey these points.
I come from a patriotic family with a strong military ethic, raised to believe that to serve our country in uniform is both an obligation of citizenship and an honored privilege; values hard to avoid growing up so close to Fort Knox. Many of the men in my family have distinguished themselves with honorable enlisted (and Warrant) service, and brought credit to the forces they served. However, I have always wanted something more. To raise the bar for myself, and for those who may follow me.
When I first sought to pursue a commission, I looked closely at all of the services. Because of that review, I have always felt that the Navy offered those who embraced a higher standard for themselves something more than other branches. Foremost, a storied legacy of 'Honor', 'Courage' and 'Commitment' that follows an unbroken line to its founding, predating our nation. Comparing the Navy to my first hand observations in the Air Force and those since becoming a defense contractor, I believe the Navy offers its officers unparalleled opportunities to excel and distinguish themselves. To master both trade and sea craft, to lead others and to grow as leaders; to become part of something greater than themselves. As these closely parallel the goals of my life, a naval commission has always been, without question, my first and only choice.
Much of my prior service experience remains strong with me to this day. I recall with great clarity and pride my participation in large exercises such as Team Spirit during my deployment to the 8th Tactical Fighter Squadron at Kunsan, AB (Wolfpack) in South Korea, where I contributed to the record numbers of combat (hot) refuels in support of the first squadron of F16s deployed OCONUS to the Pacific. One of my older brothers and I share a bond through the Wolfpack, as he also served in that same squadron when it was deployed to Thailand during Vietnam. I also recall with somewhat less enthusiasm gravity defueling a B52 during bleak winter nights on a windy tarmac in Kansas at McConnell AFB. While these serve as contrasts in experiences, they both demonstrate the strong identity I continue to feel with military duty. Experiences which give life to a perspective I believe will enable me to relate to those who I would guide and lead as an officer in the Navy.
While it has taken some time to achieve my education since separating, especially without the benefit of VEAP, my success was never truly in doubt. Working multiple jobs as a full time student, bouncing back from the loss of my remaining parent, learning the value of persistence and dedication to my goals enables me to stand as the only person in my family to graduate from a university in the last 50 years (2007), and the first to ever achieve a Master’s degree (2008), also garnering a prestigious induction to Upsilon Pi Epsilon, an honor society for academic excellence in computing sciences. I was privileged to be selected by my academic peers to lead both undergraduate and graduate capstone teams (5-7 person working groups) to distinction, despite significant cultural and language challenges. I was also invited to return to my alma mater as an adjunct faculty, specifically to teach 'Ethics in Information Technology' by one of my professors taking an academic sabbatical.
Because both of my degrees in advanced technologies and InfoSec disciplines were acquired in a traditional, in-classroom setting, I worked and studied along side a culturally diverse array of young men and women often of more traditional accession ages on a daily basis for five years. This prompted a couple of the senior officers who interviewed me to suggest that experience likely provided me with some unique insights into the culture and ideologies of those who I might likely be working alongside as a junior officer, or possibly leading as enlisted men and women. They uniformly expressed the sentiment that experience might make me a potentially unique asset to the commander of any wardroom in which I might serve.
It has long been my hope that I would be able to leverage my commercial and defense experience, degrees and DoDI 8570.1 certifications within the IDC community. As a cleared defense contractor, I've been privileged to work alongside active and reserve members of the Navy's IDC, and would be humbled to call them my peers.
Granting me a Navy commission will permit me to follow the Navy path to a life of distinction and leadership. One of honored service, and honorable duty, defending both my country and my fellow countryman.
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I believe it conveys why Navy, what the Navy offers me, what I bring to the Navy, and how. I believe I am an acceptable writer, although occasionally 'punctuation challenged'. Thank you for your time and consideration, in advance.
