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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
jms4netsec
INFOSEC/IA SME
So - what should someone think/presume when nobody comments on a statement submitted for comment? Just wondering.
Your mother gave you life, not your country.
So is it a right or a privilege? Is it inalienable or unalienable or alienable...I'm lost here.... How are you indebted to an "unalienable right"??? What does that meanj? Huh?
How do you pledge your mind, body and soul? We want independent thinkers, not automatons.
Way over the top...that's as much as I could stand.
USAF_WX2USN
Active Member
Here's my first crack at my essay. A bit background about me: I'm currently an E-5 in the Air Force as a weather forecaster, I'm looking to apply for Oceano, Swo-oceano, and SWO. Please provide any feedback. Thank you.
I have proudly been serving my country in the United States Air Force for the last eight years as a weather forecaster. It was though my current assignment at NORAD-USNORTHCOM that I have had the distinct privilege to work alongside some of the finest naval officers, both current and retired. It was through their leadership and guidance that I am striving to emulate, made me want to become an officer in the United States Navy.
My current military experience as a non-commissioned officer has given me the tools to be a successful leader. The trials that I have faced have molded me into a more confident, decisive individual, and a more suitable leader than ever before. Not only do I look forward to the joy of successes as a leader, but I openly welcome the burdens and challenges that are often bestowed upon the shoulders of those in charge. I never settle for just meeting the standard and always find myself striving to exceed it, while inspiring those around me to to the same. I thrive on challenges and enjoy being thrown outside of my comfort zone. By facing those challenges and shattering the ceiling of what was once thought to be my best, I become a better person. I have been fortunate to have strong, dynamic leaders throughout my career that challenged me to analyze my strengths and weaknesses, foster growth, increase my understanding of people and culture, and to seek improvement opportunities at all times.
I have continued to rise to the challenge placed in front by filling a deployment billet to the SOUTHCOM AOR as an E-4, which was originally slated for an E-6. A key player in SOUTHCOM support, my leadership and forecasting knowledge were vital in the rescue of three American hostages held in Colombia. I was personally recognized by the commander and received an Army Achievement Medal. I also volunteered and was personally selected to became the first and only enlisted weather person at the joint/bi-national NORAD- USNORTHCOM Command Center. I have continued to build confidence in my leadership and briefing skills, as I am am the only enlisted person to brief daily several general/flag officers (American and Canadian) to include the 4-star commander of NORAD-USNORTHCOM.
I have actively strived to pursue different educational opportunities. Immediately after completing my upgrade training with a Certificate of Excellence and within the first few months of arriving at my duty station, I enrolled in college classes to work on completing my Community College of the Air Force degree. I completed my Associate’s degree in less than a year as an E-3, and received the Pitsenbarger Academic Scholarship Award. I completed a Bachelor of Science degree, in Geosciences, to help expand my knowledge of my career field while working through high operations tempo and started a family. Currently, I am working on receiving a certificate in Microsoft Office Applications to help make myself more versatile in a “paperless” military. I have strived to fill numerous leadership roles throughout my career starting when I was in technical training where I served as an Airman Leader (Green Rope) and Bay chief. As a young Airman at my first assignment, I took on the task of becoming a squadron physical fitness leader, which helped significantly increase our squadron’s physical fitness test passing rate. I was also chosen to be the lead trainer of the weather flight, as a Senior Airman, for three of my six assignments. For my leadership efforts, I have been awarded several flight and squadron “Airman of the Month/Quarter” awards, was recognized by the Command Chief Master Sergeant of Twelfth Air Force, and received the prestigious USNORTHCOM Deputy Commander’s (3-star) excellence coin for my efforts.
As a community advocate, I have strived to give back to the military community as well as the local population. I am fully trained as a National Weather Service SKYWARN spotter, where my local severe storm reports have helped with reports of the aftermath of storms. In addition, I have given back to the civilian weather community through joining the National Weather Association. At all of my different bases that I've been assigned to, I've volunteered and supervised the Airmen Against Drunk Driving program, which has helped hundreds of military members secure a safe ride home. While on overseas assignments, I have helped with teaching English to the youth of the area. Since becoming an NCO, I joined the Air Force Sergeants Association and have helped tackle some of the issues facing today's Air Force. Now that I have children, I've actively become a member of the Peterson AFB Parent Advisory Board at the Child Development Center and help led a clothing drive as well as luncheon for the providers. I believe being actively involved helps enforce community relations both in the military and local population.
If provided the honor of serving as a commissioned officer in the Navy, I can guarantee that I will put forth the same level of unyielding determination, inspiration, and meticulous attention to detail that I have in every other aspect of my life. Very few individuals have what it takes to over adversity, continuously strive to be the best, and develop the skills necessary to be in the top tier of the most influential leaders; I am one of those few!
