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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
HugoWoodcock
New Member
I wish I could edit the above post to reflect my final corrections/changes instead of posting the whole thing again. Any moderators around willing to do a quick cut/paste, i.e. delete the last SoP and paste this one over it? Much obliged, thank you.
I feel it is my patriotic duty to join the U.S. Navy and give back to my country for the opportunities afforded me. The freedom I enjoy, the education I received, and the American standard of living would not have been possible if my family did not risk life and limb to escape Vietnam and come here. After my senior year at U.C. Berkeley I accepted a two year teaching assignment at the University of Hue through a Stanford program. Whatever doubts I had about the diaspora were dispelled after living in Vietnam. The wisdom of my parents' choice to flee to the United States was confirmed when I saw the daily struggle of the people around me, and the basic things I had previously taken for granted were not even an option for them. This gross disparity inspired me to want to become an officer in the Navy, give my contribution to help protect and extend the institutions enshrined in our Constitution, and be a part of something greater than myself.
I first started taking on various leadership roles in high school while holding office in student government, extracurricular clubs, as well as founding and launching a team in the regional Academic Decathlon -- winning medals in our first year of competition. I was proud of our medals because we were a ragtag team of immigrants competing against schools with long established programs. There were times I felt like quitting because I got tired of trying to rally a freshman team, help people overcome their differences, and motivate apathetic members into performing their best. However, during the assembly after our return from the competition, I saw the school pride on the students’ faces and felt vindicated that all the hard work was worthwhile. This continued in college as I learned more team-building skills as a NCAA coxswain for the U.C. Berkeley Men's Crew team in both heavyweight and lightweight divisions, and later on in master's club rowing. The coaches drilled into my head that I was responsible first and foremost for the oarsmen’s safety, the equipment second, the game plan third, and coxing fourth, but never forgetting to steer the boat and winning at the finish line! We all played a crucial role in the shell’s operation, and in a winning team, there was no place for conceit. Despite the daily grueling 5 A.M. and 5 P.M. practices, regatta schedules, morale building events, full class loads and short tempers, I have yet to feel that sense of camaraderie again with a group of guys. It was pure teamwork in action and we bonded over shared hardship. Not everybody became friends, but we respected each other’s contributions, and put our distractions aside when we hit the water to get the job done.
After college, I lectured at the University of Hue and was responsible for all my lesson plans, materials, and mentoring 250 students. I taught language pedagogy and was proficient in public speaking. My classes averaged between forty to eighty students. It was a difficult time for me, not because I had not lived abroad before, but because of all the inequity and hardship I witnessed before me. The worst part was yet to come in my classroom. Hue was struck by a massive deluge that flooded the whole central region of Vietnam for weeks. When classes resumed, seven of my students were missing because they had died in the disaster. I was not prepared or qualified to be a grief counselor; but I had to present a strong façade to my students, and help them weather the remainder of the term. In private I felt numb and cried for their loss. There was also massive corruption in the system and most of the international aid never made it to the needy. I hated feeling powerless, so I managed to convince my parents and other relatives in California to send several hundred dollars in help. Many grade school kids could not return to school because they lost all their school supplies in the flood. I used that money to purchase two hundred cases of notebooks and pens, and donated anonymously to the university towards distribution to elementary schools.
In conclusion, I chose the Navy over the other branches because the ocean has always been a transfigurative force in my life. I also want to make a new start by breaking from the past. The last five years I have dedicated my life to helping my mother recover from my brother’s untimely death. I interrupted my M.A. program, and gave her all my strength because that was what she needed. I have also taken out the time to mourn, and now that both of us are back on our feet, I have returned to school and will complete my degree by August. After much soul searching I found courage to accept change and fully commit to a new career path in the armed forces. If living, Alan would have turned 18 this year and graduated from his military academy near Oceanside; he dreamed about attending Westpoint or Annapolis. I hope to honor his memory by the quality of my service, if accepted into the Navy, and have faith the examples above provide an adequate glimpse of my character. Below is a bulleted list of skills I bring to the table and can offer the military:
• In corporate jobs, have practice being a team leader, project manager, and supervisor.
• An accomplished background in international experience; trilingual fluency; over fifteen years living abroad in 26 countries; an education from the top universities in America and Germany; industry training and hands on knowledge of information technology; a professional demeanor and strong work ethic; as well as the mental flexibility and maturity to quickly make balanced decisions and pursue a steady course of action.
• Good at languages and want to learn Mandarin. My international education also allows me to adapt and work well in foreign locations or control centers easily and efficiently with minimal downtime or culture shock.