--
Having submitted five prior applications, I've had a number of opportunities to introspectively evaluate and explain what it is that has driven me to want to be a Navy officer. Each time, I have tried to convey the deep sense of pride and dignity that I would derive from a return to a life of honorable military service. How I have spent most of my adult life, both during and following my prior enlisted service, in pursuit of achieving the standards required to even attempt this direct commission application, both academically and physically. More importantly, how I will bring over a decade and a half of professional experience and technical acumen, derived from a broad cross section of commercial industry, and more recently, multiple branches of the DoD; all complimented by multiple academic degrees, recently completed with distinguished GPAs, from NSA-endorsed programs. This application grants me the fortune of yet another opportunity to convey these points.
I come from a patriotic family with a strong military ethic, raised to believe that to serve our country in uniform is both an obligation of citizenship and an honored privilege; values hard to avoid growing up so close to Fort Knox. Many of the men in my family have distinguished themselves with honorable enlisted (and Warrant) service, and brought credit to the forces they served. However, I have always wanted something more. To raise the bar for myself, and for those who may follow me.
When I first sought to pursue a commission, I looked closely at all of the services. Because of that review, I have always felt that the Navy offered those who embraced a higher standard for themselves something more than other branches. Foremost, a storied legacy of 'Honor', 'Courage' and 'Commitment' that follows an unbroken line to its founding, predating our nation. Comparing the Navy to my first hand observations in the Air Force and those since becoming a defense contractor, I believe the Navy offers its officers unparalleled opportunities to excel and distinguish themselves. To master both trade and sea craft, to lead others and to grow as leaders; to become part of something greater than themselves. As these closely parallel the goals of my life, a naval commission has always been, without question, my first and only choice.
Much of my prior service experience remains strong with me to this day. I recall with great clarity and pride my participation in large exercises such as Team Spirit during my deployment to the 8th Tactical Fighter Squadron at Kunsan, AB (Wolfpack) in South Korea, where I contributed to the record numbers of combat (hot) refuels in support of the first squadron of F16s deployed OCONUS to the Pacific. One of my older brothers and I share a bond through the Wolfpack, as he also served in that same squadron when it was deployed to Thailand during Vietnam. I also recall with somewhat less enthusiasm gravity defueling a B52 during bleak winter nights on a windy tarmac in Kansas at McConnell AFB. While these serve as contrasts in experiences, they both demonstrate the strong identity I continue to feel with military duty. Experiences which give life to a perspective I believe will enable me to relate to those who I would guide and lead as an officer in the Navy.
While it has taken some time to achieve my education since separating, especially without the benefit of VEAP, my success was never truly in doubt. Working multiple jobs as a full time student, bouncing back from the loss of my remaining parent, learning the value of persistence and dedication to my goals enables me to stand as the only person in my family to graduate from a university in the last 50 years (2007), and the first to ever achieve a Master’s degree (2008), also garnering a prestigious induction to Upsilon Pi Epsilon, an honor society for academic excellence in computing sciences. I was privileged to be selected by my academic peers to lead both undergraduate and graduate capstone teams (5-7 person working groups) to distinction, despite significant cultural and language challenges. I was also invited to return to my alma mater as an adjunct faculty, specifically to teach 'Ethics in Information Technology' by one of my professors taking an academic sabbatical.
Because both of my degrees in advanced technologies and InfoSec disciplines were acquired in a traditional, in-classroom setting, I worked and studied along side a culturally diverse array of young men and women often of more traditional accession ages on a daily basis for five years. This prompted a couple of the senior officers who interviewed me to suggest that experience likely provided me with some unique insights into the culture and ideologies of those who I might likely be working alongside as a junior officer, or possibly leading as enlisted men and women. They uniformly expressed the sentiment that experience might make me a potentially unique asset to the commander of any wardroom in which I might serve.
It has long been my hope that I would be able to leverage my commercial and defense experience, degrees and DoDI 8570.1 certifications within the IDC community. As a cleared defense contractor, I've been privileged to work alongside active and reserve members of the Navy's IDC, and would be humbled to call them my peers.
