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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Thanks, I haven't seen any of the big golf balls at Peterson, I'm pretty sure they have those at Schriever AFB, the bases are kind of close to each other though.
[FONT="]I just made some basic edits. BTW, father, grandfather, et al are not proper nouns and needn't be capitalized.
My great, great grandfather, Corporal Frederick O. Lowe, served with distinction in the American Civil War in the 6th New Jersey Volunteer Infantry Regiment. He fought at the Battle of the Wilderness and sacrificed his left arm. My grandfather, Seaman Harold F. Lowe, served in the United States Navy in World War I. My Father, Michael E. Lowe, served in the Vietnam War and rose to the rank of Colonel in the United States Marine Corps as an Infantry Officer and Naval Aerial Observer. [/FONT]
[FONT="]I wish to continue this proud tradition of service to the United States of America. I was born and raised in the military and am very proud of that fact. My godfather was Major General John I. Hopkins, USMC, who led the 7th Marine Expeditionary Brigade during Operation Desert Storm in 1991. I accompanied my father on his assignment as Defense Attaché to Jamaica when I was just a month old. I was there when he retired from Marine Corps active duty on July 26, 1996, in front of the Marine Corps War Memorial in Washington, DC.[/FONT]
[FONT="]I understand that I owe this great nation a debt for the freedom that we all enjoy. My travels to countries around the world have made me greatly value this freedom. I spent time in Ecuador fixing orphanages and schools, where I learned to appreciate how fortunate I am to be a United States citizen and enjoy all the privileges that come with citizenship. I wish to repay the debt that I owe this country by leading sailors of the United States Navy in the defense of our freedom and way of life.[/FONT]
[FONT="]My goal for my entire life has been to become a Naval Aviator. Flight has always fascinated me. I have attended aviation camps at Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado Springs, CO, multiple times. This summer I will be working on my Private Pilot's License (<---I don't think this should be capitalized.) to further my goal. I spent years in the Boy Scouts of America and other organizations learning about leadership and leading others. My life experiences both at home and abroad have given me tremendous insights that will be extremely useful in becoming a Naval Aviator. (<----This sentence doesn't say anything. What insights and how will they help?) I look forward to the privilege of leading sailors of the United States Navy with honor, courage, and commitment as a Naval Aviator. I respectfully request approval of my application to begin the journey to achieve these goals.[/FONT]
My great, great grandfather, Corporal Frederick O. Lowe, served with distinction in the American Civil War in the 6th New Jersey Volunteer Infantry Regiment. He fought at the Battle of the Wilderness and sacrificed his left arm. My grandfather, Seaman Harold F. Lowe, served in the United States Navy in World War I. My Father, Michael E. Lowe, served in the Vietnam War and rose to the rank of Colonel in the United States Marine Corps as an Infantry Officer and Naval Aerial Observer. [/FONT]
[FONT="]I wish to continue this proud tradition of service to the United States of America. I was born and raised in the military and am very proud of that fact. My godfather was Major General John I. Hopkins, USMC, who led the 7th Marine Expeditionary Brigade during Operation Desert Storm in 1991. I accompanied my father on his assignment as Defense Attaché to Jamaica when I was just a month old. I was there when he retired from Marine Corps active duty on July 26, 1996, in front of the Marine Corps War Memorial in Washington, DC.[/FONT]
[FONT="]I understand that I owe this great nation a debt for the freedom that we all enjoy. My travels to countries around the world have made me greatly value this freedom. I spent time in Ecuador fixing orphanages and schools, where I learned to appreciate how fortunate I am to be a United States citizen and enjoy all the privileges that come with citizenship. I wish to repay the debt that I owe this country by leading sailors of the United States Navy in the defense of our freedom and way of life.[/FONT]
[FONT="]My goal for my entire life has been to become a Naval Aviator. Flight has always fascinated me. I have attended aviation camps at Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado Springs, CO, multiple times. This summer I will be working on my Private Pilot's License (<---I don't think this should be capitalized.) to further my goal. I spent years in the Boy Scouts of America and other organizations learning about leadership and leading others. My life experiences both at home and abroad have given me tremendous insights that will be extremely useful in becoming a Naval Aviator. (<----This sentence doesn't say anything. What insights and how will they help?) I look forward to the privilege of leading sailors of the United States Navy with honor, courage, and commitment as a Naval Aviator. I respectfully request approval of my application to begin the journey to achieve these goals.[/FONT]
Sounds good. You may want to add academic achievements, and how you plan to "lead sailors of the United States Navy".
