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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Alright, I have two essays that need editing, both are for Senators that I am trying to secure a nomination from. The first is 478/500 words so not much room to add anything(it's online with a word counter so I can't sneak it by). The second has wiggle room, only has to be about a page with no exact word count.
Initially, my only interest in the Navy was to become a naval aviator, but after months of reflection I have realized that leading the young men and women of the Navy is what I really want to do. I never considered a career in the military until I had the opportunity to live in Virginia Beach and interact with non-commissioned and commissioned officers in the Navy. This is when I began to realize that those individuals had admirable qualities and that I wanted to emulate them.
I was fortunate enough to be assigned a Navy Chief as my host in Virginia Beach for several months during the 2007-2008 hockey season. He was able to answer many of my questions about the military-lifestyle through his personal example. He embodied everything that I wanted to be when I was an adult, hard-working, honest, and fair. Also, he dedicated himself to giving his son every opportunity that he never had. The other example I had was my assistant coach. This coach was a retired Marine Corps Officer that always got the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. These two men are some of my role-models, they have had successful careers while maintaining wonderful lives at home. More importantly they have inspired me to seek my own commission so that hopefully I may one day also inspire someone to become a Naval Officer.
The ability to make a difference in somebody's life has always been a goal of mine. As an officer I will be granted the opportunity to be in direct charge of young sailors. This means that I will have an opportunity to make a direct difference in someone's life; either in combat by making the correct decision or during non-combat operations by being an outstanding role-model. I want to be the best officer that I can be and that is only possible by being granted a commission from the Academy. I want to be an officer so I have an opportunity to grow up to be like my assistant coach or my billet from Virginia and inspire and lead the young sailors of the Navy.
I will be posting the second one as soon as I look over it again and make some changes. You guys have always been helpful before, don't let me down now.
I want to be commissioned from the Naval Academy because I believe it is the best place for me to develop as an officer. I learn best through action and at the Academy I will be given a chance to practice and refine my leadership skills for four years in a Navy environment. No other commissioning source can offer complete immersion in the culture of the Navy like the Academy can; some may come close, but they cannot match the experience that the Academy can offer. This will allow me to become the best officer that I can possibly be, which is important for my ultimate goal of being able to make a difference. My other interest in the Navy is aviation.
Initially, my only interest in the Navy was to become a naval aviator, but after months of reflection I have realized that leading the young men and women of the Navy is what I really want to do. I never considered a career in the military until I had the opportunity to live in Virginia Beach and interact with non-commissioned and commissioned officers in the Navy. This is when I began to realize that those individuals had admirable qualities and that I wanted to emulate them.
I was fortunate enough to be assigned a Navy Chief as my host in Virginia Beach for several months during the 2007-2008 hockey season. He was able to answer many of my questions about the military-lifestyle through his personal example. He embodied everything that I wanted to be when I was an adult, hard-working, honest, and fair. Also, he dedicated himself to giving his son every opportunity that he never had. The other example I had was my assistant coach. This coach was a retired Marine Corps Officer that always got the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. These two men are some of my role-models, they have had successful careers while maintaining wonderful lives at home. More importantly they have inspired me to seek my own commission so that hopefully I may one day also inspire someone to become a Naval Officer.
The ability to make a difference in somebody's life has always been a goal of mine. As an officer I will be granted the opportunity to be in direct charge of young sailors. This means that I will have an opportunity to make a direct difference in someone's life; either in combat by making the correct decision or during non-combat operations by being an outstanding role-model. I want to be the best officer that I can be and that is only possible by being granted a commission from the Academy. I want to be an officer so I have an opportunity to grow up to be like my assistant coach or my billet from Virginia and inspire and lead the young sailors of the Navy.
I will be posting the second one as soon as I look over it again and make some changes. You guys have always been helpful before, don't let me down now.
Another one!!!
I'm not interested in piloting, but all the same maybe my motivational statement could be critiqued please. Thank you.
I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy, so I can have the opportunity to give back to my country. I am a Registered Nurse. What a great opportunity for me to give back by caring for those who have given far more than the military time they have served!
