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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
@erield This is going to sound harsh, so be warned.
Your essay needs a lot of work. It is ridiculously wordy and often times nonsensical.
For example
This doesn't make sense. The United States is a what? You need to answer that question for this sentence to make sense. Even if you get rid of the article, the sentence still doesn't make sense when you get to the rich history part.
Another example
I really don't know what's going on with that bold part.
Most of your sentences are like this.... They don't make sense. Your biggest problem is you use way too many clauses (mostly incorrectly), stick with simple and compound sentences for now.
Your essay needs a lot of work. It is ridiculously wordy and often times nonsensical.
For example
This doesn't make sense. The United States is a what? You need to answer that question for this sentence to make sense. Even if you get rid of the article, the sentence still doesn't make sense when you get to the rich history part.
Another example
I really don't know what's going on with that bold part.
Most of your sentences are like this.... They don't make sense. Your biggest problem is you use way too many clauses (mostly incorrectly), stick with simple and compound sentences for now.
Once revised - and before you post it here - read it aloud while recording yourself on your phone. Then, listen to the recording while holding a red pen over a paper copy of your essay (ready to mark edits as you hear them). Then, revise again.
It may sound like a waste of time, but it works. It should help you truncate it, too.
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Nicholas Ladolcetta
Well-Known Member
My turn!! Can someone please take a look at this. My number one issue is it's already 120 words too big so whatever I can/should cut, let me know. Have at it guys. I don't have feelings so rip it to shreds if you want lol as long as it helps
Working well under pressure, intense physical environments for long hours, and having the administrative and leadership responsibilities of others has never been my equalizer. Instead, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations has been my biggest fear. With this thought lingering in the back of my mind, I have diversified myself in my education and experiences, joining the Army as a ground troop, while studying Forensic Psychology and pursuing a career as a Navy Officer. While some may consider this to be a weakness, by remaining dynamic I consider myself to have a wide range of skills that can be put to great use in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions leads to my confidence that it is that environment, and being a Naval Aviator, would be my best fit in the environment.
In less than one year, I earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I consider my biggest military accomplishment to be getting hand selected by my commander to represent my unit in my Division’s national Best Warrior Competition, a competition that measures mental grit, leadership, military fundamentals, and most importantly, the ability to handle pressure with a level head. After winning second place, I decided it was time to take my military career to the next level. Prior to my military career, although motivated, I didn’t have the work ethic and discipline while working on my first Bachelor’s Degree, which reflected in my average grades. I gained these traits ten-fold in my short time in the Army, and displayed them by achieving a 3.8 GPA in my second Bachelor’s Degree, convincing a graduate school board I have acknowledged, and learned from my mistakes, leading to my acceptance. Despite my less than impressive academic achievements during my first undergraduate degree, I managed to gain important leadership, time management and administrative skills. I served as Senior Class President, acting as a liaison between the University and the Senior Class, sat on the campus Judicial Board where I would review and advise how students under Judicial Review should be handled, and volunteered for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, raising money for pediatric cancer. My leadership abilities were recognized by my fraternity Sigma Pi International, and was nominated to be President. I decided however to instead take on the role of Vice President, due to a favorable responsibility coming with the title. As Vice President, I would be in charge of mentoring and leading our new members to becoming better students, productive fraternity members, as well as delegation of responsibilities.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Unlike many other children, I never grew up wanting to fly. I’m a doer, not a watcher. As soon as the option to become a Naval Aviator, to actually do it was presented to me, an entirely new world was opened up to me; a dream, except one that can become a reality. A reality which I would consider an honor to be a part of and contribute to.
Working well under pressure, intense physical environments for long hours, and having the administrative and leadership responsibilities of others has never been my equalizer. Instead, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations has been my biggest fear. With this thought lingering in the back of my mind, I have diversified myself in my education and experiences, joining the Army as a ground troop, while studying Forensic Psychology and pursuing a career as a Navy Officer. While some may consider this to be a weakness, by remaining dynamic I consider myself to have a wide range of skills that can be put to great use in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions leads to my confidence that it is that environment, and being a Naval Aviator, would be my best fit in the environment.
