Yes, some parts sound rather grandiose or flowery. For example:
Try to use plainer language.
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Try to use plainer language.
Alright, take 2. I tried to use more plain language, but let me know if i'm still being too flowery.
I’ve always felt the call to service ever since I was a child. Growing up I would see advertisements showing the US Navy as a global force for good, and many times I saw the Navy put those words to practice. Protecting the sea lanes that ensure global prosperity, assisting in disaster relief around the world, and striking out against those who would seek to harm innocents. To serve in that elite team which does so much good for others is something I’ve wanted more than anything in my life.
Teamwork has always been a natural part of my life. In college I participated in my university’s moot court program, working alongside my fellow classmates to prepare legal cases and argue them as a unit. We’d train nightly and would work to ensure that we improved one another to be as thoroughly prepared as possible for our cases. Our team was only as strong as our weakest member, scoring was the sum total of each team member's individual score, and in high level competition, the difference between a victory or loss was often one person's score. One could not look out for themselves, they had to look to support their team. In Phi Alpha Theta’s history honors society, I worked as a tutor to help people to improve their understanding of history and their ability to do their coursework. In my current professional experience, my role as a sales specialist requires me to coordinate with multiple teams inside and outside my company and with members of senior management to meet strict deadlines and to accurately relay information to customers. I feel my experience working in a team unit has helped reinforce my motivation to become a Naval Officer. I thrive when I am apart of something greater than myself. When on a team I always seek to give whatever I can to improve my team in whatever capacity is required.
I want to be apart of something greater than myself, the Navy is the team I’ve seen work for the global good my entire life. The Navy’s core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment are values that I believe in wholeheartedly. I believe my ability to work with and lead in teams and my desire to commit myself to an organization greater than me would make me a successful officer in the United States Navy
I wasn't sure if that was too brief a statement or not. Looking on this threat it seems like a lot of people shoot for 400 words, but when I pasted this onto my APSR form it looked like I had a lot of room left. Should I maybe go into more detail on my body or conclusion paragraph?
Thank you very much for helping me out, I look up other words or phrases to use in it.
appreciate
Thank you very much for helping me out, I'll look up other words or phrases to use in it.
Appreciate the help! October 1st it goes in for the FY
appreciate
Thank you very much for helping me out, I'll look up other words or phrases to use in it.
Appreciate the help! October 1st it goes in for the FY
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
The motivational statement is given a quick read, the things that stand out are degree and GPA, then everything else, do you have a tech degree that includes a year Calc I and Calc based physics? that is key for IW and IP, if not try for Intel you may have a better shot.
I would also remember that you are going for a community that has a very low selection rate, and that picks many who have post graduate degrees.
Lui
OCS Applicant
I'd prefer not to post my statistics in a public forum. I have been told I have a competitive package. Based on the selection statistics they release each board, I would agree. I'm looking for help with my statements. More specifically, I am not overly confident with my CO's statement. I am not sure what the board looks for in it. Any help would be appreciated.
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
Juan Miguel Sese
New Member
Hello! I need a little more clarification about this Motivational Statement. What is the word limit? And what is the format (what exactly in order am I answering) ?
Thank you and much love!
Thank you and much love!
CK#4
Active Member
Pro Rec Y
Life is far from ordinary when you realize there is so much you can change. It is through the uncovering of such a virtue that I began my personal journey of self-discovery that would ultimately forge the man that I have become today. A man guided by his faith, his family, and love for his country. A man who sought the wisdom of those who came before him to fashion his own path and begin anew. That journey has led me to hear the call of service through the United States Navy, an organization and way of life that has built itself upon the core values of honor, courage and commitment.
As the youngest of four brothers, two of whom are active duty Sailors and the other of which serves as a counselor in our education system, the Navy's core values and the importance of service were instilled in me at an early age. It was my family who taught me to be courageous, to think with unbiased autonomy, live with absolute integrity and to never forget that I have a duty to give back to the country that has given me so much – for the American Dream does not come without sacrifice. The United States Navy is my opportunity to give back to my country through service and leadership while continuing to challenge myself to further redefine and exceed what I perceive to be the limits of my physical, mental and moral capacities. The Navy represents an ideal opportunity to ignite the beginning of a career dedicated to public service and personal development.
