Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Gryfer]

In addition to what Fronch said, I wanted to add a few things. Edits are included in the quote below in red.

Revamped my motivational statement after some words of wisdom from some of you out there, let me know what you guys think

Leadership, accountability, character and integrity are all desired genetic makeup for an individual built to lead. Throughout my life, I have embodied these characteristics in striving to become an individual people look up to and respect. Most recently, I have provided three superior years of service to the United States Coast Guard. Initially, I was selected to become one of 55 individuals assigned to the Ceremonial Honor Guard, where for two years I buried our nation’s service members, including Senator Lautenberg and Former Joint Chief of Staff, General David C. Jones on the hallowed grounds of Arlington National Cemetery. I was chosen to lead a group of 5 other men as part of the casket team in these ceremonies while also bearing the responsibility of briefing men and women well above my pay grade [I feel like you could say this differently without sounding negative and/or belittling yourself -- try something like "being granted the opportunity to brief senior NCOs, officers, and leaders of the Coast Guard" (which has the added benefit of removing the gender aspect as well)], including the Commandant and Vice Commandant. My command hand selected me to train 100 members from the Coast Guard Training Center in Cape May for the 57th Presidential Inauguration, in which I marched with honor holding my service’s ensign. Some of the proudest moments of my life where [change this to were] during these two years where I was selected to promote, represent, [personal choice, but I'm a huge proponent of the Oxford comma here] and serve members of the Coast Guard fleet and every individual who has served before me. Furthermore, I embodied the strength and courage to look a fallen service member’s loved one in the eyes and deliver the fateful message of respect and folded national ensign. It was then I realized what I was doing was bigger than myself and that our mission touched the lives of thousands of families across the country. However, my mission extended beyond military service. It translated into the community where I provided tutoring and coaching to young children in Alexandria, Virginia. For two years I coached and mentored 9 and 10 year olds and showed them how hard work and dedication can lead them to a life full of successful endeavors.

Upon leaving this tour of duty, I transferred to an operational unit where I have faced adversity and uncertainty frequently. During my time at small boat Station Shinnecock, I have been put in a position to lead as a junior enlisted member. Most notably as a small boat coxswain in charge of members above my pay grade [could be a personal thing, but I'm not a fan of this phrase at all, let alone using it twice] during routine and non-routine missions. Recently, on a crew of 3, we battled as a team, through rough seas and low visibility, as we rescued two men on a sailing vessel taking on water. Through strong teamwork, diligence, and effective communication, we were able to successfully return these individuals to a safe haven to see another day [another sentence I feel like you could deliver better. Instead of saying this, what about "we saved them and returned them to their families"? Play with the wording all you'd like, but just "returning them to safe haven" almost makes you sound like a designated driver, not a Coastie that just saved these two guys' lives]. Furthermore, my command’s trust in me to get the job done has given me the opportunity to succeed. As a communications watch stander, I was left alone at the station during a recent search and rescue case to locate a man being sucked [I know it's minor, but change "sucked" to something like "dragged." No matter how well written the statement is, the word "sucked" is going to distract people reading this statement] out by the ocean current. I successfully delegated tasking to different agencies, including three separate fire departments, one marine police unit and one Coast Guard small boat. My poise and calm demeanor under pressure allowed for effective communication with these units to achieve a common goal and rescue this individual [another "police word" -- if you can think of something better than individual, plug it in. rescue this "father of two" sounds much stronger. Heck, even "tax collector" almost sounds better than "individual"] in peril.

This environment fosters a culture that promotes teamwork, accountability, [totally a preference choice, but just throwing in the Oxford comma again. use it if you want] and trusting the man next to you to help get the job done. It is the leaders of these units that inspire us as enlisted men and women that make it flourish and it is the type of leader I am. Furthermore, this period of service has given me the foundation to succeed in my ambitions to become a US Naval Aviator. I have seen great leaders and I have seen poor leaders, but through it all I have taken notice to how best to lead sailors like myself. It is easy to demand greatness in someone but it is another to inspire greatness. I expect the United States Navy to teach me even more ways to be great while leading and learning all that is available to me through the training provided by this organization. [Minor, but potentially an issue. Instead of wording this as "I expect the USN to teach me…" try something like "I hope to learn even more ways to be a great leader as an Officer and Aviator in the United States Navy."] This opportunity will also give me a chance to achieve a goal I have sought since swearing my oath to this country. It has been my dream since I was young to fly with the nation’s best aviators and this service will provide me that opportunity. The aviation community is tight knit and camaraderie is important amongst squadrons and I would relish the opportunity to be a part of this band of brothers and sisters. Thank you for your consideration for this chance to succeed in your organization. [Personally, I would cut this sentence entirely.]

 

[Gryfer]

I see a lot about what you've done as a leader, but not how it connects to your motivation and desire to be a JAG Corps officer.

Actually, VoodooNova [and anyone else!], if you would be so kind, ignore my above reply [post #1464] in lieu of this one. I have revamped it quite a bit. It is below:

M o t i v a t i o n a l__S t a t e m e n t

Born abroad into an Air Force family, the military has been a part of my life from the very beginning. I knew I wanted to join and become the first officer in my family once I learned about the JAG Corps. The opportunity to help service members while practicing around the world in a variety of fields such as legal assistance, space law, military justice or international law fascinates me. These unique opportunities offer constant challenges and chances for growth as both an Officer and a person. My leadership and work experiences have cultivated that desire to be a Judge Advocate.

