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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Others disagree about this, but I say no. Emphatically.
If you're motivation is fluff you've got some problems, IMO. And given that the question is "what is your motivation," I find the "well, I have a 3.8 in Farsi Literature with 400 flight hours" answer less than satisfactory. Oh, and that approach is one they hear all the time as well.
As for the statement:
-There are no contractions in formal writing. (Well... You know what I mean. None of this "I've" business.)
-"A bit"? Way too informal. As is the use of the 2nd person (i.e. "you can't...").
-The punctuation is just bad. There are many superfluous commas, with a sprinkling of other mistakes. I'm not willing to wade through it all since you would be wise to heavily revise your essay. I will help you once you get a more refined product.
I highly recommend reading Strunk & White.
DJCarrQuincy
DJCarrQuincy
m26 - Thanks for feedback. After looking over my statement I agree it definitely needs some work. My motivation is not fluff in any way shape or form. I have the right reasons, I need to express them better. That's why I posted here. It has been quite some time since I sat in an English class. I will be back with an improved statement soon. Thanks again.
That's really the entire deal here. That sentence pretty much answers all of the questions about content.
If it feels like fluff, it is not motivation.
If it feels like a resume, it is not motivation.
If it feels like... you get the idea.
I can tell somehow that you do have good motivation (maybe... I feel like the Miss Cleo Tarot card lady saying that though). Some people do not have real motivation, and (I think) I can tell right away when I read it.
Ponder it more - worry less about what they "get too much of" or what they "want". Like m26 said, they probably get a lot of similar statements that can probably be sorted into several categories. Everything you can think of as an angle they have gotten a million times. Genuine, though, is still genuine.
All in all, though, your statement does not ring of fluff, too much. It has issues, m26 addressed those. But content is not fluff, or a resume (even though in your foreword you threaten to do just that)
Plus I don't know if it is personal opinion or good gouge, but don't say "what sets me apart from other candidates" or "what makes me great" type things. If you write a good statement and have a good app they will notice. It is literally their job to notice. Telling them what is important somehow devalues your statements, especially when you are saying something about your intangible, unverifiable "sense of maturity". Your work experience should tell that. Mentioning your time as a construction worker in the statement shines a light on it for them, and that's good. Telling them it makes you the best thing they will see is, I don't know... cheap?
GlennH
New Member
@ yakboyslim
Thank you for the input my man. I agree with what your saying about me talking too much about my traits and not backing it up with examples. I wish it could be more than 400 words! I think ill just have to make my statement a little more specific and not talk about so many different reasons why i would be a good naval officer (did that make any sense?) Well either way its good advice i appreciate it.
Thank you for the input my man. I agree with what your saying about me talking too much about my traits and not backing it up with examples. I wish it could be more than 400 words! I think ill just have to make my statement a little more specific and not talk about so many different reasons why i would be a good naval officer (did that make any sense?) Well either way its good advice i appreciate it.
I'm glad I could help. I feel bad, just looked back and realized I said I would edit more, and then apparently never did. When you get a rewrite done make sure to post up here and I will take another swing at it.
Specifics are good, in a way this is your chance to focus the boards attention. They see the whole picture in your app, you need to guide where they are looking.
Specifics are good, in a way this is your chance to focus the boards attention. They see the whole picture in your app, you need to guide where they are looking.
Motivational statement in need of critiquing! And please feel free to be as rough as necessary on the criticism, the truth is always viewed as constructive in my eyes.
________________________________________________________________
Adlai E. Stevenson once stated, “Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.” I seek a commission as a Naval officer in the United States Navy because I desire to make a career out of serving this great country.
What I offer is an individual with a leadership mentality who has the desire to learn how to effectively lead others, and I believe that the Navy is the best possible venue for this to occur. It will not only allow me to learn and grow as a person, but allow me to serve.
Growing up in an entrepreneurial household and now working in a small company myself I have come to appreciate the importance of teamwork. In such an environment I have learned that it is essential for every member of the team to work together for the company to be a success.
Additionally my work experience extends to that of sole financial manager at the small construction company. I am in charge of a multimillion dollar budget and cash flow and my input is requested on any major financial decisions the owner makes. Processingweekly payroll for fifty employees and ensuring cash flow remains uninterrupted are routine duties. Moreover in my third year working for the company the majority of my time here has been spent managing my responsibilities as a full time employee while also completing my degree as a full time student.
