Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Georgia Boy]

You have definitely touched on the most important points...your motivation, your qualities, what you offer, what the Navy offers, etc. I just made some changes in punctuation and wording in some places. Check them out and see what you think. So you know, I am a certified teacher of English composition and work full-time as a technical writer...so I have a great deal of experience writing and assessing writing. Let me know if you want/need any more help. ​

​

Revised statement:​

​

Becoming an officer in the Navy is something that I have wanted to do my entire life. I have always had a desire, since an early age, to defend my country. I believe that as an officer, I can exemplify the values of the United States and those of the Navy. Values such as honor, courage, and commitment. I have a great respect for anyone who proudly serves their country, and I would see it as an honor and privilege to join these men and women as an officer. ​

​

Serving in the Navy is also a tradition in my family that would honorably continue with my service. My grandfather was a Lieutenant, and served aboard the USS Ranger as a Naval Aviator flying S-2s. My uncle also served aboard the USS John C. Stennis, and continues to serve in the reserves as a Petty Officer First Class. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to follow in their foot steps and leave some of my own.One of the things that I can offer the Navy is my skill as a leader. In all of the jobs that I have worked, I have excelled to leadership positions and effectively inspired people to work together efficiently under stressful conditions. I love working with people and working toward accomplishing the mission at hand. Because of this, I often form bonds that allow me to act effectively as a leader. I also have a moral code that I can bring to the Navy and instill in those under my command, helping them to one day be great leaders when it is their turn.There are a lot of things that the Navy can do for me. In the Navy, I hope to be a Naval Aviator. I love flying and I would love to join the great Navy pilots, and become the best pilot that I can be. I also hope to become a better leader with the Navy. It is my hope that the Navy allows me to serve as long as I am physically able, for there is no other place I would love to be. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.​

​

~One last suggestion: You may want to reconsider the repetitive use of the word "love". Good fortune.​

 

[tomcatfan]

thanks for the edits. It sounds a lot better. I'll change the love thing too to something else. I'll send you a re-edit when I change it.

 

[abracadabra11]

Adding to the suggestions from Georgia boy:

I love flying and I would love to join the great Navy pilots, and become the best pilot that I can be. It is my hope that the Navy allows me to serve as long as I am physically able, for there is no other place I would love to be

I love flying and I would be honored to join the ranks of great Navy pilots, with the hope of becoming the best pilot that I can.

It is my hope that the Navy allows me to serve as long as I am physically able.

 

[jt71582]

 

[tomcatfan]

re-edit on statement

Becoming an officer in the Navy is something that I have wanted to do my entire life. I have always had a desire, since an early age, to defend my country. I believe that as an officer, I can exemplify the values of the United States and those of the Navy. Values such as honor, courage, and commitment. I have a great respect for anyone who proudly serves their country, and I would see it as an honor and privilege to join these men and women as an officer.
Serving in the Navy is also a tradition in my family that would honorably continue with my service. My grandfather was a Lieutenant, and served aboard the USS Ranger as a Naval Aviator flying S-2s. My uncle also served aboard the USS John C. Stennis, and continues to serve in the reserves as a Petty Officer First Class. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to follow in their foot steps and leave some of my own. One of the things that I can offer the Navy is my skill as a leader. In all of the jobs that I have worked, I have excelled to leadership positions and effectively inspired people to work together efficiently under stressful conditions. I love working with people and working toward accomplishing the mission at hand. Because of this, I often form bonds that allow me to act effectively as a leader. I also have a moral code that I can bring to the Navy and instill in those under my command, helping them to one day be great leaders when it is their turn. There are a lot of things that the Navy can do for me. In the Navy, I hope to be a Naval Aviator. I have a passion for flying, and would cherish the opportunity to become a Navy pilot, and become the best pilot that I can be. I also hope to become a better leader with the Navy. It is my hope that the Navy allows me to serve as long as I am physically able, for there is no other place I would rather be. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

So I wrote my statement and want to know what people think. any input is greatly appreciated

Becoming an officer in the Navy is something I have wanted to do my entire life. I have always had a desire, since an early age, to defend my country. I believe that as an officer I can exemplify the values of the United States and those of the Navy, such as Honor, Courage, and Commitment.

Okay, let's get rid of the useless language. Nix "my entire life" and put "always" in front of wanted. In the next sentence, pick either always had or since and early age, but together they are redundant. The last sentence is a run-on. Try, " I believe I exemplify honor, courage, commitment." We know that they are the Navy's core values.

I have a great respect for anyone who proudly served or serves their country and it would be an honor and a privilege to join these men and women as an officer. Being in the Navy is also a tradition in my family that would honorably continue with myself.

Try, "I have great respect..." The rest is run-on sentence. Try using a semicolon or making it two sentences. Also, the last sentence is week and the next paragraph make it redundant.

"I have great respect for those who serve; it would be an honor to be counted among them. My family has a proud tradition of Naval service; my grandfather was a Naval Aviator and my uncle is a First Class Petty Officer. I wish to continue that tradition.

Some things I can offer the Navy are my leadership skills. In the jobs I have had, I excelled to a leadership position and got people to work together and efficiently, even under stressful conditions. I love working with people and working towards accomplishing the mission at hand. Because of this, bonds have been formed that further allows me to be a leader. I also have a morale code that I can bring to the Navy that hopefully I can instill in those under my command and allow them to one day be great leaders when it is their turn to be.

Yea, the run-ons are killing you here. Let's tighten this up.

"I believe my leadership abilities will benefit the Navy and contribute to my effectiveness as and officer. In my past jobs I have attained leadership positions by getting my people to work together efficiently under stressful situations. Working with people and mission accomplishment are two complimentary strengths of mine that will carry over to the Navy."