• A strong interest in the Navy's intelligence community, particularly in the areas of information warfare and network security. I am a techie and really enjoy resolving computer network issues and software/hardware conflicts. Am talented at system and network administration, and my present foundation in information technology might be useful to the military.
• Have expertise in PowerPoint. Possess comprehensive training and proficiency in critical thinking and analytical analysis from my ten + years in academia studying geography and literature. Excel at discerning the various nuances of complex systems and situations and am skilled at contextualizing their importance within a larger framework.
• Am a focused, grounded individual who enjoys being a team player, and strive to be cooperative, consistent, communicative, and easy to be around. The military's strong work ethos and family values are characteristics I find admirable, and integrate well with my advertence towards integrity, decorum, and optimism.
Thank you for considering my application to become an Officer Candidate in the United States Navy.
I feel it is my patriotic duty to join the U.S. Navy and give back to my country for the opportunities afforded me. The freedom I enjoy, the education I received, and the American standard of living would not have been possible if my family did not risk life and limb to escape Vietnam and come here. After my senior year at U.C. Berkeley I accepted a two year teaching assignment at the University of Hue through a Stanford program. Whatever doubts I had about the diaspora were dispelled after living in Vietnam. The wisdom of my parents' choice to flee to the United States was confirmed when I saw the daily struggle of the people around me, and the basic things I had previously taken for granted were not even an option for them. This gross disparity inspired me to want to become an officer in the Navy, give my contribution to help protect and extend the institutions enshrined in our Constitution, and be a part of something greater than myself.
I first started taking on various leadership roles in high school while holding office in student government, extracurricular clubs, as well as founding and launching a team in the regional Academic Decathlon -- winning medals in our first year of competition. I was proud of our medals because we were a ragtag team of immigrants competing against schools with long established programs. There were times I felt like quitting because I got tired of trying to rally a freshman team, help people overcome their differences, and motivate apathetic members into performing their best. However, during the assembly after our return from the competition, I saw the school pride on the students’ faces and felt vindicated that all the hard work was worthwhile. This continued in college as I learned more team-building skills as a NCAA coxswain for the U.C. Berkeley Men's Crew team in both heavyweight and lightweight divisions, and later on in master's club rowing. The coaches drilled into my head that I was responsible first and foremost for the oarsmen’s safety, the equipment second, the game plan third, and coxing fourth, but never forgetting to steer the boat and winning at the finish line! We all played a crucial role in the shell’s operation, and in a winning team, there was no place for conceit. Despite the daily grueling 5 A.M. and 5 P.M. practices, regatta schedules, morale building events, full class loads and short tempers, I have yet to feel that sense of camaraderie again with a group of guys. It was pure teamwork in action and we bonded over shared hardship. Not everybody became friends, but we respected each other’s contributions, and put our distractions aside when we hit the water to get the job done.
After college, I lectured at the University of Hue and was responsible for all my lesson plans, materials, and mentoring 250 students. I taught language pedagogy and was proficient in public speaking. My classes averaged between forty to eighty students. It was a difficult time for me, not because I had not lived abroad before, but because of all the inequity and hardship I witnessed before me. The worst part was yet to come in my classroom. Hue was struck by a massive deluge that flooded the whole central region of Vietnam for weeks. When classes resumed, seven of my students were missing because they had died in the disaster. I was not prepared or qualified to be a grief counselor; but I had to present a strong façade to my students, and help them weather the remainder of the term. In private I felt numb and cried for their loss. There was also massive corruption in the system and most of the international aid never made it to the needy. I hated feeling powerless, so I managed to convince my parents and other relatives in California to send several hundred dollars in help. Many grade school kids could not return to school because they lost all their school supplies in the flood. I used that money to purchase two hundred cases of notebooks and pens, and donated anonymously to the university towards distribution to elementary schools.
In conclusion, I chose the Navy over the other branches because the ocean has always been a transfigurative force in my life. I also want to make a new start by breaking from the past. The last five years I have dedicated my life to helping my mother recover from my brother’s untimely death. I interrupted my M.A. program, and gave her all my strength because that was what she needed. I have also taken out the time to mourn, and now that both of us are back on our feet, I have returned to school and will complete my degree by August. After much soul searching I found courage to accept change and fully commit to a new career path in the armed forces. If living, Alan would have turned 18 this year and graduated from his military academy near Oceanside; he dreamed about attending Westpoint or Annapolis. I hope to honor his memory by the quality of my service, if accepted into the Navy, and have faith the examples above provide an adequate glimpse of my character. Below is a bulleted list of skills I bring to the table and can offer the military:
• In corporate jobs, have practice being a team leader, project manager, and supervisor.