My first leadership role was as a Student Ambassador in undergrad. In that capacity, I led tours of students, parents, and counselors; all while officially representing the school. I was selected by the Admissions Office as the Ambassador of the Year in my freshman year and given the opportunity to lead and coordinate the school’s annual Campus Visit Day, as well as all group and VIP tours. During that time, I was also elected to Committee Chairman and Executive Board positions in Student Government.

My leadership and mentor roles continued when I entered law school. I was elected Treasurer of Phi Alpha Delta, drastically increasing due collection rates and record accuracy by modernizing the position. I also volunteered to be a Director of the freshman moot court and the National Team tryout competitions. For the freshman competition, I offered an oral argument lecture and demonstration to the entire class; in addition to judging, coaching, and mentoring all competitors. I am currently on a team for a Veteran’s Law competition and continue in my dual role as both a coach and a teammate.

Two of my legal internships were with the JAG Corps. I did base-level legal work with the [branch] [unit] and worked with the [branch] [unit] for final case adjudication. Although vastly different, both experiences were incredibly rewarding.

Throughout my experiences so far, there is nothing I enjoy more than being able to help someone. I hope to have the opportunity to do this in an organization that makes people better while fostering camaraderie, responsibility, adventure, and balance. My experiences in leadership and work positions as well as my desire to serve my country and be part of something larger than myself are traits that I believe make me a strong candidate to become an officer in the United States Navy and I would be honored to have the opportunity to do so.

 

[gicze101]

Hey everybody,
You all have helped me when it came to the ASTB and reading all of the forums on the test really helped. Now I am asking you guys for your thoughts on my motivational statement, be harsh if needed I am welcoming all criticisms. I was trying to sound confident but am I coming across as too confident and into arrogance? Thanks guys in advance.


Why Navy? Why do you want to be a Naval officer?

I want to be a U.S. Naval officer because there is no harder job in the world. The opportunity to rise to the challenges of everyday life in the Navy and have no other option but to succeed, is the type of environment I want to be in everyday. Growing up by the ocean I have always had a great respect for it and all it has to offer. Ever since my father took me to "Bring Your Child to Work Day" at Boeing in Long Beach, I have wanted to be a pilot. I knew when I was young I wanted to be a pilot in the U.S. Navy. Being from a strong family with a big military background I have always been attracted to serving this country. After the countless hours of my grandfather telling me stories of World War II; how the Army and the war shaped him into the exceptional husband, father, grandfather, and role model he was. Those traits of striving for perfection and being the best possible man he could be, was engrained in him when he enlisted to serve this country. My grandfather is a person that I try to emulate myself after and he is just one of the many reasons I have to want a commission and serve this great country.

Being a U.S. Naval officer is about being part of something greater than yourself. It is being part of the most powerful team in the world. That is the most powerful weapon in the arsenal of the most powerful country in the world. Being part of a team is who I am. In my experience of growing up playing ice hockey, including four years of NCAA hockey, I know what it truly takes to be part of a team. Without the collaboration of every member of the group, the objective will not be accomplished; no one individual can do it alone. In order for a team to succeed, responsible, respectable individuals need to lead the way. I have been the Captain of every sporting team I have ever been on. I was named Captain of my college ice hockey team my Junior year and was also selected to be on the board for the Student Athlete Advisory Committee. My senior year I was again selected as the captain of the hockey team, I was also elected to be president of the Student Athlete Advisory Committee. Expanding my leadership not only to the hockey team, but to every athletic team on campus.

I gave everything to my College for four years; blood, sweat, and tears. I can say full-heartedly that I am proud of my college accomplishments. I left my mark on my college, I truly believe that I left that institution in better shape than when I entered it. In my time at college I volunteered with the New York State Special Olympics and I am proud to say that through the tireless efforts of my team, we managed to change the venue of the annual Spring games to my Universities field house. An event that due to a recent contract will remain there until the year 2018. For two years I was in charge of all the volunteers for this event. The memories of these games to me are some of the most rewarding from my entire life. I am very happy to know that I helped start a tradition that I hope will continue there far into the future.

I know the opportunities that I have been given, other kids could never even dream of. A lot of that is due to the tireless efforts of my extremely hard working parents. But first and foremost this country has given them the chance to be the wonderful providers that they are. This country gives us liberties that others don't. It also gives us the best security in the world, knowing that there are people out there every day in harm's way fighting for those liberties and freedoms that many take for granted. I, for one, do not. Given the opportunity, I want to give back to this country that has given me so much. I want the opportunity to wake up every day striving to be a better person for my team and my country, so that I know without any reasonable doubt that I have made my family, my country, and the U.S. Navy proud.

 

[hallissyc]

Hey everybody,
You all have helped me when it came to the ASTB and reading all of the forums on the test really helped. Now I am asking you guys for your thoughts on my motivational statement, be harsh if needed I am welcoming all criticisms. I was trying to sound confident but am I coming across as too confident and into arrogance? Thanks guys in advance.


Why Navy? Why do you want to be a Naval officer?