On another recent venture I exhibited the capability of setting a goal, planning the execution of it and completing it. Recently I had the privilege of completing a half marathon, having gone from couch potato to long distance runner with just three months of dedicated training. A decision was made, a plan was formulated, and execution occurred.
Long has a service to this nation been calling me coming from a family with a history in the Navy. War stories and historical battles caught my interest as a young boy. Events of terror and domestic attack strengthened my affinity to the nation as a young man, and I believe that one day my civic efforts will cement myself as an honorable serviceman to this great country.
________________________________________________________________
Adlai E. Stevenson once stated, “Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.” I seek a commission as a Naval officer in the United States Navy because I desire to make a career out of serving this great country.
What I offer is an individual with a leadership mentality who has the desire to learn how to effectively lead others, and I believe that the Navy is the best possible venue for this to occur. It will not only allow me to learn and grow as a person, but allow me to serve.
Growing up in an entrepreneurial household and now working in a small company myself I have come to appreciate the importance of teamwork. In such an environment I have learned that it is essential for every member of the team to work together for the company to be a success.
Additionally my work experience extends to that of sole financial manager at the small construction company. I am in charge of a multimillion dollar budget and cash flow and my input is requested on any major financial decisions the owner makes. Processingweekly payroll for fifty employees and ensuring cash flow remains uninterrupted are routine duties. Moreover in my third year working for the company the majority of my time here has been spent managing my responsibilities as a full time employee while also completing my degree as a full time student.
On another recent venture I exhibited the capability of setting a goal, planning the execution of it and completing it. Recently I had the privilege of completing a half marathon, having gone from couch potato to long distance runner with just three months of dedicated training. A decision was made, a plan was formulated, and execution occurred.
Long has a service to this nation been calling me coming from a family with a history in the Navy. War stories and historical battles caught my interest as a young boy. Events of terror and domestic attack strengthened my affinity to the nation as a young man, and I believe that one day my civic efforts will cement myself as an honorable serviceman to this great country.
Quotes remind me of high school essays. My PERSONAL feeling is that unless that quote, not what that quote means, is important to you don't put it. But, I don't know what to put instead. This one is really personal preference.
"What I offer..." sounds a little bit too much like a normal job application. Your intent is good, your delivery is bad. "Venue for this to occur" is bad word choice. Revise that.
This is good. Mentioning that you are taking classes while working is a good idea.
This is not a job with Prestige Worldwide, L.L.C. Co. Inc. I believe, or more I hope, that regular corporate interview response like this won't work on the officer board. I hope.
The paragraph feels forced, and insincere. Mentioning the marathon is great stuff, the other two sentences not so much.
Don't use that sentence structure. This is not a sentence anyone would say so why write it?
I like the notion here. The delivery is a bit odd, but its good. The first part about war stories threw me off a bit, but that might be because while I personally love the History Channel, war is just about the last reason I joined the Navy.
Overall it has good parts. I get a good vibe from it, if you will, but it feels forced at times. Think more about what motivates you, why the Navy (not just the military if you can), and why you. But try to put "why you" as least important.
Also try to forget everything you learned about what companies want to see on resumes, this is not a normal job. You can focus comments, but don't use these notions to write your paper.
motivational statement
Hey there, I just finished a draft of my motivational statement and I was wondering if I can get some critiquing/feedback? Thanks.
Becoming an officer in the Navy is something that I have wanted to do for nearly 10 years. I have had a desire, since an early age, to serve my country. After the horrific events of 9/11 and attaining U.S. citizenship in 2001, I have dreamed of defending the country that has given me every opportunity I could ever imagine and more. An adoptee of Korea, I have always been aware of how lucky I was to be living in America. I have attained an excellent education and have been able to pursue every interest I had. It is my strongest vocation as well as my duty to now give back to my beloved country and serve to the best of my abilities.
