Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[OUSOONER]

I posted earlier a motivational statement that I sent with my OCS kit without even reading it. Upon further review, that was not the edited one by a long shot.

This is the actual one I sent in with my kit. (Format is a little off)


[FONT=&quot] Being Iranian-American, I witnessed first-hand what this country can do for someone. My father came to the United States to get a college education, start a business, and raise a family. I would like to give back to this country that gave so much to my family by fulfilling, what I feel, is my obligation to serve. I would like to satisfy my obligation by leading men and women in the United States Navy. My long interest in naval aviation and my comfort in leadership positions have made me realize that the Navy is a natural career choice.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] The Navy seems a natural fit for me because I am drawn to the Navy’s unique ,“whole person concept”. I agree that a good leader should have a well-rounded background. I also get a sense that the Navy is very team oriented and being heavily involved in athletics, this really appeals to me. I must confess, I was not a 4.0 student by any means. I know what it is like to experience failure; however, I displayed the intelligence and character to overcome it. Due to poor academic performance, I disenrolled from school and learned some valuable lessons. The most valuable, is that nothing is given to you. Through hard work, you will be rewarded. Three years later, I have maintained two steady jobs simultaneously, as well as a successful internship with the Integrated Defense Systems program at Boeing. During this three year period, I have excelled in a full academic course load. My degree counselor revealed to me that it was the biggest rebound she had witnessed in a student. In each of my last six semesters, I have produced 3.0 and above grades. I believe these last three years are a better representation of my academic abilities. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] I have been a competitor and a teammate almost my entire life. This attitude is what has allowed me to improve my academic performance. I will use this competitive spirit and team oriented attitude to help guide me through the adversity that I will inevitably face as an officer. I am eager to be given the chance to pursue the ‘wings of gold’, but more importantly, a chance to become a distinguished commissioned officer in the United States Navy. [/FONT]

 

[Buckmark]

Gentlemen,
I just graduated from college last spring and I am in the process of applying for commission as an officer. The 400 word limit on the motivational statement has definitely hampered my creative writing abilities. I'd really appreciate any insight some of you may have to offer.

Below is my motivational statement:

I have always had a profound respect for the United States, our flag, and the few that have defended the liberties that make this country exceptional. It has been my sincere privilege to know many veterans and an even greater honor to have been influenced by a select few. I’ve learned the values of respect and courage from a “Frozen Chosin” grandfather and the value of honor from a grandfather who served as a Navy Seabee. My aspiration to become an Officer in the Navy originates from my pride in my country, a commitment to freedoms it provides, and the appreciation I have for the character traits instilled in me by both of my grandfathers at a young age.
I believe that respect is one of the most important traits a man and an officer can exhibit. Respect means that you value each person and/or their ideas as a resource. By acknowledging each person as a resource you give yourself an opportunity to grow as a leader and an individual. Through respect I have learned to place a high value on everyone that surrounds me.
Courage comes in many forms but it’s an innate quality. Officers are required to make decisions that can have terminal consequences, and it takes fortitude and courage to make a decision of that magnitude. I do not profess to know what it’s like to make that kind of decision on this day but I do know what it’s like to lead men while serving them. I know that whether I was serving as a Captain of the Varsity soccer team taking the penalty kicks in stadiums packed with hundreds of people, or serving as a student representative with unpopular opinions at Faculty Senate meetings, I have demonstrated my ability to perform in difficult situations.
As a civilian I have come to realize that each of my actions represents my family and I. As an officer, all of my actions will be direct reflections upon myself, my family, and my country. To me, honor is representing something or someone in a positive capacity. It would be a sincere privilege and the highest honor to represent my country as a Naval Officer.

 

[plumadore11]

Any Help is Appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

After watching the birth of my daughter, I have realized a higher calling for my life, which I believe is capable of being satisfied through commissioning in the US Navy. Thoughts of being an Officer creates feelings of pride, responsibility and honor within me and the realization of these feeling would be ever more fulfilling and satisfying. I can not think of a better way to provide myself and my family with a foundation of stability than through the US Navy. I would not only learn about myself, who I am and what I am made of, but also be provided leadership skills and qualities that will be unmatched transitioning back into the civilian lifestyle.