I want to be a U.S. Naval officer because there is no harder job in the world. The opportunity to rise to the challenges of everyday life in the Navy and have no other option but to succeed, is the type of environment I want to be in everyday. Growing up by the ocean I have always had a great respect for it and all it has to offer. Ever since my father took me to "Bring Your Child to Work Day" at Boeing in Long Beach, I have wanted to be a pilot. I knew when I was young I wanted to be a pilot in the U.S. Navy. Being from a strong family with a big military background I have always been attracted to serving this country. After the countless hours of my grandfather telling me stories of World War II; how the Army and the war shaped him into the exceptional husband, father, grandfather, and role model he was. Those traits of striving for perfection and being the best possible man he could be, was engrained in him when he enlisted to serve this country. My grandfather is a person that I try to emulate myself after and he is just one of the many reasons I have to want a commission and serve this great country.

Being a U.S. Naval officer is about being part of something greater than yourself. It is being part of the most powerful team in the world. That is the most powerful weapon in the arsenal of the most powerful country in the world. Being part of a team is who I am. In my experience of growing up playing ice hockey, including four years of NCAA hockey, I know what it truly takes to be part of a team. Without the collaboration of every member of the group, the objective will not be accomplished; no one individual can do it alone. In order for a team to succeed, responsible, respectable individuals need to lead the way. I have been the Captain of every sporting team I have ever been on. I was named Captain of my college ice hockey team my Junior year and was also selected to be on the board for the Student Athlete Advisory Committee. My senior year I was again selected as the captain of the hockey team, I was also elected to be president of the Student Athlete Advisory Committee. Expanding my leadership not only to the hockey team, but to every athletic team on campus.

I gave everything to my College for four years; blood, sweat, and tears. I can say full-heartedly that I am proud of my college accomplishments. I left my mark on my college, I truly believe that I left that institution in better shape than when I entered it. In my time at college I volunteered with the New York State Special Olympics and I am proud to say that through the tireless efforts of my team, we managed to change the venue of the annual Spring games to my Universities field house. An event that due to a recent contract will remain there until the year 2018. For two years I was in charge of all the volunteers for this event. The memories of these games to me are some of the most rewarding from my entire life. I am very happy to know that I helped start a tradition that I hope will continue there far into the future.

I know the opportunities that I have been given, other kids could never even dream of. A lot of that is due to the tireless efforts of my extremely hard working parents. But first and foremost this country has given them the chance to be the wonderful providers that they are. This country gives us liberties that others don't. It also gives us the best security in the world, knowing that there are people out there every day in harm's way fighting for those liberties and freedoms that many take for granted. I, for one, do not. Given the opportunity, I want to give back to this country that has given me so much. I want the opportunity to wake up every day striving to be a better person for my team and my country, so that I know without any reasonable doubt that I have made my family, my country, and the U.S. Navy proud.

I'd check your comma usage. Seems like you have a ton of overuse/incorrect use of the comma.

 

[Gryfer]

Edits/thoughts below in red.

Hey everybody,
You all have helped me when it came to the ASTB and reading all of the forums on the test really helped. Now I am asking you guys for your thoughts on my motivational statement, be harsh if needed I am welcoming all criticisms. I was trying to sound confident but am I coming across as too confident and into arrogance? Thanks guys in advance.


Why Navy? Why do you want to be a Naval officer?

I want to be a U.S. Naval officer because there is no harder job in the world. The opportunity to rise to the challenges of everyday life in the Navy and have no other option but to succeed[,] [remove] is the type of environment I want to be in everyday. Growing up by the ocean[,][add] I have always had a great respect for it and all it has to offer. Ever since my father took me to "Bring Your Child to Work Day" at [remove extra space here]Boeing in Long Beach, I have wanted to be a pilot. I knew when I was young I wanted to be a pilot in the U.S. Navy [optional, but I like shortening this to "I have wanted to be a pilot -- specifically, a Naval Aviator]. Being from a strong family with a big [try: an extensive] military background I have always been attracted to serving this country. After the countless hours of my grandfather telling me stories of World War II; how the Army and the war shaped him into the exceptional husband, father, grandfather, and role model he was. [This is not a complete sentence. You're essentially just saying "After X and Y," and then leaving the sentence incomplete. It's like saying "After I left the mall and got some ice cream." Finish the sentence or cut it.] Those traits of striving for perfection and being the best possible man he could be[,][remove] was engrained in him when he enlisted to serve this country. My grandfather is [another double space]a person that I try to emulate myself after and he is just one of the many reasons I have to want a commission and serve this great country. [This sentence is in passive voice. Try rearranging it to something more like "I attempt to emulate my grandfather in all that I do, as he is one of the many reasons I seek a commission to serve this great country." Active voice is almost always preferred over passive voice.]