In less than one year, I earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I consider my biggest military accomplishment to be getting hand selected by my commander to represent my unit in my Division’s national Best Warrior Competition, a competition that measures mental grit, leadership, military fundamentals, and most importantly, the ability to handle pressure with a level head. After winning second place, I decided it was time to take my military career to the next level. Prior to my military career, although motivated, I didn’t have the work ethic and discipline while working on my first Bachelor’s Degree, which reflected in my average grades. I gained these traits ten-fold in my short time in the Army, and displayed them by achieving a 3.8 GPA in my second Bachelor’s Degree, convincing a graduate school board I have acknowledged, and learned from my mistakes, leading to my acceptance. Despite my less than impressive academic achievements during my first undergraduate degree, I managed to gain important leadership, time management and administrative skills. I served as Senior Class President, acting as a liaison between the University and the Senior Class, sat on the campus Judicial Board where I would review and advise how students under Judicial Review should be handled, and volunteered for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, raising money for pediatric cancer. My leadership abilities were recognized by my fraternity Sigma Pi International, and was nominated to be President. I decided however to instead take on the role of Vice President, due to a favorable responsibility coming with the title. As Vice President, I would be in charge of mentoring and leading our new members to becoming better students, productive fraternity members, as well as delegation of responsibilities.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Unlike many other children, I never grew up wanting to fly. I’m a doer, not a watcher. As soon as the option to become a Naval Aviator, to actually do it was presented to me, an entirely new world was opened up to me; a dream, except one that can become a reality. A reality which I would consider an honor to be a part of and contribute to.
egiv
Well-Known Member
My biggest bit of constructive criticism on this is that it's very disorganized. You kind of jump from one thing to the next without having an overall coherent message. I'd refer you to my message to another poster above for how I recommend structuring this type of essay, but overall you need to be clear on three things: 1. Why you want to be a Naval Officer 2. What traits make you qualified to be one 3. Specific things you have done that directly demonstrate these traits (otherwise don't just list awards or accomplishments that are found elsewhere in your package).
How did you get an ARCOM and two AAMs in less than one year?
Nicholas Ladolcetta
Well-Known Member
Yea I've heard that from two other people that took a look at this. I struggled making it flow while keeping it short and concise it made me sort of aggressively list what I wanted to say without trying to make it flow. Was there anything I listed you think I can cut out? A. for the word limit B. More room will make it easier to string it all together a bit. If not I feel starting from scratch may be best
egiv
Well-Known Member
IRT keeping it short and concise: first isolate what exactly it is you're trying to tell the board by saying something, then cut/tailor from there. For example, instead of saying that you did well in a competition that measured mental grit, etc etc, I would lead off a paragraph by saying in no uncertain terms 'I have mental grit and kick ass under pressure. Here's how I've demonstrated this in the past:' placing in this competition, winning awards, getting a second degree to improve GPA, etc. Remove anything not directly relevant to the point you are trying to make.
Also, the importance of 'leadership' can't be overstated - class president and the other leadership roles you describe are good for demonstrating that. You may even want to bump it up to one of the first traits you mention, but that's up to you.
Okay, so I am a long time lurker and 1st time poster This is my current motivational statement for commissioning
Any feedback would be great I'm going for SWO
Feel free to tear it apart and let me know what you guys think, or if its strong enough. WORD COUNT 739
As the youngest member of a 1st generation American family I saw the hard work my mother and father dedicated in order to provide my older siblings and I a life of opportunity. My father, mother and older brother are United States Marines and were positive role models for me throughout my life. They have made a tremendous impact in my life and have inspired me to serve my country within the United States Armed Forces. At a young age, I knew I wanted to serve as a member of the Navy and though many challenges presented themselves, I wasn’t going to let them deter me from completing this lifelong goal. While attending high school I worked part time after school and played sports year round. I was the team Captain for both my varsity Wrestling and Football teams and was weighted with responsibility for those leadership positions early on. I was able to find a healthy balance between work, sports and most importantly my academics as I was able to graduate on time and with honors.