As young as age 10, I have been responsible for large groups of my peers. As the concertmaster of orchestras, I was responsible for the behavior and performance success of nearly 100 other students. If the maestro was not on time, it became my responsibility to start and lead rehearsals on time. Several times I have had to call every single member of my orchestra to organize extra rehearsals. I have been student coordinator and volunteer in outreach programs, bringing music to retirement homes, homeless shelters, hospitals and schools for the disabled. My experiences both as a musician and as a teacher have given me confidence in myself and my ability to make judgments. While pursuing my Bachelors Degree, I held several jobs. I was made senior staff and named Crew Chief on the school stage crew. At age 19, I was responsible for supervising and training my 8 person crew to work quickly and efficiently.
My study of music has also given me an excellent discipline and a keen determination. It has developed in me the ability to give my undivided attention and to my work for long periods of time even through physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.
I believe strongly that freedom, honor, courage and commitment are some of the most important values a person can have and I strive to live my life by the values of the United States and the U.S. Navy. I have a great respect for anyone who proudly serves their country, and it would be the greatest honor and privilege of my life to join these men and women as one of them.
Hey there, I just finished a draft of my motivational statement and I was wondering if I can get some critiquing/feedback? Thanks.
Becoming an officer in the Navy is something that I have wanted to do for nearly 10 years. I have had a desire, since an early age, to serve my country. After the horrific events of 9/11 and attaining U.S. citizenship in 2001, I have dreamed of defending the country that has given me every opportunity I could ever imagine and more. An adoptee of Korea, I have always been aware of how lucky I was to be living in America. I have attained an excellent education and have been able to pursue every interest I had. It is my strongest vocation as well as my duty to now give back to my beloved country and serve to the best of my abilities.
As young as age 10, I have been responsible for large groups of my peers. As the concertmaster of orchestras, I was responsible for the behavior and performance success of nearly 100 other students. If the maestro was not on time, it became my responsibility to start and lead rehearsals on time. Several times I have had to call every single member of my orchestra to organize extra rehearsals. I have been student coordinator and volunteer in outreach programs, bringing music to retirement homes, homeless shelters, hospitals and schools for the disabled. My experiences both as a musician and as a teacher have given me confidence in myself and my ability to make judgments. While pursuing my Bachelors Degree, I held several jobs. I was made senior staff and named Crew Chief on the school stage crew. At age 19, I was responsible for supervising and training my 8 person crew to work quickly and efficiently.
My study of music has also given me an excellent discipline and a keen determination. It has developed in me the ability to give my undivided attention and to my work for long periods of time even through physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.
I believe strongly that freedom, honor, courage and commitment are some of the most important values a person can have and I strive to live my life by the values of the United States and the U.S. Navy. I have a great respect for anyone who proudly serves their country, and it would be the greatest honor and privilege of my life to join these men and women as one of them.
I'm on vacation and it's late, so for now I'll just point out the obvious mistakes in the first ¶.
No commas necessary.
Did you become a citizen before or after 11/09/2001? Why was it only then that you began to dream?
Don't write 9/11. It's informal (and also I hate that term for the attacks).
I'm pretty sure this means that you were adopted by the government of Korea. "Korean adoptee" mebbe?
Looks [at first glance, and I'm not gonna take a second right now...] like inconsistent tenses.
No commas necessary.
Did you become a citizen before or after 11/09/2001? Why was it only then that you began to dream?
Don't write 9/11. It's informal (and also I hate that term for the attacks).
I'm pretty sure this means that you were adopted by the government of Korea. "Korean adoptee" mebbe?
Looks [at first glance, and I'm not gonna take a second right now...] like inconsistent tenses.
itjoew
New Member
How Long??
I have been reading a lot of good motivational statements on here and I am in the process of writing my statements. I have noticed that statements on here are pretty long. The directions say that each statement should be between 200 and 250 words. I was wondering if I should go by this direction and limit my statements to the 250 word max or just fill up the space given?
I have been reading a lot of good motivational statements on here and I am in the process of writing my statements. I have noticed that statements on here are pretty long. The directions say that each statement should be between 200 and 250 words. I was wondering if I should go by this direction and limit my statements to the 250 word max or just fill up the space given?
Follow the directions. You might get away with going over, but it's not worth it. Write more concisely.
EDIT: PS, because you are, I take it, a fleet applicant you have a few 250 word statements. Most of the statements on here are from civilians, who have one 400 word statement to write.
EDIT: PS, because you are, I take it, a fleet applicant you have a few 250 word statements. Most of the statements on here are from civilians, who have one 400 word statement to write.