Being a U.S. Naval officer is about being part of something greater than yourself. It is being part of the most powerful team in the world. That is the most powerful weapon in the arsenal of the most powerful country in the world. Being part of a team is who I am. In my experience of growing up playing ice hockey, [another double space -- check your entire document for these. They're only acceptable after a full-stop period.] including four years of NCAA hockey, I know what it truly takes to be part of a team. Without the collaboration of every member of the group, the objective will not be accomplished; no one individual can do it alone. In order for a team to succeed, responsible, respectable [this reads awkwardly because it starts like a list, then your brain realizes it isn't. This can be avoided by switching from passive to active voice. "Responsible, respectable individuals need to lead the way in order for a team to succeed."] individuals need to lead the way. I have been the Captain of every sporting team I have ever been on [what other sports?]. I was named Captain of my college ice hockey team my Junior year and was also selected to be on the board for the Student Athlete Advisory Committee. My senior year I was again selected as the captain [are you going to capitalize it or not? Pick Captain or captain and stick with it.] of the hockey team, I was also elected to be president [capitalize] of the Student Athlete Advisory Committee. Expanding my leadership not only to the hockey team, but to every athletic team on campus.

I gave everything to my College [change to X College, e.g. Boston College] for four years; blood, sweat, and tears. I can say full-heartedly [I've never heard the term full-heartedly. Maybe it's a term, but I've only ever heard wholeheartedly (which is unhyphenated)] that I am proud of my college accomplishments. I left my mark on my college [again, be consistent with your capitalization], I truly believe that I left that institution in better shape than when I entered it. In my time at college I volunteered with the New York State Special Olympics and I am proud to say that through the tireless efforts of my team, we managed to change the venue of the annual Spring games to my Universities [University's] field house. An event that[,] due to a recent contract[,] [add the commas or, preferably, remove the "due to a recent contract" part] will remain there until the year 2018. For two years I was in charge of all the volunteers for this event [using 'event' too much. Event has no emotion, make it real]. The memories of these games to me are some of the most rewarding from my entire life. I am very happy to know that I helped start a tradition that I hope will continue there far into the future. [This paragraph is sweet and all, but the question asks 'Why do you want to be a Naval officer?" Clearly you're proud of what you did in college, but how did that lead you to choose the Navy? I know you said you wanted it since you were a kid, but this feels like an entirely different paper at this point. Keep in mind what you're answering -- you're not given the narrative form of your resume here.]

I know the opportunities that I have been given, other kids could never even dream of [don't end your sentences in prepositions [e.g. "of"]. also, I am not a fan of this sentence. it definitely makes it sound like you lucked into things instead of earning them. don't write ANYTHING negative in your statement. if you really want to use this mentality, switch instead to "I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to succeed thanks to the freedoms guaranteed by this country" or something along those lines. keep in mind that you haven't mentioned anything about the country giving your parents opportunities, so it's going to feel kind of cliched and out of left field to end like that, or like you do in the next two sentences]. A lot of that is due to the tireless efforts of my extremely hard working parents. But first and foremost this country has given them the chance to be the wonderful providers that they are. This country gives us liberties that others don't [don't use contractions in a formal writing, just simply switch to "do not"]. It also gives us the best security in the world, knowing that there are people out there every day in harm's way fighting for those liberties and freedoms that many take for granted [this is tricky to say, but follow me. your first clause is about the best security, your second clause is about feeling secure. they're related, but not. When you use a comma at the beginning of the sentence, one way to read that is as if you're essentially taking an ending clause and moving it to the front to qualify what you're about to say, example: "As a student, I went to class" could also be said as "I went to class as a student." When you reverse this sentence, it says "Knowing that there are people out there every day in harm's way fighting for those liberties and freedoms that many take for granted gives us the best security in the world. read that way, you can probably see how it doesn't make sense. stated in more grammatical English terms, the antecedent for "it" is your second clause, but the antecedent clause doesn't make sense with the qualification clause]. I, for one, do not. Given the opportunity, I want to give back to this country that has given me so much [you're back into the touchy-feely buzz words. you didn't explain really at all how the country has given you so much. you just said you want to be part of the world's most powerful team and you had a lot of good college experiences -- how is this conclusion related to that?]. I want the opportunity to wake up every day striving to be a better person for my team and my country, so that I know without any reasonable doubt that I have made my family, my country, and the U.S. Navy proud [this is probably just a personal thing for me, but I read this and think that you're doing this for other people and not just yourself.].

Long story short:
[1] Answer the question more directly, don't just narrate your resume. The question is "Why do you want to be a Naval Officer?" The answer I ultimately feel like I got is "I've wanted to be a pilot for a long time, the Navy's got big guns and they seem like a cool group of guys, here's a bunch of cool stuff I did in college to show I'm a cool guy too, and buzzwords x 6."
[2] Almost your entire statement was written in passive voice. Change "When I was X, I Y'd" to "I Y'd when I was X". See the student/class example I added in the edits.
[3] Your conclusion is supposed to be where you tie together what you wrote about. They read hundreds of these things and they're going to see that buzzword stuff of "this country has given me so much" and "I want the opportunity to serve" on literally every paper. You either have to be unique in how you use it [rare] or use it throughout to tie it together at the end. Otherwise, your statement blurs in with the others.
[4] Flow things together. I think this will take care of itself a little bit if you work on #1, but I've got a big hint for you: Write your conclusion first. That's going to be what you want to stick with the Selection Board. Obviously since you want it to stick, you'll say it last. Then work up from your conclusion. If you find that you really want to drive home that you know how a team needs to function and you've got that experience as a Captain of all these sports teams, drive that point home. These statements have extremely limited space, they don't expect you to tell them every single thing in your life and why you're the perfect candidate and the next General MacArthur. Find something you can sell and sell that. As a sports team Captain, you sound like you should be in good shape -- wouldn't go amiss to mention that in there somehow, if you can shoehorn it in without it being awkward.

