Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[jtgaut17]

First off, I would like to thank TolgaK and ShadeofRed from their feedback on my previous rough draft. I have taken this feedback into consideration and with the exception of the first paragraph, I have reworked the entire statement. Here I post my latest revision. If anyone can be so kind as to provide feedback on this latest revision, I would be truly grateful. Thank you.

The motivating factors for joining the United States Navy include unique travel opportunities and experiences, career paths that pertain to my interests and skills, the want to serve in the military, the opportunity to learn from and lead a diverse and unique group of individuals, to become part of a team that only a small percentage of the population will ever join, to operate in an environment that many would not subject themselves to or volunteer for, and because of family history with my grandfather serving in the Navy as a Radio Technician aboard a Mine Sweeper during the Korean War. While having participated in the Army Reserve Officers Training Corps at North Georgia College and State University, the military service that most interests me, and the service that will likely benefit most from what I have to offer is the United States Navy. Not only do I want to join the United States Navy, I want to be a Navy Officer. I believe the opportunities, challenges, and experiences of my past have prepared me for the responsibilities and role of a Navy Officer.

As a leader in Army ROTC, I was responsible for up to fifty cadets as an Academic Non-Commissioned Officer and up to thirty cadets as a platoon sergeant. While an Academic NCO, in cooperation with the Commandant of the Corps, I helped setup and oversee tutoring sessions for cadets struggling in their academics. On occasion, I would visit their professors to discuss areas that needed improvement, to inform them of Corps activities, and to discover new methodologies and approaches that could aid in the cadets educational development.

As a platoon sergeant, a position I held at the same time as my academic position, I was responsible for mentoring and preparing future Army Officers. In coordination with the platoon leader, I prepared and led physical training activities and the study and practical application of battle drills. I led platoon marching drills, and supervised squad marching drills within the platoon. My successes as a leader were recognized when I received an NCO of the Month award for my Battalion and a nomination for the Brigade NCO of the month. I also accepted membership into the Scabbard and Blade Military Honor Society as a sophomore. This organization consists of leaders in the Corps who best exemplifies the model Army Officer and is usually only open to juniors and seniors.

Upon transferring to The University of Georgia after two years in the Army ROTC program, I decided to change course and embark on new challenges and experiences. It was also at this time that I began further research into the other military services and decided on the path to join the Navy.

While at The University of Georgia, I took up a new sport known as cycling. Having no prior experience in the sport, my first year was all about learning the sport and getting familiar with the new environment. By the second year I had been nominated and voted in as President of the Cycling Club. Under my leadership and direction, and with a smaller budget than years past, we were able to host the first home road race in four years. We were able to do this under budget and ended up making a profit.

In academics, having studied programming languages as a young teenager, I held help sessions for other students taking the Management Information Systems programming course. After observing that many were struggling in their understanding of the programming logic and syntax from the one hour class, I took it upon myself to provide extra guidance and tutoring to those individuals in need.

For the last two years, I have made it my main objective to become a Navy Officer. I have a passion for learning from and mentoring others. Through self-motivation and dedication I strive every day to operate at my highest potential, and always seek to better myself and others. The Navy can expect nothing less than my unwavering commitment to its future successes. As a wonderful and unique opportunity, I look forward to a possible future in the United States Navy as a Navy Officer. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

[afsf1]

Would anyone be willing to give me some advice via PM? My statement seems to be on the lower end and I am seriously struggling with the 'fluff'

 

[afsf1]

I have already been PRO-REC'd, and had a very high ASTB score. I don't know how much this statement helped, but I figure I post it for others to see as an example. The idea was to show how my life experiences shaped my personality in a way that leads to nothing else but service as an Aviator in the Navy. In a few sentences, I tried to show that I am more than a GPA. I have no indoctrinated beliefs nor family veterans to have shaped my motivation like so many others do.



I was clueless about my life goals when I made a commitment to myself: find something amazing to do, and be proud of it.

The unique culture of the United States made this possible. I became a leader, who could coordinate dozens of teammates and strangers with paintball markers and a replica tank to flush opponents out of strategic positions. I became a follower, who would rehearse with full intensity to ensure a good performance for Drum and Bugle Corps audiences on summer nights. I became a teacher, the first face for many on their ways to careers as professional pilots. I became self-sufficient, using planning and nerves to take passengers through unforgiving Alaska skies. I became a calm professional, capable of overcoming life-threatening malfunctions of parachutes in free fall.