• An accomplished background in international experience; trilingual fluency; over fifteen years living abroad in 26 countries; an education from the top universities in America and Germany; industry training and hands on knowledge of information technology; a professional demeanor and strong work ethic; as well as the mental flexibility and maturity to quickly make balanced decisions and pursue a steady course of action.
• Good at languages and want to learn Mandarin. My international education also allows me to adapt and work well in foreign locations or control centers easily and efficiently with minimal downtime or culture shock.
• A strong interest in the Navy's intelligence community, particularly in the areas of information warfare and network security. I am a techie and really enjoy resolving computer network issues and software/hardware conflicts. Am talented at system and network administration, and my present foundation in information technology might be useful to the military.
• Have expertise in PowerPoint. Possess comprehensive training and proficiency in critical thinking and analytical analysis from my ten + years in academia studying geography and literature. Excel at discerning the various nuances of complex systems and situations and am skilled at contextualizing their importance within a larger framework.
• Am a focused, grounded individual who enjoys being a team player, and strive to be cooperative, consistent, communicative, and easy to be around. The military's strong work ethos and family values are characteristics I find admirable, and integrate well with my advertence towards integrity, decorum, and optimism.
Thank you for considering my application to become an Officer Candidate in the United States Navy.
RiseR 25
Well-Known Member
Cahunt33,
Good points made in your motivational statement. You demonstrate that you like to lead, and aren't just doing it because you feel compelled to.
The beginning paragraph is a little hard to understand. It's ok to say that you only recently thought about the Navy, but I would omit the part of suggesting the service to others. Not that there is anything wrong with the statement, just that ALL officer accession programs like to see their officer candidates show "nearly" unquestionable commitment to that service and that officer program. I know that it is a hard concept to think of sometimes, but it's usually what their looking for.
If you have any questions about it, your recruiter should be more than happy to also take a look at it. I know that I've shown my statement to this forum and my officer recruiter, and I've gotten different views all around.
If your goal is aviation, be sure to communicate that. You already have the leadership abilities, I can tell that from the writing. Good luck.
Good points made in your motivational statement. You demonstrate that you like to lead, and aren't just doing it because you feel compelled to.
The beginning paragraph is a little hard to understand. It's ok to say that you only recently thought about the Navy, but I would omit the part of suggesting the service to others. Not that there is anything wrong with the statement, just that ALL officer accession programs like to see their officer candidates show "nearly" unquestionable commitment to that service and that officer program. I know that it is a hard concept to think of sometimes, but it's usually what their looking for.
If you have any questions about it, your recruiter should be more than happy to also take a look at it. I know that I've shown my statement to this forum and my officer recruiter, and I've gotten different views all around.
If your goal is aviation, be sure to communicate that. You already have the leadership abilities, I can tell that from the writing. Good luck.
TolgaK
PRO REC SNA!
I have already been PRO-REC'd, and had a very high ASTB score. I don't know how much this statement helped, but I figure I post it for others to see as an example. The idea was to show how my life experiences shaped my personality in a way that leads to nothing else but service as an Aviator in the Navy. In a few sentences, I tried to show that I am more than a GPA. I have no indoctrinated beliefs nor family veterans to have shaped my motivation like so many others do.
I was clueless about my life goals when I made a commitment to myself: find something amazing to do, and be proud of it.
The unique culture of the United States made this possible. I became a leader, who could coordinate dozens of teammates and strangers with paintball markers and a replica tank to flush opponents out of strategic positions. I became a follower, who would rehearse with full intensity to ensure a good performance for Drum and Bugle Corps audiences on summer nights. I became a teacher, the first face for many on their ways to careers as professional pilots. I became self-sufficient, using planning and nerves to take passengers through unforgiving Alaska skies. I became a calm professional, capable of overcoming life-threatening malfunctions of parachutes in free fall.
Above all, I have failed. I had an abysmal start to my time in college. The failures taught me how to adjust my focus and motivation, to ignore negative feelings, and to push forward to success. My cumulative GPA is not ideal, but it is my ability to push forward that brought it up from an incredible low.
The United States Navy has been a constant source of inspiration to me. At one point I considered enlisting to become a SEAL. That year I achieved an incredible level of fitness. Every time I watch the Blue Angels perform, it moves me to improve my piloting skills with hopes of one day sitting in their seats. I see the level of professionalism and precision that each Sailor displays every day, and apply that mentality to my own behavior.
The United States is responsible for the personality and life experience I am proud to have today. It is now my responsibility as an American to return the favor.
I have a life-long passion for aviation, teamwork, and perseverance. I have a strongly developed desire to serve the United States. I live to inspire others to do great things. I intend to combine these drives as a Naval Aviator. I know the road is long and full of obstacles, that failure can forever take away this dream, and that the lives of fellow Americans will be in my hands on a regular basis. I am confident that I have no greater desire in life than to face the challenges that the Navy offers in my service of the United States.
