BullGator
Active Member
I don't speak e-bonics.
No, that part wasn't a joke. Why did you not talk about yourself? :icon_tong
Since you posted your essay, that was a joke by the way. Relax man. It's all good.
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
No, that part wasn't a joke. Why did you not talk about yourself? :icon_tong
Since you posted your essay, that was a joke by the way. Relax man. It's all good.
I don't speak e-bonics.
No, that part wasn't a joke. Why did you not talk about yourself? :icon_tong
Since you posted your essay, that was a joke by the way. Relax man. It's all good.
True true. But the final version was acceptable.
I was hoping that someone could critique my motivational statement.
I strive for a commission in the United States Navy so I can serve my country yet again. When I was in the Marine Corps I held the values of honor, courage, and commitment to heart and instilled them into my daily actions. As an officer and as a pilot, I will continue to embody those values on a more profound scale.
During my five year enlistment in the Marine Corps, my superior performance as a Field Radio Repairman and a Marine afforded me many opportunities. I was meritoriously promoted to the grade of E-4, Corporal. Shortly after my promotion I placed third in Corporals Course. At any given time I held the billets of Tools NCO and Modification Control NCO. When deployed with 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines, I earned a Navy/Marine Corps Achievement Medal for superior performance in my duties. During the last year of my enlistment, I served as the primary Marine Corps Martial Arts (MCMAP) Instructor for my company, was promoted to the grade of E-5, Sergeant, and earned my Associates degree.
After being honorably discharged from the Marines, I attended Weber State University. Though I attended only four semesters, I accomplished much. Every semester I took a minimum of 16 credit hours, receiving honors for my grade point average every time. I performed the duties of officer in charge of open hours for the Criminal Justice Honor Society. My duties included arranging for guest speakers in the field of criminal justice, assisting with the planning and execution of the Criminal Justice Career Fair, and recruiting new members for the honor society. I was a member of the Mock Trial Team and also participated in the Psychology Honor Society (Psi Chi). While in Psi Chi, I gave oral presentations on research in the field of psychology on three different occasions and co-authored award winning research. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a cumulative GPA of 3.94.
In conclusion, I am certain that my military experience, as well as my college and life experience will serve as an asset to the United States Navy. The time I served enlisted will give me a unique perspective as an officer and affect my leadership style positively. The technical aspects of my previous training, as well as my willingness to learn and adapt will help me to excel as a pilot.
I strive for a commission in the United States Navy so I can serve my country yet again. When I was in the Marine Corps I held the values of honor, courage, and commitment to heart and instilled them into my daily actions. As an officer and as a pilot, I will continue to embody those values on a more profound scale.
During my five year enlistment in the Marine Corps, my superior performance as a Field Radio Repairman and a Marine afforded me many opportunities. I was meritoriously promoted to the grade of E-4, Corporal. Shortly after my promotion I placed third in Corporals Course. At any given time I held the billets of Tools NCO and Modification Control NCO. When deployed with 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines, I earned a Navy/Marine Corps Achievement Medal for superior performance in my duties. During the last year of my enlistment, I served as the primary Marine Corps Martial Arts (MCMAP) Instructor for my company, was promoted to the grade of E-5, Sergeant, and earned my Associates degree.
After being honorably discharged from the Marines, I attended Weber State University. Though I attended only four semesters, I accomplished much. Every semester I took a minimum of 16 credit hours, receiving honors for my grade point average every time. I performed the duties of officer in charge of open hours for the Criminal Justice Honor Society. My duties included arranging for guest speakers in the field of criminal justice, assisting with the planning and execution of the Criminal Justice Career Fair, and recruiting new members for the honor society. I was a member of the Mock Trial Team and also participated in the Psychology Honor Society (Psi Chi). While in Psi Chi, I gave oral presentations on research in the field of psychology on three different occasions and co-authored award winning research. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a cumulative GPA of 3.94.
In conclusion, I am certain that my military experience, as well as my college and life experience will serve as an asset to the United States Navy. The time I served enlisted will give me a unique perspective as an officer and affect my leadership style positively. The technical aspects of my previous training, as well as my willingness to learn and adapt will help me to excel as a pilot.