My experience in athletics provides me with ample exposure to uniformity and leadership. I have learned to lead, but also how to follow and serve and am willing to do both. Athletics has brought me together with people of all races, ethnic backgrounds and lives, which parallels into the US Navy. Coaches have tested me physically and mentally and each time I have endured and come out of the experiences stronger, with more poise and a commitment to my fellow teammates and the common goals of our team. All of these things directly transition into my service in the US Navy, where my superiors will expect the same endurance and commitments.

The Navy can give my family stability and can give me leadership skills, but I also will contribute to the Navy. I am someone who embellishes the core values honor, courage and commitment. I have always admired and thought of a sailor, or solider as someone of high esteem giving them the proper praise and honor they deserve. Courage is something I learned through life’s experiences. I lost my father at sixteen, had my own child at twenty and have continued to persevere and excel not only in athletics and school, but in life. Through being a member of teams, clubs and having my own family commitment is something I am used to and embrace. I understand the importance of everyone working in unison for the greater good, outside of oneself.

Giving back to a country that has been providing for me and all without request is something I look forward to doing. The adventurous lifestyle, combined with uniformity, discipline and courage give me reason to believe in my abilities and my country.

 

[amvlasic]

Every family has a member that has served in the military, but the true honor is not realized until you take the Oath for your country. It is my vehement goal to serve my country with honor and dignity, as many members of my family have done.
Contrary to the members of my family who were not given an option as to serving our country, I elect to serve my country within the United States Coast Guard.
The motivation for seeking a commission is derived by my interest in challenging myself and proving my leadership abilities exceed outside of my university settings. The military was always on the back of my mind throughout my schooling but I realized pursuing higher education would lay a foundation for the educated choices I would make in the future. Now that I have laid the foundation I want to begin
to build my career as an officer with the Coast Guard.

My training and education as Business Management major at FGCU, coupled with my service to the Student Government, Sport Management Association and Big Brother Big Sister (all while concurrently maintaining a full time job), is an asset to the Coast Guard community. Leading in Student Government while being on the Programming Board for three years, and emulating the effective and influential leadership in the Sport Management Association and Big Brother Big sister, I have attained from these experiences the qualities I can evoke on future leadership roles. The qualities I gained while juggling multiple activities are not limited to, but highlighted with flexible leadership, empathy, time management, and social skills through planning events, interacting with the community, and assuming roles vital to the success of the organization.

I am committed to uphold the core values of Honor, Respect and Devotion to Duty through excelling with any task assigned, and overcoming any obstacle presented to myself in becoming a Coast Guard Officer while serving to protect the public, the environment and the United States economic and security interests in any maritime region.

Is it too general?

Thoughts...Thanks

 

[bert]

The motivation for seeking a commission is derived by my interest in challenging myself and proving my leadership abilities exceed outside of my university settings.

"The" to "My", "by" to "from", "exceed" to whatever it was you meant to say, "my university settings" to "my university's settings" or "a university setting" depending on which meaning you are going for.

That sentence is just one example of how Spellcheck is not always your friend. While it might make it through your word processor without any squiggly underlining, if you were to read it out loud to your friends you would realize it didn't make a ton of sense (not picking on the OP here, just saw it as a good example to make a point).

I cannot suggest strongly enough that you guys take your statements, give it to somebody who has never read it before, and have them read it out loud to somebody else who has never heard it. Akward phrasings, run-on sentences, wrong words, etc. will stand out like a sore thumb that way.

 

[amvlasic]

"The" to "My", "by" to "from", "exceed" to whatever it was you meant to say, "my university settings" to "my university's settings" or "a university setting" depending on which meaning you are going for.

That sentence is just one example of how Spellcheck is not always your friend. While it might make it through your word processor without any squiggly underlining, if you were to read it out loud to your friends you would realize it didn't make a ton of sense (not picking on the OP here, just saw it as a good example to make a point).

I cannot suggest strongly enough that you guys take your statements, give it to somebody who has never read it before, and have them read it out loud to somebody else who has never heard it. Akward phrasings, run-on sentences, wrong words, etc. will stand out like a sore thumb that way.

Comments taken and rewrote. I have not had it proofread and plan on having it read by several people. I came on here with regards to my writing style as well...any thoughts?