I have proudly been serving my country in the United States Air Force for the last eight years as a weather forecaster. It was though my current assignment at NORAD-USNORTHCOM that I have had the distinct privilege to work alongside some of the finest naval officers, both current and retired. It was through their leadership and guidance that I am striving to emulate, made me want to become an officer in the United States Navy.
My current military experience as a non-commissioned officer has given me the tools to be a successful leader. The trials that I have faced have molded me into a more confident, decisive individual, and a more suitable leader than ever before. Not only do I look forward to the joy of successes as a leader, but I openly welcome the burdens and challenges that are often bestowed upon the shoulders of those in charge. I never settle for just meeting the standard and always find myself striving to exceed it, while inspiring those around me to to the same. I thrive on challenges and enjoy being thrown outside of my comfort zone. By facing those challenges and shattering the ceiling of what was once thought to be my best, I become a better person. I have been fortunate to have strong, dynamic leaders throughout my career that challenged me to analyze my strengths and weaknesses, foster growth, increase my understanding of people and culture, and to seek improvement opportunities at all times.
I have continued to rise to the challenge placed in front by filling a deployment billet to the SOUTHCOM AOR as an E-4, which was originally slated for an E-6. A key player in SOUTHCOM support, my leadership and forecasting knowledge were vital in the rescue of three American hostages held in Colombia. I was personally recognized by the commander and received an Army Achievement Medal. I also volunteered and was personally selected to became the first and only enlisted weather person at the joint/bi-national NORAD- USNORTHCOM Command Center. I have continued to build confidence in my leadership and briefing skills, as I am am the only enlisted person to brief daily several general/flag officers (American and Canadian) to include the 4-star commander of NORAD-USNORTHCOM.
I have actively strived to pursue different educational opportunities. Immediately after completing my upgrade training with a Certificate of Excellence and within the first few months of arriving at my duty station, I enrolled in college classes to work on completing my Community College of the Air Force degree. I completed my Associate’s degree in less than a year as an E-3, and received the Pitsenbarger Academic Scholarship Award. I completed a Bachelor of Science degree, in Geosciences, to help expand my knowledge of my career field while working through high operations tempo and started a family. Currently, I am working on receiving a certificate in Microsoft Office Applications to help make myself more versatile in a “paperless” military. I have strived to fill numerous leadership roles throughout my career starting when I was in technical training where I served as an Airman Leader (Green Rope) and Bay chief. As a young Airman at my first assignment, I took on the task of becoming a squadron physical fitness leader, which helped significantly increase our squadron’s physical fitness test passing rate. I was also chosen to be the lead trainer of the weather flight, as a Senior Airman, for three of my six assignments. For my leadership efforts, I have been awarded several flight and squadron “Airman of the Month/Quarter” awards, was recognized by the Command Chief Master Sergeant of Twelfth Air Force, and received the prestigious USNORTHCOM Deputy Commander’s (3-star) excellence coin for my efforts.
As a community advocate, I have strived to give back to the military community as well as the local population. I am fully trained as a National Weather Service SKYWARN spotter, where my local severe storm reports have helped with reports of the aftermath of storms. In addition, I have given back to the civilian weather community through joining the National Weather Association. At all of my different bases that I've been assigned to, I've volunteered and supervised the Airmen Against Drunk Driving program, which has helped hundreds of military members secure a safe ride home. While on overseas assignments, I have helped with teaching English to the youth of the area. Since becoming an NCO, I joined the Air Force Sergeants Association and have helped tackle some of the issues facing today's Air Force. Now that I have children, I've actively become a member of the Peterson AFB Parent Advisory Board at the Child Development Center and help led a clothing drive as well as luncheon for the providers. I believe being actively involved helps enforce community relations both in the military and local population.
If provided the honor of serving as a commissioned officer in the Navy, I can guarantee that I will put forth the same level of unyielding determination, inspiration, and meticulous attention to detail that I have in every other aspect of my life. Very few individuals have what it takes to over adversity, continuously strive to be the best, and develop the skills necessary to be in the top tier of the most influential leaders; I am one of those few!
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
This is alot of what you have done, but what are you going to do for the Navy? also a long time ago I was told don't be redundant, the board will see your degree, your awards, etc... if it is in the other part of the application don't just put it in to put it in, if you can figure a way to tie it in while talking about something new then great.
USAF_WX2USN
Active Member
Thank you for the feedback. I will continue revising.
Daspyp
Member
He's my first rough draft. I'm working on adding a conclusion, polishing the grammar, and adding substance. Please don't be gentle.
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My desire to become an officer in the United States Navy stems from one of my earliest memories. While attending an airshow in 1995 my Grandfather, a veteran of World War 2, spoke about the honor, courage, and commitment of those the men and women serving with him demonstrated. From that moment on I’ve always felt proud for being an American and have had a sense of obligation to pay back the men and women who have safeguarded my rights and freedoms.