Harrier Dude
Living the dream
Lose the "E-4" and "E-5" business. They know what a Corporal and Sergeant is. Other than that, it looks pretty good. You might want to go a little heavier into your motivation and thought process, and a little less into your resume. They should have all of that stuff from your package.
As I understand it, the question that you're answering is "Why do you want to be an officer in the U.S. Navy?".....so be sure you answer that.
Well written, overall.
Good luck!
As I understand it, the question that you're answering is "Why do you want to be an officer in the U.S. Navy?".....so be sure you answer that.
Well written, overall.
Good luck!
TTUalumn07
New Member
I see alot of the same mumbo jumbo in the motivational statements. (Follow family footsteps, I always wanted to do .... since I was a kid, etc.). Which leaves me to wonder, does the board just want to see a motivational statement that is extremely well put together?
I'm just trying to put myself in the boards shoes, and see what looks good to them.
I'm just trying to put myself in the boards shoes, and see what looks good to them.
I appreciate everyone's help. Let me know what you think of the 2nd draft.
There are three factors that motivate me to seek a commission in the United States Navy. First, I want a career that promotes personal growth and performance. In the Marine Corps I internalized and instilled the values of honor, courage, and commitment in my daily actions. During my five year enlistment in the Marine Corps, my performance afforded me many opportunities. I was meritoriously promoted to the rank of Corporal. Shortly after my promotion I placed third in Corporals Course. When deployed to Afghanistan with 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines, I earned a Navy/Marine Corps Achievement Medal for superior performance in my duties. During the last year of my enlistment, I served as the primary Marine Corps Martial Arts (MCMAP) Instructor for my company, was promoted to the rank of Sergeant, and earned my Associates degree.
Next, I thrive in challenging environments. After being honorably discharged from the Marines, I attended Weber State University. Each semester I took a minimum of 16 credit hours. I performed the duties of officer in charge of open hours for the Criminal Justice Honor Society. I arranged for guest speakers in the field of criminal justice, assisted with the planning and execution of the Criminal Justice Career Fair, and recruited new members for the honor society. I was a member of the Mock Trial Team and also participated in the Psychology Honor Society. I gave oral presentations on research in the field of psychology on three different occasions and co-authored award winning research. I was awarded the Department of Psychology Outstanding Student of the Year and graduated Summa Cum Laude with a GPA of 3.92. I see the Navy as a challenging environment that will continue my passion for growth.
Lastly, I want to make a contribution. I have benefited from this country and the opportunities and assistance it renders. I have developed a desire to give back to an honorable cause and organization. I can do this by advancing the mission of the United States Navy. I am certain that my experiences will give me a unique perspective as an officer and affect my leadership style positively. The technical aspects of my previous training, as well as my willingness to learn and adapt will help me to excel as an officer and a pilot. In turn, I will serve as an essential contribution to the United States Navy and its overall readiness.
There are three factors that motivate me to seek a commission in the United States Navy. First, I want a career that promotes personal growth and performance. In the Marine Corps I internalized and instilled the values of honor, courage, and commitment in my daily actions. During my five year enlistment in the Marine Corps, my performance afforded me many opportunities. I was meritoriously promoted to the rank of Corporal. Shortly after my promotion I placed third in Corporals Course. When deployed to Afghanistan with 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines, I earned a Navy/Marine Corps Achievement Medal for superior performance in my duties. During the last year of my enlistment, I served as the primary Marine Corps Martial Arts (MCMAP) Instructor for my company, was promoted to the rank of Sergeant, and earned my Associates degree.
Next, I thrive in challenging environments. After being honorably discharged from the Marines, I attended Weber State University. Each semester I took a minimum of 16 credit hours. I performed the duties of officer in charge of open hours for the Criminal Justice Honor Society. I arranged for guest speakers in the field of criminal justice, assisted with the planning and execution of the Criminal Justice Career Fair, and recruited new members for the honor society. I was a member of the Mock Trial Team and also participated in the Psychology Honor Society. I gave oral presentations on research in the field of psychology on three different occasions and co-authored award winning research. I was awarded the Department of Psychology Outstanding Student of the Year and graduated Summa Cum Laude with a GPA of 3.92. I see the Navy as a challenging environment that will continue my passion for growth.
