Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[getmeinaf18]

I didn't have time to go through all of the posts in this thread, but I will share my 100-word statement I was going to use to apply for Marine Corps PLC. They didn't want to submit my package so I guess I don't need it anymore. Here it is:

When I have met any Marine, throughout my life, the distinct character they emanate has always impressed me. Marines bear a level of pride, for who they are and what they belong to, which I envy. I have yearned for that feeling, and now it is time for me to attain it. Not only do I want to be a part of the most effective fighting force on the planet, I also want to help lead it. In addition, becoming a United States Marine Corps Officer will be the best way for me to fully utilize my potential for achievement.

 

[MadRebel]

Second go at it. Appreciate any help.

Through growing up Christian values have always been pressed upon me and it is something I hold dear to my heart. I feel that over my lifetime the things I have been taught and learned have helped prepare me for this challenge, such as, honor, humbleness, ethics and loyalty. Both of my grandfathers served in the military in some aspect and have always placed high regard on being a man of integrity and I hope to fulfill that through becoming a Naval Officer. I know there will be a daily challenge and I look forward to meeting it headstrong where I will be pushed beyond my abilities to succeed. I also look forward to instilling high moral fiber into the character of others.

During my college years I had a rough start where things didn’t bounce my way but I was challenged, learned from my mistakes and started down a new path. I then became apart of a fraternal organization. This allowed me to use leadership skills I had learned over my lifetime to help mold young men into representatives of something of value. Serving on the Judicial Committee, I helped steer young men from a path of disarray to being a well rounded peer by helping them keep their priorities in order. These priorities were God, Family, School/Work and hobbies in that order. My last year at the University of Mississippi I worked at a local restaurant where I quickly rose the ranks from cook to expediter where I was in charge of running the entire kitchen. Obtaining this position you had to be clean cut and well versed in how every job was run within the restaurant. This job also placed a huge emphasis on being a "team player" so that everything ran smoothly and on time.

Over my past year within State government I have been moved around within each department to get acclimated to how everything is run. This took quick adapting skills on my part and had a more "learn as you go" approach that I feel has also helped prepare me for the Navy.

I could settle for less than an ordinary life but I feel like I was made for something better, something special. I believe I have the mentorship capability, maturity, and motivational requirements to be an outstanding United States Naval Officer.

 

[swerdna]

Through growing up Christian values have always been pressed upon me and it is something I hold dear to my heart. I feel that over my lifetime the things I have been taught and learned have helped prepare me for this challenge, such as, honor, humbleness, ethics and loyalty. Both of my grandfathers served in the military in some aspect and have always placed high regard on being a man of integrity and I hope to fulfill that through becoming a Naval Officer. I know there will be a daily challenge and I look forward to meeting it headstrong where I will be pushed beyond my abilities to succeed. I also look forward to instilling high moral fiber into the character of others.

During my college years I had a rough start where things didn’t bounce my way but I was challenged, learned from my mistakes and started down a new path. I then became apart of a fraternal organization. This allowed me to use leadership skills I had learned over my lifetime to help mold young men into representatives of something of value. Serving on the Judicial Committee, I helped steer young men from a path of disarray to being a well rounded peer by helping them keep their priorities in order. These priorities were God, Family, School/Work and hobbies in that order. My last year at the University of Mississippi I worked at a local restaurant where I quickly rose the ranks from cook to expediter where I was in charge of running the entire kitchen. Obtaining this position you had to be clean cut and well versed in how every job was run within the restaurant. This job also placed a huge emphasis on being a "team player" so that everything ran smoothly and on time.

Over my past year within State government I have been moved around within each department to get acclimated to how everything is run. This took quick adapting skills on my part and had a more "learn as you go" approach that I feel has also helped prepare me for the Navy.

I could settle for less than an ordinary life but I feel like I was made for something better, something special. I believe I have the mentorship capability, maturity, and motivational requirements to be an outstanding United States Naval Officer.