My fascination for aviation developed as a result from where I grew up; Beavercreek, Ohio. Being raised only a few miles away from the birthplace of aviation and Wright Patterson Air Force base, I was immersed in aviation from a very young age. Seeing the cargo planes take off from Wright Patterson, listening veteran’s stories, learning about the legends like John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, and the Wright Brothers only fueled my passion for aviation and my desire to become a Naval Aviator.
So why choose the Navy and what do I have to offer? Honestly, out of all the services I can relate my own cores values to that of the Navy’s. Honor, courage and commitment. Whether it’s committing to earning a private pilot’s license or bachelor’s degree, having integrity when handling difficult situations at work, or possessing the courage to stand up for what a person believes. I've always done my best to live my life by these ideals; even before knowing that it is the Navy’s core values.
On top of living by those core values I have a technical background. Ever since I was very young, I've always been surrounded by computers. This exposure to technology at a young age allowed for the development the trouble shooting skills I still use to this day. Eventually I was able to use my skills to earn a scholarship to a local college’s Information Technology program. The knowledge I gained while attending that school along with the skills I developed while growing up have allowed me to be able to adapt to new technologies very rapidly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My desire to become an officer in the United States Navy stems from one of my earliest memories. While attending an airshow in 1995 my Grandfather, a veteran of World War 2, spoke about the honor, courage, and commitment of those the men and women serving with him demonstrated. From that moment on I’ve always felt proud for being an American and have had a sense of obligation to pay back the men and women who have safeguarded my rights and freedoms.
My fascination for aviation developed as a result from where I grew up; Beavercreek, Ohio. Being raised only a few miles away from the birthplace of aviation and Wright Patterson Air Force base, I was immersed in aviation from a very young age. Seeing the cargo planes take off from Wright Patterson, listening veteran’s stories, learning about the legends like John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, and the Wright Brothers only fueled my passion for aviation and my desire to become a Naval Aviator.
So why choose the Navy and what do I have to offer? Honestly, out of all the services I can relate my own cores values to that of the Navy’s. Honor, courage and commitment. Whether it’s committing to earning a private pilot’s license or bachelor’s degree, having integrity when handling difficult situations at work, or possessing the courage to stand up for what a person believes. I've always done my best to live my life by these ideals; even before knowing that it is the Navy’s core values.
On top of living by those core values I have a technical background. Ever since I was very young, I've always been surrounded by computers. This exposure to technology at a young age allowed for the development the trouble shooting skills I still use to this day. Eventually I was able to use my skills to earn a scholarship to a local college’s Information Technology program. The knowledge I gained while attending that school along with the skills I developed while growing up have allowed me to be able to adapt to new technologies very rapidly.
Daspyp
Member
Based on some suggestions I've been given. Here's a slightly revised version of my very rough draft. Advice/Suggestions?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My desire to become an officer in the United States Navy stems from one of my earliest memories. While attending an airshow in 1995 my Grandfather, a veteran of World War 2, spoke about the honor, courage, and commitment of those the men and women serving with him demonstrated. From that moment on I’ve always had a great sense of pride for being an American and have had a sense of obligation to pay back the men and women who have safeguarded my rights and freedoms.
My passion for aviation partly developed as a result from where I grew up; Beavercreek, Ohio. Being raised only a few miles away from the birthplace of aviation and Wright Patterson Air Force base, I was immersed in aviation from a very young age. Seeing the cargo planes take off from Wright Patterson, listening veteran’s stories, and learning about the legends like John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, and the Wright Brothers only fueled my passion for aviation and my ambition to become a Naval Aviator.
So why choose the Navy and what do I have to offer? Honestly, out of all the services I can relate my own cores values to that of the Navy’s. Honor, courage and commitment. Whether it’s committing to earning a private pilot’s license or bachelor’s degree, having integrity when handling difficult situations at work, or possessing the courage to stand up for what a person believes. I've always done my best to live my life by these ideals; even before knowing that it is the Navy’s core values.
On top of living by those core values I have a technical background. My mother was a database and web developer for the Air Force, so I’ve always been surrounded by computers. This exposure to technology at a young age allowed for my affinity with computers. Out of high school I was able to use the technical skills that I learned while growing up to earn a scholarship to a local college’s Information Technology program. The knowledge I gained while attending that school along with the skills I developed as a child have provided me with the ability to adapt and understand new technologies fairly quickly.
As an American, I believe it’s my duty to repay the country that has protected my life and ideals. Becoming an officer Navy would allow me to grow as an individual and grant the opportunity to repay that debt. Thank you for your time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My desire to become an officer in the United States Navy stems from one of my earliest memories. While attending an airshow in 1995 my Grandfather, a veteran of World War 2, spoke about the honor, courage, and commitment of those the men and women serving with him demonstrated. From that moment on I’ve always had a great sense of pride for being an American and have had a sense of obligation to pay back the men and women who have safeguarded my rights and freedoms.