 

[dirtybidness]

Hey gang,

long time lurker, first time poster. I am about to submit my packet for SNA and SNFO and would love some feedback on my motivational. I completed the ASTB with scores 58, 8, 8, 8, and am otherwise good-to-go on the background, etc. Please and thanks for your criticism in advance.


Of all the factors which lead me to desire the career path of a United States Naval Officer, the greatest is the notion of a life worth living.

I grew up Navy, the son and grandson of Naval Aviators, and spent many of my earlier years on bases, acquiring from a young age an appreciation of service. Unlike some civilian peers, I came to view my liberties as bought with the sweat and blood of others; something not to be taken lightly. As a kid I enjoyed being on base and feeling the roar of the jets overhead. Also inspirational was the self-discipline and steadfast integrity I saw in men and women in uniform. I aspired to live righteously and adventurously, as they did, and to do something others cannot; I also found love of the ocean and saw the Navy as a way to be near it. But as motivating as these factors have been, none have inspired me so much as the need to one day look back on my life and conclude that I lived a life worth living.

My rearing has not been one without the usual bumps and wear. I have learned many lessons, some the hard way, but I have always resolved not to make the same mistake twice. Without doubt, it is the support from my friends and family that delivered me to the opportunity I face today, and the lessons I learned from them have been invaluable. One experience I am thankful for is time spent at a military academy as a young man. The school was run by the respective services, and while there I learned the importance of self-discipline, respect for order, and leadership which serves itself last. Such selfless leadership seems a far-cry from what I observe in the corporate world of employment.

I have learned that to be a strong leader is easier when all goes according to plan; it is when things go wrong that it becomes more difficult, and the characteristics of an adaptive, evolving leader become crucial. This experience showed itself during a specialized mission that I was called on for. I served as a test jumper (para), an airborne spotter, a range safety officer and a member of our desert recovery team during a televised flight test operation involving the deliberate downing of a Boeing 727. We experienced a number of challenges, all of which my team and I dealt with flexibly and using situational leadership. Our team completed the flight test with a perfect safety record and a full completion of our objectives. As a potential leader in the United States Navy I will readily apply said lessons and experiences to my duties.

I’ve had opportunities to become involved in several careers, and have thoroughly considered all options. I know the prospects of profit and I understand the attraction of the business world. The Navy, however, as I have grown to understand, is one of the only existing establishments which values principle over profit, encouraging members to act in the right way, rather than simply the lucrative way. Such is an organization that I can go to work for every day, knowing that my dedication serves good purpose.

If afforded the opportunity to earn a commission as a third generation United States Naval Officer, I will make my country, the United States Navy, my family and myself proud and will exhibit the finest examples of behavior becoming an officer. From work experience as a leader of teams in diverse air support environments to technical aviation experience as a pilot myself, the aviation community is one in which I believe I can succeed.

 

[Donald Auld]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post on AW. I am getting ready to take the ASTB on Friday and I was hoping I could get some external input on my motivational statement. So here goes.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A man, and a Naval Officer, should be able to hold his head high and state his name with a sense of pride, pride in who he is and the things he has accomplished.

Five years ago, I was not a man who was capable of fulfilling this statement. I was an overweight Texas state prison guard with no plans or aspirations to achieve more, and I certainly was not proud. I knew this was not what I wanted out of life, and at the time I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I did know I could not use my current situation to attain it.

Since then, I have lost over 100 pounds, enrolled at Texas Tech University as a civil engineering student, held officer positions in several student organizations including two presidential positions, and maintained a 3.25 GPA, all while working to pay for my education. In May of 2015, I will graduate not only with my bachelor’s degree, but also with a firm knowledge that I can now state my name with a sense of pride. In my time at Texas Tech, I have interned with two civil engineering design firms, both of which asked me to stay and continue my employment with them. Although I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the work and my time with them, I still yearn for more than going to an office from eight to five week in and week out. I am thirsty for the unique adventure that I would experience as a Naval Officer and Aviator. To be fulfilled by devoting myself to the rigor and dedication that life as a United States Naval Officer requires is what my heart truly desires. Serving alongside the best, bravest, and brightest men and women the United States has to offer is the epitome of honor, and would be spring board for a remarkable legacy.

Albert Einstein once said, “Try not to be a man of success, but a man of value.” This is the quintessential statement of my life. It is imperative to me that I am of value to the organization that employs me, rather than it being solely of value to me. My personal success should pale in comparison to the overall ambitions of the organization I am serving. I have been a leader and an example among my peers, and I am a constant display of the benefits of hard work. However, no organization can become successful from the efforts of a single person, but with exceptional leadership skills one person can transform a poorly integrated faction into a highly motivated force. Being a Texas State Prison Guard granted me the opportunity to learn not only how to give orders but also how to execute them. With maintaining order among the incarcerated as my primary objective, I was taught the importance of personnel management and attention to detail, as well as how to maintain my composure in high stress situations. These opportunities have afforded me a wealth of experience in leading people and ultimately becoming a multidimensional leader.