I like this one better. Some of your sentences are a bit long (run-ons), but the focus seems more tailored to what you can do for the Navy. Ultimately, I believe that is what the boards will be looking for. You seem well-rounded and adaptable to different situations, which is good. Maybe just show how those skills can apply to the Navy.

One thing I would leave out is the priorities section. The Navy will end up being your first priority.

 

[MadRebel]

Thanks Andrews

I truly am appreciative of your help. After reading and re-reading, you're exactly right on both points. I've submitted everything but my application because I want it to be perfect. My recruiter said he would help me because he knows exactly what the board will be looking for, but I want other opinions also. Thanks again.

 

[rickthebrowning]

This might sound like a stupid question, but considering I don't actually know the answer it's not stupid to me:

Is there a minimum and a maximum to your motivational statement? I've noticed that most of the ones posted are 4-5 paragraphs long.

 

[MadRebel]

400 words

 

[A10DCC]

Alright guys, wondering if someone could look over mine and give some constructive criticism. Wondering if I should put in more about why I want to be an officer and less about me…It’s not the best statement in the world but I have spent a few hours thinking on what the heck to write…Thanks


Being born and raised in a small town I have had values such as discipline, pride, and integrity instilled into my daily life. My father, a Vietnam veteran, stressed attention to detail and taught me many valuable lessons throughout my youth. At age 9, I started my first job working at a horse stable; as a senior in High School I utilized my leadership skills to manage a small farm and was in control of over $250,000 in equipment and more than 500 acres of land.

After completing high school I enlisted in the United States Air Force as an F-16 Crew Chief. My hard work was quickly noticed by both pilots and my superior officers. I earned numerous monthly and quarterly awards and was eventually awarded two incentive flights in the F-16. After being promoted to E-4 I was appointed to Dedicated Crew Chief, a position normally held by E-5’s and above. My commitment to excellence has also continued while serving in the Michigan Air National Guard. I completed an aircraft acceptance inspection, personally finding over 20 safety-of-flight issues and managed to deliver the aircraft to the squadron ahead of schedule.

Looking through my application one may notice that I have received a minor in possession of alcohol. Though this is an extremely negative aspect to my application I have turned this into a positive experience. I have been involved with the Airmen Against Drunk Driving program and have also volunteered in the check six program—offering a free taxi service for military members that have had too much alcohol to safely drive. I have enjoyed my enlistment with the Air Force but am ready to move my career to the next level.

I strongly believe that I have the determination, leadership skills and integrity needed to become an officer in the United States Navy. I have a positive attitude towards life and am always anxious and willing to learn new skills. The Navy will aslo offer me a chance to grow as a leader and will allow me to fulfill my life long dream of being a comissioned officer. As an officer I will continue to strive for excellence and will make every effort to exemplify honor, courage and commitment. I would be honored to join the ranks and look forward to earning the privilege of calling myself a Naval Officer

 

[nugget61]

Hey, I'm just going to throw in my thoughts/comments in red.

A10DCC:

Being born and raised in a small town I have had values such as discipline, pride, and integrity instilled into my daily life. [What does your birthplace have to do with values?] My father, a Vietnam veteran, stressed attention to detail and taught me many valuable lessons throughout my youth. [Undeveloped thought... give examples here] At the age of nine, I started my first job working at a horse stable and worked my way up until as a senior in High School I utilized my leadership skills to manage a small farm and was in control of over $250,000 in equipment and more than 500 acres of land.

After completing high school I enlisted in the United States Air Force as an F-16 Crew Chief. My hard work was quickly noticed by both pilots and my superior officers as I earned numerous monthly and quarterly awards [can you list them? kinda vague] and was eventually awarded two incentive flights in the F-16. After being promoted to E-4 I was appointed to Dedicated Crew Chief, a position normally held by E-5’s and above. My commitment to excellence has [delete also] continued while serving in the Michigan Air National Guard, where among other things I completed an aircraft acceptance inspection. While despite finding over 20 safety-of-flight issues, I exceeded expectations and managed to deliver the aircraft to the squadron ahead of schedule.
​

While reviewing my application, I would like to call the board's attention to the fact that I received a [misdemeanor? if so, put that word here. If not, conviction or appropriate word] of being a minor in possession of alcohol. While this was the foolish action of an adolescent,I have since matured and turned this into a positive learning experience. I have been an active member in the Airmen Against Drunk Driving program and have also volunteered in the check six program—in my off-duty time offering a free taxi service for military members that have had too much alcohol to safely drive.