Lastly, I want to make a contribution. I have benefited from this country and the opportunities and assistance it renders. I have developed a desire to give back to an honorable cause and organization. I can do this by advancing the mission of the United States Navy. I am certain that my experiences will give me a unique perspective as an officer and affect my leadership style positively. The technical aspects of my previous training, as well as my willingness to learn and adapt will help me to excel as an officer and a pilot. In turn, I will serve as an essential contribution to the United States Navy and its overall readiness.
grant_davis
New Member
Why I think I would make a great Navy Officer.
I have extreme dedication and drive. I sat down on the airwarriors mega thread and read the whole thing in one sitting. While doing this I was starving but I did not let that get in my way. My father often spent long hours on the Internet instead of accomplishing what he needed to do and I like him want to do the same.
Wow, if procrastination could kill I would have died 30 minutes ago. This thread did help though and I am now going to close the Internet, open word and go to town. Ill send it off to grandma before I post it (she existed before spell check so she might know how to write... Could be a long shot but I am hopeless haha) and hopefully Zab wont tare it into too many pieces. Appreciate yall taking the time to help and hopefully Ill be able to return the favor at some point.
I have extreme dedication and drive. I sat down on the airwarriors mega thread and read the whole thing in one sitting. While doing this I was starving but I did not let that get in my way. My father often spent long hours on the Internet instead of accomplishing what he needed to do and I like him want to do the same.
Wow, if procrastination could kill I would have died 30 minutes ago. This thread did help though and I am now going to close the Internet, open word and go to town. Ill send it off to grandma before I post it (she existed before spell check so she might know how to write... Could be a long shot but I am hopeless haha) and hopefully Zab wont tare it into too many pieces. Appreciate yall taking the time to help and hopefully Ill be able to return the favor at some point.
grant_davis
New Member
I am seeking commission in the United States Navy for two reasons: I truly believe that The Navy will make me a better man and I know the Navy would benefit from having me as an officer. If given the opportunity to become a Navy officer, I would hold myself and those around me to the strictest standards and strive to uphold the honor of the US Navy all while fulfilling my patriotic duty. Adlai Stevenson describes patriotism when he says “Patriotism... is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.” I would like nothing more than to give my life a purpose by giving back to the country that I love while serving in the greatest Navy in the world.
My cultural experience would be a great asset to the Navy. My father works for the aviation industry so I have traveled to many countries such as Ireland, Germany, and United Arab Emmerants and even lived in Athens, Greece while I studied abroad. Although I am double majoring in Marketing and Management, the skills I have learned in the classroom and from my experiences at school will definitely transfer into the Navy. Aside from the dedication and time management skills it takes to maintain a 3.67 GPA, I am also involved in many extra curricular activities that promote leadership and commitment. I am the treasurer, scholarship chair, and inner fraternal caulicle representative for my fraternity chapter. Holding these officer positions in my fraternity has taught me a lot about being a leader. As an officer I am looked up to by all of the other members of the fraternity and must do my best to ensure I am representing the fraternity and myself in the best possible way. I am also a leader on the nationally ranked Georgia College water-ski team and the fraternity flag football team.
All of these experiences have instilled in me a sense of pride and a desire to do more for the country that has done so much for me. John F. Kennedy addressed the pride that is shared by all who serve America when he said, "I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.'"
Thanks for any help ..
My cultural experience would be a great asset to the Navy. My father works for the aviation industry so I have traveled to many countries such as Ireland, Germany, and United Arab Emmerants and even lived in Athens, Greece while I studied abroad. Although I am double majoring in Marketing and Management, the skills I have learned in the classroom and from my experiences at school will definitely transfer into the Navy. Aside from the dedication and time management skills it takes to maintain a 3.67 GPA, I am also involved in many extra curricular activities that promote leadership and commitment. I am the treasurer, scholarship chair, and inner fraternal caulicle representative for my fraternity chapter. Holding these officer positions in my fraternity has taught me a lot about being a leader. As an officer I am looked up to by all of the other members of the fraternity and must do my best to ensure I am representing the fraternity and myself in the best possible way. I am also a leader on the nationally ranked Georgia College water-ski team and the fraternity flag football team.