After high school, my family moved out of country for a work opportunity and I was left in Florida to determine my future life. With the goal of becoming an Officer in mind, I immediately began to work on my degree at Indian River State College. Living by myself, I worked both a full-time and part-time job in order to afford the ability to attend college and sustain life. I attended college full-time as well as I was determined to finish my schooling and not delay my overall goal of becoming an officer in the US Navy.
While attending college, I applied and was accepted into the Law Enforcement Academy track program. Within a couple years of learning and active participation with the program, I was in turn appointed the class leader. As the class leader some of my responsibilities for my fellow classmates were to ensure daily accountability for class and physical training sessions. I carried out daily uniform inspections for the instructor cadre and also provided mentoring and tutoring sessions for those who were falling behind in their grades. If I wasn’t personally able to assist them, I paired them with another classmate that would be a better match and monitored them as their performance elevated to a passing standard. While in this leadership position, I also attended school and worked full-time, because of which I learned an exceptional amount of time management and organizational skills that remain with me to this day.
From an early age, my parents instilled strong moral values that have contributed to my nature and desire to be positive role model to others. The Navy promotes itself as “the global force for good” and I hope to share its core values of honor, courage and commitment. I believe that serving as an officer in the Navy would help to expand upon those values that my family has laid out for me. I would like to continue my family’s lineage of military service and strive to become a role model for future generations of my family and to local area communities. In my off time, I help to mentor troubled teenage youths within North East Washington, DC and perform community service activities with them. During these events I share my personal life challenges with them and discuss how I overcame them to assist with problems that they may be facing. I continuously promote education and healthy behaviors on the forefront and am always available for advice or as a resource if in need.
In summary, I believe my past life experiences have provided me the knowledge and the leadership skills to successfully lead, mentor and care for future service members that I will have the honor to work with. I am confident in my ability to be decisive, loyal and honorable in my future service and I hope to share my drive and passion to make a change with others as well. “I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.” I aspire to be one of the men that is able to share in these words provided by former President Kennedy and serve my country with honor and purpose.
Any feedback would be great I'm going for SWO
Feel free to tear it apart and let me know what you guys think, or if its strong enough. WORD COUNT 739
As the youngest member of a 1st generation American family I saw the hard work my mother and father dedicated in order to provide my older siblings and I a life of opportunity. My father, mother and older brother are United States Marines and were positive role models for me throughout my life. They have made a tremendous impact in my life and have inspired me to serve my country within the United States Armed Forces. At a young age, I knew I wanted to serve as a member of the Navy and though many challenges presented themselves, I wasn’t going to let them deter me from completing this lifelong goal. While attending high school I worked part time after school and played sports year round. I was the team Captain for both my varsity Wrestling and Football teams and was weighted with responsibility for those leadership positions early on. I was able to find a healthy balance between work, sports and most importantly my academics as I was able to graduate on time and with honors.
After high school, my family moved out of country for a work opportunity and I was left in Florida to determine my future life. With the goal of becoming an Officer in mind, I immediately began to work on my degree at Indian River State College. Living by myself, I worked both a full-time and part-time job in order to afford the ability to attend college and sustain life. I attended college full-time as well as I was determined to finish my schooling and not delay my overall goal of becoming an officer in the US Navy.
While attending college, I applied and was accepted into the Law Enforcement Academy track program. Within a couple years of learning and active participation with the program, I was in turn appointed the class leader. As the class leader some of my responsibilities for my fellow classmates were to ensure daily accountability for class and physical training sessions. I carried out daily uniform inspections for the instructor cadre and also provided mentoring and tutoring sessions for those who were falling behind in their grades. If I wasn’t personally able to assist them, I paired them with another classmate that would be a better match and monitored them as their performance elevated to a passing standard. While in this leadership position, I also attended school and worked full-time, because of which I learned an exceptional amount of time management and organizational skills that remain with me to this day.
From an early age, my parents instilled strong moral values that have contributed to my nature and desire to be positive role model to others. The Navy promotes itself as “the global force for good” and I hope to share its core values of honor, courage and commitment. I believe that serving as an officer in the Navy would help to expand upon those values that my family has laid out for me. I would like to continue my family’s lineage of military service and strive to become a role model for future generations of my family and to local area communities. In my off time, I help to mentor troubled teenage youths within North East Washington, DC and perform community service activities with them. During these events I share my personal life challenges with them and discuss how I overcame them to assist with problems that they may be facing. I continuously promote education and healthy behaviors on the forefront and am always available for advice or as a resource if in need.