While I have enjoyed my enlistment in the Air Force, I am ready to take my career to the next level. I strongly believe that I have the determination, leadership skills and integrity needed to become an officer in the United States Navy. With a positive attitude and a desire to learn, I believe that the Navy will [delete also] offer me a chance to grow as a leader and [delete will allow me] to fulfill my life long dream of being a commissioned officer.

As a Naval officer, I will continue to strive for excellence and will make every effort to exemplify honor, courage and commitment to my men, service and country. I would be honored to join the ranks and look forward to earning the privilege of calling myself a United States Naval Officer.

/A10DCC

Just tried to clean it up some, sorry if it looks like I really ripped it. Hope it helps some.

 

[JSF_Dreamer]

Hey guys... got about 2/3 of my motivational statement done. Don't want to try and finish it until I hear some suggestions from you guys. Be blunt. If something needs to be in there and isn't, tell me. If something shouldn't be in there, tell me. Appreciate the input.

There are few occupations in this world that envoke as strong a sense of pride, honor, comittment and dignity, that the United States Navy does. Both my grandfather and father have served in the Navy, and I fully intend to continue that lineage in my own career. My grandfather was enlisted and my father is an LDO. I shall be the first in my family to graduate from college and also become an officer from the start of my Naval career. I have dreamed of being a Naval Officer since my dad took me on a Tiger Cruise aboard the USS Saratoga when I was 8 years old. In addition to that, I was married over 2 years ago and had a son one year later. I find no greater purpose than to be able to serve my country honorably and to provide for my family as a man and an officer should. Throughout my life I have been careful not to get into any sort of trouble that might prevent me from fulfilling this dream and am now so very close to its realiztion. As a Naval Officer I will uphold all of the Navy's traditions and lead those serving under me by example and with respect.
I can offer the Navy an undying respect and desire to serve. In addition to that, I possess both natural and acquired leadership qualities. Those abilities that I have acquired come from leading others in the workplace, in school, and in sports. A leader isn’t someone who can simply tell others what to do, but is someone who understands the strengths and weaknesses of those under him and, more importantly, understands his own strengths and weaknesses, and desires improve.

 

[eyes2theskies]

Hey guys... got about 2/3 of my motivational statement done. Don't want to try and finish it until I hear some suggestions from you guys. Be blunt. If something needs to be in there and isn't, tell me. If something shouldn't be in there, tell me. Appreciate the input.

There are few occupations in this world that envoke as strong a sense of pride, honor, comittment and dignity, that the United States Navy does. Both my grandfather and father have served in the Navy, and I fully intend to continue that lineage in my own career. My grandfather was enlisted and my father is an LDO. I shall be the first in my family to graduate from college and also become an officer from the start of my Naval career. I have dreamed of being a Naval Officer since my dad took me on a Tiger Cruise aboard the USS Saratoga when I was 8 years old. In addition to that, I was married over 2 years ago and had a son one year later. I find no greater purpose than to be able to serve my country honorably and to provide for my family as a man and an officer should. Throughout my life I have been careful not to get into any sort of trouble that might prevent me from fulfilling this dream and am now so very close to its realiztion. As a Naval Officer I will uphold all of the Navy's traditions and lead those serving under me by example and with respect.
I can offer the Navy an undying respect and desire to serve. In addition to that, I possess both natural and acquired leadership qualities. Those abilities that I have acquired come from leading others in the workplace, in school, and in sports. A leader isn’t someone who can simply tell others what to do, but is someone who understands the strengths and weaknesses of those under him and, more importantly, understands his own strengths and weaknesses, and desires improve.

