Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[a-6intruder]

Skid:

This needs some major work. You already know that. Below are some recommendations. Most of the info is there - you just need to package it better. My impressions:

Your first paragraph is too strong an opening and is better suited for later in your essay.

Same reminder I've given everyone else: stay away from "I have always" such as "I have always lived my life..." Wherever possible, write in present tense: "I live my life..."

The word count below is about 240 words - not sure what your max number can be, but you need to target between 90 and 100% - if the max is 500, you need between 450 and 500. So, you migt need to come up with an opening paragraph to give you the numbers you need.

Good luck.
- --

I fly helicopters as a commercial pilot and have 900 hours of pilot time in them. I enjoy the challenge but I desire more purpose to be associated with my profession. Navy helicopters perform a myriad of missions - search and rescue, logistics, anti-submarine warfare, and special operations. Some of these missions are humanitarian in nature; some are combat support. All contribute to enabling the Navy to maintain a visible presence in support of our allies and act as a tangible deterrent to our enemies. I want to be part of a profession that is rewarding and meaningful. I want to go to work everyday knowing what I am doing is serving the greater good and making a positive impact in the world. I hope to live my life such that when I die, the honor associated with my family name and my own personal reputation and integrity remain intact.

I am a team player. Teamwork is the lifeblood of everything; without it nothing worthwhile will flourish. Participating in sports from an early age and up through college taught me the fundamentals of leadership, character development, and perseverance. I learned diligence and dedication while playing sports and I will bring that passion to the Navy. I look forward to leading Sailors while performing my assigned tasks and missions and I consider it an honor and privilege to be able to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[Fetus]

Skid, I thought I might help you with your statement. I’m assuming this is for your OCS package. I’ve been writing in the Navy for quite a while, so take this for what it’s worth. Here’s a few general points to consider:
1. The person reading this is evaluating your potential as a Naval Officer first, then as a pilot, swo, bubblehead, etc. You need to convince him that you have the same core values that Naval Officer’s have. Honor, Courage, Commitment.
2. Candid, concise, clear. You do a good job with the candid; no so much with the concise and clear. To be clear, re-read each paragraph and ask yourself, “What was the point I wanted to convey?” If you don’t know, pick your idea and focus on it for the paragraph. Put your main idea first. Nearly all military writing begins with “the point” then substantiates it. Mystery stories (i.e. when you don’t know what the author is trying to say until the end) are very rare in military writing. To be concise, imagine each word is worth $5. If your words aren’t supporting “the point”, get rid of them.
3. Use active voice. E.g. Change “I have always lived my life..” to “I live my life according to”.

See my comments inside for specifics.

I have always lived my life with the concept of "Your word is your Bond." There is only two things that a person takes with them when they die: your last name "honor" and your word "integrity." I have always lived by this and I want to join an organization that… my work to reflect that. (This is a concise, clear paragraph. It’s clear that 1) You value honor (a Navy core value) and 2) you want to work with people that also value honor.)

Currently, I am flying helicopters doing commercial photo/survey/sightseeing flights. I have approximately 900 hours PIC rotorcraft. I love the idea of serving for a purpose. I want my career to be rewarding and meaningful. Sure some people would say that flying helicopters in the private sector is a very rewarding, both financially and purposefully. I want more. I want to go to work everyday knowing that what I am doing is serving the greater good and making a difference. (“Mystery” story. Put your last sentence first and substantiate.)

Just as a Carrier Task Force portrays strength and deterrence, a helicopter can be viewed as a sign of hope and deterrence depending on the situation. It represents a presence of authority that supersedes the helicopter and that is of the United States Navy, something that is far greater than any one person. (What does this paragraph have to do with you getting selected for OCS?)

I will serve with such diligence and dedication that I will demand it reflected by both my peers, crew and subordinates. I have always been affiliated with a team. I have played sports since I was four, I played sports to get me through college on an athletic scholarship. I have always used sports as a way to hone in on my leadership abilities. Sports is just like life where it can bring out the best and worst of a person. It can show the character of any individual, by showing them persevere or give in. Teamwork is the lifeblood of everything, without it nothing worthwhile will flourish. This (What is “this”? Another mystery story. Be more concise and clear. Maybe combine with the next sentence. You had the right idea, but the structure needs help. One way to QA is to read, out loud, your statement to someone you consider a mature writer. If it makes sense in a conversation it will make sense to the person considering your package) is what I will bring to the Navy. The ability to lead and to overcome all obstacles for the betterment of the team(Not a sentence). It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer of the United States Navy.