My life’s ventures have not all been successes, but despite this, and more importantly, I have never let myself concede to defeat. A challenge is not always measured by how big or how small it is, but by the level of perseverance the task requires. I take pride in the quality of work that I deliver, and I have faith that I will be an indispensable asset to the United States Naval force. The knowledge I have gained as an engineer has trained my mind to utilize analytical thinking to solve both technical and social problems. I have also attained a minor in mathematics and a high level of comprehension in physics. My ability in these respects are beneficial when making time sensitive decisions. With the assistance of these skills I have become competent in my methods for designing and executing plans to effectively use the personnel under my leadership.

Over the last few years, my life’s task has been to hone the necessary proficiencies to become the finest human being I can be. This is why I firmly believe a profession as a Naval Officer and Aviator is a fitting career to utilize my life and skills, as well as create a legacy for my name, that I, Donald Toby Matthew Auld, can state proudly.

 

[Gradius]

Alright, I've been struggling with my statement for a while now and I could really use some constructive criticism. I am by no means a good writer, it was probably my least favorite part of college hands down. But here it goes...

I’ve always felt like I missed something by taking the college route after high school. For a long as I can remember I have wanted to serve my country. I grew up hearing stories from my father who served in the Coast Guard and I watched my sister leave for the Army when I was ten. Now almost three years after earning my degree that feeling hasn’t faded, and it’s never too late to chase a dream.

My grandfather served in the Navy during World War II. I know that he was on a battleship and I remember how difficult it was for him to hear because of the deafness caused by the guns firing. My mother always told me that he was there when Japan surrendered, though where ‘there’ is I’m not sure. I didn’t know him very well and I was young when he passed but his memory left an impression. I always imagined what it must have been like living on a ship and traveling to different parts of the world and now I know I have my chance to not only be a part of that very same Navy but to be molded by it.

I have played sports all my life and learned the importance of team dynamics at an early age. I realize that the decisions I make don’t just affect me but also those around me and I shoulder that responsibility on a daily basis working for people with special needs. This job requires me to always be objective and maintain consistency on a level that the people I work with deserve; a simple unexpected surprise can cause devastating effects to a person with autism. The leadership and attention to detail that I’ve acquired through my experiences are skills that I can bring to the Navy, both to apply as an officer held to the highest standards and to build on and improve through new experiences.

 

[Geordie]

Hello AW community, I found this site via Google. My recruiter didn't know or mention it to me but it's truly an invaluable resource!! Thanks everyone for the time and effort you're putting in. I have quickly found myself helping people through PMs and it can be time consuming but also very rewarding. I will be submitting my packet for the next IDC board which is quite a ways off. However, it's better to get it all squared away now so I can adjust to any unforeseen obstacles. Below I'm posting my motivational statement and requesting that the community please give me some feedback.

Thanks in advance,
_____________________________________________________________>

I was born on US Army Garrison-Wiesbaden to a now retired USAF mustang O-5, and a naturalized Korean-American USAFR E-7. As a military dependent I grew up on, or around, US military installations in Asia, Europe and America. Enjoying joint assignments with my parents afforded me the chance to interact with active duty and retired service personnel from all branches. My father was a career Intelligence officer, and as a kid attending his organizational social events, I took his community’s high ethics, intelligence, trustworthiness, patriotism and pride of profession for granted. Now that I’ve traveled and gotten older, I’ve realized the qualities and attributes of military professionals are not universal. After a lifetime of observation, my desire for a Navy career comes from my respect for Naval personnel and the Navy’s ability to successfully conduct extremely complicated global operations under the sea, above the sea, in the air and on the ground.

As an adult I've studied abroad and worked in both the US and Asia. Over the years I have learned to work with, follow or lead, people of diverse cultures, religions, ethnic backgrounds and nationalities. As an exchange student at Kansai Gaidai University in Osaka, I was constantly challenged to lead and be led by colleagues from 20 different nations. These experiences with non-native English speakers required me to become extremely precise and concise with my instructions and directions. Our projects were incredibly detailed and miscommunication at any stage led to scrapping and a restarting of the whole process. During my MBA program at Korea University in Seoul, my ability to successfully lead fellow students, sometimes 15 years my senior, was at first doubted. I had very strong convictions that creating a collaborative, not competitive, atmosphere was beneficial to everyone. Ultimately they believed in me as evidenced by my election to Class Vice President. As proof of my successful vision, collaborative consultations and team leadership all but one of my classmates finished with a GPA 3.5 or above. I overcame local cultural barriers and showed fellow students and faculty that change done respectfully can be tremendously valuable.

During my professional career I've also successfully demonstrated an aptitude to lead. As a substitute teacher and certified English as a second language instructor in Austin Texas and Busan Korea, every day I had to quickly establish control of a new batch of native and non-native English speaking students from elementary, middle and high school, including Austin’s Alternative Learning Center for “At Risk” high school students. As a Samsung Group and Microsoft Korea corporate trainer in Seoul, establishing instant credibility was crucial to my adult trainees respecting me as a lecturer and group facilitator. My trainees were mid-level executives and rising stars in their respective organizations, so testing the aptitude of the instructor was commonplace. In the end, through depth of knowledge, poise and maturity I was always able to establish authority in structured workshops.