All of these experiences have instilled in me a sense of pride and a desire to do more for the country that has done so much for me. John F. Kennedy addressed the pride that is shared by all who serve America when he said, "I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.'"
Thanks for any help ..
If you guys could take a look at my motivational statement and let me know what you think. This is my first draft. I am applying for DCO INTEL.
I have spent my life emulating the example of my grandfather, who is a Navy veteran of World War II. I worked hard to support my family through difficult times. I obtained my education at night, while building an exemplary career. I hope to fulfill my desire to serve my country. I am grateful to the Sailors who have gone before me to defend my freedom. It is my turn to give back to my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.
In the law enforcement field, our ranks are filled with officers with prior military experience. My peers are often shocked to find that I have none. This is due to how I carry myself, and the moral code that I live by. I live by a code similar to the Navy’s core values of honor, courage, and commitment. As a leader, I serve as a moral example for those that I lead. I do a job that many people do not have the courage to do. I leave home with the knowledge that I could lose my life. I realize that I must consistently better myself as an officer. I take every opportunity available to train. I am the person that people go to when things need to get done. Through moral leadership, courage, and dedication to duty, I exemplify the Navy’s core values of honor, courage, commitment.
I have held a leadership positions in most activities that I participated in. In middle school, I began as a leader in the Boy Scouts, and carried on what I learned about leadership to high school. In my high school’s music program, I served as student president, and held four other leadership positions. The rewarding part of that experience was teaching and leading others. More recently, I was made a Squad Leader in the Florida Highway Patrol (FHP) Training Academy. In this live-in paramilitary academy, I was responsible for the leadership of twelve other recruits over a seven month period. I was the only non-prior military recruit appointed to this position. Currently, I am serving as a Field Training Officer with FHP.
I work hard to be a leader in everything that I do. I love my country, and I feel that as an Officer in the United States Navy, I will be able to give back to those who have given so much to me.
I have spent my life emulating the example of my grandfather, who is a Navy veteran of World War II. I worked hard to support my family through difficult times. I obtained my education at night, while building an exemplary career. I hope to fulfill my desire to serve my country. I am grateful to the Sailors who have gone before me to defend my freedom. It is my turn to give back to my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.
In the law enforcement field, our ranks are filled with officers with prior military experience. My peers are often shocked to find that I have none. This is due to how I carry myself, and the moral code that I live by. I live by a code similar to the Navy’s core values of honor, courage, and commitment. As a leader, I serve as a moral example for those that I lead. I do a job that many people do not have the courage to do. I leave home with the knowledge that I could lose my life. I realize that I must consistently better myself as an officer. I take every opportunity available to train. I am the person that people go to when things need to get done. Through moral leadership, courage, and dedication to duty, I exemplify the Navy’s core values of honor, courage, commitment.
I have held a leadership positions in most activities that I participated in. In middle school, I began as a leader in the Boy Scouts, and carried on what I learned about leadership to high school. In my high school’s music program, I served as student president, and held four other leadership positions. The rewarding part of that experience was teaching and leading others. More recently, I was made a Squad Leader in the Florida Highway Patrol (FHP) Training Academy. In this live-in paramilitary academy, I was responsible for the leadership of twelve other recruits over a seven month period. I was the only non-prior military recruit appointed to this position. Currently, I am serving as a Field Training Officer with FHP.
I work hard to be a leader in everything that I do. I love my country, and I feel that as an Officer in the United States Navy, I will be able to give back to those who have given so much to me.
Grant:
Pretty well written. My recommended changes in red / bold.
Basic guidance -
- speak in present tense when possible.
- don't overdue the quotations...looks like you can't express in your own words. Probably need to use only one or the other quote. The Kennedy one is the better one, but if you use the Stephenson one, you need past tense, especially since he's dead...he doesn't "say" anything anymore.
- don't downplay your achievements with "Although..." It reads like you are apologizing for not being in a technical major, when in fact you ought to be amplifying the fact that you had a double major.
- avoid "extra" words (also, like, such as, that, etc, etc).
Good luck.