This is not an all inclusive critique; hopefully it gives you a start. Good luck. You can do it, just keep at it and never give up.

 

[Sly1978]

i understand the spelling is bad but my cpu sucks and i had to rewrite this 3x...the spelling will be corrected..this is just a start, thanks for the input

Before the old guys jump all over this, I just want to thank you for summing up in one sentence everything that is wrong with college students from the "spell check" generation. It's a simple task, really. You write it, then read back through it and make changes as you go. Take the CPU out of the equation and put the BRAIN back into it.

 

[SkidGear]

Hey thanks for all the advice. I figured when i posted this I was about 30% into it. My main purpose was to just see where it stands as far as a base of my statement. I have to have it around 400 words, which I will get it there. Tnaks again for all the help guys. I really do appreciate it. Once I get it closer to where it needs to be I will repost it. Thanks

 

[Fetus]

Skid, I highly recommend you never again go public with your 30% effort. It essentially sends the message that you are satisfied with unveiling a half-assed product. And it makes people who want to help you feel like you'll let others do your work for you. Reputations are made (and trashed) this way.

You should give your 100% effort, then ask for help. In that order.

 

[SkidGear]

This is the updated version of my statement



My grandfather served in the United States Navy as a Corpsman during World War II and I always viewed this as something honorable. I want my children to be able to look at my occupation and think the same thing and want to live an honorable life.

I live my life under the concept of, “your word is your bond.” There are only two things that a person takes with them when they die; your last name “honor” and your word “integrity.” I live by this and I want to join an organization that reflects this mentality.

I fly helicopters as a commercial/instrument pilot and have approximately 900 hours of pilot in command time in helicopters. I enjoy the challenge but desire more purpose to be associated with my profession. After seeing numerous Navy helicopters fly into the airport and watching the crew conduct themselves, I knew that the Navy is what I want to do. I know that I want to be a part of something bigger and be prideful in what I do. Navy helicopters perform a myriad of missions: search and rescue, logistics, anti-submarine warfare, and special operations. Some of these missions are humanitarian in nature, some are combat support. All contribute to enabling the Navy to maintain a visible presence in support of our allies and act as a tangible deterrent to our enemies. I want to be a part of a profession that is rewarding and meaningful. I want to go to everyday knowing that what I am doing is serving the greater good and making a positive impact in the world. I hope to live my life such that when I die, the honor associated with my family name and my personal reputation and integrity remain intact.

Although the passion for me to join is very strong, I view my decision to join the Navy as a family decision. I take pride in knowing my biggest supporters are my wife and step-son. This only makes my resolve that much stronger. My aim is to set a standard for both my step-son and unborn son “due in October” to take pride in our family name “honor.”

I am a team player. Teamwork is the lifeblood of everything, without it nothing that is worthwhile will flourish. Participating in sports from an early age through college taught me the fundamentals of leadership, character development, and perseverance. I learned diligence and dedication while playing sports and I will bring that passion to the Navy.

I look forward to leading Sailors while performing my assigned tasks and mission. I would consider it an honor and a privilege to be able to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[SkidGear]

Fetus, I greatly appreciate your help. That being said, the purpose of my first posting was just to see if it was heading in the right direction. I was wondering if I should have focused more on the Navy and how I can fit the bill, or more on my goals in life. I never had the intention of having someone write it for me.. I did use some of what A6 wrote simply because the information was to good to pass up. But I do see your point and it is well taken. Thanks again for the input. This version of what I just posted is going to be my actual one used. I am taking it to an English prof tomorrow. Thanks again for everything and blue skies to you all..thanks again

 

[a-6intruder]

Skid:
I don't think you are ready to take this to your writing coach just yet. You have some good ideas, but they jump aroud a bit too much. Print this out and compare line for line with your current draft. Make some changes and sleep on it a few days. Make some more changes, then show it to your writing teacher. Unless you are up against a hard deadline, let it simmer for a few days.

- - --



My grandfather served in the United States Navy as a Corpsman during World War II and I always viewed his naval service as something honorable. I want my children to be able to look at my occupation and think the same thing, encouraging them to want to live an honorable life as well.

There are only two things a person takes with them when they die - their honor and their integrity. I live my life under the concept of “your word is your bond,” and I want to join an organization that reflects this philosophy.