Above all, I have failed. I had an abysmal start to my time in college. The failures taught me how to adjust my focus and motivation, to ignore negative feelings, and to push forward to success. My cumulative GPA is not ideal, but it is my ability to push forward that brought it up from an incredible low.

The United States Navy has been a constant source of inspiration to me. At one point I considered enlisting to become a SEAL. That year I achieved an incredible level of fitness. Every time I watch the Blue Angels perform, it moves me to improve my piloting skills with hopes of one day sitting in their seats. I see the level of professionalism and precision that each Sailor displays every day, and apply that mentality to my own behavior.

The United States is responsible for the personality and life experience I am proud to have today. It is now my responsibility as an American to return the favor.
I have a life-long passion for aviation, teamwork, and perseverance. I have a strongly developed desire to serve the United States. I live to inspire others to do great things. I intend to combine these drives as a Naval Aviator. I know the road is long and full of obstacles, that failure can forever take away this dream, and that the lives of fellow Americans will be in my hands on a regular basis. I am confident that I have no greater desire in life than to face the challenges that the Navy offers in my service of the United States.

Tolgak, your statement and past few years seem very similar to mine (my fetish was Pararescue not SEAL though!). Very nicely done!

 

[afsf1]

Here is my statement; if anyone is willing to proof-read or criticize (be as brutal as can be; I am aware it is sub par and my writing skill is apparently not even close to where I thought it was). My main problem is including 'leadership fluff' into the essay (I have some leadership experience; most directly as a coach/assistant coach, and some other stuff that can be spun into leadership) in a meaningful way (It just seems like I am mentioning 'leadership' positions that is so trivial and irrelevant that it is not worth mentioning).

Thanks for any help!

"Having been raised by immigrant parents with strict anti-military sentiments, I must admit I have not given the Navy, or any military branch, much consideration as a serious career choice until relatively recently. My initial exposure to what a career as a Naval Officer truly entailed was from the various ROTC units at select Universities. Upon gathering as much information as possible about the different communities, missions, and lifestyles present within the Navy, my previous career goal of being a professional engineer quickly began to seem meaningless and dull, and as time passed these sentiments were only exaggerated.

There are several reasons why a career as a Naval Officer interests me deeply; the first being the opportunity to work with and lead young, motivated sailors in performing meaningful tasks and accomplishing objectives far out of any single man's reach. There are few things in life that are more rewarding, and having the opportunity to do this on a daily basis is not something I am willing to pass up. The next reason would be the Core Values of the USN; I believe I have lived by these throughout my life, and they are principles I believe every man should live by. It is difficult to quantify my adherence to these principles throughout my life, however I am convinced I have lived by them, and I only hope my references were able to convincingly portray this.

The final reason for my desire to become a Naval Officer is my hankering to be challenged on a daily basis, and to be able to feel truly satisfied with my work. Be it counseling a subordinate or driving a ship off the Chilean border, there is no doubt that at the end of many a day I will be exhausted and weary-eyed, but most importantly, I will be thankful I am there; working alongside motivated, hard-working men and women, defending the country that has done so much for both me and my family.

As naïve as it may be, I believe that many Naval Officers belong to a select group of people who are fortunate enough to be able to look forward to the following workday's challenges, and are willing to take those challenges head on. I believe the life of a Naval Officer is devoid of many of the plagues of the typical job, where many men spend their workdays yearning for the weekend, due to the intrinsic drive and love of the Navy present in many of the Officers. I hope to someday be able to join those ranks, as I truly cannot imagine doing anything else. "

 

[thedzer]

This is my first post to this site and I've been browsing it for what seems like an eternity. I just wanted to post my motivational statement rough draft and hoped to get some outside feedback on it. Thanks for your time if you care to read it and let me know what you think. I am submitting a package for the boards next month.

When my parents and teachers would ask children and students what they wanted to be when they grew up, I always thought it was a funny question. Does anyone actually know what they want to be when they are ten years old? When they’re sixteen? The irony of it all is that I found myself asking the same question towards the end of my collegiate career. I took a good, strong look at myself in the mirror and realized it was time to make a decision.

