phrogpilot73
Well-Known Member
Especially because if you ask - I'd say a shitload of people who entered the service after 9/11 would say it was because of 9/11. You're not that unique in this respect.
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Shouldn't you actually name the University rather than a prestigious graduate school?
"a supervisor". Also, it's not the experience of being promoted that has developed your leadership skills, more accurately, the promotions are a recognition of your leadership ability, and the leadership positions have developed your skills. Work that in however you'd like.
Broken analogy, "education experience" doesn't work. Try "military and civilian experience, and education"
I think using the Navy slogan "life was accelerated" is hokey, but that's just me.
phrogpilot73
Well-Known Member
I'm going to go get some popcorn...
PSW has a BA in English and an MBA, so either way this is gonna be good...
phrogpilot73
Well-Known Member
She also stresses less comma splices. Trust me on that one.
I apologize for changing this up, but I seemed to take out of this today that this really needs to stand out. My original may have been good, but it would just be another number in the pile. I also sensed that I needed to tie a bit more experience and why I want this. (Tough to do all in 400 words). Anyway, some of the items are the same, but I think I have a different outlook here. Would anyone mind critiquing it? I think the rest of my package is competitve, so I am really hoping for a standout statement. Thanks again!
I enlisted in the Navy Reserves in October 2001. Although I had dreamed of becoming an Officer at that time, I knew that I was not yet ready for it. It was difficult to acknowledge that I was not prepared for something I wanted, but I found this to be the exact motivator I needed. There is a reason the selection process is so difficult; the Navy Officer community only selects the very best.
Since I first enlisted, I have aggressively sought challenges to prepare me for a future as a Navy Officer.
As a Seaman, I learned the importance every Sailor has to the Navy’s mission, and that the first component of being a good leader is learning how to be a good follower. As a Second Class Petty Officer, I am now leading the newest generation of Sailors. It was during my volunteer deployment to Iraq that I saw how a leader’s decisions can mean the difference between life and death.
I am a supervisor in my civilian career, where I have been promoted numerous times within the organization. It is this position that has taught the importance of strategic vision.
Formal education has been an integral part of my development. In that regard, I have completed my Bachelor degree, and am also nearing completion of my Master of Business Administration degree. Not only am I proud of my 3.4 GPA, but I am also going to complete the program two semesters early. I have also completed over fifty Navy Knowledge online courses.
I understand the importance of volunteerism in the community. This year alone, I have participated in five different charity events. I am the Founder and Co-Captain of the fifty-member Alcoa Cycling Team, and we have raised over $150,000 the last six years by participating in the MS150 charity bicycle ride.
For the last seven years, I have been preparing for my opportunity to lead the world’s finest Sailors. The future is now. I believe that the combination of my military and civilian experience, education, and contributions to the community make me an ideal candidate to join your prestigious ranks as an Officer in the United States Navy. I have set the standard high for myself and ask for the opportunity to prove that I have the honor, courage, and commitment to accomplish even more if I were given the privilege to serve as an Officer.
I enlisted in the Navy Reserves in October 2001. Although I had dreamed of becoming an Officer at that time, I knew that I was not yet ready for it. It was difficult to acknowledge that I was not prepared for something I wanted, but I found this to be the exact motivator I needed. There is a reason the selection process is so difficult; the Navy Officer community only selects the very best.
Since I first enlisted, I have aggressively sought challenges to prepare me for a future as a Navy Officer.
As a Seaman, I learned the importance every Sailor has to the Navy’s mission, and that the first component of being a good leader is learning how to be a good follower. As a Second Class Petty Officer, I am now leading the newest generation of Sailors. It was during my volunteer deployment to Iraq that I saw how a leader’s decisions can mean the difference between life and death.
I am a supervisor in my civilian career, where I have been promoted numerous times within the organization. It is this position that has taught the importance of strategic vision.
Formal education has been an integral part of my development. In that regard, I have completed my Bachelor degree, and am also nearing completion of my Master of Business Administration degree. Not only am I proud of my 3.4 GPA, but I am also going to complete the program two semesters early. I have also completed over fifty Navy Knowledge online courses.
I understand the importance of volunteerism in the community. This year alone, I have participated in five different charity events. I am the Founder and Co-Captain of the fifty-member Alcoa Cycling Team, and we have raised over $150,000 the last six years by participating in the MS150 charity bicycle ride.
For the last seven years, I have been preparing for my opportunity to lead the world’s finest Sailors. The future is now. I believe that the combination of my military and civilian experience, education, and contributions to the community make me an ideal candidate to join your prestigious ranks as an Officer in the United States Navy. I have set the standard high for myself and ask for the opportunity to prove that I have the honor, courage, and commitment to accomplish even more if I were given the privilege to serve as an Officer.
Harrier Dude
Living the dream
If only we had a thread that covered this kind of stuff.......