In summary, I believe my past life experiences have provided me the knowledge and the leadership skills to successfully lead, mentor and care for future service members that I will have the honor to work with. I am confident in my ability to be decisive, loyal and honorable in my future service and I hope to share my drive and passion to make a change with others as well. “I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.” I aspire to be one of the men that is able to share in these words provided by former President Kennedy and serve my country with honor and purpose.
Would anybody be able to review mine? I was hoping to get it to my OR by the end of the week, I know it's a bit short but I'm not sure what else to add
I seek a commission in the United States Navy because I have a strong desire to serve and to lead. Since I was a young girl I have aspired to protect the citizens of the United States, and I believe that becoming a Naval Officer will give me the opportunity to do just that. I would like nothing better than to help those around me become better sailors, and better myself at the same time.
My personal and professional experiences have taught me how to handle great responsibility. While interning at the U.S. Attorney’s Office, I was in charge of organizing and managing all pieces of physical evidence for a federal terrorism trial. Throughout my internship I improved my ability to stay calm and focused in high-stress situations, handle sensitive material, and quickly adapt to last minute changes and decisions.
My most memorable experience working on that trial was when four paralegals with a combined 50 years experience at the office between them asked me, an unpaid intern, what I needed them to do for me. After my internship was over, my hard work and dedication were recognized by my superiors and I was honored with a Recognition Award by the U.S. Attorney for the District of Massachusetts. (I know this paragraph is a bit odd, but I wanted to emphasize some of my "unofficial" leadership experience while interning)
If selected for Officer Candidacy School, I am committed to completing any task assigned with efficiency and excellence, while exhibiting the honor, courage, and commitment that make up the core values of the Navy. I aspire to make a positive impact in the lives of the sailors that I lead, helping them realize their full potential and assuring that they, too, continue to uphold the core values of the Navy. If I am given this opportunity, the Navy will gain an individual with a strong desire to excel at any task set before her, and the drive to push herself to perform at a high standard in every aspect of life.
I seek a commission in the United States Navy because I have a strong desire to serve and to lead. Since I was a young girl I have aspired to protect the citizens of the United States, and I believe that becoming a Naval Officer will give me the opportunity to do just that. I would like nothing better than to help those around me become better sailors, and better myself at the same time.
My personal and professional experiences have taught me how to handle great responsibility. While interning at the U.S. Attorney’s Office, I was in charge of organizing and managing all pieces of physical evidence for a federal terrorism trial. Throughout my internship I improved my ability to stay calm and focused in high-stress situations, handle sensitive material, and quickly adapt to last minute changes and decisions.
My most memorable experience working on that trial was when four paralegals with a combined 50 years experience at the office between them asked me, an unpaid intern, what I needed them to do for me. After my internship was over, my hard work and dedication were recognized by my superiors and I was honored with a Recognition Award by the U.S. Attorney for the District of Massachusetts. (I know this paragraph is a bit odd, but I wanted to emphasize some of my "unofficial" leadership experience while interning)
If selected for Officer Candidacy School, I am committed to completing any task assigned with efficiency and excellence, while exhibiting the honor, courage, and commitment that make up the core values of the Navy. I aspire to make a positive impact in the lives of the sailors that I lead, helping them realize their full potential and assuring that they, too, continue to uphold the core values of the Navy. If I am given this opportunity, the Navy will gain an individual with a strong desire to excel at any task set before her, and the drive to push herself to perform at a high standard in every aspect of life.
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Just starting on my application process, but I've had a motivational statement ready for awhile now, wanted to bounce it off you guys. NO MERCY!!!!
I’ve always felt the call to service ever since I was a child. Growing up I would see advertisements showing the US Navy as a global force for good, time and again I saw the Navy put those words to practice. Protecting the sea lanes that ensure prosperity for not only our nation, but others as well. Assisting in disaster relief around the world, and striking out against those who would seek to harm innocents. To be afforded the privilege to serve that elite force which does so much good for others is what I’ve wanted more than anything in my life.