My passion for aviation partly developed as a result from where I grew up; Beavercreek, Ohio. Being raised only a few miles away from the birthplace of aviation and Wright Patterson Air Force base, I was immersed in aviation from a very young age. Seeing the cargo planes take off from Wright Patterson, listening veteran’s stories, and learning about the legends like John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, and the Wright Brothers only fueled my passion for aviation and my ambition to become a Naval Aviator.
So why choose the Navy and what do I have to offer? Honestly, out of all the services I can relate my own cores values to that of the Navy’s. Honor, courage and commitment. Whether it’s committing to earning a private pilot’s license or bachelor’s degree, having integrity when handling difficult situations at work, or possessing the courage to stand up for what a person believes. I've always done my best to live my life by these ideals; even before knowing that it is the Navy’s core values.
On top of living by those core values I have a technical background. My mother was a database and web developer for the Air Force, so I’ve always been surrounded by computers. This exposure to technology at a young age allowed for my affinity with computers. Out of high school I was able to use the technical skills that I learned while growing up to earn a scholarship to a local college’s Information Technology program. The knowledge I gained while attending that school along with the skills I developed as a child have provided me with the ability to adapt and understand new technologies fairly quickly.
As an American, I believe it’s my duty to repay the country that has protected my life and ideals. Becoming an officer Navy would allow me to grow as an individual and grant the opportunity to repay that debt. Thank you for your time.
Hey all. After visiting this board every day for months, I'm finally submitting my OCS package tomorrow. My recruiter gave me a rush request for my APSR tonight, so I'm basically starting and finishing my motivational statement tonight. Will anyone be around in a couple hours to check it out for me via PM? Late notice, so that's OK if nobody is around or up to it 
My grammar and such is spot on—I know saying that'll throw a heavy spotlight on errors—but I want to make sure I'm capturing the essence of what this statement is all about.
My grammar and such is spot on—I know saying that'll throw a heavy spotlight on errors—but I want to make sure I'm capturing the essence of what this statement is all about.
I took a different tack with my motivational statement. Based on the advice by NavyOffRec and others in this thread, I geared my statement entirely toward my experience as a leader and how it relates to my capability to serve as a naval officer. As any writer would state, we are our own worst editors, so I'd certainly appreciate somebody's input on this.
Yes, it is long. I used every bit of available space as per the latest version of the APSR. If I accomplished my goal as an effective writer, then I filled all the space with useful and interesting content devoid of repetition. Each paragraph targets a different area of leadership, so hopefully that's the case.
——————————————————————————
My desire to become an officer in the United States Navy spawned from my experience as a leader in a college newsroom. During my term as editor-in-chief of the Roundup newspaper, I oversaw and directed a staff of nearly fifty editors, reporters and photographers. It is through the eyes of this undertaking that I will guide you through my development as a leader and my passion to ignite my personal growth as an officer in the Navy.
I believe all great leaders remain lifelong learners, and I understand that a naval officer is always engulfed in education to expand his or her qualifications. The pursuit of knowledge is a passion I will never abandon, and my hunger for leadership is largely a result of the continual learning process involved. My time as EIC offered me, bar none, the greatest learning experience I’ve yet to encounter. A huge portion of my time was dedicated to mastering the software, editing skills, layout techniques and story-finding capabilities required to perform my job well. I believe my tenacity for knowledge would be absolutely piqued by the diverse roles and unique information a naval officer learns on a daily basis.
An officer in the U.S. Navy would need to be responsible for both their own work and the work of the sailors they oversee, so time management skills are crucial. The newspaper absorbed hours out of every day of my week, and the multitude of duties I took on meant a full-time commitment. But the experience was completely independent of my full-time college and work schedules. It was because of this added strain, and not in spite of it, that I strove even harder to maintain straight As and keep my work performance at top notch, all while successfully navigating the newspaper through each week’s production cycle. I know a naval officer’s workload would be a whole different ball game, but my slight addiction to juggling responsibilities makes me confident that I’d be bringing the right skills to the plate.
As any enlisted sailor or officer is no doubt familiar with, different styles of leadership can produce vastly different results and attitudes in any chain of command, civilian or military. Learning to adapt my leadership style to a diverse audience tested my abilities and helped me develop a more dynamic approach to dealing with groups and individuals. In the eyes of many of my reporters and photographers, stories and photos were just homework assignments, and I was the guy ruining their weekends. To me, these valuable staffers were the lifeblood of my paper, and their self-motivation determined whether or not I would make my immutable Tuesday-night deadline.
With this in mind, my real task quickly became clear to me—to find out what motivated each individual staff member to succeed, and leverage that motivation into results they (and I) would be proud of. This experience is undoubtedly shared by any naval officer who leads diverse groups of sailors, each of whom has their own reasons for being there. I learned that by energizing individuals (and therefore, groups), a leader can earn the loyalty and respect necessary to lead their staff effectively, and only then will the leader enjoy the difference between people grudgingly working for them and people loyally working with them.
