Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Sean Martin]

Fellas,

If you could give my motivational statement a look, criticize it as much as possible!

Distinguished Members of the Board,
As a global force for good, the United States Navy has been a cornerstone in promoting change throughout the world. But in order to do so effectively, this organization must recruit ambitious, courageous, and honest leaders with strong moral character to carry out the mission. I am an individual who embodies these characteristics. However, my genetic makeup goes beyond a few words on a piece of paper; it is put into action during the many days I stand a taut watch or during the days I endured the greatest strength and sorrow on the grounds of Arlington National Cemetery. It was here I buried the men and women that served before me. It was during this time as a body bearer with the US Coast Guard Honor Guard that I learned my actions were bigger than myself. It was then I learned I wasn’t there to serve for my benefit, but for the men and women of this country. The pride I felt when I folded our national ensign and held it in my hands as I approached a member’s loved one was immense.

But before service came different trials and tribulations. Before I took the oath to serve, I actively sought out leadership roles within all facets of my life, beginning with my family. During these times of adversity, my younger brothers looked up to me to lead when my father left. I adapted, overcame and thrived through these times that helped me become the man I am today. But it also provided an essence of teamwork and accountability amongst us as a family. Furthermore, the true measure of a leader of a team is one who can inspire those around him to achieve their maximum potential and flourish. But we are always growing as people and the ability to grow as a person is a never ending journey. For me, I don’t just want to continue on the journey, I want to excel and cherish every moment I have on that journey. And with all things in life, thriving in what you do starts with a foundation. I have the foundation to achieve great heights but the platform is the United States Navy Officer Program.

Furthermore, under the United States Navy’s continued guidance, I can become not only the best officer I can be, but the best person as well. And that mentality goes beyond just a ship, an office, a sea, it translates into the community. Promoting the image of the United States as service members is vital to the success of our armed forces. I have done this admirably throughout my time in the Coast Guard through my volunteer experiences in little leagues and elementary schools in Alexandria, VA. As a mentor and coach to young kids, I showed them what it takes to succeed and how to chase your dreams. If you want something, you need to go out and get it. I want this chance to lead but I want the US Navy to want me to lead more. The US Navy strives to build their forces with individuals from different backgrounds and experiences. Who I am and what I’ve learned throughout my time as a service member to this country make me an ideal candidate for the Navy Officer Program. I want to become a US Navy Officer because I can inspire, communicate, teach and lead individuals from all backgrounds and my life experiences are a testament to that.

 

[jay_navy]

Hello guys, I am just curious on how much weight do these "Motivational statements" actually have towards an application? The letters I see above are excellent statements but I am not a natural writer and I'm wondering if I should put in plenty of time and effort towards making them.

 

[Fronch]

Thanks for posting! As always, take this as constructive feedback. You've got some good stuff here, but I think it can be even better.

Distinguished Members of the Board,
As a global force for good, the United States Navy has been a cornerstone in promoting change throughout the world. But in order to do so effectively, this organization must recruit ambitious, courageous, and honest leaders with strong moral character to carry out the mission. I am an individual who embodies these characteristics. However, my genetic makeup goes beyond a few words on a piece of paper; it is put into action during the many days I stand a taut watch or during the days I endured the greatest strength and sorrow on the grounds of Arlington National Cemetery. It was here I buried the men and women that served before me. It was during this time as a body bearer with the US Coast Guard Honor Guard that I learned my actions were bigger than myself. It was then I learned I wasn’t there to serve for my benefit, but for the men and women of this country. The pride I felt when I folded our national ensign and held it in my hands as I approached a member’s loved one was immense.

This is, by far, my least favorite paragraph, and unfortunately it's the first one. A couple things:

• Starting with the first sentence, I don't know how much you have to "butter up" the board members. They already know how awesome the Navy is! I think it's a personal preference, but this statement is supposed to be about you.
• Too many "backwards" sentences starting with "It is/was..." make this really hard to understand. I think you're just trying to be too flowery.

I would start with something like "I am an ideal choice for service as an Officer in the United States Navy because I embody the ideals of honor, courage, and commitment." Then fill in your story about your service in Arlington, how it impacted you, and why this makes you appreciate that you have what it takes to excel.