Consistently, I’ve been willing to assume support leadership positions in organizations I’ve joined. In college as a member of Gonzaga Mock Trial, I worked as a middle attorney for three years. This position required me to be flexible so I could assume any role necessary for the function of my team. This allowed more specialized members to focus on their narrow, but critical roles. The nature of the team required coordination and willingness to sacrifice roles to ensure optimal performance. One year I was unable to participate due to my commitment to study internationally. Rather than just leave, I approached my coach and asked to remain as an adviser to our incoming class of freshmen attorneys, a privilege I was granted. While I might not have been able to participate that year in a traditional capacity, I wanted to do whatever I could to help my team.
Throughout college, this was a role I was willing to assume in other clubs and organizations. In the Phi Alpha Theta history honors society, I worked as a tutor to help others achieve a more proficient understanding of history. In theater, I worked as a mentor with several undergraduates to improve their performance. I excelled in these roles. While they were not the major visible leadership positions , they were vital to maintaining the club’s operational functionality or were critical for ensuring the organization would have sufficiently trained talent for the time when the other senior members and I would no longer be present. I continue this in my current profession as a sales specialist. My role requires me to coordinate with multiple teams inside and outside my company and with members of senior management to meet strict deadlines and to accurately convey information to customers.
Were I to be afforded the privilege of serving my nation’s navy, I would provide flexible leadership that understands that the needs of a greater organization require a number of different roles be fulfilled.
I’ve always felt the call to service ever since I was a child. Growing up I would see advertisements showing the US Navy as a global force for good, time and again I saw the Navy put those words to practice. Protecting the sea lanes that ensure prosperity for not only our nation, but others as well. Assisting in disaster relief around the world, and striking out against those who would seek to harm innocents. To be afforded the privilege to serve that elite force which does so much good for others is what I’ve wanted more than anything in my life.
Consistently, I’ve been willing to assume support leadership positions in organizations I’ve joined. In college as a member of Gonzaga Mock Trial, I worked as a middle attorney for three years. This position required me to be flexible so I could assume any role necessary for the function of my team. This allowed more specialized members to focus on their narrow, but critical roles. The nature of the team required coordination and willingness to sacrifice roles to ensure optimal performance. One year I was unable to participate due to my commitment to study internationally. Rather than just leave, I approached my coach and asked to remain as an adviser to our incoming class of freshmen attorneys, a privilege I was granted. While I might not have been able to participate that year in a traditional capacity, I wanted to do whatever I could to help my team.
Throughout college, this was a role I was willing to assume in other clubs and organizations. In the Phi Alpha Theta history honors society, I worked as a tutor to help others achieve a more proficient understanding of history. In theater, I worked as a mentor with several undergraduates to improve their performance. I excelled in these roles. While they were not the major visible leadership positions , they were vital to maintaining the club’s operational functionality or were critical for ensuring the organization would have sufficiently trained talent for the time when the other senior members and I would no longer be present. I continue this in my current profession as a sales specialist. My role requires me to coordinate with multiple teams inside and outside my company and with members of senior management to meet strict deadlines and to accurately convey information to customers.
Were I to be afforded the privilege of serving my nation’s navy, I would provide flexible leadership that understands that the needs of a greater organization require a number of different roles be fulfilled.
You need to use topic sentences in your paragraphs.
You use many words/phrases incorrectly. I've bolded a few as examples.
Officer Candidacy School?
All of your sentences are pretty long. Try varying the length a bit. In the same vein try not to use so many phrases/clauses. Your sentences are very complex.
The bulk of this (i.e. the middle 2 paragraphs) read almost like a resume. I don't know why you want to serve.
Plus, I have no idea what Gonzaga Mock Trial is. Therefore, I don't really follow your explanation of "middle attorney" and what that means in the context of what you're trying to get across.
Shoot, I was worried it'd sound too much like a resume. I'll work to tighten is up there and explain more about why I want to serve. Any other recommendations for what I can tune up while I rework this?