 

[MadRebel]

New to the Forum any help would be appreciated!

Through growing up Christian values have always been pressed upon me and it is something I hold dear to my heart. I've always known that God had a path laid out for me and I believe through him that becoming a Naval Officer is my calling. I feel that over my lifetime the things I have been taught and learned have helped prepare me for this challenge, such as, honor, integrity, ethics and loyalty. Both of my grandfathers served in the military in some aspect and have always placed high regard on being a man of integrity and I hope to fulfill that through becoming a Naval Officer. I know there will be a daily challenge and I look forward to meeting it headstrong where I will be pushed beyond my abilities to succeed. I also look forward to instilling high moral fiber into the character of others.

During my college years I was apart of an interfraternal organization. This allowed me to use leadership skills I had learned over my lifetime to help mold young men into representatives of something of value. Serving on the Judicial Committee, I helped steer young men from a path of disarray to being a well rounded student and peer by helping them keep their priorities in order. These priorities were God, Family, School/Work and hobbies in that order. I also played many intramural sports while at school that have kept me in great physical condition. My last year at the University of Mississippi I worked at a local restaurant where I quickly rose the ranks from cook to expediter where I was in charge of running the entire kitchen. Obtaining this position you had to be clean cut and well versed in how every job was run within the restaurant. This job also placed a huge emphasis on being a "team player" so that everything ran smoothly and on time.

Over my past year within State government I have been moved around within each department to get acclimated to how everything is run. This took quick adapting skills on my part and had a more "learn as you go" approach that I feel has also helped prepare me for the Navy.

I believe I have the mentorship capability, maturity, and motivational requirements to be a United States Naval Officer.

 

[jus2mch]

Every family has a member that has served in the military, but the true honor is not realized until you take the Oath for your country. It is my vehement goal to serve my country with honor and dignity, as many members of my family have done.
Contrary to the members of my family who were not given an option as to serving our country, I elect to serve my country within the United States Coast Guard.
The motivation for seeking a commission is derived by my interest in challenging myself and proving my leadership abilities exceed outside of my university settings. The military was always on the back of my mind throughout my schooling but I realized pursuing higher education would lay a foundation for the educated choices I would make in the future. Now that I have laid the foundation I want to begin
to build my career as an officer with the Coast Guard.

My training and education as Business Management major at FGCU, coupled with my service to the Student Government, Sport Management Association and Big Brother Big Sister (all while concurrently maintaining a full time job), is an asset to the Coast Guard community. Leading in Student Government while being on the Programming Board for three years, and emulating the effective and influential leadership in the Sport Management Association and Big Brother Big sister, I have attained from these experiences the qualities I can evoke on future leadership roles. The qualities I gained while juggling multiple activities are not limited to, but highlighted with flexible leadership, empathy, time management, and social skills through planning events, interacting with the community, and assuming roles vital to the success of the organization.

I am committed to uphold the core values of Honor, Respect and Devotion to Duty through excelling with any task assigned, and overcoming any obstacle presented to myself in becoming a Coast Guard Officer while serving to protect the public, the environment and the United States economic and security interests in any maritime region.

Is it too general?

Thoughts...Thanks

Might re-word the opening sentence. It sounds like you have already taken the oath. There are families that have no one who served in the military. Vehement? Really, would you ever say that? Maybe a different word choice, or maybe not. Military on the back of my mind is kind of informal. Maybe, I always had thoughts about joining the military...
Almost seems like this,"The qualities I gained while juggling multiple activities are not limited to" should be the introduction to the next paragraph not the closer. That paragraph could also be summed up a little tighter instead of re stating the jobs more than once.
This sentence is choppy (Again, would sound better if the end was at the beginning): Leading in Student Government while being on the Programming Board for three years, and emulating the effective and influential leadership in the Sport Management Association and Big Brother Big sister, I have attained from these experiences the qualities I can evoke on future leadership roles.

 

[jus2mch]

Any thoughts are appreciated.

When I initially joined the Navy out of high school, I had no idea the kind of transformational experience serving my country would be. Through the great mentorship of the leaders around me, I was able to accomplish more than I could have ever imagined. I’ve had the opportunity to travel the world and experience many new cultures. I’ve succeeded professionally by completing challenging qualifications and leadership roles. I even had a chance to complete my Associates degree on active duty. All of my accomplishments were made possible by the supportive, yet challenging, environment created by my leadership teams.

