• Please take a moment and update your account profile. If you have an updated account profile with basic information on why you are on Air Warriors it will help other people respond to your posts. How do you update your profile you ask?

    Go here:

    Edit Account Details and Profile

Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I came to the United States of America in 1999 when I was 15 years old with my Mother, my Father and my 2 younger brothers. Since that day my family’s life changed for the better, we were given an opportunity to succeed. We came to a country that gave us an opportunity to live free, to be able to work, an opportunity for my brothers and I to go to school, but most of all it gave my family a future. for all this I will be forever thankful, because thanks to this opportunities my parents are in a good position financially, my younger brother is going to go to college with a soccer scholarship, my other brother just got accepted into Med school at USF for the fall, and as for me, I was able to go to aviation school and I’m currently a Junior in college. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Being a Pastor for the Church Of God Ministry Of Jesus Christ International and dealing with problems from a congregation of more than 200 people has taught me a lot of leadership skills. It has taught me to deal with different kinds of people, personalities, character, and tempers. I have learned that to be a good leader I have to be an example, humble, respectful, and dedicated to those who I’m going to lead in order for them to trust and have faith in you as a leader and allow you to lead them.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Moving to a country where I didn’t even know the language, having experience financial difficulties in the early years of my adulthood are situations that are extremely stressful, but this situations taught me that in the worst times, in times of stress I have been able to succeed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My ultimate and long term goal is to be a Naval Aviator and having gone through a civilian flight training program and acquiring my commercial certificate with instructors from both the USAF and USCG gives me the certainty of succeeding through the rigorous flight program the USN offers. I will be honor to pay back this country that I love so much, all that it has done for me and my family. This is why I’m requesting to be accepted into the BDCP program so I can become an exceptional Unites States Navy Officer and serve this country with honor, dignity, courage, and leadership.[/FONT]
 
I wouldn't post this publicly.... PM'ing it to someone is one thing, but moto statements are very personal.... Not only does it open you up to people copying it and using it (doubtful, but possible), but it includes a lot of identifying info.

Nothing wrong with it per se, but you are hanging em out there (IMO)...
 
Good point, Godspeed.

I've seen several other MS's floating around here and people seem to give decent feedback and critique, which is why I encouraged matta to do the same.
That being said, your privacy and identity can only be protected by you, so use common sense if you intend to remain anonymous.

Matta, there are some grammatical errors I can help you correct, but if this is just a rough draft you may catch them yourself. Let me know if you'd like corrections. In terms of content, I am not in a position to give guidance, but please read the other motivational statement threads on this site.

Yours is an inspiring story and a testament to the vitality of the American dream, even in these changing times. It is also a great reminder of (one of) the noble cause of the American military: to protect individuals' freedoms and opportunities to work hard at what they choose and prosper for it.

I wish you good luck!
 
Hey all. I'm new to Air Warriors aand I am about to finish up my application for Navy OCS. I would appreciate it if someone would look over my motivational statement. As with everyone else, please be blunt. Thanks to all who help me out.

Here we go:

It would be very tempting for me to say I seek a commission simply because “That’s what I’ve always wanted to do.” While true, I would need to explain why I have always wanted to serve in the United States Navy. In all honesty, I am figuring it out as I go along, but that desire is there, has always been there, and hopefully will continue to be there.

Service is an incredibly important value to me. Being a first-generation ethnic minority, myself and my family have benefited greatly from what the United States offers to all people. I feel greatly indebted to this country for all I have and there is no more direct reparation of that debt than to serve in the United States Navy, a force that even in peacetime, is always out in front, ready to go where the president orders them to go. This is a characteristic unique to the Navy/Marine Corps and it would be an absolute privilege to be a part of that.

Service is not just national, it is on the community level as well. Since 2006, I have been a volunteer firefighter/EMT for two different jurisdictions. I do not do this simply because it is “cool.” There is danger involved and I must admit I tend to forget how much of a risk I take each time I step into an ambulance or fire engine. But when all is said and done, I cannot imagine not being that man who is there to take a sick old woman to the hospital or care for a poor, downtrodden man, rescued from a burning building. There are others doing what I do, but I must be a part of it. Fulfillment for me is being the man who sacrifices comfort and predictability to make something better of this society.