The semester was coming to a close and we were visiting my grandparents in Muncie, Indiana during the holiday break. While having lunch with my grandfather, I was looking through an old photo album of his and came to the page embedded with a set of dog tags. I asked him what his greatest memory was from his service during the Korean War and he simply pointed at an American flag on the wall and said, “That.” What he and I did not know at the time was that his answer to my question planted a desire deep inside of me that has been growing ever since.

Something that most people take for granted when we talk about our nation’s Veterans is the time, effort, devotion, and sacrifice it takes to volunteer your life entirely to serving this great country. I have always had the utmost respect for our Veterans and the millions of individuals who have been serving and defending our country since its inception. My desire to serve as an officer in the United States Navy grows stronger each and every day. I believe that an officer in the Navy should not only possess patriotism, but also a spirit of pride and adventure as a leader. I would not be submitting this packet before you today if I did not feel that I was ready to take on the role of a leader to some of our nation’s best and brightest. By holding various leadership positions throughout high school and college, my leadership skills have been tested, grown, and developed. On my path towards becoming a man, I have gained the managerial, organizational, and the communication skills necessary to both lead and to accomplish the tasks at hand. Not only does my interest in serving as an officer stem from the chance to lead, but I also look forward to developing and learning from the best that this world has to offer. It is not often that an adult can say they enjoy their careers, but there is nothing that I would rather do.

While coming to this realization, I have also failed myself along the way. There were a few semesters during my time as a college student where my performance was unsatisfactory. Because of necessary full time employment and the company I was involved in developing, I was caught off track from coursework. I am not here to make an excuse, but to show that I do not want the mistakes of my youth to define me as a man. I learned that failure is, oddly, a necessary part of the growth and development of a man and a leader. Not only have I learned from those mistakes, but I have also grown because of them. Thanks to those who served before us, we live in a country where people are granted other opportunities and there is no such thing as discontinuing the chase for your dream. There would be no greater honor than to have the chance to serve as an officer in the United States Navy. Thank you for taking the time and consideration while reviewing my application and most of all thank you for your service.

 

[ShadeofRed]

This is my first post to this site and I've been browsing it for what seems like an eternity. I just wanted to post my motivational statement rough draft and hoped to get some outside feedback on it. Thanks for your time if you care to read it and let me know what you think. I am submitting a package for the boards next month.

1. The phrase is "good, long look".
2. "The irony of it all", this paragraph isn't ironic.
3. Reword P3, leadership x2 is repetitive
4. Reword "chance to lead" to something more concrete like "a desire", also I wouldn't start the sentence off in the negative, i.e. "Not only" (multiple occurances)


Definitely needs some work.

 

[thedzer]

1. The phrase is "good, long look".
2. "The irony of it all", this paragraph isn't ironic.
3. Reword P3, leadership x2 is repetitive
4. Reword "chance to lead" to something more concrete like "a desire", also I wouldn't start the sentence off in the negative, i.e. "Not only" (multiple occurances)


Definitely needs some work.

Noted. Thanks for taking the time to read it for me.

 

[thedzer]

1. The phrase is "good, long look".
2. "The irony of it all", this paragraph isn't ironic.
3. Reword P3, leadership x2 is repetitive
4. Reword "chance to lead" to something more concrete like "a desire", also I wouldn't start the sentence off in the negative, i.e. "Not only" (multiple occurances)

Definitely needs some work.

I made some other changes, including some of the things you mentioned:

When parents and teachers would ask children and students what they wanted to be when they grew up, I always thought it was a funny question. Does anyone actually know what they want to be when they are ten years old? When they’re sixteen? I found myself asking the same question towards the end of my collegiate career. The semester was coming to a close and we were visiting my grandparents in Muncie, Indiana during the holiday break. While having lunch with my grandfather, I was looking through an old photo album of his and came to the page embedded with a set of dog tags. I asked him what his greatest memory was from his service during the Korean War and he simply pointed at an American flag on the wall and said, “That.” What he and I did not know at the time was that his answer to my question planted a desire deep inside of me that has been growing ever since.