Wanting to take my naval career to the next level I applied for a commission. My goal as a Naval Officer would be to ensure the opportunities to succeed are available to all the sailors in my charge. My personal experiences are an example that if given the chance, any motivated sailor can succeed. And when its sailors succeed, the Navy will too.

Unfortunately I was unable to accomplish my commission goals while on active duty. However, rather than look at the situation as a failure, I chose to take it as an opportunity to prove I could succeed and continue my growth.

Building on my growing interest in international relations, I made an effort to learn how countries interact with each other. My major in International Studies allowed me to study the Chinese language, continue my foreign travels, and truly understand the motivations of people from foreign countries. This understanding is increasingly important with the growing international conflicts that the United States, and our allies, face today.

These ongoing conflicts the United States faces compel me to renew my commitment to serve the American people. As an Intelligence Officer, my focus will be to deliver the information our warfighters need to ensure the continued safety of our citizens. I’m confident, with the excellent training the Navy provides, I will be more than capable of completing this mission. Allow me this opportunity to serve and I will continue to perform at the highest levels. Thank you for your consideration.

Sounds good. Just double check punctuation. Ex. Unfortunately, etc..

 

[jus2mch]

Would someone be willing to proofread this/ give me some pointers? I've read most of the threads, but think it would be beneficial for someone to tear apart a statement that is actually my own. Its 398 words.



Even from a young age, I have dreamed of serving my country. The United States of America has given me the gift of freedom and the opportunity to lead a prosperous and successful life. But growing up, i was told to "go to college, the military isn't for you." I ignorantly abided, with the intention of paying back my country by aspiring to work at Northrop Grumman Marine Systems as manufacturing engineer. It was not until I received an email about the NUPOC program that my life goal had suddenly shifted. I realized that college graduates DO have a place in the service of America. I am thankful that God has given me a great analytical mind and hope to use it as a tool in the defense of the greatest nation on Earth.

As a Nuclear Propulsion Officer, I would be able to donate my strengths and assets in the most efficient manner possible. My leadership skills are demonstrated by the appointment given to me as the Westec Manufacturing competition team captain by the Society of Manufacturing Engineers at Cal Poly. My fellow club mates have acknowledged that I have the skill set necessary to oversee the project(s), assign tasks, make important decisions, and be directly accountable for any issues that may arise. Although this responsibility is minuscule in comparison to that of a Naval Officer, it shows that I am committed to grow as a leader. Leadership skills are worthless, however, with out an exemplary work ethic(Sounds out of place). My academics, personal projects, and work history alone are proof of my ability to work hard when necessary. I have always stood by the saying that success is exactly proportional to effort, and am proud to say that because of this I have never failed an exam, given up on a personal project, or been fired from a job. If given a commission in the US Navy, I will continue to live by this moral with the same positive attitude.

The Navy will do more for me than I could ever imagine. Men and women who have the distinction of serving in uniform all wear the core values of honor, courage, and commitment on their sleeve in the form of the American Flag. If given the opportunity, I will one day be able to live by the same values with pride as a United States Naval Officer.

Sounds good. I personally wouldn't capitalize normal words like "do" in order to emphasize a point. Check capitalization/tense/filler words. Ex. has given = gave. Able to donate? Maybe a different word choice. Sounds like you are going to the blood bank.

 

[jus2mch]

Gentlemen,
I just graduated from college last spring and I am in the process of applying for commission as an officer. The 400 word limit on the motivational statement has definitely hampered my creative writing abilities. I'd really appreciate any insight some of you may have to offer.