I view a commission in the Navy the same way. I have grown and matured in so many ways over the past few years. I have gone from utter despair and the brink of failure to recovery and achieving all my goals with heart and a can-do attitude. It amazes me what a little faith and a good attitude can bring someone. That is what I will offer to the United States Navy as an officer and I hope I will earn an opportunity to step up once again and be that man.
 
Wow... did my post just bring this thread to a halt or something? There was a post every single day in this thread and all of a sudden, its dead.
 
RocktheBloc said:
Hey all. I'm new to Air Warriors aand I am about to finish up my application for Navy OCS. I would appreciate it if someone would look over my motivational statement. As with everyone else, please be blunt. Thanks to all who help me out.

Here we go:

It would be very tempting for me to say I seek a commission simply because “That’s what I’ve always wanted to do.” While true, I would need to explain why I have always wanted to serve in the United States Navy. In all honesty, I am figuring it out as I go along, but that desire is there, has always been there, and hopefully will continue to be there.

Service is an incredibly important value to me. Being a first-generation ethnic minority, myself and my family have benefited greatly from what the United States offers to all people. I feel greatly indebted to this country for all I have and there is no more direct reparation of that debt than to serve in the United States Navy, a force that even in peacetime, is always out in front, ready to go where the president orders them to go. This is a characteristic unique to the Navy/Marine Corps and it would be an absolute privilege to be a part of that.

Service is not just national, it is on the community level as well. Since 2006, I have been a volunteer firefighter/EMT for two different jurisdictions. I do not do this simply because it is “cool.” There is danger involved and I must admit I tend to forget how much of a risk I take each time I step into an ambulance or fire engine. But when all is said and done, I cannot imagine not being that man who is there to take a sick old woman to the hospital or care for a poor, downtrodden man, rescued from a burning building. There are others doing what I do, but I must be a part of it. Fulfillment for me is being the man who sacrifices comfort and predictability to make something better of this society.

I view a commission in the Navy the same way. I have grown and matured in so many ways over the past few years. I have gone from utter despair and the brink of failure to recovery and achieving all my goals with heart and a can-do attitude. It amazes me what a little faith and a good attitude can bring someone. That is what I will offer to the United States Navy as an officer and I hope I will earn an opportunity to step up once again and be that man.
Click to expand...

In my opinion this statement doesn't really have a focus. The opening is really wordy, and the whole statement is kind of informal. Your not telling your life story to your buddy at the bar. Ex. I don't do it because it is "cool"/ It amazes me what a little bit of faith/But when it's all said and done. You use a lot of commas, which makes some of your points hard to understand. I think you should clearly state what kind of leadership skills you possess/how you've "grown and matured"/how you plan to use all that to lead in the fleet. You definitely have enough good material, just focus it and make it more formal.
 
The informal nature is actually quite deliberate. I feel more authentic when I write ifnromally. When it is formal, especially when writing a motivational statement, it sounds far too contrived and uptight. I don't know if that's what the Navy actually expects, but that's what it is to me.
 
jus2mch said:
In my opinion this statement doesn't really have a focus. The opening is really wordy, and the whole statement is kind of informal. Your not telling your life story to your buddy at the bar. Ex. I don't do it because it is "cool"/ It amazes me what a little bit of faith/But when it's all said and done. You use a lot of commas, which makes some of your points hard to understand. I think you should clearly state what kind of leadership skills you possess/how you've "grown and matured"/how you plan to use all that to lead in the fleet. You definitely have enough good material, just focus it and make it more formal.
Click to expand...

I agree… it is wordy, especially that first paragraph. Keep in mind, the board members read hundreds of statements; therefore, you must get straight to the point, none of these philosophical phrases to express your intent. Short to the point sentences. My opening started off something like this:

I seek a commission to become a naval officer mindful that I must seek this responsibility for reasons greater then my self-interests. Having witnessed the challenges and difficulties naval officers face, I stand ready to assume those same responsibilities of sacrifice.