After working in the US and Asia, I’ve realized I want to volunteer for a career in military service and work for my country’s interests rather than corporate shareholder profits. The U.S. military and its members are admired at home and internationally for their expertise, professionalism, and mission successes. I’ve lived a total of five years in Japan, five years in Korea and six years in multi-cultural Hawaii. As a student in Japan and Korea I’ve formally studied Asian history, culture, politics, business practices and the Japanese and Korean languages. If given the opportunity by the Navy I would study China and Chinese, with the goal of becoming a US Navy China specialist under the IDC designator. Conversely, If the Navy feels I could contribute more to the mission in a different discipline, I’d gladly serve the Navy in that capacity.

 

[Al. Poison]

First post. Can someone take a look for me? I feel like there is so much more I want to talk about but i'm out of room.

____________________________________________

My name is (Blank) and I would be proud and honored to be an officer and pilot in the US Navy by following in the footsteps of my grandfather, Commander (Blank). I am currently employed as an Associate Civil Engineer with (Blank) in (Blank), having recently graduated with a degree in Civil Engineering from the University of (Blank). I am currently a member of the Chi Epsilon honors society, the former student chapter president of Engineers without Borders as well as a certified Divemaster. For the next step in my future, I look forward to the esteemed opportunity to give back to my country and serve as an officer in the United States Navy.

I am motivated and determined to join the US Navy because I want to be the best that I can be. I am also committed to improving myself and those around me every day. As an officer I will inspire those around me to be the best version of themselves and I will strive to help others to achieve that which they once thought unachievable. I hope to minimize and resolve conflicts between parties and to complete every task assigned to me and my team. As a pilot I will be committed to becoming the best pilot I can be and to learn all that is necessary and more in this pursuit. I will strive to become a better pilot every day and to protect the life and safety of my comrades.

Take the impossible and make it possible. In my life one universal rule has held true, the more effort you exert on an object, the more that object will tend to exert force back, until that object cannot continue to produce equal force and gets out of the way. This life code saved me when I was trapped in a 0 visibility situation at 17 years old as a trainee divemaster with a panicked much older diver in a cave located 60 feet underwater, while waiting at the entrance for the group, I saw a large silt plume develop from the entrance of the cave as the group left the tunnel, after waiting a few minutes with the group and not seeing the diver return I went into the cave blind with no other options as I knew oxygen was getting low for the diver. By sheer luck I felt the diver swim by me and grabbed his leg and then checked his oxygen. With the diver panicking and with a nearly depleted tank I supplied him with my alternate regulator. With no knowledge or training of what to do in that situation and with oxygen running out I calmed my heart down and flipped on my back and traced the roof of the cave with my right hand while holding on to the panicked diver with my left, by feeling the elevation difference of the cave I found my way to the entrance and led the diver out of the cave to his son who was waiting anxiously at the entrance. I later found out that two other people had died in that cave earlier that year from that exact same situation, and that the leader of that dive should not have brought anyone untrained into that cave.

My rule also helped me when programming a new technology for a solar house called (Blank) which was designed for a competition by the US department of energy in Washington D.C. I remember staying up almost every night until 4 a.m. for a year and a half working on this project. I programmed the house via Kinect cameras to interact with the people inside the house using an infrared array of thousands of light points, each point with individual relative special coordinates which would pick up and recognize the individual features of a person’s face and body. By just pointing and issuing a voice command or by raising a finger, the user could manipulate things such as lighting levels of the house and individual appliances within the house, I did this all prior to any release of a software development kit, which meant a lot of reverse engineering.

During my half semester tenure as president of the Engineers without Borders chapter at (Blank), I used this mindset to obtain $20,000 in grant funds for our project in Nicaragua and also sent two students from (Blank) to a conference in San Diego. Through independent research grants I studied a technology for a year similar to what the US Navy is currently developing which allows the extraction of volatile gases from ocean water by electrolysis. All this while completing my bachelor’s degree of science in civil engineering and while taking advanced classes in marine geotechnical and ocean engineering as well as extracurricular classes such as advanced courses in world maritime history. Additionally, I played on our intramural soccer league team.

As a civil engineer working in (Blank) on a billion dollar state (blank) program, I interact with teams of cross-cultural groups daily and am expected to help coordinate multiple overlapping projects which can sometimes be difficult to do. Being deemed a (Racially insensitive term) has made it more so. I learn a lot from my bosses and attempt to emulate them as they are some of the greatest team-players I know and I am always as humble as I can be. I am learning how to interface with people much older than I am and I'm starting to learn to identify conflicts of interest when they arise. A lot of my job involves problem solving, but I have also discovered the importance of communication and understanding different kinds of people, cultures, and ethnicities. I have found that a person who is very skilled technically but is not able to communicate effectively is just as inept.

I am proud of my achievements, but I am also aware that I will always have room to improve and to grow. I know that I have a lot to learn. I respect, listen, and obey those who are my superiors, but I am beginning to understand that those who work under me and with me, are my responsibility and my clients. If I am not working for them to make sure that they are getting what they need to do their job effectively then I am not succeeding.

I hope that through this page I have been able to show you my path of development and by this I hope you agree with my belief. I believe that becoming an officer and a pilot in the US Navy is the right decision for me to continue to learn and grow. I hope to follow in my grandfathers footsteps. I want to fly high and exceed all possibilities before me. I am honored to serve my country. I am committed to do what is necessary. I have courage to take the next step to become the person I know I can be.