elitewillie
Registered User
Another Motivational Statement
Sup guys,
I am submitting my package on May 1st and was hoping that you guys/gals could look at my motivational statement and critique it a bit. I wrote it from my heart and don't expect anyone to help me write it. I just need a little outside perspective. Thank you all in advance.
Here it goes:
I joined the U.S. Navy on July 25, 2001 right after my high school graduation, a young kid with no idea of what to do with my life. I look back seven years later and realize that joining the Navy turned out to be one of the most rewarding decisions in my life. Although I went in with the goal of finding a way to fund my college education, I found so much more. I found great mentors, leaders, and a sense of purpose for my life. The values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment that were instilled in me through my four years as an enlisted member of the U.S. Navy have allow me to reach goals I often only dreamed of. Now as a courageous, intelligent, and honorable man I seek to join the ranks of Navy Officers that once inspired me to become more than I could ever imagine. Upon my separation from the U.S. Navy on July 25, 2005 I have worked tirelessly to complete my Bachelors degree so that I could one day become a Naval Officer.
I believe that my leadership experience, dedication to duty, and ability to adapt to any situation will benefit the U.S. Navy and contribute to my success as a Naval Officer. During my tour in Amphibious Construction Battalion Two I received invaluable leadership experience as work center supervisor of three boat crews. The leadership and focus that I acquired while in the Navy has allowed me to attain several academic honors and even a prestigious internship at the Department of State. This internship allowed me to fine tune my leadership and strategic planning abilities in a setting that required great attention to detail and performance under a stressful and time sensitive environment. My superior leadership skills and abilities to work under stressful situations, manage intricate organizational tasks, and work in diverse teams has allowed me to succeed in my past endeavors and will surely carry on to my career as a Naval Officer.
There are a lot of things that the U.S. Navy has done for me and now I feel it is my time to give back. If given the opportunity to become a Naval Officer I hope not only to continue to be a great leader but also to inspire the men and women under my command to accomplish great things for our great country. I believe that I was born to be a Naval Officer and I hope that the opportunity is afforded to me because there is no other life that I could see myself leading. I believe that I have all of the qualities of a Naval Officer and exemplify the Navy Core Values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.
Thanks again,
Will
Sup guys,
I am submitting my package on May 1st and was hoping that you guys/gals could look at my motivational statement and critique it a bit. I wrote it from my heart and don't expect anyone to help me write it. I just need a little outside perspective. Thank you all in advance.
Here it goes:
I joined the U.S. Navy on July 25, 2001 right after my high school graduation, a young kid with no idea of what to do with my life. I look back seven years later and realize that joining the Navy turned out to be one of the most rewarding decisions in my life. Although I went in with the goal of finding a way to fund my college education, I found so much more. I found great mentors, leaders, and a sense of purpose for my life. The values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment that were instilled in me through my four years as an enlisted member of the U.S. Navy have allow me to reach goals I often only dreamed of. Now as a courageous, intelligent, and honorable man I seek to join the ranks of Navy Officers that once inspired me to become more than I could ever imagine. Upon my separation from the U.S. Navy on July 25, 2005 I have worked tirelessly to complete my Bachelors degree so that I could one day become a Naval Officer.