I was clueless about my life goals when I made a commitment to myself: find something amazing to do, and be proud of it.
The unique culture of the United States made this possible. I became a leader, who could coordinate dozens of teammates and strangers with paintball markers and a replica tank to flush opponents out of strategic positions. I became a follower, who would rehearse with full intensity to ensure a good performance for Drum and Bugle Corps audiences on summer nights. I became a teacher, the first face for many on their ways to careers as professional pilots. I became self-sufficient, using planning and nerves to take passengers through unforgiving Alaska skies. I became a calm professional, capable of overcoming life-threatening malfunctions of parachutes in free fall.
Above all, I have failed. I had an abysmal start to my time in college. The failures taught me how to adjust my focus and motivation, to ignore negative feelings, and to push forward to success. My cumulative GPA is not ideal, but it is my ability to push forward that brought it up from an incredible low.
The United States Navy has been a constant source of inspiration to me. At one point I considered enlisting to become a SEAL. That year I achieved an incredible level of fitness. Every time I watch the Blue Angels perform, it moves me to improve my piloting skills with hopes of one day sitting in their seats. I see the level of professionalism and precision that each Sailor displays every day, and apply that mentality to my own behavior.
The United States is responsible for the personality and life experience I am proud to have today. It is now my responsibility as an American to return the favor.
I have a life-long passion for aviation, teamwork, and perseverance. I have a strongly developed desire to serve the United States. I live to inspire others to do great things. I intend to combine these drives as a Naval Aviator. I know the road is long and full of obstacles, that failure can forever take away this dream, and that the lives of fellow Americans will be in my hands on a regular basis. I am confident that I have no greater desire in life than to face the challenges that the Navy offers in my service of the United States.
ShadeofRed
Member
While browsing these forums it's become painfully obvious that my ASTB scores were dreadful, and my selection to SNFO must have been a combination of my LoR and MS, so I thought I would post my MS here in hopes that it can be helpful to others who are struggling with putting their thoughts to paper.
Nine years ago I was accepted into one of the most elite forces of the USN, the submarine force. There I learned many things. I learned what it takes to put in an eighty hour work week in order to ensure your boat can deploy on time and be 100% mission capable. I learned what it meant to serve with your fellow man and to know, that if need be, I could trust my life to him and his to me. I also learned the stark contrast between someone that is a true leader and someone that is just in charge. My life prior to the Navy had exposed me to the latter, where in the civilian sector I had jobs. However, these jobs were lacking true leadership, merely maintained by someone in charge. It took my enlistment into the Navy to learn what a true leader is, a leader is someone that cares about his sailors in the truest sense, helping them understand the unknown, both in career and in life. A leader can balance the needs of his men while concurrently ensuring his unit will be ready to deploy and carry out all assigned tasking while maintaining a personal standard of excellence to be emulated. A leader knows the importance of putting ship and service first, before self, arguably the hardest lesson for a junior sailor to learn. Through my four years aboard the USS Chicago, I was fortunate to be exposed to some of the greatest leaders the Navy has to offer. As the rank hierarchy is slightly more relaxed on a submarine, I was able to receive personal insight from not only chief and division officer, but department head, XO, and on more than one occasion, my captain. These personal interactions meant the world to me as a young sailor thrust into a demanding and foreign environment. To this day, I have not forgotten the impact this guidance has had on me both professionally and personally. Without this wealth of knowledge and support I would have never been able to have advanced to E-5 in three years of service. My division chief challenged me and ensured I would perform to the best of my ability. When I had completed my personal in-port and at-sea junior and senior watch qualifications, it was this leadership that pushed me to qualify outside of my division. This motivation created a situation where I was the only SECF (Submarine Electronics Computer Field) rate to qualify VLS operator. Even as a junior sailor, I relished having the answers to tough questions, and being an intricate and pivotal part of our mission readiness.
It was Fall of 2005 when I first realized my passion for Naval Aviation. We were running local ops preparing for our Western Pacific deployment, when I was exposed to the P-3 Orion for the first time. Being a Firecontrol Technician, I was fortunate to have been one of the few boats at the time equipped with the AN/BYG-1 Combat Control System. That system included multiple digital representations of the periscope optics, allowing me to experience firsthand the tenacity of our pursuers. I remember my heart racing as we attempted to elude detection of both the surface fleet and the unrelenting sonabuoys being deployed. While this evolution was taking place, I found myself captivated with the autonomous work load of the P-3 crew. Their mission success or failure was dependent upon the meticulous execution of their training as a lone unit. I strive for that kind of responsibility. I know that given the opportunity I can and will serve honorably and with great distinction, maintaining composure under the most stressful circumstances while serving my country as a Naval Aviator.