I seek a commission in the United States Navy for two reasons: I truly believe the Navy will make me a better man and I know the Navy will benefit from having me as an officer. If given the opportunity to become a Navy officer, I will hold myself and those around me to the strictest standards and strive to uphold the honor of the US Navy, all while fulfilling my patriotic duty. Adlai Stevenson best described patriotism when he said “Patriotism... is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.” I would like nothing more than to give my life a purpose by giving back to the country that I love while serving in the greatest Navy in the world.
My cultural experience is a great asset to the Navy. My father works for the aviation industry and I have traveled to many countries including Ireland, Germany, and United Arab Emirates, and I even lived in Athens, Greece, while studying abroad. I am double majoring in Marketing and Management; the skills I am learning in the classroom and from my experiences at school will definitely be useful in my Navy career. Aside from the dedication and time management skills it takes to maintain a 3.67 GPA, I am involved in many extra curricular activities that promote leadership and commitment. I am the treasurer, scholarship chair, and inner fraternal (do you mean "inter-fraternal"?) caulicle representative (WTF is a caulicle? Might want to use a different word for non-frat guys who may be on the board) for my fraternity chapter. Holding these officer positions in my fraternity taught me a lot about being a leader. As an officer I am looked up to by the other members of the fraternity and I strive to ensure I am representing the fraternity and myself in the best possible way. I am also a leader on the nationally ranked Georgia College water-ski team and the fraternity flag football team.
These experiences have instilled in me a sense of pride and a desire to do more for the country that has done so much for me. John F. Kennedy summed it up for me when he said, "I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.'"
(if you can't read the red / bold on your browser, PM me and I'll email to you.)
Pretty well written. My recommended changes in red / bold.
Basic guidance -
- speak in present tense when possible.
- don't overdue the quotations...looks like you can't express in your own words. Probably need to use only one or the other quote. The Kennedy one is the better one, but if you use the Stephenson one, you need past tense, especially since he's dead...he doesn't "say" anything anymore.
- don't downplay your achievements with "Although..." It reads like you are apologizing for not being in a technical major, when in fact you ought to be amplifying the fact that you had a double major.
- avoid "extra" words (also, like, such as, that, etc, etc).
Good luck.
I seek a commission in the United States Navy for two reasons: I truly believe the Navy will make me a better man and I know the Navy will benefit from having me as an officer. If given the opportunity to become a Navy officer, I will hold myself and those around me to the strictest standards and strive to uphold the honor of the US Navy, all while fulfilling my patriotic duty. Adlai Stevenson best described patriotism when he said “Patriotism... is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.” I would like nothing more than to give my life a purpose by giving back to the country that I love while serving in the greatest Navy in the world.
My cultural experience is a great asset to the Navy. My father works for the aviation industry and I have traveled to many countries including Ireland, Germany, and United Arab Emirates, and I even lived in Athens, Greece, while studying abroad. I am double majoring in Marketing and Management; the skills I am learning in the classroom and from my experiences at school will definitely be useful in my Navy career. Aside from the dedication and time management skills it takes to maintain a 3.67 GPA, I am involved in many extra curricular activities that promote leadership and commitment. I am the treasurer, scholarship chair, and inner fraternal (do you mean "inter-fraternal"?) caulicle representative (WTF is a caulicle? Might want to use a different word for non-frat guys who may be on the board) for my fraternity chapter. Holding these officer positions in my fraternity taught me a lot about being a leader. As an officer I am looked up to by the other members of the fraternity and I strive to ensure I am representing the fraternity and myself in the best possible way. I am also a leader on the nationally ranked Georgia College water-ski team and the fraternity flag football team.
These experiences have instilled in me a sense of pride and a desire to do more for the country that has done so much for me. John F. Kennedy summed it up for me when he said, "I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.'"
(if you can't read the red / bold on your browser, PM me and I'll email to you.)
grant_davis
New Member
Thanks a lot for taking the time to help me with this... Your advice is great and I am making the corrections to my essay right now. Hopefully I can get my packet together in time for the November Boards... Thanks again!
McBuff
Sees the light
One more for the fire
My main concerns: I'm a civilian paramedic and use that to exemplify my leadership abilities. I'm concerned that I sound like a tool who thinks he's way more important than he actually is. Also, I love this country and one of my motivations is a sense of duty to protect our freedoms, however I can't seem to fit it in there without sounding like a drone who knows what the board wants to hear. Any help with these two issues is appreciated as well as anything else you guys can come up with. I bolded the sentances that I think sound a little strange.