Any officer in the U.S. Navy knows that when a job needs doing, it behooves them to get it done regardless of staff complications. This inherently means a leader needs to be ready to implement crisis management when things don’t go according to plan. A unique challenge for me while managing a staff of students was that they often didn’t have enough to lose to make failure a non-option. As my reporters and photographers reached their deadlines, I or my editors would often discover the finished stories and art to be either insufficient or nonexistent. On a weekly basis, I would find myself counseling my staffers to help them accomplish their future deadlines while I simultaneously delegated their abandoned assignments to people who could turn them around quickly (or, more often than I would have liked, completed them myself).
An extremely unique crisis situation I faced continually was the disappearance of staffers without any warning. Student journalists would withdraw from the publication without so much as an email, such that when it came time for my editors to consolidate the content, I’d find there was no content to consolidate. But the disappearance of a worker does not mean the disappearance of the job at hand. Leveraging resources to get the job done according to plan—and sacrificing personal comfort in the meantime—is a skill I believe any officer must be intimately familiar with.
————————
Leadership is one of the greatest challenges to our character growth that we'll ever encounter during our lifetimes. It is rewarding, but it is uniquely painful. My toils as a leader vastly outweighed my toils as a follower. However, it's in familiar comfort that I stagnate, and it's by overcoming fear that I grow. For this reason, leadership is the role I will always seek to assume.
But why the Navy? The short answer: It’s the type of life I want to live. My five or so years underneath fluorescent office lights have reassured me that I want something more meaningful. The naval officer roles available to me each offer exciting opportunities, whether I am accepted into flight school as a student naval aviator or I begin learning to lead divisions as a surface warfare officer. After hundreds of hours of research, conversation and exploration, there was no doubt in my mind that my goal was Armed Forces leadership. But it was the Navy’s sea-centric mission that resonated with me. The chance to further develop and exercise good leadership skills while traveling the world is exactly in line with my most intrinsic personal goals for growth. If I am accepted to U.S. Navy OCS, I know the Navy and I will prosper together for many years.
Yes, it is long. I used every bit of available space as per the latest version of the APSR. If I accomplished my goal as an effective writer, then I filled all the space with useful and interesting content devoid of repetition. Each paragraph targets a different area of leadership, so hopefully that's the case.
——————————————————————————
My desire to become an officer in the United States Navy spawned from my experience as a leader in a college newsroom. During my term as editor-in-chief of the Roundup newspaper, I oversaw and directed a staff of nearly fifty editors, reporters and photographers. It is through the eyes of this undertaking that I will guide you through my development as a leader and my passion to ignite my personal growth as an officer in the Navy.
I believe all great leaders remain lifelong learners, and I understand that a naval officer is always engulfed in education to expand his or her qualifications. The pursuit of knowledge is a passion I will never abandon, and my hunger for leadership is largely a result of the continual learning process involved. My time as EIC offered me, bar none, the greatest learning experience I’ve yet to encounter. A huge portion of my time was dedicated to mastering the software, editing skills, layout techniques and story-finding capabilities required to perform my job well. I believe my tenacity for knowledge would be absolutely piqued by the diverse roles and unique information a naval officer learns on a daily basis.
An officer in the U.S. Navy would need to be responsible for both their own work and the work of the sailors they oversee, so time management skills are crucial. The newspaper absorbed hours out of every day of my week, and the multitude of duties I took on meant a full-time commitment. But the experience was completely independent of my full-time college and work schedules. It was because of this added strain, and not in spite of it, that I strove even harder to maintain straight As and keep my work performance at top notch, all while successfully navigating the newspaper through each week’s production cycle. I know a naval officer’s workload would be a whole different ball game, but my slight addiction to juggling responsibilities makes me confident that I’d be bringing the right skills to the plate.
As any enlisted sailor or officer is no doubt familiar with, different styles of leadership can produce vastly different results and attitudes in any chain of command, civilian or military. Learning to adapt my leadership style to a diverse audience tested my abilities and helped me develop a more dynamic approach to dealing with groups and individuals. In the eyes of many of my reporters and photographers, stories and photos were just homework assignments, and I was the guy ruining their weekends. To me, these valuable staffers were the lifeblood of my paper, and their self-motivation determined whether or not I would make my immutable Tuesday-night deadline.
With this in mind, my real task quickly became clear to me—to find out what motivated each individual staff member to succeed, and leverage that motivation into results they (and I) would be proud of. This experience is undoubtedly shared by any naval officer who leads diverse groups of sailors, each of whom has their own reasons for being there. I learned that by energizing individuals (and therefore, groups), a leader can earn the loyalty and respect necessary to lead their staff effectively, and only then will the leader enjoy the difference between people grudgingly working for them and people loyally working with them.
Any officer in the U.S. Navy knows that when a job needs doing, it behooves them to get it done regardless of staff complications. This inherently means a leader needs to be ready to implement crisis management when things don’t go according to plan. A unique challenge for me while managing a staff of students was that they often didn’t have enough to lose to make failure a non-option. As my reporters and photographers reached their deadlines, I or my editors would often discover the finished stories and art to be either insufficient or nonexistent. On a weekly basis, I would find myself counseling my staffers to help them accomplish their future deadlines while I simultaneously delegated their abandoned assignments to people who could turn them around quickly (or, more often than I would have liked, completed them myself).