I applied Pilot/NFO/SWO in the December'12 boards and was accepted to NFO/SWO. I spent quite a few days on this, my first draft was much larger. I utilizied my university writing lab as well as an English graduate student friend of mine. If I could give any advice it would be to read, re-read, and read aloud your MS....I hope this helps.
Nine years ago I was accepted into one of the most elite forces of the USN, the submarine force. There I learned many things. I learned what it takes to put in an eighty hour work week in order to ensure your boat can deploy on time and be 100% mission capable. I learned what it meant to serve with your fellow man and to know, that if need be, I could trust my life to him and his to me. I also learned the stark contrast between someone that is a true leader and someone that is just in charge. My life prior to the Navy had exposed me to the latter, where in the civilian sector I had jobs. However, these jobs were lacking true leadership, merely maintained by someone in charge. It took my enlistment into the Navy to learn what a true leader is, a leader is someone that cares about his sailors in the truest sense, helping them understand the unknown, both in career and in life. A leader can balance the needs of his men while concurrently ensuring his unit will be ready to deploy and carry out all assigned tasking while maintaining a personal standard of excellence to be emulated. A leader knows the importance of putting ship and service first, before self, arguably the hardest lesson for a junior sailor to learn. Through my four years aboard the USS Chicago, I was fortunate to be exposed to some of the greatest leaders the Navy has to offer. As the rank hierarchy is slightly more relaxed on a submarine, I was able to receive personal insight from not only chief and division officer, but department head, XO, and on more than one occasion, my captain. These personal interactions meant the world to me as a young sailor thrust into a demanding and foreign environment. To this day, I have not forgotten the impact this guidance has had on me both professionally and personally. Without this wealth of knowledge and support I would have never been able to have advanced to E-5 in three years of service. My division chief challenged me and ensured I would perform to the best of my ability. When I had completed my personal in-port and at-sea junior and senior watch qualifications, it was this leadership that pushed me to qualify outside of my division. This motivation created a situation where I was the only SECF (Submarine Electronics Computer Field) rate to qualify VLS operator. Even as a junior sailor, I relished having the answers to tough questions, and being an intricate and pivotal part of our mission readiness.
It was Fall of 2005 when I first realized my passion for Naval Aviation. We were running local ops preparing for our Western Pacific deployment, when I was exposed to the P-3 Orion for the first time. Being a Firecontrol Technician, I was fortunate to have been one of the few boats at the time equipped with the AN/BYG-1 Combat Control System. That system included multiple digital representations of the periscope optics, allowing me to experience firsthand the tenacity of our pursuers. I remember my heart racing as we attempted to elude detection of both the surface fleet and the unrelenting sonabuoys being deployed. While this evolution was taking place, I found myself captivated with the autonomous work load of the P-3 crew. Their mission success or failure was dependent upon the meticulous execution of their training as a lone unit. I strive for that kind of responsibility. I know that given the opportunity I can and will serve honorably and with great distinction, maintaining composure under the most stressful circumstances while serving my country as a Naval Aviator.
I applied Pilot/NFO/SWO in the December'12 boards and was accepted to NFO/SWO. I spent quite a few days on this, my first draft was much larger. I utilizied my university writing lab as well as an English graduate student friend of mine. If I could give any advice it would be to read, re-read, and read aloud your MS....I hope this helps.
Xin Xia
Pro-Rec Supply Corp
Hey ShadeofRed, first of all Congrats on your selection. I am also currently AD in the Navy. My package would go to the March NFO Board, if the Jan Supply Board did not pick me up. Do you mind share your ASTB status, and possible what levels of LOR's you got? Thank you man.
Here is some of my status.
ASTB 59 5/4/5
Rank/Rate AT3
Eval MP (that is my only eval, less than 2 years in)
LOR's O-5 Supply, O-4 Pilot (2), O-4 Supply, O-3 NFO, O-3 AMDO
ShadeofRed
Member
No, I don’t mind at all. ASTB 53/5/5/5 (First attempt, recruiter recommended I run with it). I separated E-5 after 5 years, this was around the time I was eligible for my first E-6 exam. I separated and got my bachelors at UNLV. My three LoR were current employer which I maintained throughout school, my Constitutional Law professor who was on the selection board of Sam Boyd law school (briefly considered), and my third and I think most influential was from my former LCPO who went LDO and is currently a squadron WEPS in Hawaii. All were very well written and spoke highly of me. All of my evals were MP or better. None lower than 3.0 which was the default eval given @ subschool. In fact one of my last evals specifically stated "would be well suited for any commissioning program".