Below is my motivational statement:

I have always had a profound respect for the United States, our flag, and the few that have defended the liberties that make this country exceptional. It has been my sincere privilege to know many veterans and an even greater honor to have been influenced by a select few. I’ve learned the values of respect and courage from a “Frozen Chosin” grandfather and the value of honor from a grandfather who served as a Navy Seabee. My aspiration to become an Officer in the Navy originates from my pride in my country, a commitment to freedoms it provides, and the appreciation I have for the character traits instilled in me by both of my grandfathers at a young age.
I believe that respect is one of the most important traits a man and an officer can exhibit. Respect means that you value each person and/or their ideas as a resource. By acknowledging each person as a resource you give yourself an opportunity to grow as a leader and an individual. Through respect I have learned to place a high value on everyone that surrounds me.
Courage comes in many forms but it’s an innate quality. Officers are required to make decisions that can have terminal consequences, and it takes fortitude and courage to make a decision of that magnitude. I do not profess to know what it’s like to make that kind of decision on this day but I do know what it’s like to lead men while serving them. I know that whether I was serving as a Captain of the Varsity soccer team taking the penalty kicks in stadiums packed with hundreds of people, or serving as a student representative with unpopular opinions at Faculty Senate meetings, I have demonstrated my ability to perform in difficult situations.
As a civilian I have come to realize that each of my actions represents my family and I. As an officer, all of my actions will be direct reflections upon myself, my family, and my country. To me, honor is representing something or someone in a positive capacity. It would be a sincere privilege and the highest honor to represent my country as a Naval Officer.

Sounds good. Any community/designator preference and why? Also how will those things you speak of help you excel/lead in that community?

 

[jus2mch]

Through growing up Christian values have always been pressed upon me and it is something I hold dear to my heart. I've always known that God had a path laid out for me and I believe through him that becoming a Naval Officer is my calling. I feel that over my lifetime the things I have been taught and learned have helped prepare me for this challenge, such as, honor, integrity, ethics and loyalty. Both of my grandfathers served in the military in some aspect and have always placed high regard on being a man of integrity and I hope to fulfill that through becoming a Naval Officer. I know there will be a daily challenge and I look forward to meeting it headstrong where I will be pushed beyond my abilities to succeed. I also look forward to instilling high moral fiber into the character of others.

During my college years I was apart of an interfraternal organization. This allowed me to use leadership skills I had learned over my lifetime to help mold young men into representatives of something of value. Serving on the Judicial Committee, I helped steer young men from a path of disarray to being a well rounded student and peer by helping them keep their priorities in order. These priorities were God, Family, School/Work and hobbies in that order. I also played many intramural sports while at school that have kept me in great physical condition. My last year at the University of Mississippi I worked at a local restaurant where I quickly rose the ranks from cook to expediter where I was in charge of running the entire kitchen. Obtaining this position you had to be clean cut and well versed in how every job was run within the restaurant. This job also placed a huge emphasis on being a "team player" so that everything ran smoothly and on time.

Over my past year within State government I have been moved around within each department to get acclimated to how everything is run. This took quick adapting skills on my part and had a more "learn as you go" approach that I feel has also helped prepare me for the Navy.

I believe I have the mentorship capability, maturity, and motivational requirements to be a United States Naval Officer.

Sounds good. See post #310.

 

[jus2mch]

Thanks in advance!

After watching the birth of my daughter, I have realized a higher calling for my life, which I believe is capable of being satisfied through commissioning in the US Navy. Thoughts of being an Officer creates feelings of pride, responsibility and honor within me and the realization of these feeling would be ever more fulfilling and satisfying. I can not think of a better way to provide myself and my family with a foundation of stability than through the US Navy. I would not only learn about myself, who I am and what I am made of, but also be provided leadership skills and qualities that will be unmatched transitioning back into the civilian lifestyle.

My experience in athletics provides me with ample exposure to uniformity and leadership. I have learned to lead, but also how to follow and serve and am willing to do both. Athletics has brought me together with people of all races, ethnic backgrounds and lives, which parallels into the US Navy. Coaches have tested me physically and mentally and each time I have endured and come out of the experiences stronger, with more poise and a commitment to my fellow teammates and the common goals of our team. All of these things directly transition into my service in the US Navy, where my superiors will expect the same endurance and commitments.

The Navy can give my family stability and can give me leadership skills, but I also will contribute to the Navy. I am someone who embellishes the core values honor, courage and commitment. I have always admired and thought of a sailor, or solider as someone of high esteem giving them the proper praise and honor they deserve. Courage is something I learned through life’s experiences. I lost my father at sixteen, had my own child at twenty and have continued to persevere and excel not only in athletics and school, but in life. Through being a member of teams, clubs and having my own family commitment is something I am used to and embrace. I understand the importance of everyone working in unison for the greater good, outside of oneself.