In February of 1996 I was honorably discharged from the U.S. Navy. I was enlisted, having served 4 years as a Hospital Corpsman. During my enlistment, I saw the knowledge, commitment to duty, and leadership that Navy Nurses displayed on a daily basis. It was shortly after discharge that I decided not only to become a Registered Nurse (minimum educational requirement is an associates degree), but to continue my education with the explicit goal of becoming a Commissioned Officer in the United States Navy Nurse Corps.
I started my journey 6 years ago when I enrolled at The University of Phoenix to obtain a Baccalaureate of Science in Nursing degree. I not only completed my educational requirements, but I did this while working more than full time (two jobs), supporting a family, and meeting my duties as a father, and husband. While I have encountered several obstacles since beginning, one thing has remained static, I am focused on my goal. Since graduation, I have consistently pursued the most demanding specialties; I have worked in Emergency Departments, Trauma Units, Cardiovascular Intensive Care Units, and my current specialty, Flight Nursing. While this is a very rewarding and noble career, something is missing. My greatest desire is to be a part of something great, something I can take pride in. I frequently think about those injured during their tour, and would love nothing more that to be an integral part of their survival and rehabilitation.[/I]
I'm not interested in piloting, but all the same maybe my motivational statement could be critiqued please. Thank you.
I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy, so I can have the opportunity to give back to my country. I am a Registered Nurse. What a great opportunity for me to give back by caring for those who have given far more than the military time they have served!
In February of 1996 I was honorably discharged from the U.S. Navy. I was enlisted, having served 4 years as a Hospital Corpsman. During my enlistment, I saw the knowledge, commitment to duty, and leadership that Navy Nurses displayed on a daily basis. It was shortly after discharge that I decided not only to become a Registered Nurse (minimum educational requirement is an associates degree), but to continue my education with the explicit goal of becoming a Commissioned Officer in the United States Navy Nurse Corps.
I started my journey 6 years ago when I enrolled at The University of Phoenix to obtain a Baccalaureate of Science in Nursing degree. I not only completed my educational requirements, but I did this while working more than full time (two jobs), supporting a family, and meeting my duties as a father, and husband. While I have encountered several obstacles since beginning, one thing has remained static, I am focused on my goal. Since graduation, I have consistently pursued the most demanding specialties; I have worked in Emergency Departments, Trauma Units, Cardiovascular Intensive Care Units, and my current specialty, Flight Nursing. While this is a very rewarding and noble career, something is missing. My greatest desire is to be a part of something great, something I can take pride in. I frequently think about those injured during their tour, and would love nothing more that to be an integral part of their survival and rehabilitation.[/I]
Can someone please proof?
Can someone please proof and offer up any suggestions on how to improve this? I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks
My calling to the United States Navy came during the terrorists attacks of September 11th, 2001. Like most of my fellow countrymen, I was heart-broken and saddened as the events played out in the days following the attacks. When the President stood at Ground Zero on September 14th, 2001 and proclaimed "the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon," I knew my fate was sealed. I vowed at that moment to spend my life fighting for this great country.
Just enlisting in the Navy Reserves did not fulfill my quest to serve. After I was not a part of my Unit’s mobilization in March 2003, I changed my MAS code to VOL rather than wait for the Unit to be mobilized again. If the Command did not have an immediate need for me, maybe the entire Navy would. Less than a year later, I received my mobilization order and was deployed to Camp Al Taqaddum, Iraq as an Individual Augmentee. It didn’t matter that I had just finished my Bachelor’s degree and was extremely motivated to begin my Graduate studies. It didn’t matter that I had a wife at home caring for our three wonderful children all under age three. It didn’t matter that I had a bright career and civilian job at home that I love. It also didn’t matter that a deployment would be a financial burden to my family. What did matter was that I had a role to play in support of our country’s National Security.
Since I first enlisted in the Navy, I have continually pushed myself to the highest standards. I have been accepted and nearly completed the Master of Business Administration degree from one of the nation’s most prestigious graduate business schools. I am a Supervisor with a Fortune 500 Company, and have been promoted six times in the last seven years. I have also climbed the ranks to Second Class Petty Officer in our great Navy. Each of these experiences have developed and strengthened my Leadership skills.
