jms4netsec:
Hope this isn't too late in the process to be of some use. You hit the nail on the head - fair writer, somewhat "punctuationally challenged." I've decided to experiment with a new format for commenting.
Having submitted five prior applications I'm conflicted on starting your statement this way. On the one hand, it indicates a serious level of commitment. On the other hand, it reminds them that there have been multiple other boards that, for one reason or another, didn't want you. Just food for thought. , I've had a number of opportunities to introspectively evaluate and explain what it is that has driven me to want to be a Navy officer. Each time, I have tried to convey the deep sense of pride and dignity that I would derive from a return to a life of honorable military service. How I have spent most of my adult life, both during and following my prior enlisted service, in pursuit of achieving the standards required to even attempt this direct commission application, both academically and physically. The preceding is not actually a sentence - just a fragment. More importantly, how I will bring over a decade and a half of professional experience and technical acumen, derived from a broad cross section of commercial industry, and more recently, multiple branches of the DoD; all complimented by multiple academic degrees, recently completed with distinguished GPAs, from NSA-endorsed programs. Ditto this one, but doubly bad (neither the segment before nor after the semicolon are complete sentences / independent clauses). This application grants me the fortune of yet another opportunity to convey these points. Instead of convey/convey in one paragraph, how about "communicate," "elucidate," or "clarify"?
I come from a patriotic family with a strong military ethic, raised to believe that to serve our country in uniform is both an obligation of citizenship and an honored privilege; values hard to avoid growing up so close to Fort Knox. Again, not an independent clause worth of the semicolon. Perhaps you could use "such values are hard to avoid, growing up so close to Fort Knox." Many of the men in my family have distinguished themselves with honorable enlisted (and Warrant) service, and brought credit to the forces they served. However, I have always wanted something more. To raise the bar for myself, and for those who may follow me. Another non-sentence, this one you could hypenate with the previous (used in lieu of a colon).
When I first sought to pursue a commission, I looked closely at all of the services. Because of that review, I have always felt that the Navy offered those who embraced a higher standard for themselves something more than other branches. This walks a fine line of admiring the Navy's awesomeness and debasing the other services. Foremost, a storied legacy of 'Honor', 'Courage' and 'Commitment' that follows an unbroken line to its founding, predating our nation. Comparing the Navy to my first hand firsthand or first-hand observations in the Air Force and those since becoming a defense contractor, I believe the Navy offers its officers unparalleled opportunities to excel and distinguish themselves. To master both trade and sea craft, to lead others and to grow as leaders; to become part of something greater than themselves incomplete sentence - you know what to do. As these closely parallel the goals of my life, a naval commission has always been, without question, my first and only choice. If that's the case, why did you join the Air Force? The answer is almost immaterial, but know that this is the first question that comes to my mind (and may come to the mind of the panel reviewing this essay)
Much of my prior service experience remains strong with me to this day. I recall with great clarity and pride my participation in large exercises such as Team Spirit during my deployment to the 8th Tactical Fighter Squadron at Kunsan, AB (Wolfpack) in South Korea, where I contributed to the record numbers of combat (hot) refuels in support of the first squadron of F16s deployed OCONUS to the Pacific. One of my older brothers and I share a bond through the Wolfpack, as he also served in that same squadron when it was deployed to Thailand during Vietnam. I also recall with somewhat less enthusiasm gravity defueling a B52 during bleak winter nights on a windy tarmac in Kansas at McConnell AFB. While these serve as contrasts in experiences, they both demonstrate the strong identity I continue to feel with military duty. Experiences which give life to a perspective I believe will enable me to relate to those who I would guide and lead as an officer in the Navy. Another incomplete sentence.
While it has taken some time to achieve my education why not use "educational goals" here? You achieve goals. since separating, especially without the benefit of VEAP, my success was never truly in doubt. Working multiple jobs as a full time hyphenate if it's going to be an adjective student, bouncing back from the loss of my remaining parent, (and) learning the value of persistence and dedication to my goals (has enabled) enables me to stand as the only person in my family to graduate from a university in the last 50 years (2007), and the first to ever achieve a Master’s degree (2008), also garnering a prestigious induction to Upsilon Pi Epsilon, an honor society for academic excellence in computing sciences. I was privileged to be selected by my academic peers to lead both undergraduate and graduate capstone teams (5-7 person working groups) to distinction, despite significant cultural and language challenges. I was also invited to return to my alma mater as an adjunct faculty, specifically to teach 'Ethics in Information Technology' by one of my professors taking an academic sabbatical. the ordering here seems a bit off. Think it should be "invited to return to my alma mater as an adjunct faculty by a former professor, specifically to teach his 'Ethics in Information Technology' course while he took an academic sabbatical" or something similar.
Because both of my degrees in advanced technologies and InfoSec disciplines were acquired in a traditional, in-classroom setting, I worked and studied along side a culturally diverse array of young men and women often of more traditional accession ages on a daily basis for five years. This prompted a couple of several of, rather than "a couple" - it's less colloquial the senior officers who interviewed me to suggest that experience likely provided me with some unique insights into the culture and ideologies of those who I might likely be working alongside as a junior officer, or possibly leading as enlisted men and women. They uniformly expressed the sentiment that experience might make me a potentially unique asset to the commander of any wardroom in which I might serve.
It has long been my hope that I would be able to leverage my commercial and defense experience, degrees and DoDI 8570.1 certifications within the IDC community. As a cleared defense contractor, I've been privileged to work alongside active and reserve members of the Navy's IDC, and would be humbled to call them my peers.
Granting me a Navy commission will permit me to follow the Navy path to a life of distinction and leadership. One of honored service, and honorable duty, defending both my country and my fellow countryman.