DesertRayne
New Member
Can you help proofread my motivational statement?
Hello everyone!
I'm applying for the NUPOC program; attached is my motivational statement. It's 448 words (or 449 if you count words with a hyphen between them separately) and over the 400 word limit. I'd really appreciate any input and help in proofreading, shortening, or even rearranging it (if necessary). I think my writing skills may have waned during my engineering studies, and I'm not sure which parts could take a cut. I know my biggest weaknesses are that I have no real sports or leadership experiences to mention but I've tried smoothing that out with other things. Hopefully my enthusiasm shows in the theme.
Thank you very much for your help!
Ronalynn
The type of dedication to give one’s best for any mission and the attention to detail on how everything is run draws me towards a military career. I currently seek a commission in the United States Navy out of a strong sense of duty, a desire to inspire and lead others, and to learn new things while working in challenging environments.
Growing up at the Air Force Flight Test Center, I was very fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the amazing things developed and tested on a daily basis. My father served more than twenty years as an Air Force engineer and retired to work as a civilian engineer at that Air Force Base. I have always been fascinated by airplanes and admired what my father did. I hoped to one day contribute and be a part of the engineering force behind such machines and technology.
My experiences from working for different organizations at that base give me the flexibility to adapt to constantly changing environments, and I am always eager to try something new. Taking about twenty unit course loads per semester from being enrolled in engineering and honors colleges only emphasize my dedication in pursuing my educational goals in a timely manner. I am currently on track in taking all courses required for the third (junior) year of study for Mechanical Engineering.
I have been involved in numerous extracurricular activities, teams, and clubs (most notably during high school) and was privileged to work alongside or under motivated individuals with effective leadership skills. I want to inspire and lead others to reach their potential, just like how my science teacher’s encouragement led me to win school and county level science fairs and advance to state level, or how my math coach’s guidance led my team to always place first or second in competitions.
Like most engineers, I like working hands-on projects. Many of my friends are active duty, and my brother is headed towards becoming an Air Force officer. It is not enough for me to cheer on the sidelines and hope for the best. I need to be a part of the action and the team, leading and supporting other Sailors and Marines. I want to share the camaraderie of being part of the same unit and experience the travel only the Navy can offer.
I feel the Navy presents a wonderful opportunity to apply the concepts I have learned to real life situations and can provide me with expert leadership training. I understand the field of Nuclear Propulsion is very challenging but it tugs at my pioneering spirit, and I feel I can meet the challenge and be a great asset to the Navy.
Hello everyone!
I'm applying for the NUPOC program; attached is my motivational statement. It's 448 words (or 449 if you count words with a hyphen between them separately) and over the 400 word limit. I'd really appreciate any input and help in proofreading, shortening, or even rearranging it (if necessary). I think my writing skills may have waned during my engineering studies, and I'm not sure which parts could take a cut. I know my biggest weaknesses are that I have no real sports or leadership experiences to mention but I've tried smoothing that out with other things. Hopefully my enthusiasm shows in the theme.
Thank you very much for your help!
Ronalynn
The type of dedication to give one’s best for any mission and the attention to detail on how everything is run draws me towards a military career. I currently seek a commission in the United States Navy out of a strong sense of duty, a desire to inspire and lead others, and to learn new things while working in challenging environments.
Growing up at the Air Force Flight Test Center, I was very fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the amazing things developed and tested on a daily basis. My father served more than twenty years as an Air Force engineer and retired to work as a civilian engineer at that Air Force Base. I have always been fascinated by airplanes and admired what my father did. I hoped to one day contribute and be a part of the engineering force behind such machines and technology.
My experiences from working for different organizations at that base give me the flexibility to adapt to constantly changing environments, and I am always eager to try something new. Taking about twenty unit course loads per semester from being enrolled in engineering and honors colleges only emphasize my dedication in pursuing my educational goals in a timely manner. I am currently on track in taking all courses required for the third (junior) year of study for Mechanical Engineering.
I have been involved in numerous extracurricular activities, teams, and clubs (most notably during high school) and was privileged to work alongside or under motivated individuals with effective leadership skills. I want to inspire and lead others to reach their potential, just like how my science teacher’s encouragement led me to win school and county level science fairs and advance to state level, or how my math coach’s guidance led my team to always place first or second in competitions.
Like most engineers, I like working hands-on projects. Many of my friends are active duty, and my brother is headed towards becoming an Air Force officer. It is not enough for me to cheer on the sidelines and hope for the best. I need to be a part of the action and the team, leading and supporting other Sailors and Marines. I want to share the camaraderie of being part of the same unit and experience the travel only the Navy can offer.
I feel the Navy presents a wonderful opportunity to apply the concepts I have learned to real life situations and can provide me with expert leadership training. I understand the field of Nuclear Propulsion is very challenging but it tugs at my pioneering spirit, and I feel I can meet the challenge and be a great asset to the Navy.