In conclusion, I believe that my combination of military experience, education, and civilian experience make me an ideal asset to join your ranks as an Officer in the United States Navy. Naval Officers have a long and storied history, and I believe I have spent the last decade of my life preparing for this opportunity.
Can someone please proof and offer up any suggestions on how to improve this? I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks
My calling to the United States Navy came during the terrorists attacks of September 11th, 2001. Like most of my fellow countrymen, I was heart-broken and saddened as the events played out in the days following the attacks. When the President stood at Ground Zero on September 14th, 2001 and proclaimed "the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon," I knew my fate was sealed. I vowed at that moment to spend my life fighting for this great country.
Just enlisting in the Navy Reserves did not fulfill my quest to serve. After I was not a part of my Unit’s mobilization in March 2003, I changed my MAS code to VOL rather than wait for the Unit to be mobilized again. If the Command did not have an immediate need for me, maybe the entire Navy would. Less than a year later, I received my mobilization order and was deployed to Camp Al Taqaddum, Iraq as an Individual Augmentee. It didn’t matter that I had just finished my Bachelor’s degree and was extremely motivated to begin my Graduate studies. It didn’t matter that I had a wife at home caring for our three wonderful children all under age three. It didn’t matter that I had a bright career and civilian job at home that I love. It also didn’t matter that a deployment would be a financial burden to my family. What did matter was that I had a role to play in support of our country’s National Security.
Since I first enlisted in the Navy, I have continually pushed myself to the highest standards. I have been accepted and nearly completed the Master of Business Administration degree from one of the nation’s most prestigious graduate business schools. I am a Supervisor with a Fortune 500 Company, and have been promoted six times in the last seven years. I have also climbed the ranks to Second Class Petty Officer in our great Navy. Each of these experiences have developed and strengthened my Leadership skills.
In conclusion, I believe that my combination of military experience, education, and civilian experience make me an ideal asset to join your ranks as an Officer in the United States Navy. Naval Officers have a long and storied history, and I believe I have spent the last decade of my life preparing for this opportunity.
jdw006
New Member
Sure are a lot of comma splices for a soon to be MBA graduate of one of the nation's most prestigious graduate business schools and supervisor of a Fortune 500 company says the BA graduate of a smaller Texas college and current retail worker. Other than that not too bad at all . . .
m0tbaillie
Former SWO
Although I vehemently disagree with some of what you said on a personal level, from a written standpoint it's written quite well and I can't really find too much to change.
Despite various grammatical nuances, I personally don't want to offer up any ways to improve it because it's your writing, your thoughts, and your beliefs. Ultimately its your statement about yourself.
However, repeating things like "It didn't, it didn't matter, it didn't matter" and then inserting various statements after them comes off as very trite, repetitive, and almost preachy. Try to make that passage a bit more succinct.
No, not really; he doesn't really have any run-ons.
Despite various grammatical nuances, I personally don't want to offer up any ways to improve it because it's your writing, your thoughts, and your beliefs. Ultimately its your statement about yourself.
However, repeating things like "It didn't, it didn't matter, it didn't matter" and then inserting various statements after them comes off as very trite, repetitive, and almost preachy. Try to make that passage a bit more succinct.
No, not really; he doesn't really have any run-ons.
Do you think the OP really gives a shit about what you think of his personal views? Why do you insist on inserting your political leanings into nearly all of your posts? Save it for your smart-ass college friends, because constantly hearing it here "comes off as very trite, repetitive, and almost preachy."
m3urthy
Why don't you have a seat right over there.
Watch out for capitalizing things that aren't proper nouns, and some of that was a bit cheesy. I'm not saying it's not how you really feel or that you're not devoted, but to me some of the stuff was a bit over the top. Maybe concentrate on accentuating how your sacrifices for your nation have prepared you for the hardships of becoming a Navy officer.
m0tbaillie
Former SWO
Did I insert any of my political leanings into that post? I absolutely gave a good chunk of advice and didn't elucidate on just what I disagree with. It's not so much my personal views that make the difference, it's the fact that some of what he said is probably something the boards see ad nauseum and probably wouldn't wow them more than the other 1,200 guys that have done it. I didn't mean it in the sense that I disagree with his views per se, but rather, I meant that I disagree with what he was putting in there because it wasn't going to make him stand out any more to the boards because it IS trite and overused.