It is embarrassing to say that I was once a mediocre person who put forth the minimum effort required to succeed, however, over the last several years, I have matured and my priorities have changed. Having experienced the world outside of the protective nature of school walls has opened my eyes to the perils of mediocrity. Many people capable of great things settle for less, and I will not be one of them. I now hold myself to a standard on par with my abilities. Physically, I partake in regular exercise and eat well. Morally, I value integrity, honesty and dependability and my actions echo my beliefs. Professionally, I educate myself, and aim to be the best in my workplace. Through research, I’ve found that these are all traits exemplified by the United States Navy’s core values and wish to be among other Officers with the same high standards.
I have worked hard and am proud of all of my achievements, the greatest of these being my licensing as an EMT-Paramedic. As the “commander” of an ALS ambulance, part of my responsibilities involves supervision of all elements on an EMS call, including management of police, fire and other EMS personnel as well as bystanders, all while treating potentially sick patients. This overall scene management is the most challenging, yet the most rewarding aspect of my profession. I enjoy taking control of a time-sensitive situation and overcoming any obstacle encountered. This desire to lead is a primary motivation for seeking a commission in the United States Navy.
One final reason for my application is my longing to be a part of something great, in which I can take pride. This is one facet missing from my job. Medicine is rewarding, however frequently an individual effort. I feel that when I wear my current uniform, I merely represent myself and wish for something more meaningful. It would be an honor to put on a uniform that represents 300 million people, over 225 years of tradition and the freedoms that I, as an American, have been blessed with.
My main concerns: I'm a civilian paramedic and use that to exemplify my leadership abilities. I'm concerned that I sound like a tool who thinks he's way more important than he actually is. Also, I love this country and one of my motivations is a sense of duty to protect our freedoms, however I can't seem to fit it in there without sounding like a drone who knows what the board wants to hear. Any help with these two issues is appreciated as well as anything else you guys can come up with. I bolded the sentances that I think sound a little strange.
It is embarrassing to say that I was once a mediocre person who put forth the minimum effort required to succeed, however, over the last several years, I have matured and my priorities have changed. Having experienced the world outside of the protective nature of school walls has opened my eyes to the perils of mediocrity. Many people capable of great things settle for less, and I will not be one of them. I now hold myself to a standard on par with my abilities. Physically, I partake in regular exercise and eat well. Morally, I value integrity, honesty and dependability and my actions echo my beliefs. Professionally, I educate myself, and aim to be the best in my workplace. Through research, I’ve found that these are all traits exemplified by the United States Navy’s core values and wish to be among other Officers with the same high standards.
I have worked hard and am proud of all of my achievements, the greatest of these being my licensing as an EMT-Paramedic. As the “commander” of an ALS ambulance, part of my responsibilities involves supervision of all elements on an EMS call, including management of police, fire and other EMS personnel as well as bystanders, all while treating potentially sick patients. This overall scene management is the most challenging, yet the most rewarding aspect of my profession. I enjoy taking control of a time-sensitive situation and overcoming any obstacle encountered. This desire to lead is a primary motivation for seeking a commission in the United States Navy.
One final reason for my application is my longing to be a part of something great, in which I can take pride. This is one facet missing from my job. Medicine is rewarding, however frequently an individual effort. I feel that when I wear my current uniform, I merely represent myself and wish for something more meaningful. It would be an honor to put on a uniform that represents 300 million people, over 225 years of tradition and the freedoms that I, as an American, have been blessed with.
McBuff:
My suggestions are in red:
...
(I don't like that you start out putting yourself down. I understand where you're going with it and the point you are getting across, but you instantly set a low first impression) It is embarrassing to say that I was once a mediocre person who put forth the minimum effort required to succeed, however (no comma) over the last several years (no comma) I have matured and my priorities have improved. Having experienced the world outside of the protective nature of school walls has opened my eyes to the perils of mediocrity. Many people capable of great things settle for less, however I have decided to not be one of them; I now hold myself to a standard on par with my abilities. Physically, I partake in regular exercise and adhere to a healthy diet. Morally, I value integrity, honesty and dependability and my actions echo my beliefs. (Examples of how you value these would be good) Professionally, I continually educate myself, and aim to be the best in my workplace. Through research, I’ve found that these are all traits exemplified by the United States Navy’s core values and wish to be among other Officers with the same high standards. (I know what you're saying, but from this it sounds like enlisted don't have those values. This might not matter, but it came to my mind.)