Leave out the fluff…
 
Motivational Statement Round 2

So, I wasn't selected for SWO in the Feb board...looking for ways to improve my package for next time. I think I have some strong areas:
3.4 GPA
Double Major: Biology and Education
OAR: 52 (not sure whether I should retake, I'm going to talk with my OR)
I realized after looking over some of the statements on this thread that my first motivational statement was somewhat lacking. So please let me know what you think of my second attempt. Please be frank, I need all the advice I can get on this. Thanks in advance and the word count is 399:) *
I can think of no higher calling than serving as a naval officer for the United States of America. In so doing, I honor and protect family and friends. I also honor the memory of those who fought and died for the opportunities from which I have benefited.

Throughout my life I have sought to improve, both in social and academic aspects. That goal makes the concept of an officer and a gentleman particularly appealing. An officer must be intelligent as well as cultured, I believe myself to possess both qualities. Much is expected from officers, the navy has a history of success and developing successful leaders. I look for opportunities to challenge myself, set high expectations and earn respect. The uniform of an officer serves as a symbol for all those who desire to achieve perfection yet never quite reach it.

The mark of any great officer is that of a professional with strong morals, leadership ability and most importantly; motivation to excel. I believe myself a strongly motivated individual. I took challenging courses and graduated in the Top 25 of my high school class. I developed time management and study skills to graduate with honors from college, doing so while completing a double science major. In my efforts to become a better individual, I lead and later coached academic teams. Those opportunities taught me how to work alongside and compete against individuals of the highest caliber.

I have several years of experience as a scout and community volunteer. I learned a different understanding of how to work alongside and lead men dealing with their own issues. In college, I was a chairman within student government. While I would rather lead people who believe and support me, I developed a more dominant personality to voice opinions and lead in the face of sometimes fierce opposition. As a teacher, I expanded on that personality in helping to shape young men and women during their toughest years.

[FONT=&quot]I have always believed in this country and would value having a part in its future development. Great respect is shown to the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]United States[/FONT][FONT=&quot], because of its leaders. Many of those leaders have honed their skills and molded their passions while in service to their country. Through a commission in the Navy, I will be able to contribute my knowledge while learning new skills with the men and women I serve.[/FONT]
 
I appreciate everyone's suggestions, first off.

I want to bring up a problem I have with a lot of the suggestions offered here, however. The application clearly says "state why you are seeking a commission." it doesn't get more obvious than that, but just to be clear, its essentially asking why I want to become a naval officer. A lot of suggestions that I read, although sound, seem more tailored to convincing the Navy of what you can offer. Its no doubt important, but that seems secondary to any authentic desire to become a Navy officer. Thus, it seems more important to demonstrate that you actually want to be in the Navy, as that is more in line with what the question is actually saying.

Anyone agree, disagree?
 
RocktheBloc said:
I appreciate everyone's suggestions, first off.

I want to bring up a problem I have with a lot of the suggestions offered here, however. The application clearly says "state why you are seeking a commission." it doesn't get more obvious than that, but just to be clear, its essentially asking why I want to become a naval officer. A lot of suggestions that I read, although sound, seem more tailored to convincing the Navy of what you can offer. Its no doubt important, but that seems secondary to any authentic desire to become a Navy officer. Thus, it seems more important to demonstrate that you actually want to be in the Navy, as that is more in line with what the question is actually saying.

Anyone agree, disagree?
Click to expand...


The people critiquing yours are actual Naval Officers. Naval Officers are the ones reading your motivational statement to make a selection. I would take their advice.

Your motivational statement should consist of what the Navy can do for you, what you can offer the Navy, any examples of quality leadership you've possessed to reinforce what you can offer the Navy.

In short, basically sell yourself and state why you want to serve.

If it was literally "Why you want to be a Naval Officer", many people want to serve for the same reasons, so the selection board(s) would get a lot of the same stuff all the time. Stand out and be original.

Many people have used this forum to help with their motivational statement and a lot have gotten accepted. Reading your replies you seem rather resistant to change, maybe because of how important it is. You need to be open minded, we are not as good at whatever we do (in your case, writing) as we think we are. A non-biased pair of eyes looking over what you think is a "masterpiece", is always a good thing.
 
Its not a "resistance to change," its merely being provocative. I prefer to have as many questions answered as possible before adopting a change. Its important to understand why a certain change has to be made, or why my statement won't fly. Otherwise, I'm essentially doing something without knowing why I'm doing it. Clearly, the original question posed by the application had more to it than meets the eye, so I think a bit of provocation isn't such a bad idea.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top