Something that most people take for granted when we talk about our nation’s v troops and veterans is the time, effort, devotion, and sacrifice it takes to volunteer your life entirely to serving this great country. I have always had the utmost respect for them and the millions of individuals who have been serving and defending our country since its inception. My desire to serve as an officer in the United States Navy grows stronger each and every day. I believe that an officer in the Navy should possess patriotism, as well as the spirit of pride and adventure as a leader. I would not be submitting this packet before you today if I did not feel that I was ready to take on the role of a leader to some of our nation’s best and brightest. By holding various elected positions throughout high school and college, my skills as a leader have been grown, tested, and developed. On my path towards becoming a man, I have gained the managerial, organizational, and the communication skills necessary to both lead and to accomplish the tasks at hand. The commitment in my interest to serve as an officer stem from the desire to not only lead, but also from the opportunity to develop and learn from the best that this world has to offer. It is not often that an adult can say they enjoy their career, but there is nothing that I would rather do.

While coming to this realization, I have also failed myself along the way. There were a few semesters during my time as a college student where my performance was unsatisfactory. Because of necessary full time employment and the company I was involved in developing, I was caught off track from coursework. I am not here to make an excuse, but to show that I do not want the mistakes of my youth to define me as a man. I found that failure is, oddly, a necessary part of the growth and development of an individual. I learned from those mistakes and mostly importantly have grown because of them. Thanks to those who served before us, we live in a country where people are granted other opportunities and there is no such thing as discontinuing the chase for your dream. I believe that this is my purpose in life and there would be no greater honor than to serve as an officer in the United States Navy. Thank you for taking the time and consideration while reviewing my application and most of all, thank you for your service.

 

[ShadeofRed]

There's a ton of improvment in that version. A few typos and grammatical errors aside, the only content I would change would be to not end your statement on such a negative tone. That is, if you feel it's necessary to address your low GPA (I assume), then do so in its own paragraph and expound on the positives of your growth from it. I wouldn't want the last thing they read to be about your academic shortcomings.

 

[patton307]

If anyone wouldn't mind reading what I have so far for my motivational statement, I would greatly appreciate it. I would post it here, but, I do not know if it is good or bad to do so.

 

[Cobra305]

I know this thread is for motivational statements but I was hoping to get some assistance/feeback on my NJP statement. Please feel free to commit honestly as I need all the feedback I can get.

In 2005 I made two very poor decisions which resulted in me receiving Captain’s Mast (NJP) for violating article 112 and 86 of the Uniformed Code of Military Justice in March 2005 and violating article 92 in October of 2005.
Specifically, I was late work (Article 86) and smelled of alcohol (Article 112) on the first occasion. I received reduction in rank from E-3 to E-2, 45 days of restriction, 45 days of extra military instruction, and half months pay for two months. On the second occasion, I violated a Barracks rule by bringing a consenting female into my barracks room without checking her in with the barracks duty personnel. I was awarded reduction in rank from E-3 to E-2 (suspended), 45 days of restriction, 45 days of extra military instruction, and half months pay for two months. Receiving these punishments had a positive effect on me and I was able to get my career back on the right path. I have been able to use myself as an example to fellow Sailors, who have a hit a speed bump in their career that you can rebound from adversity. It is much easier for a man to stay down and feel sorry for himself than it is to admit to his mistakes, dust himself off, and move forward a better person. I have picked myself up and have used these incidents to mentor and help other Sailors avoid such incidents or in some cases let them know how important it is not to give up in the face of adversity.
Turning a negative into a positive has allowed me to mentor my fellow Sailor’s and let them know that just because you have made mistakes in the past and let people down does not mean you should give up and throw in the towel. I allowed these incidents to be character building experiences, picked myself up, went back to work with more drive and dedication, and went on to regain the trust of my superiors and subordinates alike. I did not allow these mistakes to define myself or my career. When people see that you can earn peoples trust and admiration despite the fact that you have made an error in judgment, it allows them to regain hope and get back on track. In closing, these incidents have been a learning experience that have helped me mature into the leader and person I am today.

 

[USAF_WX2USN]

I know this thread is for motivational statements but I was hoping to get some assistance/feeback on my NJP statement. Please feel free to commit honestly as I need all the feedback I can get.