So that's pretty much it, my package in a nutshell.
edit: I don't suppose I need to say this but I've maintained a clean criminal record while separated, along with no NJP while AD.
Xin Xia
Pro-Rec Supply Corp
Wow, Hawaii. I am actually stationed in Hawaii. What is that LDO's name? I just might know him myself. I also have a clean record, hope to get picked up. Hahaha. Once again, Congrats on your selection.
ShadeofRed
Member
Thanks, I doubt it if you aren't subs. But his name is LT Pagano, pretty much the most influential person I've ever worked for.
Xin Xia
Pro-Rec Supply Corp
ok, I see. I am in Aviation. Hope the good news come soon. lol
Hello Air Warriors community. I have written a second rough draft of my MS and would love any and all feedback on it. Currently, I am right on the limit so I would not be able to add anything without first removing or rewriting sections. Thank you in advance.
The motivating factors for joining the United States Navy include unique travel opportunities and experiences, career paths that pertain to my interests and skills, the want to serve in the military, the opportunity to learn from and lead a diverse and unique group of individuals, to become part of a team that only a small percentage of the population will ever join, to operate in an environment that many would not subject themselves to or volunteer for, and because of family history with my grandfather serving in the Navy as a Radio Technician aboard a Mine Sweeper during the Korean War. While having participated in the Army Reserve Officers Training Corps at North Georgia College and State University, the military service that most interests me, and the service that will likely benefit most from what I have to offer is the United States Navy.
Having lived all of my life away from water, in the middle of Georgia, with very little opportunity to travel abroad and experience life on the great bodies of water, I find the Navy provides this unique opportunity. While the other military services provide similar top notch training and opportunities for leadership development and growth, businesses tend to hire more Navy personnel than from any other service. I do not have any statistics to back this claim up, but while at The University of Georgia, I had the chance to converse with executives, partners, and managers and I asked them if they tended to hire potential employees that had served in the military and if so which service or services. Nearly all mentioned the Navy as the top service they hire employees from. Having a business degree in Management Information Systems and the knowledge that the training Navy personnel receive is in great demand in the private sector further boosted my interests in the Navy. Beyond having a business degree and some computer science knowledge, on the side, I am also greatly interested in Physics which has also played a significant role in my decision to join the Navy as the Navy is known for its love of science and technology.
The final motivating factor, mentioned above, is family history. My grandfather on my father’s side served during the Korean War. Typically, when one mentions a family member who served, there are wonderful stories shared which gives an insight into why the person decides to follow in that family members footsteps. Unfortunately, my grandfather died of cancer in 2000 when I was only eleven years old. He never told stories of his life in the Navy, or at least none I can remember. The only references to him serving in the Navy were from photographs and my grandmother sharing stories of how they met, and how she became an educated woman thanks to the other Navy wives that lived on the naval base. Even though I never had the chance to hear his stories, I find serving in the Navy one of the best ways to honor his memory.
With the above mentioning the value that the Navy can offer me, there is value I can bring to the Navy as well. First and foremost is leadership experience. During my two years of Army ROTC I had many opportunities to lead others from drill to field training exercises. As a squad leader, I mentored and trained new freshman cadets in a week long boot camp known as Freshman Recruit Orientation Group Week (FROG Week). One of the measurements of leadership performance was the mid-week Drill Inspection which was a competition to see which squad leader had the best drilled squad members. The squad I led came in second overall out of about fifteen squads. While a member of the Ranger Challenge Co-Curricular Organization, I helped lead team two, or the younger team, to a fourth place finish in the first annual Bold Leadership Challenge held in Fort Knox. The competition pitted all six of the senior military colleges against each other in a fifteen mile course that had twelve events scattered over the entire distance. It required teams, in full combat gear, to use land navigation techniques to move from one event to the next, and to finish in a time of seven hours or less. While we placed fourth overall and started the course fourth, we were the first team to finish. In the Corps, as a sophomore, I was selected to join the Scabbard and Blade Military Honor Society, which is very rare for a sophomore. The society consisted of members selected by previous members and the ROTC Staff as leaders in the Corps of Cadets who best exemplified the characteristics of a great future officer for the Army. The members of this organization were also considered the leaders and the standard bearers of the Corps and were tasked with special details which included public relations, inspectors during Command Inspections (CIP), and the intermediaries between the military science staff and the Corps. As President of The University of Georgia Cycling Club, I lead the club to a successful year as we became the first cycling team in four years to host a home road race, and managed to do it within the set budget. We ended up making a profit from hosting the race too. With these past leadership experiences, I believe the Navy will have a great leader they can rely on and trust.