I believe that my leadership experience, dedication to duty, and ability to adapt to any situation will benefit the U.S. Navy and contribute to my success as a Naval Officer. During my tour in Amphibious Construction Battalion Two I received invaluable leadership experience as work center supervisor of three boat crews. The leadership and focus that I acquired while in the Navy has allowed me to attain several academic honors and even a prestigious internship at the Department of State. This internship allowed me to fine tune my leadership and strategic planning abilities in a setting that required great attention to detail and performance under a stressful and time sensitive environment. My superior leadership skills and abilities to work under stressful situations, manage intricate organizational tasks, and work in diverse teams has allowed me to succeed in my past endeavors and will surely carry on to my career as a Naval Officer.
There are a lot of things that the U.S. Navy has done for me and now I feel it is my time to give back. If given the opportunity to become a Naval Officer I hope not only to continue to be a great leader but also to inspire the men and women under my command to accomplish great things for our great country. I believe that I was born to be a Naval Officer and I hope that the opportunity is afforded to me because there is no other life that I could see myself leading. I believe that I have all of the qualities of a Naval Officer and exemplify the Navy Core Values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy.
Thanks again,
Will
nzachman
Yeah, well. The Dude abides.
member of the U.S. Navy have allow me to reach goals I often only dreamed of
allowed
received invaluable leadership experience as work center supervisor of three boat crews
May need to sneek a/an in there, unless work center supervisor is used as a title. I may (probably) am wrong about this, but it just stuck out to me.
Otherwise, grammar and spelling look good but go through it again, possibly send it to an English prof.
Good Luck
allowed
received invaluable leadership experience as work center supervisor of three boat crews
May need to sneek a/an in there, unless work center supervisor is used as a title. I may (probably) am wrong about this, but it just stuck out to me.
Otherwise, grammar and spelling look good but go through it again, possibly send it to an English prof.
Good Luck
elitewillie
Registered User
Thank you
Thank you very much for your replies. I will be taking it today to the writing lab at school. I still need to cut out approximately 70 words from it to get it to be the 400 required words.
Will post once I make changes.
Will
Thank you very much for your replies. I will be taking it today to the writing lab at school. I still need to cut out approximately 70 words from it to get it to be the 400 required words.
Will post once I make changes.
Will
elitewillie
Registered User
What I am applying for...
I am applying for SNA, Intel, and Special Operations (EOD).
Each of the jobs is quite different, therefore I didn't want to write the motivational statement highlighting only one job.
Is this wise or should I focus on one job?
Will
I am applying for SNA, Intel, and Special Operations (EOD).
Each of the jobs is quite different, therefore I didn't want to write the motivational statement highlighting only one job.
Is this wise or should I focus on one job?
Will
Pretty good. But the most important words you've got in there are: "Amphibious Construction Battalion Two", "Work Center Supervisor", "3 boat crews", and "Department of State". You need to cut down the general statements and list more specifics. You've got nuggets in there to give interviewers something to ask you about, but not enough to convey what you did to the selection board which won't be able to interview you.
With a max of 400 words, and your resume, you can't afford to be flowery and talk about "leadership, stress, and time-sensitive environment" in two subsequent sentences. Give me one good example of what you did and let me infer that you're obviously good at leading under pressure.
Lastly, make the direct connection to what it is that you specifically bring to the fight. You're prior, so that separates you out from all the high school kids. You're a Seabee, so that separates you there. You worked at the Dept of State. Now tell me exactly what that does for the Navy and the GWOT and any future challenges we might face.
With a max of 400 words, and your resume, you can't afford to be flowery and talk about "leadership, stress, and time-sensitive environment" in two subsequent sentences. Give me one good example of what you did and let me infer that you're obviously good at leading under pressure.
Lastly, make the direct connection to what it is that you specifically bring to the fight. You're prior, so that separates you out from all the high school kids. You're a Seabee, so that separates you there. You worked at the Dept of State. Now tell me exactly what that does for the Navy and the GWOT and any future challenges we might face.