In 2005 I made two very poor decisions which resulted in me receiving Captain’s Mast (NJP) for violating article 112 and 86 of the Uniformed Code of Military Justice in March 2005 and violating article 92 in October of 2005.
Specifically, I was late work (Article 86) and smelled of alcohol (Article 112) on the first occasion. I received reduction in rank from E-3 to E-2, 45 days of restriction, 45 days of extra military instruction, and half months pay for two months. On the second occasion, I violated a Barracks rule by bringing a consenting female into my barracks room without checking her in with the barracks duty personnel. I was awarded reduction in rank from E-3 to E-2 (suspended), 45 days of restriction, 45 days of extra military instruction, and half months pay for two months. Receiving these punishments had a positive effect on me and I was able to get my career back on the right path. I have been able to use myself as an example to fellow Sailors, who have a hit a speed bump in their career that you can rebound from adversity. It is much easier for a man to stay down and feel sorry for himself than it is to admit to his mistakes, dust himself off, and move forward a better person. I have picked myself up and have used these incidents to mentor and help other Sailors avoid such incidents or in some cases let them know how important it is not to give up in the face of adversity.
Turning a negative into a positive has allowed me to mentor my fellow Sailor’s and let them know that just because you have made mistakes in the past and let people down does not mean you should give up and throw in the towel. I allowed these incidents to be character building experiences, picked myself up, went back to work with more drive and dedication, and went on to regain the trust of my superiors and subordinates alike. I did not allow these mistakes to define myself or my career. When people see that you can earn peoples trust and admiration despite the fact that you have made an error in judgment, it allows them to regain hope and get back on track. In closing, these incidents have been a learning experience that have helped me mature into the leader and person I am today.

I'm currently Air Force, not Navy, so I'm not quite sure of all of the correct terminology, but I think you should also add things you have done to improve your career and in society. Have you received a medal (achievement, commendation, good conduct, etc.) since then? How about a monthly, quarterly, yearly award in your unit? Became in a position of leadership either at work or for an organization? Highlight the good things you've done to show a complete 180.

 

[jms4netsec]

Current revision of MS for MAR 2013 (Reserve) IDC DCO Board (400 words).
Would appreciate a public chop. Due to package ASAP:

Coming from a family that believes that to serve our country, especially in uniform, is an obligation of citizenship, the price of freedom and an honored privilege, I enlisted at 18 like my brothers and uncles before me. That enlisted experience quickly showed me the importance of following, what it took to be a leader, and inspired me to become a commissioned officer.

I first began working towards my goal by starting my undergraduate degree while still on active duty. However, the challenges of enlisted life made the road to graduation a difficult one, and I continued my academics as a civilian. After several aborted restarts, It became apparent that being a full time student was the best way forward. Making the degree 'the mission', I stepped away from my career, taking multiple part time jobs, pursuing my academics for five years straight. Persistence and dedication now enables me to stand as the first person in my family to graduate from a university in over 50 years (2007), and the only one to ever achieve a Master’s degree (2008).

Professionally, I have followed and learned from excellent mentors, and have lead others as team lead, supervisor and manager. I strive to achieve the highest standards for myself, hopefully leading others by example, and where able, sought to mentor others to the same. Within the infosec community, I serve as an instructor and exam proctor promoting growth within my field.

Athletically, as a fencer I have instructed local and regional training courses on a volunteer basis, and privately coached more than 25 young men and women in their pursuit of excellence, several attaining regional and national standing. I have volunteered as both a local and regional officer for SCA, Inc., a California not-for-profit educational organization, also serving for several years on an advisory committee to their board of directors, and have recently been nominated for a chair on that board.

These experiences have led to my cleared role as a Senior IA Engineer at DOD CIO, reinforcing daily my desire to commission as a Navy officer. Admittedly, my path to a commission has been untraditional and lengthy. Yet, that journey has taught me patience, integrity, unwavering determination; attributes I recognize in every Navy officer I know. The words "Honor", "Courage", "Commitment" are defining traits of the person I know myself to be, making a Navy commission the obvious choice for me.

---

 

[PrudasJiest]

My stomach dropped when I just today realized on my already-submitted application (for March NFO/SWO), I ended up submitting a motivational statement that was

• slightly geared toward Intel/IDC
• 2/3 to 3/4 unused blank space because I thought for some reason that I had some kind of character limit and was narrowly tailoring my words down to meet said limit

Is it possible at all to re-submit just the motivational statement or just this page of the APSR?

 

[ShadeofRed]

Is it possible at all to re-submit just the motivational statement or just this page of the APSR?

Definitely a question you should pose to your RO...asap.