DesertRayne
New Member
I did not realize I could only edit posts once. Here is an edited version of my motivational statement, any input is appreciated. Thanks.
The dedication to excel in any mission and attention to detail draws me towards a military career. I seek a commission in the U.S. Navy out of a strong sense of duty, a desire to inspire and lead others, and to learn new and innovative things while working in challenging environments.
Growing up at the Air Force Flight Test Center, I was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the amazing marvels developed and tested on a daily basis. My father served more than twenty years as an Air Force engineer and retired to work as a civilian engineer at a local Air Force Base. I have always been fascinated by airplanes and admired my father’s career. I hoped to one day contribute and be a part of the engineering force behind the machinery and technology supporting our nation.
My experiences from working for different organizations at Edwards Air Force Base provided me the flexibility to adapt to constantly changing environments, and ignited my adventurous spirit. Twenty unit course loads each semester in Engineering and Honors courses emphasize my dedication in pursuing my educational goals in a timely manner. I am currently on track for all required courses for my junior year of study in Mechanical Engineering.
I have been involved in numerous extracurricular activities, teams, and clubs and was privileged to work alongside motivated individuals with effective leadership skills. I want to inspire and lead others to reach their potential, like my high school science teacher who encouraged me to participate and win in school, county and state level science fairs.
I have many friends in the military, and my brother is preparing to become an Air Force officer through AFROTC. It is not enough for me to cheer on the sidelines and hope for the best. I want to be part of the action and the team, leading and supporting other Sailors and Marines. I want to share the camaraderie of being part of the same unit and experience the travel opportunities only the Navy can offer.
The U.S. Navy presents a wonderful opportunity to apply the concepts I have learned to real life situations and can provide me with expert leadership training. I understand the field of Nuclear Propulsion is very challenging but it pulls at my pioneering spirit, and I feel I can meet the challenge and be a great asset to the Navy.
The dedication to excel in any mission and attention to detail draws me towards a military career. I seek a commission in the U.S. Navy out of a strong sense of duty, a desire to inspire and lead others, and to learn new and innovative things while working in challenging environments.
Growing up at the Air Force Flight Test Center, I was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the amazing marvels developed and tested on a daily basis. My father served more than twenty years as an Air Force engineer and retired to work as a civilian engineer at a local Air Force Base. I have always been fascinated by airplanes and admired my father’s career. I hoped to one day contribute and be a part of the engineering force behind the machinery and technology supporting our nation.
My experiences from working for different organizations at Edwards Air Force Base provided me the flexibility to adapt to constantly changing environments, and ignited my adventurous spirit. Twenty unit course loads each semester in Engineering and Honors courses emphasize my dedication in pursuing my educational goals in a timely manner. I am currently on track for all required courses for my junior year of study in Mechanical Engineering.
I have been involved in numerous extracurricular activities, teams, and clubs and was privileged to work alongside motivated individuals with effective leadership skills. I want to inspire and lead others to reach their potential, like my high school science teacher who encouraged me to participate and win in school, county and state level science fairs.
I have many friends in the military, and my brother is preparing to become an Air Force officer through AFROTC. It is not enough for me to cheer on the sidelines and hope for the best. I want to be part of the action and the team, leading and supporting other Sailors and Marines. I want to share the camaraderie of being part of the same unit and experience the travel opportunities only the Navy can offer.
The U.S. Navy presents a wonderful opportunity to apply the concepts I have learned to real life situations and can provide me with expert leadership training. I understand the field of Nuclear Propulsion is very challenging but it pulls at my pioneering spirit, and I feel I can meet the challenge and be a great asset to the Navy.
grant_davis
New Member
Is the statement a place where you say why you want to be an officer while throwing in some reasons why the board should pick you or just a place to write why you want to be an officer? I see a lot of essays that are follow the I want to be an officer because of... I have had great leadership experience... My father is in the Navy... I have over come challenges. What I am asking is, do they want to here about overcoming hardships and leadership experience or do they want to know why I want to be an officer?
BullGator
Active Member
(1) Why you want to be an officer; (2) What experience you bring to the table; (3) What you can do for the Navy; (4) What the Navy can do for you...-Give or take: it should be personal, honest, and very formal. The leadership experiece falls under (2), father/family falls under (1) or (4), and overcoming challenges falls under (1-3; probably 2).
Isn't your personal statement complete Grant (e.g. I thought you applied already)?
grant_davis
New Member
Haha yea I WAS done and THOUGHT I applied... But one of the gentlemen that sits on the board was kind enough to look at my essay and tore it to pieces... So.. I am frantically trying to write a new one so I can send it to my OR and have my app in by Monday. Kind of cutting it close but I would rather have a better application for November than get denied and have to wait until January..