The privilege of serving as a United States Naval Officer will allow me to have a tangible impact on individuals and families across the country and around the globe, while providing me with an opportunity to work with other patriots who are as passionate and thankful for this nation as I am. Since I was a young boy, I have admired those who consistently strive to improve themselves so that they can better their community; for some, that meant paying the ultimate sacrifice in service to their fellow man. Since then, I have pursued a life based on that same conviction. Whether it be through service to the foundation of the Temecula Student Ambassador program, seeking to make the unheard voices of the youth heard; mentoring the next generation of leaders in grade schools as a PEER Advisor; or simply standing as a role model for my younger sister, I have not only dedicated myself to positively impacting the lives of those around me, but have taken my faults and used the lessons they yield as an opportunity for personal growth. Serving as a United States Naval Officer will allow me to do just that; continue to mature and make positive differences in the lives of those around me.
An effective and well-rounded Naval Officer must demonstrate knowledge of people, have a history of extensive, meaningful service in extracurricular leadership roles, illustrate the ability to persevere and flourish in the Navy’s high stress environment, and stand out among their peers. I am that person. Furthermore, the communities to which I am applying require an individual with this skill set and a level of character that pushes him or her to lead by example, make quick and insightful decisions, and to take that oftentimes daunting first step alone. I am that person. Through my education and both my professional and personal experiences, I have learned to proficiently analyze, assess, and engage with whatever information comes my way, leading to an informed course of action. My expertise in communication and analysis enables me to adapt to any situation, leading me to work well both independently and as a member of a team. My endless desire to learn, ambition to grow, and unwavering love for this country distinguish me from many of my fellow millennials and will continue to motivate me to serve our country and lead my fellow Sailors to the best of my abilities.
Though my final year at UCLA and another chapter of my life has come to an end, I have begun to feel a certain nostalgia. However, I am also enthralled by the notion that a new and exciting chapter awaits; a chapter where I will begin to serve my country through the application of my educational training, professional experience, and intellectual capabilities, while at the same time continuing to educate myself through one of America’s quintessential institutions, the United States Navy. Since my childhood, I have looked at America’s Navy and admired that it stands for more than just our country’s military might – it stands as a symbol of our progress and a promise of continued growth. America’s possibilities are limitless and I seek to help her realize that potential. So, I find myself here today, immersed in a euphoric paradox of pride and humility, willing to make the ultimate sacrifice if so called upon, so that future generations can have the same opportunities with which I have been blessed.
Life is far from ordinary when you realize there is so much you can change. It is through the uncovering of such a virtue that I began my personal journey of self-discovery that would ultimately forge the man that I have become today. A man guided by his faith, his family, and love for his country. A man who sought the wisdom of those who came before him to fashion his own path and begin anew. That journey has led me to hear the call of service through the United States Navy, an organization and way of life that has built itself upon the core values of honor, courage and commitment.
As the youngest of four brothers, two of whom are active duty Sailors and the other of which serves as a counselor in our education system, the Navy's core values and the importance of service were instilled in me at an early age. It was my family who taught me to be courageous, to think with unbiased autonomy, live with absolute integrity and to never forget that I have a duty to give back to the country that has given me so much – for the American Dream does not come without sacrifice. The United States Navy is my opportunity to give back to my country through service and leadership while continuing to challenge myself to further redefine and exceed what I perceive to be the limits of my physical, mental and moral capacities. The Navy represents an ideal opportunity to ignite the beginning of a career dedicated to public service and personal development.
The privilege of serving as a United States Naval Officer will allow me to have a tangible impact on individuals and families across the country and around the globe, while providing me with an opportunity to work with other patriots who are as passionate and thankful for this nation as I am. Since I was a young boy, I have admired those who consistently strive to improve themselves so that they can better their community; for some, that meant paying the ultimate sacrifice in service to their fellow man. Since then, I have pursued a life based on that same conviction. Whether it be through service to the foundation of the Temecula Student Ambassador program, seeking to make the unheard voices of the youth heard; mentoring the next generation of leaders in grade schools as a PEER Advisor; or simply standing as a role model for my younger sister, I have not only dedicated myself to positively impacting the lives of those around me, but have taken my faults and used the lessons they yield as an opportunity for personal growth. Serving as a United States Naval Officer will allow me to do just that; continue to mature and make positive differences in the lives of those around me.