But before service came different trials and tribulations. Before I took the oath to serve, I actively sought out leadership roles within all facets of my life, beginning with my family. During these times of adversity, my younger brothers looked up to me to lead when my father left. I adapted, overcame and thrived through these times that helped me become the man I am today. But it also provided an essence of teamwork and accountability amongst us as a family. Furthermore, the true measure of a leader of a team is one who can inspire those around him to achieve their maximum potential and flourish. But we are always growing as people and the ability to grow as a person is a never ending journey. For me, I don’t just want to continue on the journey, I want to excel and cherish every moment I have on that journey. And with all things in life, thriving in what you do starts with a foundation. I have the foundation to achieve great heights but the platform is the United States Navy Officer Program.

This paragraph is much better. I have some minor grammatical quibbles (I don't like sentences that start with "But," for example), but nothing too major. You talk about leadership experiences, but you don't really give more than one example. I'd omit the generic stuff about "we are always growing as people" and include another example or two. Try sentences that have the basic format of "Because I have done X, I know that I will be able to do Y."

Furthermore, under the United States Navy’s continued guidance, I can become not only the best officer I can be, but the best person as well. And that mentality goes beyond just a ship, an office, a sea, it translates into the community. Promoting the image of the United States as service members is vital to the success of our armed forces. I have done this admirably throughout my time in the Coast Guard through my volunteer experiences in little leagues and elementary schools in Alexandria, VA. As a mentor and coach to young kids, I showed them what it takes to succeed and how to chase your dreams. If you want something, you need to go out and get it. I want this chance to lead but I want the US Navy to want me to lead more. The US Navy strives to build their forces with individuals from different backgrounds and experiences. Who I am and what I’ve learned throughout my time as a service member to this country make me an ideal candidate for the Navy Officer Program. I want to become a US Navy Officer because I can inspire, communicate, teach and lead individuals from all backgrounds and my life experiences are a testament to that.

You're kind of all over the place in this paragraph. My rule of thumb with these motivational statements is to tell them not what you want to get out of the Navy, but what the Navy will be getting out of you. The sentence about how you mentored and coached is probably the best one here. Build on that. Explain -- in detail! -- how your skills, experiences, personality, etc. make you a perfect fit.

 

[Sean Martin]

I appreciate the feedback! However I do not appreciate your avatar (go lions). Haha but yeah I felt I was jumping around a lot, I need to find better flow. I need to make this pop because my ASTB scores aren't all that. The rest of my packet is solid, just my scores.

 

[BusyBee604]

Hello guys, I am just curious on how much weight do these "Motivational statements" actually have towards an application? The letters I see above are excellent statements but I am not a natural writer and I'm wondering if I should put in plenty of time and effort towards making them.

Everything asked for on your application carries weight, how much is difficult to quantify, as board members are individuals, not clones! Two things that should be clearly evident ... why you desire to serve as a Naval Officer, and how well you express yourself in writing. including format, grammar, spelling/punctuation, etc. First impressions and all that! It's your only chance to "talk" to the board, and sell yourself.

Consider everything they ask for as "having weight", so definitely put max time and effort into submitting accurate information. Make it easy for the board by putting it together so it's a no-brainer for them to select YOU!
BzB

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Hello guys, I am just curious on how much weight do these "Motivational statements" actually have towards an application? The letters I see above are excellent statements but I am not a natural writer and I'm wondering if I should put in plenty of time and effort towards making them.

depends on the designator, I have seen guys going for aviation with good scores get picked up with a one paragraph motivational statement (one was picked up with 25% selection rate), in other designators the statement will be given much more attention.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Fellas,

If you could give my motivational statement a look, criticize it as much as possible!

Distinguished Members of the Board,
As a global force for good, the United States Navy has been a cornerstone in promoting change throughout the world. But in order to do so effectively, this organization must recruit ambitious, courageous, and honest leaders with strong moral character to carry out the mission. I am an individual who embodies these characteristics. However, my genetic makeup goes beyond a few words on a piece of paper; it is put into action during the many days I stand a taut watch or during the days I endured the greatest strength and sorrow on the grounds of Arlington National Cemetery. It was here I buried the men and women that served before me. It was during this time as a body bearer with the US Coast Guard Honor Guard that I learned my actions were bigger than myself. It was then I learned I wasn’t there to serve for my benefit, but for the men and women of this country. The pride I felt when I folded our national ensign and held it in my hands as I approached a member’s loved one was immense.