An extremely unique crisis situation I faced continually was the disappearance of staffers without any warning. Student journalists would withdraw from the publication without so much as an email, such that when it came time for my editors to consolidate the content, I’d find there was no content to consolidate. But the disappearance of a worker does not mean the disappearance of the job at hand. Leveraging resources to get the job done according to plan—and sacrificing personal comfort in the meantime—is a skill I believe any officer must be intimately familiar with.
————————
Leadership is one of the greatest challenges to our character growth that we'll ever encounter during our lifetimes. It is rewarding, but it is uniquely painful. My toils as a leader vastly outweighed my toils as a follower. However, it's in familiar comfort that I stagnate, and it's by overcoming fear that I grow. For this reason, leadership is the role I will always seek to assume.
But why the Navy? The short answer: It’s the type of life I want to live. My five or so years underneath fluorescent office lights have reassured me that I want something more meaningful. The naval officer roles available to me each offer exciting opportunities, whether I am accepted into flight school as a student naval aviator or I begin learning to lead divisions as a surface warfare officer. After hundreds of hours of research, conversation and exploration, there was no doubt in my mind that my goal was Armed Forces leadership. But it was the Navy’s sea-centric mission that resonated with me. The chance to further develop and exercise good leadership skills while traveling the world is exactly in line with my most intrinsic personal goals for growth. If I am accepted to U.S. Navy OCS, I know the Navy and I will prosper together for many years.
Daspyp
Member
I like how you were able to write a lot about leadership. Unfortunately, I have not had many worth while leadership experiences... So I wrote more about my drive to serve, why I've chosen to pursue the navy vs. the other branches, and what I believe sets me apart. Since I'm going for NFO I dedicated one of my paragraphs to my tech background.
Here is my final draft. If anybody has any suggestions please voice them.
_____________________________________________________________
My desire to become a Naval officer stems from one of my earliest memories. While attending an airshow in 1995, my Grandfather, a veteran of World War II, spoke about the honor, courage, and commitment that his aircrew demonstrated while in the line of duty. Since that moment, I have felt obligated to repay the men and women who have safeguarded my rights and freedoms.
Being raised in a suburb of Dayton, Ohio, I have always been captivated by flight. Growing up only a few miles from the birthplace of aviation, I was mesmerized by anything related to flying, whether it had rotor blades, wings, or rockets. Seeing aircraft take off from Wright Patterson Air Force Base, listening to veterans’ stories, and learning about the “local legends” like John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, and the Wright Brothers, fueled my ambition to become an aviator.
Choosing a service in which to pursue a career has not been easy, since each branch offers its own unique set of opportunities and rewarding experiences. However, what made me decide that pursuing a commission with the Navy is the correct choice is that I feel my own core values mirror the Navy’s core values: Honor, courage, and commitment. Whether it was committing to earning a private pilot’s license or bachelor’s degree, handling difficult situations at work with integrity, or possessing the courage to stand up for what a person believes. I have done my best to live my life by these ideals; even before knowing these were the core values of the Navy.
Having a technical background is, perhaps, one of my best defining qualities. My mother was a database and web developer for the Air Force, so my understanding of computers began very early on. This exposure to technology at a young age allowed me to develop skills I would later use to earn a college scholarship in Computer Information Systems. The technical knowledge I gained from attending school, as well as the trouble shooting techniques I learned while growing up, have provided me with the ability to adapt and understand new technologies quickly.
I believe that one of the most important lessons in life is learning from success and failure. No matter what challenges I have faced, my ability to succeed has overshadowed any doubt. As an individual, I believe that any success or failure grants a person the opportunity to learn from his or her choices. These experiences have shaped who I am and have given me valuable insight in handling difficult situations.
In conclusion, becoming an officer in the Navy would allow me to be a part of something bigger than myself, grow as an individual, and grant me the opportunity to repay the nation that has protected my ideals and way of life.
Here is my final draft. If anybody has any suggestions please voice them.
_____________________________________________________________
My desire to become a Naval officer stems from one of my earliest memories. While attending an airshow in 1995, my Grandfather, a veteran of World War II, spoke about the honor, courage, and commitment that his aircrew demonstrated while in the line of duty. Since that moment, I have felt obligated to repay the men and women who have safeguarded my rights and freedoms.
Being raised in a suburb of Dayton, Ohio, I have always been captivated by flight. Growing up only a few miles from the birthplace of aviation, I was mesmerized by anything related to flying, whether it had rotor blades, wings, or rockets. Seeing aircraft take off from Wright Patterson Air Force Base, listening to veterans’ stories, and learning about the “local legends” like John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, and the Wright Brothers, fueled my ambition to become an aviator.