An effective and well-rounded Naval Officer must demonstrate knowledge of people, have a history of extensive, meaningful service in extracurricular leadership roles, illustrate the ability to persevere and flourish in the Navy’s high stress environment, and stand out among their peers. I am that person. Furthermore, the communities to which I am applying require an individual with this skill set and a level of character that pushes him or her to lead by example, make quick and insightful decisions, and to take that oftentimes daunting first step alone. I am that person. Through my education and both my professional and personal experiences, I have learned to proficiently analyze, assess, and engage with whatever information comes my way, leading to an informed course of action. My expertise in communication and analysis enables me to adapt to any situation, leading me to work well both independently and as a member of a team. My endless desire to learn, ambition to grow, and unwavering love for this country distinguish me from many of my fellow millennials and will continue to motivate me to serve our country and lead my fellow Sailors to the best of my abilities.
Though my final year at UCLA and another chapter of my life has come to an end, I have begun to feel a certain nostalgia. However, I am also enthralled by the notion that a new and exciting chapter awaits; a chapter where I will begin to serve my country through the application of my educational training, professional experience, and intellectual capabilities, while at the same time continuing to educate myself through one of America’s quintessential institutions, the United States Navy. Since my childhood, I have looked at America’s Navy and admired that it stands for more than just our country’s military might – it stands as a symbol of our progress and a promise of continued growth. America’s possibilities are limitless and I seek to help her realize that potential. So, I find myself here today, immersed in a euphoric paradox of pride and humility, willing to make the ultimate sacrifice if so called upon, so that future generations can have the same opportunities with which I have been blessed.
TahoeDiver
New Member
Hopefully this thread has not lost steam and there are still a few folks out there willing to provide feedback on my motivational statement. This is for the Jan 17 IWC board, I'm going for DCO into Intel with IP as second choice and IW as third. I'm non-prior and old, so really need to hit this on my first shot. Specifically I'm hoping to hear if this comes of cocky or bragging, and also any ideas on how I can give it more of an intel focus. My earlier draft had a lot more about my 20 years of IT management, but it started sounding too much like my resume... thanks in advance for the feedback.
As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a military officer. In my youth, I counted down the days until I was old enough to join Sea Cadets. Since the nearest unit was two towns away I had to beg my mother to drive me there each week. Putting on the uniform and drilling with my fellow cadets in those formative years cemented my passion for military service, pride, and patriotism. As I got into junior high school I joined the United States Air Force Auxiliary, Civil Air Patrol, and threw myself headlong into that program. I was a natural leader early on and quickly rose through the ranks, from Flight Commander, to Executive Officer, and eventually Cadet Commander of the entire squadron. I received the Billy Mitchell Award in 1991. I loved training at military bases, serving on color guard teams, flying in military aircraft, and honing my leadership skills. While other kids were playing video games and riding skateboards, I was spit shining my Corcoran jump boots and putting hospital corners on my bed. This may have seemed strange to my classmates, but I believe it set me up for success later in life.
As I began my college career I had planned to join ROTC, but the college I attended cancelled the ROTC program that very year. This was in 1992, right after the fall of the Soviet Union and the end of the first Gulf War. With the military drawdown in full swing I reluctantly began to reconsider a career in the military and looked at other options for my future. I decided to continue as a civilian student and focus all my attention on academics and a civilian career in information systems. It was an agonizing decision to make, since it put my military aspirations on hold.
In college, I excelled in all my coursework, graduating in the top two percent of my class with a 3.83 grade point average and earning many academic awards. I accepted an offer from the global consulting firm Accenture after graduation and my leadership ability and determination to excel was recognized immediately. From the beginning of my career I was given mission critical projects with team leadership responsibility, which is very rare for a new graduate. Over the next twenty years in the industry I continued to excel, learn, and grow as a leader. At each of my jobs I have been entrusted with highly complex projects and given responsibility for managing, mentoring, and motivating large teams of talented individuals.