Moral is not spelled with and "e". And you already mentioned your moral code with honor, courage, committment.

There are a lot of things the Navy can do for me. In the navy I hope to be a Naval Aviator. I love flying and I would love to join those great pilots to make me the best pilot that I can be. I also hope to become a better leader with the Navy. It is my hope that the Navy lets me serve as long as possible for there is no other place where I would love to be. It would be an Honor and a Privilege, to serve my country, as an Officer, in the United States Navy.

"I hope to be a Naval Aviator; I love flying and want to become the best pilot I can. Even more, it is my desire to serve as the men in my family have before me.

It would be an Honor and a Privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy."

You get a little comma crazy here so I knocked 'em out.

I hope this helps.

R/

Steve

 

[Lonestar155]

As usual I am on the run and cannot edit or make changes. Talk about leadership etc...
Cons: Do not state you want to be a pilot. You are an officer first and a pilot second so you may either want to alter that statement or take out the navy pilot part.

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

As usual I am on the run and cannot edit or make changes. Talk about leadership etc...
Cons: Do not state you want to be a pilot. You are an officer first and a pilot second so you may either want to alter that statement or take out the navy pilot part.

BUM GOUGE ALERT!!!!

Do state that you want to be a pilot!! You are applying to be a pilot and they know it.

It sounds like someone here has gotten caught up with reading about what the Marines want to hear.

R/

Steve

 

[tomcatfan]

another re-write, thank you RockyMtnNFO

Becoming an officer in the Navy is something that I have always wanted to do. I have always had a desire to defend my country. I believe that as an officer, I can exemplify the values of honor, courage, and commitment. I have a great respect for anyone who proudly serves their country, and I would see it as an honor and privilege to join these men and women as an officer. I have great respect for those who serve; it would be an honor to be counted among them. My family has a proud tradition of Naval service; my grandfather was a Naval Aviator and my uncle is a First Class Petty Officer. I wish to continue that tradition.

I believe my leadership abilities will benefit the Navy and contribute to my effectiveness as and officer. In my past jobs I have attained leadership positions by getting my people to work together efficiently under stressful situations. Working with people and mission accomplishment are two complimentary strengths of mine that will carry over to the Navy.

There are a lot of things that the Navy can do for me. In the Navy, I hope to be a Naval Aviator. I have a passion for flying, and would cherish the opportunity to become a Navy pilot, and become the best pilot that I can be. I also hope to become a better leader with the Navy. It is my hope that the Navy allows me to serve as long as I am physically able, for there is no other place I would rather be. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy

 

[navy_or_bust]

I would try to focus more about yourself, the middle paragraph is the shortest which is what you use describes youself. Maybe mention specific jobs. I had trouble with mine too, not sure what they really want but providing specifics about some of the stuff you have done might be helpful. Stuff like "being team captain taught me leadership" and "working as a ____ helped me to learn to cope with stressful situations." Maybe some other people have thoughts on this approach but just putting it out there.

 

[tomcatfan]

thanks everyone for your input. I have it together I like it and hopefully they do too. Now I just have to get three more LORs and the ASTB taken, oh and I get to go to MEPS (I hate MEPS)

 

[dbrauer87]

lol....MEPS was interesting....but I'm still waiting on a waiver for my ACL surgery...crossin my fingers.

 

[tomcatfan]

been through it once, not fun. i was trying not to fall asleep on those uncomfortable couches.

 

[PigzFly]

Gentlemen,

I am preparing to submit my package for OCS selection. I am not the best writer so I was hoping to have someone take a look at my motivational statement. I expect to be picked apart. In fact that is what I am looking for. I understand the three rules to answer, however, I have a tough time trying to explain why I am a good candidate and how I can use the Navy.

I did not want to start a new thread considering there was this one already started. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Zego]

I'm applying for the BDCP to be a SNA. Any constructive criticism welcomed. Thanks guys.

[FONT=&quot]My Great, Great Grandfather, Corporal Frederick O. Lowe, served with distinction in the American Civil War in the 6th New Jersey Volunteer Infantry Regiment. He fought at the Battle of the Wilderness and sacrificed his left arm. My Grandfather, Seaman Harold F. Lowe, served in the United States Navy in World War I. My Father, Michael E. Lowe, served in the Vietnam War and rose to the rank of Colonel in the United States Marine Corps as an Infantry Officer and Naval Aerial Observer. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I wish to continue this proud tradition of service to the United States of America. I was born and raised in the military and am very proud of that fact. My Godfather was Major General John I. Hopkins, USMC who led the 7th Marine Expeditionary Brigade during Operation Desert Storm in 1991. I accompanied my Father on his assignment as Defense Attaché to Jamaica when I was just a month old. I was there when he retired from Marine Corps active duty on July 26, 1996, in front of the Marine Corps War Memorial in Washington, DC.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I understand that I owe this great nation a debt for the freedom that we all enjoy. My travels to countries around the world have made me value this freedom greatly. I spent time in Ecuador fixing orphanages and schools, where I learned to appreciate how fortunate I am being a United States citizen and all the privileges we enjoy. I wish to repay the debt that I owe this country by leading sailors of the United States Navy in the defense of our freedom and way of life.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]My goal for my entire life has been to become a Naval Aviator. Flight has always fascinated me. I have attended aviation camps at Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado Springs, CO, multiple times. This summer I will be working on my Private Pilot's License to further my goal. I spent years in the Boy Scouts of America and other organizations learning about leadership and leading others. My life experiences both at home and abroad have given me tremendous insights that will be extremely useful in becoming a Naval Aviator. I look forward to the privilege of leading sailors of the United States Navy with honor, courage, and commitment as a Naval Aviator. I respectfully request approval of my application to begin the journey to achieve the goals.[/FONT]