Choosing a service in which to pursue a career has not been easy, since each branch offers its own unique set of opportunities and rewarding experiences. However, what made me decide that pursuing a commission with the Navy is the correct choice is that I feel my own core values mirror the Navy’s core values: Honor, courage, and commitment. Whether it was committing to earning a private pilot’s license or bachelor’s degree, handling difficult situations at work with integrity, or possessing the courage to stand up for what a person believes. I have done my best to live my life by these ideals; even before knowing these were the core values of the Navy.
Having a technical background is, perhaps, one of my best defining qualities. My mother was a database and web developer for the Air Force, so my understanding of computers began very early on. This exposure to technology at a young age allowed me to develop skills I would later use to earn a college scholarship in Computer Information Systems. The technical knowledge I gained from attending school, as well as the trouble shooting techniques I learned while growing up, have provided me with the ability to adapt and understand new technologies quickly.
I believe that one of the most important lessons in life is learning from success and failure. No matter what challenges I have faced, my ability to succeed has overshadowed any doubt. As an individual, I believe that any success or failure grants a person the opportunity to learn from his or her choices. These experiences have shaped who I am and have given me valuable insight in handling difficult situations.
In conclusion, becoming an officer in the Navy would allow me to be a part of something bigger than myself, grow as an individual, and grant me the opportunity to repay the nation that has protected my ideals and way of life.
May as well start sounding off somewhere. This'll come in no particular order, and by no means purports to be a comprehensive list, but are the thoughts as they come to me. Daspyp:
1) Never start a conclusion with "in conclusion." Just start your conclusion. If you really must declare "I'm wrapping things up now," find something at least marginally better / more unique / different way to do so.
2) I'm confused by how you write about this formative airshow experience with your grandfather. If it has really been "since that moment" that you "felt obligated to repay the men and women who have safeguarded (your) rights and freedoms," why didn't you enlist? Why didn't you go for the Academy or a ROTC program? I could honestly care less what the answer to those questions are, but keep in mind that the boards may read into your statements similarly and you do little to offer followup information. In my opinion, better not to invite the trouble and plant that question in their minds.
3) "One of my defining qualities" works just fine. "Best defining," for me at least, seems stylistically sub-par. If you keep it, at least hyphenate.
4) In all honesty, that whole section could use a rework. You have verb/object agreement issues, trite phrases, sentences bordering on run-ons, and so on. Though you may understand new technologies quickly, you adapt to them. Couldn't "this exposure to technology at a young age" be equally effective written as "this early exposure to technology"? (can you tell yet I'm a sucker for alliteration?)
5) You reference your ability to succeed in the face of challenges. What are these challenges? What are the successes? Specificity and a proven track record are your friends.
6) Your conclusion seems to be all about what the Navy gives you. What do you give them in return?
1) Never start a conclusion with "in conclusion." Just start your conclusion. If you really must declare "I'm wrapping things up now," find something at least marginally better / more unique / different way to do so.
2) I'm confused by how you write about this formative airshow experience with your grandfather. If it has really been "since that moment" that you "felt obligated to repay the men and women who have safeguarded (your) rights and freedoms," why didn't you enlist? Why didn't you go for the Academy or a ROTC program? I could honestly care less what the answer to those questions are, but keep in mind that the boards may read into your statements similarly and you do little to offer followup information. In my opinion, better not to invite the trouble and plant that question in their minds.
3) "One of my defining qualities" works just fine. "Best defining," for me at least, seems stylistically sub-par. If you keep it, at least hyphenate.
4) In all honesty, that whole section could use a rework. You have verb/object agreement issues, trite phrases, sentences bordering on run-ons, and so on. Though you may understand new technologies quickly, you adapt to them. Couldn't "this exposure to technology at a young age" be equally effective written as "this early exposure to technology"? (can you tell yet I'm a sucker for alliteration?)
5) You reference your ability to succeed in the face of challenges. What are these challenges? What are the successes? Specificity and a proven track record are your friends.
6) Your conclusion seems to be all about what the Navy gives you. What do you give them in return?
I think your use of conjunctions is unnecessary and I think you use too many commas. Do you realize that Honor, Courage and Commitment are the Marine Corps' core values and that the Navy adopted them years after we did?
fedman28
Well-Known Member
Hi this seems to be the place to get a motivational statement ripped apart lol so here you go. Don't hold back I have a slim chance as it is so I need all the help I can get.