But before service came different trials and tribulations. Before I took the oath to serve, I actively sought out leadership roles within all facets of my life, beginning with my family. During these times of adversity, my younger brothers looked up to me to lead when my father left. I adapted, overcame and thrived through these times that helped me become the man I am today. But it also provided an essence of teamwork and accountability amongst us as a family. Furthermore, the true measure of a leader of a team is one who can inspire those around him to achieve their maximum potential and flourish. But we are always growing as people and the ability to grow as a person is a never ending journey. For me, I don’t just want to continue on the journey, I want to excel and cherish every moment I have on that journey. And with all things in life, thriving in what you do starts with a foundation. I have the foundation to achieve great heights but the platform is the United States Navy Officer Program.

Furthermore, under the United States Navy’s continued guidance, I can become not only the best officer I can be, but the best person as well. And that mentality goes beyond just a ship, an office, a sea, it translates into the community. Promoting the image of the United States as service members is vital to the success of our armed forces. I have done this admirably throughout my time in the Coast Guard through my volunteer experiences in little leagues and elementary schools in Alexandria, VA. As a mentor and coach to young kids, I showed them what it takes to succeed and how to chase your dreams. If you want something, you need to go out and get it. I want this chance to lead but I want the US Navy to want me to lead more. The US Navy strives to build their forces with individuals from different backgrounds and experiences. Who I am and what I’ve learned throughout my time as a service member to this country make me an ideal candidate for the Navy Officer Program. I want to become a US Navy Officer because I can inspire, communicate, teach and lead individuals from all backgrounds and my life experiences are a testament to that.

you have lots of fluff, the motivational statement is a no fluff zone...

at my NRD several of us told our candidates to go with this, what you can do for the USN and what they can do for you, give specifics, cite examples of leadership or team involvement, give numbers and what was accomplished, those of us that had applicants write statements based on the above had the best selection rate.

 

[Sean Martin]

you have lots of fluff, the motivational statement is a no fluff zone...

at my NRD several of us told our candidates to go with this, what you can do for the USN and what they can do for you, give specifics, cite examples of leadership or team involvement, give numbers and what was accomplished, those of us that had applicants write statements based on the above had the best selection rate.

That makes a lot of sense...I could tell I was writing more like a story rather than a piece on what I've done and what more I can do. So ignore what I've read in regards to making the statement seem like a resume? Give hard facts of what we've accomplished and how we did so.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

That makes a lot of sense...I could tell I was writing more like a story rather than a piece on what I've done and what more I can do. So ignore what I've read in regards to making the statement seem like a resume? Give hard facts of what we've accomplished and how we did so.

actual facts and figures are more like a resume, I review a lot of resume's each day and none read like what you wrote.

 

[jay_navy]

Great, thanks for your responses. Also, I am planning to apply for several naval officer communities; (Aviation/Surface/Intel) and I'm assuming that you need a separate motivational statement for each of them? Do I need to express my particular interest for each community I'm applying for or do I just stick with one statement that fits all communities?

 

[Sean Martin]

Revamped my motivational statement after some words of wisdom from some of you out there, let me know what you guys think

Leadership, accountability, character and integrity are all desired genetic makeup for an individual built to lead. Throughout my life, I have embodied these characteristics in striving to become an individual people look up to and respect. Most recently, I have provided three superior years of service to the United States Coast Guard. Initially, I was selected to become one of 55 individuals assigned to the Ceremonial Honor Guard, where for two years I buried our nation’s service members, including Senator Lautenberg and Former Joint Chief of Staff, General David C. Jones on the hallowed grounds of Arlington National Cemetery. I was chosen to lead a group of 5 other men as part of the casket team in these ceremonies while also bearing the responsibility of briefing men and women well above my pay grade, including the Commandant and Vice Commandant. My command hand selected me to train 100 members from the Coast Guard Training Center in Cape May for the 57th Presidential Inauguration, in which I marched with honor holding my service’s ensign. Some of the proudest moments of my life where during these two years where I was selected to promote, represent and serve members of the Coast Guard fleet and every individual who has served before me. Furthermore, I embodied the strength and courage to look a fallen service member’s loved one in the eyes and deliver the fateful message of respect and folded national ensign. It was then I realized what I was doing was bigger than myself and that our mission touched the lives of thousands of families across the country. However, my mission extended beyond military service. It translated into the community where I provided tutoring and coaching to young children in Alexandria, Virginia. For two years I coached and mentored 9 and 10 year olds and showed them how hard work and dedication can lead them to a life full of successful endeavors.