As my career progressed, I still felt the need to serve my country, so over the years I have volunteered my time to save lives. For six years, I was a Public Safety Diver, Underwater Crime Scene Specialist, and search and rescue team member for the Washoe County Sheriff’s Office. I have been involved in dozens of rescues, body recoveries, submerged vehicle recoveries, and crime scene investigations. I had the opportunity to assist my community and neighboring communities during major incidents such as a fire evacuation, flood rescue, and air craft accidents. More recently I have been a member of the United States Coast Guard Auxiliary. I serve as a Flotilla Staff Officer in Communication Services. Our flotilla patrols Lake Tahoe and surrounding lakes, assisting boaters in distress. Our flotilla also works special events such as paddleboard races, safety perimeters for fireworks barges, and verifying PATONS/ATONS. I am also currently serving as one of the Northern Nevada Admissions Partners for the United States Coast Guard Academy.
While my volunteer activities have been rewarding and of service to the community, none have satisfied my original desire to lead men and women as a Naval Officer. I have benefited greatly in my life from those who have served and sacrificed before me, and I feel now is the time I can give back to my country though service and leadership. I have come to realize that serving in the Navy is something that I have always wanted to do and I believe the Navy will benefit from my experience over the past twenty years. It is this lifelong desire to serve with honor, courage, and commitment which has motivated me to seek a commission in the Navy Reserve.
As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a military officer. In my youth, I counted down the days until I was old enough to join Sea Cadets. Since the nearest unit was two towns away I had to beg my mother to drive me there each week. Putting on the uniform and drilling with my fellow cadets in those formative years cemented my passion for military service, pride, and patriotism. As I got into junior high school I joined the United States Air Force Auxiliary, Civil Air Patrol, and threw myself headlong into that program. I was a natural leader early on and quickly rose through the ranks, from Flight Commander, to Executive Officer, and eventually Cadet Commander of the entire squadron. I received the Billy Mitchell Award in 1991. I loved training at military bases, serving on color guard teams, flying in military aircraft, and honing my leadership skills. While other kids were playing video games and riding skateboards, I was spit shining my Corcoran jump boots and putting hospital corners on my bed. This may have seemed strange to my classmates, but I believe it set me up for success later in life.
As I began my college career I had planned to join ROTC, but the college I attended cancelled the ROTC program that very year. This was in 1992, right after the fall of the Soviet Union and the end of the first Gulf War. With the military drawdown in full swing I reluctantly began to reconsider a career in the military and looked at other options for my future. I decided to continue as a civilian student and focus all my attention on academics and a civilian career in information systems. It was an agonizing decision to make, since it put my military aspirations on hold.
In college, I excelled in all my coursework, graduating in the top two percent of my class with a 3.83 grade point average and earning many academic awards. I accepted an offer from the global consulting firm Accenture after graduation and my leadership ability and determination to excel was recognized immediately. From the beginning of my career I was given mission critical projects with team leadership responsibility, which is very rare for a new graduate. Over the next twenty years in the industry I continued to excel, learn, and grow as a leader. At each of my jobs I have been entrusted with highly complex projects and given responsibility for managing, mentoring, and motivating large teams of talented individuals.
As my career progressed, I still felt the need to serve my country, so over the years I have volunteered my time to save lives. For six years, I was a Public Safety Diver, Underwater Crime Scene Specialist, and search and rescue team member for the Washoe County Sheriff’s Office. I have been involved in dozens of rescues, body recoveries, submerged vehicle recoveries, and crime scene investigations. I had the opportunity to assist my community and neighboring communities during major incidents such as a fire evacuation, flood rescue, and air craft accidents. More recently I have been a member of the United States Coast Guard Auxiliary. I serve as a Flotilla Staff Officer in Communication Services. Our flotilla patrols Lake Tahoe and surrounding lakes, assisting boaters in distress. Our flotilla also works special events such as paddleboard races, safety perimeters for fireworks barges, and verifying PATONS/ATONS. I am also currently serving as one of the Northern Nevada Admissions Partners for the United States Coast Guard Academy.
While my volunteer activities have been rewarding and of service to the community, none have satisfied my original desire to lead men and women as a Naval Officer. I have benefited greatly in my life from those who have served and sacrificed before me, and I feel now is the time I can give back to my country though service and leadership. I have come to realize that serving in the Navy is something that I have always wanted to do and I believe the Navy will benefit from my experience over the past twenty years. It is this lifelong desire to serve with honor, courage, and commitment which has motivated me to seek a commission in the Navy Reserve.
CK#4
Active Member
Ill message you some changes that are more so just "fluff" or strange wording that I notice at a quick glance
I love this. I think I'm going to add this to my resume.
Is there a lot of crime that occurs below the surface at Lake Tahoe? 