I enlisted in the United States Navy in January of 2002 when I was 20 years old right after September 11th. My uncle served in the Navy aboard the U.S.S. Forestal as an ABH3. His sacrifice weighed heavily on me wanting to finish what he was not able to finish. Serving in the Navy was the best decision I've made in my life and I found a new sense of pride in our country and a greater sense of responsibility in me. Both of these things have stuck with me throughout my life. That pride has led me to serve and excel in everything I do. I continued to serve my country as a federal civil employee for several years, but found myself not getting the same satisfaction that I felt when I was serving in the Navy. I felt as if I could be a better asset to my country as a Naval Officer. The responsibility led me to pursue a bachelors degree at Middle Tennessee State University. I learned skills which may better serve the needs of the Navy and my country. The perseverance and stead fast attitude that I have helped me to achieve any goal that I set. At this point in my life I am ready to accept a new challenge and open a new chapter. I am diligent in every thing I do, and I don't stop until all means are exhausted to achieve the goals I set. I am the first in my family to go to college and to rise above what was ultimately a menial life in a small town in Kentucky, by doing that I have raised the bar for those who look up to me as a leader and mentor.
When I made the decision to attend college as a nontraditional student at the age of 30 I knew there were going to be many obstacles that I would have to overcome. I went with an aggressive approach I started the first full semester with 16hrs and progressively added more each semester. The next semester I took 19hrs in addition to responsibilities with the Honor Society and the Motorcycle Club I made the deans list that semester, and the following semester as well. Even after all that I continued to raise the bar for myself and challenge my abilities by taking 21hrs in one semester. I completed my Bachelors degree in 22 months. I pride myself in determination and dedication in everything I do. My leadership and life experiences have taught me many things. First and foremost is that leader leads from the front and not the rear. Dwight D. Eisenhower said "The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office." This is a motto in which I have adopted and applied in my life that has never led me in the wrong direction. I have applied this to my leadership roles not only in the Honor Society that I was the vice president of but also in my personal life as well.
Now more than ever the country needs strong, intelligent, and motivated leaders. My strength is rooted in my experiences in both the Navy and the civilian world. I’ve shown the ability to work hard, set goals, and achieve them. I also bring a highly specialized and much needed skill set to the Navy. I hope to use these skills to protect our country, and ensure the freedoms which have allowed me to do so many things are available to future generations. I am motivated by the knowledge that I live in the greatest country in the world, and I am honored that I’ve been given the opportunity to help keep it that way. There is nothing more that I want in this world than to be a Naval Officer. I am going to continue to focus my energy, attention, and dedication to achieving that goal. I sincerely hope that I’m given a chance to take the next step in service to my country by earning a commission in the United States Navy.
Thanks in advance for the input.
I enlisted in the United States Navy in January of 2002 when I was 20 years old right after September 11th. My uncle served in the Navy aboard the U.S.S. Forestal as an ABH3. His sacrifice weighed heavily on me wanting to finish what he was not able to finish. Serving in the Navy was the best decision I've made in my life and I found a new sense of pride in our country and a greater sense of responsibility in me. Both of these things have stuck with me throughout my life. That pride has led me to serve and excel in everything I do. I continued to serve my country as a federal civil employee for several years, but found myself not getting the same satisfaction that I felt when I was serving in the Navy. I felt as if I could be a better asset to my country as a Naval Officer. The responsibility led me to pursue a bachelors degree at Middle Tennessee State University. I learned skills which may better serve the needs of the Navy and my country. The perseverance and stead fast attitude that I have helped me to achieve any goal that I set. At this point in my life I am ready to accept a new challenge and open a new chapter. I am diligent in every thing I do, and I don't stop until all means are exhausted to achieve the goals I set. I am the first in my family to go to college and to rise above what was ultimately a menial life in a small town in Kentucky, by doing that I have raised the bar for those who look up to me as a leader and mentor.
When I made the decision to attend college as a nontraditional student at the age of 30 I knew there were going to be many obstacles that I would have to overcome. I went with an aggressive approach I started the first full semester with 16hrs and progressively added more each semester. The next semester I took 19hrs in addition to responsibilities with the Honor Society and the Motorcycle Club I made the deans list that semester, and the following semester as well. Even after all that I continued to raise the bar for myself and challenge my abilities by taking 21hrs in one semester. I completed my Bachelors degree in 22 months. I pride myself in determination and dedication in everything I do. My leadership and life experiences have taught me many things. First and foremost is that leader leads from the front and not the rear. Dwight D. Eisenhower said "The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office." This is a motto in which I have adopted and applied in my life that has never led me in the wrong direction. I have applied this to my leadership roles not only in the Honor Society that I was the vice president of but also in my personal life as well.
Now more than ever the country needs strong, intelligent, and motivated leaders. My strength is rooted in my experiences in both the Navy and the civilian world. I’ve shown the ability to work hard, set goals, and achieve them. I also bring a highly specialized and much needed skill set to the Navy. I hope to use these skills to protect our country, and ensure the freedoms which have allowed me to do so many things are available to future generations. I am motivated by the knowledge that I live in the greatest country in the world, and I am honored that I’ve been given the opportunity to help keep it that way. There is nothing more that I want in this world than to be a Naval Officer. I am going to continue to focus my energy, attention, and dedication to achieving that goal. I sincerely hope that I’m given a chance to take the next step in service to my country by earning a commission in the United States Navy.
Thanks in advance for the input.