Another key value I add is the never-ending search for knowledge and education. Before college I had studied computer programming languages. Today, while I study many different topics, the two I have focused on most are economics and physics. As a firm believer in the fact that education is a life-long process, I am never content with the limited knowledge I possess and always seek to know and understand more. I believe the Navy will find this an invaluable quality because a Navy officer should have the self-motivation and dedication to learn not only about their job, but the job of those above and under them, and to be able to apply this knowledge in many different situations.
The final value I would like to touch on is the ability to adapt to changes. During my time as a student worker at the Terry College of Business Office of Information Technology, I had to adapt to changes every day. Working in the information technology field there is a lot of information one must learn and process especially when it comes to troubleshooting issues. In many cases I found that I did not have the specific knowledge of how to solve a particular problem, but I applied the knowledge I knew with what was given in the situation and, many times, was able to overcome the knowledge gap and solve the problem. During my Scabbard and Blade initiation FTX, as a sophomore, I had not had yet had the proper training in map reading and land navigation, but was tasked during the night to lead the squad to the site where we would set up our patrol base. Having only a map, compass, red light, and a protractor I plotted a course to what I believed was the location of the given coordinates. Through thick brush, over newly created streams created by the falling rain, and under strong tree branches, I led the squad to the specified destination. Plans constantly change during war and the Navy needs leaders who can adapt and be decisive in order to save lives and complete the mission.
There would be no greater privilege than to serve as an officer in the United States Navy. It has been a dream in progress which is on the verge of becoming a reality. I thank you for your time and hope that you will consider me as a future Navy officer.
The motivating factors for joining the United States Navy include unique travel opportunities and experiences, career paths that pertain to my interests and skills, the want to serve in the military, the opportunity to learn from and lead a diverse and unique group of individuals, to become part of a team that only a small percentage of the population will ever join, to operate in an environment that many would not subject themselves to or volunteer for, and because of family history with my grandfather serving in the Navy as a Radio Technician aboard a Mine Sweeper during the Korean War. While having participated in the Army Reserve Officers Training Corps at North Georgia College and State University, the military service that most interests me, and the service that will likely benefit most from what I have to offer is the United States Navy.
Having lived all of my life away from water, in the middle of Georgia, with very little opportunity to travel abroad and experience life on the great bodies of water, I find the Navy provides this unique opportunity. While the other military services provide similar top notch training and opportunities for leadership development and growth, businesses tend to hire more Navy personnel than from any other service. I do not have any statistics to back this claim up, but while at The University of Georgia, I had the chance to converse with executives, partners, and managers and I asked them if they tended to hire potential employees that had served in the military and if so which service or services. Nearly all mentioned the Navy as the top service they hire employees from. Having a business degree in Management Information Systems and the knowledge that the training Navy personnel receive is in great demand in the private sector further boosted my interests in the Navy. Beyond having a business degree and some computer science knowledge, on the side, I am also greatly interested in Physics which has also played a significant role in my decision to join the Navy as the Navy is known for its love of science and technology.
The final motivating factor, mentioned above, is family history. My grandfather on my father’s side served during the Korean War. Typically, when one mentions a family member who served, there are wonderful stories shared which gives an insight into why the person decides to follow in that family members footsteps. Unfortunately, my grandfather died of cancer in 2000 when I was only eleven years old. He never told stories of his life in the Navy, or at least none I can remember. The only references to him serving in the Navy were from photographs and my grandmother sharing stories of how they met, and how she became an educated woman thanks to the other Navy wives that lived on the naval base. Even though I never had the chance to hear his stories, I find serving in the Navy one of the best ways to honor his memory.
With the above mentioning the value that the Navy can offer me, there is value I can bring to the Navy as well. First and foremost is leadership experience. During my two years of Army ROTC I had many opportunities to lead others from drill to field training exercises. As a squad leader, I mentored and trained new freshman cadets in a week long boot camp known as Freshman Recruit Orientation Group Week (FROG Week). One of the measurements of leadership performance was the mid-week Drill Inspection which was a competition to see which squad leader had the best drilled squad members. The squad I led came in second overall out of about fifteen squads. While a member of the Ranger Challenge Co-Curricular Organization, I helped lead team two, or the younger team, to a fourth place finish in the first annual Bold Leadership Challenge held in Fort Knox. The competition pitted all six of the senior military colleges against each other in a fifteen mile course that had twelve events scattered over the entire distance. It required teams, in full combat gear, to use land navigation techniques to move from one event to the next, and to finish in a time of seven hours or less. While we placed fourth overall and started the course fourth, we were the first team to finish. In the Corps, as a sophomore, I was selected to join the Scabbard and Blade Military Honor Society, which is very rare for a sophomore. The society consisted of members selected by previous members and the ROTC Staff as leaders in the Corps of Cadets who best exemplified the characteristics of a great future officer for the Army. The members of this organization were also considered the leaders and the standard bearers of the Corps and were tasked with special details which included public relations, inspectors during Command Inspections (CIP), and the intermediaries between the military science staff and the Corps. As President of The University of Georgia Cycling Club, I lead the club to a successful year as we became the first cycling team in four years to host a home road race, and managed to do it within the set budget. We ended up making a profit from hosting the race too. With these past leadership experiences, I believe the Navy will have a great leader they can rely on and trust.