Granting me a Navy commission will permit me to follow the Navy path to a life of distinction and leadership. One of honored service, and honorable duty, defending both my country and my fellow countryman.
---
Hello everyone, this is my first post..............
I like this thread, but it appears to be dead. However, I'll still give it a shot.
I am applying for a SNA slot. I am a 25 year old male. I passed the background check and passed through MEPS with no problems. I have 10 LORs and tons of volunteer work. I have a 3.34 GPA from UC Berkeley with a double major in Anthropology and Philosophy and graduated in Dec 2010. I scored a 53, 6/6/6. Let me know what you think my chances are!
This is a rough draft of my motivational statement.
Once I get this in, my application will be complete. However, I am clearly aware that due to budget cuts it is just a waiting game from here.
Also, is the next SNA board really in Jan 2013, or has anyone heard else wise?
Feel free to rip on me ladies and gentlemen, I can handle the heat
Here it is:
I deeply respect this country for the life that it has given me, and I am greatly appreciative of the unalienable rights that I am indebted to. These privileges have granted me the opportunity to experience the very essence of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness while conducting myself as an ambitious individual with integrity and passion in everything I do. As a proud and loyal American, I feel a profound calling to offer my service to this great nation. I plan to do so by pledging my mind, body, and soul to the United States Navy, due to the high ethical standards it upholds as an institution. As a Naval Officer, I will strive to lead with the highest degree of honor, courage, and commitment that my mental, physical, and moral capacities will allow.
My interest for Naval Aviation was sparked as a child as I attended many military air shows with my grandfather. Throughout the time spent with my grandfather, he told me stories about his service in the United States military, the sacrifices he endured throughout the Korean War, and his career with the Aerospace Corporation during the Cold War and Space Race. From these stories, I developed an understanding of what it meant to be a patriot; and, consequently, the formation of my core values took place. These values stem from my conviction that one’s selfless devotion to public service and the life-long commitment that one is willing to make for the future progress of America is what I regard as the highest good. I can state with confidence, I trust and firmly support the decisions, actions, and commitments that the United States of America executes to protect this nation and its citizens. I seek a commission in the United States Navy to satisfy my patriotic values and the moral responsibility that I feel towards this country.
I devoted my adolescent years to athletics and since then physical fitness has always been an important factor in my life. From the six years that I played football, I know what defines dedication and sacrifice as a teammate and the tenacity that is needed to step forward as a captain. From this, I live life knowing that victory is achieved by the success of a team and not the individual. As an employee, my strong work ethic coupled with my ability to multi-task, while paying close attention to detail, has never failed to render me the recognition and respect that I deserve from my colleagues and the patrons that I encounter. Given my passion for education, the success that I have achieved as a scholar is due to my patience, diligence, and the immense amount of effort that I exude for my studies. I feel that responsibility, leadership, and my ability to encourage others are three qualities that I have refined and perfected throughout my life experiences. As a mature and well-rounded adult, I embody the competence to meet, and surpass, the expectations of being a Naval Officer and Aviator if given the opportunity.
After graduating from UC Berkeley, I attended Columbia University with the intention of pursuing medical school and ultimately becoming a Naval Flight Surgeon. Throughout this process, I realized that medicine was not the right career path for me because it lacked the ability to physically challenge me. Given my intelligence and athleticism, I seek a profession that presents physical and mental rigor while fulfilling my desire to serve my country. I would be a great candidate for Naval Aviation because I am at my best while critically thinking and physically exerting myself.
I yearn to be a commissioned officer in the United States Navy because it will allow me to utilize, and maximize, the mental and physical capacities that I possess as a patriot, an intellectual, a scholar, and an athlete.
I like this thread, but it appears to be dead. However, I'll still give it a shot.
I am applying for a SNA slot. I am a 25 year old male. I passed the background check and passed through MEPS with no problems. I have 10 LORs and tons of volunteer work. I have a 3.34 GPA from UC Berkeley with a double major in Anthropology and Philosophy and graduated in Dec 2010. I scored a 53, 6/6/6. Let me know what you think my chances are!