I am an instrument rated commercial pilot and have approximately 900 hours of pilot in command time flying helicopters. I enjoy the challenge but desire more purpose to be associated with my profession. After seeing numerous Navy helicopters fly into the airport and watching the crews conduct themselves, I know flying for the Navy is how I want to serve my country. I know I want to be a part of something bigger and take pride in what I do. Navy helicopter crews perform a myriad of missions: search and rescue, logistics, anti-submarine warfare, and special operations. Some of these missions are humanitarian in nature, some are combat support. All contribute to enabling the Navy to maintain a visible presence in support of our allies and act as a tangible deterrent to our enemies. I want to be a part of a profession that is rewarding and meaningful. I want to go to work everyday knowing what I am doing is serving the greater good and making a positive impact in the world. I hope to live my life such that when I die, the honor associated with my family name and my personal reputation and integrity remain intact.

Although my passion for joining the Navy is very strong, I view my decision as a family decision. I take pride in knowing my biggest supporters are my wife and step-son. This only makes my resolve that much stronger. My goal is to set a standard that my children will want to follow.

I am a team player. Teamwork is the lifeblood of everything; without it nothing that is worthwhile will flourish. Participating in sports from an early age through college taught me the fundamentals of leadership, character development, and perseverance. I learned diligence and dedication while playing sports and I will bring that passion to the Navy.

I look forward to leading Sailors while performing my assigned tasks and mission. I would consider it an honor and a privilege to be able to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[bert]

As I used to tell my my college students who had trouble with their writing: read it out loud to somebody who doesn't know what your topic is - if they give you the RCA dog look then you have some more work to do.

NB: this will not help spell-check cripples who get stomped by homonyms. If that describes you then YOUR going to have to find a decent writer to proof-read YOU'RE work.

 

[LazersGoPEWPEW]

Now I see the light LOL.

 

[bert]

I am defeated.

Corrected.

Seriously? You really didn't get it? It was the sudden reversion to ALL CAPS on both YOUR and YOU'RE that ruined the effect, wasn't it?

 

[a-6intruder]

Seriously? You really didn't get it? It was the sudden reversion to ALL CAPS on both YOUR and YOU'RE that ruined the effect, wasn't it?

Bert - I feel your pain; not only for young Laser's failure to identify quality sarcasm, but for his inability to correct both "mistakes" when he dimed you out. I weep for the future...

 

[LazersGoPEWPEW]

Ouch.... Ouch.... sigh.

 

[Autoace]

Motivational Statement Criticism Please!~

Ok everyone, currently working to prep my app packet for submission. First step is BDCP and then OCS. I have put together a rough idea of what my motivational statement could be, a little lengthy and raw, but please.....any suggestions would be great..........



The family of which I am proud to be a part of has served their country for many years. One of my grandfather’s two older brothers, who had joined the armed services in the early 1940’s, gave the ultimate sacrifice in 1945 while serving his country in the Pacific. My grandfather began his naval career in 1946, following in the footsteps of his older siblings. His three sons, including my father, have all served in the armed forces. Currently, my father is a naval officer continuing a decorated 30-year career. Needless to say, military service is something my family takes a great deal of pride in. It would of course be no surprise that a majority of my life has been spent living on military bases both within the United States and abroad.
I know first hand of the sacrifices expected of both military personnel and their families. Being away from your hometown, family, and friends is something that comes with the territory. Luckily, the military is a family in and of itself. Individuals whom I have met while being surrounded by the military are the most interesting and honorable people I have ever known. For the past few years, I knew deep down that military service is something I would eventually pursue, but not knowing much more than how to live a life in the military environment, I wanted true civilian experience. Finishing school has also been my goal above all else. After experiencing both worlds, I see how much military life means to me, and I can only imagine what it feels like to wake up every morning and know that you are defending your country.
The older I get, the more I realize that I want to follow in my father’s footsteps, and with the global war on terror I know that military service is strongly desired. On September 11, 2001, my father heard Flight 77 hit the Pentagon from across the street at the Navy Annex while in his office. Without hesitation he joined other Navy personnel in proceeding to the area to assist with the situation. My father, a past Corpsman and current Healthcare Admin officer, established triage centers for injured personnel under the Washington Bridge. My family did not hear from or see him for three days. We were of course worried, but we knew he had responsibilities to individuals other than us. This is the often unspoken understanding between military personnel and their families that shows how everyone makes sacrifices.
For his service on Sept. 11, my father received acknowledgement in the form of a letter from the president. I can only hope that by earning a commission in the United States Navy, I can repay my country for my freedom as well as live up to what my family has done for their country.

 

[FLYTPAY]

We really need to start charging for this.