Upon leaving this tour of duty, I transferred to an operational unit where I have faced adversity and uncertainty frequently. During my time at small boat Station Shinnecock, I have been put in a position to lead as a junior enlisted member. Most notably as a small boat coxswain in charge of members above my pay grade during routine and non-routine missions. Recently, on a crew of 3, we battled as a team, through rough seas and low visibility, as we rescued two men on a sailing vessel taking on water. Through strong teamwork, diligence, and effective communication, we were able to successfully return these individuals to a safe haven to see another day. Furthermore, my command’s trust in me to get the job done has given me the opportunity to succeed. As a communications watch stander, I was left alone at the station during a recent search and rescue case to locate a man being sucked out by the ocean current. I successfully delegated tasking to different agencies, including three separate fire departments, one marine police unit and one Coast Guard small boat. My poise and calm demeanor under pressure allowed for effective communication with these units to achieve a common goal and rescue this individual in peril.

This environment fosters a culture that promotes teamwork, accountability and trusting the man next to you to help get the job done. It is the leaders of these units that inspire us as enlisted men and women that make it flourish and it is the type of leader I am. Furthermore, this period of service has given me the foundation to succeed in my ambitions to become a US Naval Aviator. I have seen great leaders and I have seen poor leaders, but through it all I have taken notice to how best to lead sailors like myself. It is easy to demand greatness in someone but it is another to inspire greatness. I expect the United States Navy to teach me even more ways to be great while leading and learning all that is available to me through the training provided by this organization. This opportunity will also give me a chance to achieve a goal I have sought since swearing my oath to this country. It has been my dream since I was young to fly with the nation’s best aviators and this service will provide me that opportunity. The aviation community is tight knit and camaraderie is important amongst squadrons and I would relish the opportunity to be a part of this band of brothers and sisters. Thank you for your consideration for this chance to succeed in your organization.

 

[Fronch]

First let me say that this is much better. Here are my impressions, though:

1. It's too long. Others may disagree with me here, but it just seems that way to me. You're including a lot of details that should already be in your resume and/or service record. Focus on what those experiences meant rather than the minute details.
2. Several minor punctuation and grammatical errors that should be fixed, but nothing you need to worry about until you have a final draft.
3. You have two big themes: "Here's a bunch of awesome stuff that I've done in the past" and "Here's a bunch of stuff that I want to get from the Navy in the future." Don't omit those things, but I would want to see more along the lines of "Here's what the Navy will be getting from me in the future."

For reference, here was my statement (I'm not sure how amazing it was, but I got selected, so it couldn't have been too terrible), with some details redacted for privacy's sake:

I received my Ph.D. in Mathematics in 2002 and since then I have taught thousands of students at XXXX University and published over a dozen peer-reviewed research papers. As a respected scholar and professor, I serve in a variety of leadership roles: at the University, in the mathematics professional community, and in the community at large. I spent the 2013 summer working for YYYY – an IT solutions company – where I worked on several projects including analyzing and improving a disk-storage algorithm. My work and leadership experience make me an ideal candidate for commission as an officer in the United States Navy.

My degrees in Mathematics and Computer Science, my research abilities, and my experience as an educator all combine to give me the ability to expertly analyze data, create models, and clearly communicate results. My work at YYYY exemplifies my ability to enthusiastically adapt to new situations and new work environments, and easily apply my skills in a significant way over a short time frame. My success in a variety of leadership roles demonstrates my combination of organization, authority, and integrity, which earns me the respect of my peers and subordinates. My intellectual and leadership abilities will serve me well as an officer in the United States Navy.

In my professional life, I have always pursued excellence and challenged myself to constantly do more and perform better. Conquering these self-imposed challenges has led to many of the successes I have enjoyed in my career. I am confident that this same drive and commitment to excellence will lead to a successful career as an officer in the United States Navy. I am a strong leader of character who is dedicated to this country, to our military, and to becoming an outstanding Naval officer.

 

[Gryfer]

Would anyone mind giving me some feedback on my MS?

Born abroad on an Air Force base, the military has been a part of my life from the very beginning. I knew I wanted to join and become the first officer in my family once I learned about the JAG Corps. My life and leadership experiences have cultivated that desire to be a part of the JAG Corps.