This is a rough draft of my motivational statement.
Once I get this in, my application will be complete. However, I am clearly aware that due to budget cuts it is just a waiting game from here.
Also, is the next SNA board really in Jan 2013, or has anyone heard else wise?
Feel free to rip on me ladies and gentlemen, I can handle the heat
Here it is:
I deeply respect this country for the life that it has given me, and I am greatly appreciative of the unalienable rights that I am indebted to. These privileges have granted me the opportunity to experience the very essence of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness while conducting myself as an ambitious individual with integrity and passion in everything I do. As a proud and loyal American, I feel a profound calling to offer my service to this great nation. I plan to do so by pledging my mind, body, and soul to the United States Navy, due to the high ethical standards it upholds as an institution. As a Naval Officer, I will strive to lead with the highest degree of honor, courage, and commitment that my mental, physical, and moral capacities will allow.
My interest for Naval Aviation was sparked as a child as I attended many military air shows with my grandfather. Throughout the time spent with my grandfather, he told me stories about his service in the United States military, the sacrifices he endured throughout the Korean War, and his career with the Aerospace Corporation during the Cold War and Space Race. From these stories, I developed an understanding of what it meant to be a patriot; and, consequently, the formation of my core values took place. These values stem from my conviction that one’s selfless devotion to public service and the life-long commitment that one is willing to make for the future progress of America is what I regard as the highest good. I can state with confidence, I trust and firmly support the decisions, actions, and commitments that the United States of America executes to protect this nation and its citizens. I seek a commission in the United States Navy to satisfy my patriotic values and the moral responsibility that I feel towards this country.
I devoted my adolescent years to athletics and since then physical fitness has always been an important factor in my life. From the six years that I played football, I know what defines dedication and sacrifice as a teammate and the tenacity that is needed to step forward as a captain. From this, I live life knowing that victory is achieved by the success of a team and not the individual. As an employee, my strong work ethic coupled with my ability to multi-task, while paying close attention to detail, has never failed to render me the recognition and respect that I deserve from my colleagues and the patrons that I encounter. Given my passion for education, the success that I have achieved as a scholar is due to my patience, diligence, and the immense amount of effort that I exude for my studies. I feel that responsibility, leadership, and my ability to encourage others are three qualities that I have refined and perfected throughout my life experiences. As a mature and well-rounded adult, I embody the competence to meet, and surpass, the expectations of being a Naval Officer and Aviator if given the opportunity.
After graduating from UC Berkeley, I attended Columbia University with the intention of pursuing medical school and ultimately becoming a Naval Flight Surgeon. Throughout this process, I realized that medicine was not the right career path for me because it lacked the ability to physically challenge me. Given my intelligence and athleticism, I seek a profession that presents physical and mental rigor while fulfilling my desire to serve my country. I would be a great candidate for Naval Aviation because I am at my best while critically thinking and physically exerting myself.
I yearn to be a commissioned officer in the United States Navy because it will allow me to utilize, and maximize, the mental and physical capacities that I possess as a patriot, an intellectual, a scholar, and an athlete.
Overall, I think it is a smidge overwritten. Sometimes the sentence structure is overly complex or the word choice unnecessarily fancy. For example, "medicine was not the right career path for me because it lacked the ability to physically challenge me". You are saying that medicine lacked the ability to challenge you, as medicidn as an entitiy doesn't have any abilities. So that doesn't quite make sense. Just say that is didn't challenge you, or if you must be fancy, then that it failed to offer sufficient challenges. How would you explain it to your friends? Probably something like, "Medicine wasn't challenging enough".
Also, there are an awful lot of lists, which breaks up the flow and makes the reader's pacing a bit off. Do an edit and see if you can get rid of a few of the "X. Y, and Z"s.
Also, there are an awful lot of lists, which breaks up the flow and makes the reader's pacing a bit off. Do an edit and see if you can get rid of a few of the "X. Y, and Z"s.