Thank you all for your feedback. I have tried to incorporate a good bit of it into the file. Would you be willing to review once more? I am worried about the last feedback that 9/11 will not standout. I did enlist because of and shortl after 9/11, but if the board sees this as just another statement, do I need a new approach? I really do appreciate the feedback.
My calling to the United States Navy came during the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. My duty to make sure this would never happen again motivated me to enlist in the United States Navy. I vowed to honor my country and spend the rest of my life fighting for it.
Enlisting in the Navy Reserves did not fulfill my quest to serve.
I was not a part of my Unit's mobilization in March 2003, I had the courage to change my MAS code to VOL rather than wait for the Unit to be mobilized again. If the Command did not have an immediate need for me, maybe the entire Navy would. Less than a year later, I received my mobilization order and was deployed to Camp Al Taqaddum, Iraq as an individual augmentee. It did not matter that I had just finished my Bachelor's degree and was extremely motivated to begin my graduate studies. Or that I had a wife at home caring for our three children under age three. Or that a deployment would be a financial burden to my family. What did matter was that I had a commitment to support our country's national security.
Since I first enlisted in the Navy, I have personally and professionally strived to elevate myself to the highest standards. I have nearly completed the Master of Business Administration degree from the Katz Graduate School of Business at the University of Pittsburgh. I am Supervisor at Alcoa, one of the world's leading producers of Aluminum, and have been continually promoted within the organization. I have also climbed the ranks to Second Class Petty Officer in the United States Navy. All of these experiences have simultaneously developed and strengthened my leadership skills.
I believe that the combination of military, education, and civilian experience make me an ideal candidate to join the ranks as an Officer in the United States Navy. I set the standard high for myself and ask for the opportunity to prove that I have the honor, courage, and commitment to accomplish even more as an Officer. After joining the United States Navy my life was accelerated in ways that I did not think possible before. It has made me what I am today and it would be an even greater privilege to serve as an Officer in the United States Navy.
My calling to the United States Navy came during the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. My duty to make sure this would never happen again motivated me to enlist in the United States Navy. I vowed to honor my country and spend the rest of my life fighting for it.
Enlisting in the Navy Reserves did not fulfill my quest to serve.
I was not a part of my Unit's mobilization in March 2003, I had the courage to change my MAS code to VOL rather than wait for the Unit to be mobilized again. If the Command did not have an immediate need for me, maybe the entire Navy would. Less than a year later, I received my mobilization order and was deployed to Camp Al Taqaddum, Iraq as an individual augmentee. It did not matter that I had just finished my Bachelor's degree and was extremely motivated to begin my graduate studies. Or that I had a wife at home caring for our three children under age three. Or that a deployment would be a financial burden to my family. What did matter was that I had a commitment to support our country's national security.
Since I first enlisted in the Navy, I have personally and professionally strived to elevate myself to the highest standards. I have nearly completed the Master of Business Administration degree from the Katz Graduate School of Business at the University of Pittsburgh. I am Supervisor at Alcoa, one of the world's leading producers of Aluminum, and have been continually promoted within the organization. I have also climbed the ranks to Second Class Petty Officer in the United States Navy. All of these experiences have simultaneously developed and strengthened my leadership skills.
I believe that the combination of military, education, and civilian experience make me an ideal candidate to join the ranks as an Officer in the United States Navy. I set the standard high for myself and ask for the opportunity to prove that I have the honor, courage, and commitment to accomplish even more as an Officer. After joining the United States Navy my life was accelerated in ways that I did not think possible before. It has made me what I am today and it would be an even greater privilege to serve as an Officer in the United States Navy.
m0tbaillie
Former SWO
Very good. Phrog'sShoeWife was spot-on.
Way to backpedal. Compare with:
So what was the point of posting that, other than to point out that you personally disagree(vehemently, no less)?