 

[zsmall1]

Hey everyone,

First time posting here and I wanted to get some feedback on my statement since I'll be submitting a package at the end of the month for SWO/Intel. Wasn't sure how to approach this and if I was required to specify why I want to go SWO or Intel so I just tried to be candid and give it to them straight. I've been working for two years at a reputable technology company and absolutely hate it. I've never seen so many empty suits in one place and executives that think of themselves as gods and who quite honestly don't even do much work. I've come to realize how detached some people are when they are concerned about their seven figure bonus while others are being laid off and young unemployed adults recently out of college are homeless outside our office. My uncle served in the Navy way back, my cousin is currently an EOD Officer, and now I want to make the leap and do something that will truly be rewarding rather than succumbing to misery behind a desk at a young age. I have the rest of my life for that. I appreciate any feedback that you can offer, please be critical. Thanks.

____________________________________________________________________

To the members of the board,


I am writing to you today seeking your approval to be accepted into Officer Candidate School so that I can pursue what I believe is one of the most challenging and honorable endeavors, becoming a United States Navy Officer. The opportunity to become a US Naval Officer is one that I would thrive in because of my desire to serve my nation’s interests and to help lead others. For the past two years I have worked for a Fortune 100 technology company, and despite this being a rewarding experience, I want an environment where I will be able to challenge myself to the extremes both mentally and physically, but more importantly where I can contribute to a cause I truly believe in, our nation’s defense.


A strong sense of national pride was imbued in me at a very young age having grown up in an area heavily impacted by 9/11. Growing up not far from Lower Manhattan, I’ll never forget the feelings of utter bewilderment, uncertainty, and despair that overcame me in the days and weeks following the attacks, a time when military jets were a common sight in the skies above my middle school. Two months later my father brought me down to Ground Zero where I witnessed the still smoldering ruins, countless photos of those missing littered along the streets, and the eeriness of a silent lower Manhattan, an experience I will never forget. There were stories across my town of parents that missed the morning train or decided to bring their child to school, fortunate decisions that spared them from being in those buildings during the attacks. But those instances were ultimately overshadowed by the stories of parents that did make it to work that day, including a friend’s father and uncle who both arrived on time at the top of the South Tower. Witnessing this at a young age and growing up to see the devastating effects that one day can have on the course of another child’s life has certainly helped me maintain perspective throughout life. What I feel is most unfortunate is that I have grown up in a generation where many have become ignorant by forgetting about the past and taking for granted what all the brave men and women of our armed services sacrifice to protect us. We are incredibly fortunate to live where we do and the opportunity to serve my country alongside others that harbor these same views is an effort that I want to be a part of.


A career in the Navy will offer me experiences that I simply won’t be able to find anywhere else in the civilian world. The notion of managing people, overseeing complex systems, or assisting with humanitarian relief at a young age is a level of responsibility that will challenge me in so many ways and help me grow as an individual. Developing leadership skills are critical in any domain and there is no better place to learn than with the world’s most highly capable Navy. I have always tried to lead to the best of my ability whether it was as captain of my high school baseball team, tutoring students, or helping my college baseball team win our conference each year. In addition to my passion for athletics and other extra-curricular activities, I remained driven in the classroom and managed a rigorous course load while at Johns Hopkins before graduating early. My decision to apply for OCS was delayed until now because of a hip surgery I required after college, which prompted me to take a role in the civilian world until fully recovered. I am now fully recovered and have even competed in multiple competitive races including the 2014 NYC Triathlon. I have a strong desire for the competitive and structured environment that the United States Navy has to offer and would be dedicated to the values of honor, courage, and commitment just as my relatives that served in the Navy before me did. I am confident I will be able to give a lot to the United States Navy but I know I will get even more in return by serving this great nation.

 

[swerdna]

A statement

Sounds good to me, although you have a lot of "I" in there, and it sounds a little dramatic at the beginning (sweat and blood). I would say the focus shouldn't be so that you could look back and say your life was worthwhile, but that you had a positive impact and made the lives of others worthwhile.

Otherwise it sounds good and sounds like you have more to offer than others.

 

[swerdna]

First post. Can someone take a look for me? I feel like there is so much more I want to talk about but i'm out of room.

Some thoughts:

- It's too long
- Some of your statements sound like old recruiting slogans ("fly high" and "be the best that I can be") and trite
- Are you sure you want to be a pilot? Your achievements all sound good, but it seems like they're geared toward applying for an engineering or oceanography position. What does programming a solar house have to do with being a pilot? Try to focus and shorten them a little and tailor them to how they will be useful in the cockpit.

You've got a lot of experience, just try to focus it more.

 

[swerdna]

Here's a statement

This is very good and you probably don't need to change anything, except maybe at the end. The last sentence seems more focused on what you'll get, try to make it about what the Navy gets from you.

On the side, it's probably better not to mention anything to anyone about the executives you didn't like, because it makes you sound a little jaded, and unfortunately we have some of those too.

 

[swerdna]

His statement

You might want to drop the first sentence, it doesn't really apply to the rest of the statement.
I got the impression that you equate success to value, for example, the Navy isn't concerned that you'll use it to make a legacy for your name.
You seem determined and headstrong, and have leadership experience, focus on how those will help the Navy.