Proofread it a couple times. There are a few simple spelling and grammatical errors you would probably catch yourself after taking a break and coming back to it. Off the bat, I see "envoke" and "comittment" misspelled (how do you spell misspelled?). Also a few unnecessary commas (I don't know how picky we should be here about this stuff).

Anyone know if we should be capitalizing "officer" when not used in conjunction with "Naval"?


Some general pointers on MS's that I've received:

Grammar IS very important.

Don't be "I"-ing and "me"-ing and "my"-ing all over the place; there is no "I" in team, right?

It is a STRICT 400 words or less.

I'll post more pointers when I get more.

 

[JSF_Dreamer]

I'm not too worried about the grammar. I'll have all that fixed 100%. This is just something I wrote up in between classes. More interested in the substance of it. But thank you for your input.


edit: as far as the commas, I think most of them belong. In the last part I might want to re look at my use of interrupters, though. And as it stands its only about 270 words.

 

[JSF_Dreamer]

Anyone have a substance critique? Appreciate any help you guys can offer.

 

[jus2mch]

Hey guys... got about 2/3 of my motivational statement done. Don't want to try and finish it until I hear some suggestions from you guys. Be blunt. If something needs to be in there and isn't, tell me. If something shouldn't be in there, tell me. Appreciate the input.

There are few occupations in this world that envoke as strong a sense of pride, honor, comittment and dignity, that the United States Navy does. Both my grandfather and father have served in the Navy, and I fully intend to continue that lineage in my own career. My grandfather was enlisted and my father is an LDO. I shall be the first in my family to graduate from college and also become an officer from the start of my Naval career. I have dreamed of being a Naval Officer since my dad took me on a Tiger Cruise aboard the USS Saratoga when I was 8 years old. In addition to that, I was married over 2 years ago and had a son one year later. I find no greater purpose than to be able to serve my country honorably and to provide for my family as a man and an officer should. Throughout my life I have been careful not to get into any sort of trouble that might prevent me from fulfilling this dream and am now so very close to its realiztion. As a Naval Officer I will uphold all of the Navy's traditions and lead those serving under me by example and with respect.
I can offer the Navy an undying respect and desire to serve. In addition to that, I possess both natural and acquired leadership qualities. Those abilities that I have acquired come from leading others in the workplace, in school, and in sports. A leader isn’t someone who can simply tell others what to do, but is someone who understands the strengths and weaknesses of those under him and, more importantly, understands his own strengths and weaknesses, and desires improve.

Kind of a wordy intro.
I would try to tie the second two sentences together and make them one.
You went from 8 years old on a Tiger Cruise to having a son. Seems a little out of place. Don't use in addition to that so much.
"I can offer...", really how?
What natural and acquired leadership qualities?
Specifically acquired how?
Looooong last sentence.
Overall good substance, but back up your statements with specific facts and accomplishments from your personal life.

 

[JSF_Dreamer]

Kind of a wordy intro.
I would try to tie the second two sentences together and make them one.
You went from 8 years old on a Tiger Cruise to having a son. Seems a little out of place. Don't use in addition to that so much.
"I can offer...", really how?
What natural and acquired leadership qualities?
Specifically acquired how?
Looooong last sentence.
Overall good substance, but back up your statements with specific facts and accomplishments from your personal life.

Awesome. Thank you for the advice. It is most appreciated.

 

[eyes2theskies]

I cannot suggest strongly enough that you guys take your statements, give it to somebody who has never read it before, and have them read it out loud to somebody else who has never heard it. Akward phrasings, run-on sentences, wrong words, etc. will stand out like a sore thumb that way.

GREAT advice!!! Be prepared to laugh at yourself!


Another Question:
What is an appropriate way to refer to everyone in the Navy (not just a specific group)?

"fellow servicemen and women"?
"Naval personell"?

Have knowledge? Please drop it.