I have worked hard and am proud of all of my achievements, the greatest of these being my licensing as an EMT-Paramedic, following completion of my degree in xxx from xxx. As the commander(no quotes, downplays your importance) of an ALS ambulance, part of my responsibilities involves supervision of all elements on an EMS call: management of police, fire, EMS and bystanders, in addition to treating potentially dieing patients. This overall scene management is the most challenging, yet the most rewarding aspect of my profession. I enjoy taking control of a time-sensitive situation and overcoming any obstacle encountered. This desire to lead is a primary motivation for seeking a commission in the United States Navy.
One final reason for my desire to serve is my longing to be a part of something great, in which I can take pride. This is one facet missing from my job. Medicine is rewarding, however frequently I find it to be an individual effort. I feel that when I wear my current uniform, I merely represent myself and wish for something more meaningful. It would be an honor to put on a uniform that represents 300 million people, over 225 years of tradition and the freedoms that I, as an American, have been blessed with.
I like yours a lot dude. Especially the closing. My suggestions are merely that, so take what you like and no what you don't. Just don't ever downplay your importance or put yourself down. You may also want to say why you specifically want what you are applying for.
Best of luck to ya.
My suggestions are in red:
...
(I don't like that you start out putting yourself down. I understand where you're going with it and the point you are getting across, but you instantly set a low first impression) It is embarrassing to say that I was once a mediocre person who put forth the minimum effort required to succeed, however (no comma) over the last several years (no comma) I have matured and my priorities have improved. Having experienced the world outside of the protective nature of school walls has opened my eyes to the perils of mediocrity. Many people capable of great things settle for less, however I have decided to not be one of them; I now hold myself to a standard on par with my abilities. Physically, I partake in regular exercise and adhere to a healthy diet. Morally, I value integrity, honesty and dependability and my actions echo my beliefs. (Examples of how you value these would be good) Professionally, I continually educate myself, and aim to be the best in my workplace. Through research, I’ve found that these are all traits exemplified by the United States Navy’s core values and wish to be among other Officers with the same high standards. (I know what you're saying, but from this it sounds like enlisted don't have those values. This might not matter, but it came to my mind.)
I have worked hard and am proud of all of my achievements, the greatest of these being my licensing as an EMT-Paramedic, following completion of my degree in xxx from xxx. As the commander(no quotes, downplays your importance) of an ALS ambulance, part of my responsibilities involves supervision of all elements on an EMS call: management of police, fire, EMS and bystanders, in addition to treating potentially dieing patients. This overall scene management is the most challenging, yet the most rewarding aspect of my profession. I enjoy taking control of a time-sensitive situation and overcoming any obstacle encountered. This desire to lead is a primary motivation for seeking a commission in the United States Navy.
One final reason for my desire to serve is my longing to be a part of something great, in which I can take pride. This is one facet missing from my job. Medicine is rewarding, however frequently I find it to be an individual effort. I feel that when I wear my current uniform, I merely represent myself and wish for something more meaningful. It would be an honor to put on a uniform that represents 300 million people, over 225 years of tradition and the freedoms that I, as an American, have been blessed with.
I like yours a lot dude. Especially the closing. My suggestions are merely that, so take what you like and no what you don't. Just don't ever downplay your importance or put yourself down. You may also want to say why you specifically want what you are applying for.
Best of luck to ya.
Ufoz8mycow
Awesome.
McBuff: I'm with nugget... Starting by putting yourself down is a bad place to start. This is your chance to talk yourself up. Focus more on the kickass things you do/are capable of doing. Talking about your EMT leadership stuff is definitely a good thing. Your closing is good too.
I think that if you clean it up a bit with a better opening, youll be on track with a good statement.
I think that if you clean it up a bit with a better opening, youll be on track with a good statement.