I guess all my English professors who gave me A's in high level Middle English literature class-- many known for being extremely harsh graders-- were wrong. You should apply to be a English professor at my school so you can save us all.
OK, I started out as an English major (the less said about that, the gooder), but didn't stay with it so you can take any advice on your awesome language skills with a grain of salt.
However, I've sat on a dozen officer interview panels and I can tell you that your first stab at a motivational statement is confusing (it
obfuscates, in the English-lit speak you feel comfortable with), and contains empty platitudes constructed in a way that sounds awkward. You might believe that a statement like that is so different that it will set you apart from your peers, but it is actually a missed opportunity to tell the board something factual about you, and help them to picture you as an officer. It reads like someone who is trying to sound older and has exhausted the thesaurus function of spellcheck (I'm not saying that all of that language didn't spring forth from your noggin, just that it reads like someone who is struggling with grown up language). It is actually more difficult to express a lot about yourself in clear, plain language than use a bunch of highfalutin purple prose. Also, if you ask for criticism you are going to have to be prepared for it, and accept it with grace and good humor.
FYI: This thread keeps getting dangerously close to getting locked, since it seems an exercise in futility.
1) an inanimate object can have resolve.
No argument there from me, dude. And it can be very powerful, too.