Another key value I add is the never-ending search for knowledge and education. Before college I had studied computer programming languages. Today, while I study many different topics, the two I have focused on most are economics and physics. As a firm believer in the fact that education is a life-long process, I am never content with the limited knowledge I possess and always seek to know and understand more. I believe the Navy will find this an invaluable quality because a Navy officer should have the self-motivation and dedication to learn not only about their job, but the job of those above and under them, and to be able to apply this knowledge in many different situations.
The final value I would like to touch on is the ability to adapt to changes. During my time as a student worker at the Terry College of Business Office of Information Technology, I had to adapt to changes every day. Working in the information technology field there is a lot of information one must learn and process especially when it comes to troubleshooting issues. In many cases I found that I did not have the specific knowledge of how to solve a particular problem, but I applied the knowledge I knew with what was given in the situation and, many times, was able to overcome the knowledge gap and solve the problem. During my Scabbard and Blade initiation FTX, as a sophomore, I had not had yet had the proper training in map reading and land navigation, but was tasked during the night to lead the squad to the site where we would set up our patrol base. Having only a map, compass, red light, and a protractor I plotted a course to what I believed was the location of the given coordinates. Through thick brush, over newly created streams created by the falling rain, and under strong tree branches, I led the squad to the specified destination. Plans constantly change during war and the Navy needs leaders who can adapt and be decisive in order to save lives and complete the mission.
There would be no greater privilege than to serve as an officer in the United States Navy. It has been a dream in progress which is on the verge of becoming a reality. I thank you for your time and hope that you will consider me as a future Navy officer.
TolgaK
PRO REC SNA!
Unless I'm mistaken or the standard is different elsewhere, I remember the limit being 400 words, not 1400.
In any case, keep in mind that the board has a few hundred applications to go through. Even though a limit may be high, less is more. There are ways to cut down your points into more concise descriptions of exactly who you are. It looks like your statement is structured around the "5 Paragraph Essay" with extra length. It's a great way to organize your thoughts, but it is not the ideal format when you are limited with words. Each of your paragraphs has a long and very detailed account of individual events which explain your motivations or credentials. They are impressive, but tiring to read. The validation of your statements is lost in the excess.
For example: Your family history statement can be shortened to a few sentences in this manner:
"My grandfather was a sailor during the Korean war. He never spoke of his military career to me before he passed away. My grandmother honored his memory by sharing his life stories with me. I would like to honor my grandfather by serving in the Navy."
It doesn't go into the details of how old you were and the year of his death. It doesn't have to. I believe one can better express oneself through phrasing and vocabulary instead of in depth descriptions of numbers, dates, and relationships. The text, 46 words (instead of your 149), is just as indicative of your fondness for your grandfather and your motivation to serve, but leaves you more room for other points. You also mentioned that he never told you stories of the Navy on two separate occasions. It only needs to be said once.
If you prioritize passion instead of history, I think you will have a much more effective MS.
ShadeofRed
Member
Paragraphs 4, 5, and 6 are extremly muddled. Personally I would simply remove P6 all together, touch upon your ability to adapt elsewhere. Also I would advise against telling the board what they already know, i.e. "the navy needs leaders who can adapt and be decisive" rather tell them that you are these things.
Also, I would remove the "the Navy would benefit most from my skills..."
Please, please, please remove the section where you speak to civilian companies hireing more Naval personel than other branches, which you promptly follow with "I have nothing to back this up..." it reads terribly.
Also, I would remove the "the Navy would benefit most from my skills..."
Please, please, please remove the section where you speak to civilian companies hireing more Naval personel than other branches, which you promptly follow with "I have nothing to back this up..." it reads terribly.
ShadeofRed
Member
That is the maximum allowable length. I would guesstimate it between 12 and 1400 words.
TolgaK
PRO REC SNA!
Understood. The number 400 got stuck in my head somehow, which is why my statement is short.