I was the first in my family in many ways. I was the first-born child, the first person to attend and graduate from college, and the first to go to law school. All along, I have learned how to handle life and its challenges through trial and error and I have tried at every opportunity to use that experience to help be a leader. The more leadership experience I gain, the more I learn I truly enjoy being able to help someone in need.

My first leadership role was as an Ambassador in undergrad. In my first year, I was selected by the Admissions Office as the Ambassador of the Year and was given the opportunity to lead and coordinate the school’s annual Campus Visit Day, as well as all group and VIP tours. I led groups of students, parents, and counselors around campus; all while officially representing the school. During my time, I was also elected to Committee Chairman and Executive Board positions in Student Government.

My leadership and mentor roles continued when I entered law school. I was elected Treasurer of Phi Alpha Delta, drastically increasing due collection rates and record accuracy by modernizing the position. I volunteered to be a Director of the freshman moot court and the National Team tryout competitions. As a Director, I took it upon myself to give an oral argument lecture and demonstration to the entire class, in addition to judging, coaching, and mentoring all competitors. I am currently on a team for a Veteran’s Law competition and continue in my role as both a coach and a teammate.

Throughout my experiences so far, there is nothing I enjoy more than being able to help someone and to watch them grow and flourish afterwards. I hope to have the opportunity to do this as part of an organization that makes people better while fostering camaraderie, responsibility, adventure, and balance. My experiences in leadership positions and my desire to serve and be part of something larger than myself my country are traits that I believe make me a strong candidate to become an officer in the United States Navy and I would be honored to have the opportunity to do so.

 

[VoodooNova]

Would anyone mind giving me some feedback on my MS?

I feel your statement is well written, flows nicely and displays your leadership roles well, but nothing says "this is why I want to be an officer in the Navy". You mention it in the first paragraph with "I knew I wanted to join" and "desire to be a part of the JAG Corps", so what I would do is ask myself some questions. Why do I want to be a Naval Officer? Why do I want to serve in the JAG Corps? When did I know I wanted to be a part of JAG? It sounds like it is a life-long goal, but you don't mention it again.

I see a lot about what you've done as a leader, but not how it connects to your motivation and desire to be a JAG Corps officer.

 

[Gryfer]

I see a lot about what you've done as a leader, but not how it connects to your motivation and desire to be a JAG Corps officer.

I appreciate the feedback! How about this updated version [added more to the first paragraph, shortened the second, cut some other miscellany, and fixed the out-of-place "my country" in the final paragraph]?

Born abroad into an Air Force family, the military has been a part of my life from the very beginning. I knew I wanted to join and become the first officer in my family once I learned about the JAG Corps. The opportunity to help service members while practicing around the world in a range of fields such as legal assistance, contract law, military justice or international law fascinates me and offers constant challenges and opportunities for growth. My life and leadership experiences have cultivated that desire to be a judge advocate.

I was the first in my family in many ways. I was the first-born child, the first person to attend and graduate from college, and the first to go to law school. All along, I have learned through trial and error and I have tried at every opportunity to use that experience to help be a leader.

My first leadership role was as an Ambassador in undergrad. In my first year, I was selected by the Admissions Office as the Ambassador of the Year and was given the opportunity to lead and coordinate the school’s annual Campus Visit Day, as well as all group and VIP tours. I led groups of students, parents, and counselors around campus; all while officially representing the school. During my time, I was also elected to Committee Chairman and Executive Board positions in Student Government.

My leadership and mentor roles continued when I entered law school. I was elected Treasurer of Phi Alpha Delta, drastically increasing due collection rates and record accuracy by modernizing the position. I volunteered to be a Director of the freshman moot court and the National Team tryout competitions. As a Director, I took it upon myself to give an oral argument lecture and demonstration to the entire class, in addition to judging, coaching, and mentoring all competitors. I am currently on a team for a Veteran’s Law competition and continue in my role as both a coach and a teammate.

Throughout my experiences so far, there is nothing I enjoy more than being able to help someone and to watch them grow and flourish afterwards. I hope to have the opportunity to do this as part of an organization that makes people better while fostering camaraderie, responsibility, adventure, and balance. My experiences in leadership positions as well as my desire to serve my country and be part of something larger than myself are traits that I believe make me a strong candidate to become an officer in the United States Navy and I would be honored to have the opportunity to do so.