Giving back to a country that has been providing for me and all without request is something I look forward to doing. The adventurous lifestyle, combined with uniformity, discipline and courage give me reason to believe in my abilities and my country.

Sounds good. See post #310.

 

[swerdna]

I was just selected for NFO/SWO. This is my motivational statement that was on the application...

I left home to take my ASVAB and secure a position for myself in the Navy on 11SEP1998, clueless as to what that date would mean to our nation three years later, clueless as to what the Navy would mean to me. I was barely a week into my senior year of high school, unsure of what the future was going to bring, but somehow knowing that the choice I was making was the right one.

I quickly adhered to the Navy, and succeeded at every endeavor, from superb service and dedication, to unparalleled knowledge of the Aegis Combat Systems Suite, and even a selection for the STA-21 commissioning program. Unfortunately, my lax attitude while in high school held me back. Because my high school grades were poor, I was not accepted to a college. I was defeated by my past, but promised myself that it would never happen again. Sadly, I had to turn the program down, and saw my future commission vanish. However, I now proudly say that my record has instead become a beacon of victory. I am succeeding at the University of Washington, taking courses and time seriously and diligently. I am dedicated to success.

Nothing has come close to denting my need to return to my brothers and sisters in the military, to serving our nation, a cause greater than self. After leaving the Navy, I joined the Army National Guard. The time spent in the Guard affirmed my need for the camaraderie and dedication of military service. As a result, I am very excited to return to service, and am willing, able, and ready to give the Navy all that it requires. There is a calling higher than all others, and that is service in our military. One of my personal heroes, John McCain, wrote in his memoir, Faith of My Fathers, “there are greater pursuits than self-seeking. Glory is not a conceit. It is not a prize for being the most clever, the strongest, or the boldest. Glory belongs to the act of being constant to something greater than yourself, to a cause, to your principles, to the people on whom you rely, and who rely on you in return. No misfortune, no injury, no humiliation can destroy it.”

The United States has nothing but the best to offer the world, and I have nothing but my best to offer the United States.

 

[swerdna]

Through growing up Christian values have always been pressed upon me and it is something I hold dear to my heart. I've always known that God had a path laid out for me and I believe through him that becoming a Naval Officer is my calling. I feel that over my lifetime the things I have been taught and learned have helped prepare me for this challenge, such as, honor, integrity, ethics and loyalty. Both of my grandfathers served in the military in some aspect and have always placed high regard on being a man of integrity and I hope to fulfill that through becoming a Naval Officer. I know there will be a daily challenge and I look forward to meeting it headstrong where I will be pushed beyond my abilities to succeed. I also look forward to instilling high moral fiber into the character of others.

During my college years I was apart of an interfraternal organization. This allowed me to use leadership skills I had learned over my lifetime to help mold young men into representatives of something of value. Serving on the Judicial Committee, I helped steer young men from a path of disarray to being a well rounded student and peer by helping them keep their priorities in order. These priorities were God, Family, School/Work and hobbies in that order. I also played many intramural sports while at school that have kept me in great physical condition. My last year at the University of Mississippi I worked at a local restaurant where I quickly rose the ranks from cook to expediter where I was in charge of running the entire kitchen. Obtaining this position you had to be clean cut and well versed in how every job was run within the restaurant. This job also placed a huge emphasis on being a "team player" so that everything ran smoothly and on time.

Over my past year within State government I have been moved around within each department to get acclimated to how everything is run. This took quick adapting skills on my part and had a more "learn as you go" approach that I feel has also helped prepare me for the Navy.

I believe I have the mentorship capability, maturity, and motivational requirements to be a United States Naval Officer.

You should re-evaluate your usage of God. The military is a very diverse group of people, from all sorts of backgrounds and beliefs. Your focus should be on the Navy and its personnel. If God is your guide, then that is something you might want to keep personal.

Remember that many people are applying for this position, and the Navy is looking for candidates that will benefit the Navy...not the other way around.

Other than that, it is good. maybe focus on how your volunteer actions are going to benefit the Navy and any sailors you might be leading.