Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[elitewillie]

Thank you

Scoobs,

Thank you for the critique. That is exactly the type of advice I need. I will make some more changes to it. Actually talk about what I did while working in the different jobs.

Will

 

[jus2mch]

Sounds good. Second what Scoob said about more specifics. You may also want to use less opinionated statements if you don't think it detracts from your point to much. Kind of makes it sound like you weren't courageous, intelligent, or honorable before. "Now as a courageous, intelligent, and honorable man"/"My superior leadership skills"

 

[PRINCEJUDE]

Willie, in addition to what others have said, your motivational statement needs good punctuation. Some of the sentenses were not punctuated correctly. Ensure that you discuss 1) Why you want to be an officer, 2) What makes you stand out 3) Abilities that you possess which will help you to become a carreer Naval Officer. Good job.

 

[elitewillie]

Re-write

Well, I took what I had written to my Analytical Writing professor to critique and she totally demolished it. She did help me cut it down to under 400 words and echoed a lot of the same comments you guys made. I just have to try to keep my focusing on showing why I would make a good officer rather than just writing the qualities I have.

Thanks for all of the great advice and taking the time to look over the statement.

William

 

[Inexorable]

I am in the midst of writing my statement for OCS and I was wondering about a certain tidbit about me. I applied and was accepted to an NROTC program during the second semester of my second year of college as a College Programmer (non-scholarship). However, during the summer after my 3rd class year, I was not selected by the board to continue and was removed. This was very motivating to me, an apparent dirt bag, and I set out to improve my grades and PT. I also became involved in more leadership opportunities.

My main question is if it is wise to tell the board that I tried once and got the boot? I'm probably just being paranoid, but I wonder if it'll DQ me, or have them think it's not worth it to let me back in to try again.

Thanks for reading my rambling.

 

[ea6bflyr]

You did not get the proverbial boot....you were dropped from the program due not getting a scholarship. That's how I would write it IF I included it in my statement.

The real question is: Did you learn anything for the experience and how does it now make you a better candidate?

-ea6bflyr

 

[dblair]

How am I looking?/Motivational Statement Review

So, the time has finally come! I asked what my chances were two years ago and now I am finally doing it! Can I get your opinions on my stats and my motivational statement?

Going for:
SWO

Stats:
Currently a Software Engineer in Boston.
BS - Computer Information Technology ( CS ) ( 3 areas of emphasis )
GPA - 2.6
Worked full-time while in college, played sports, and was in a fraternity!
Rugby - 2.5 yrs ( still play )
Ice Hockey - 7 years while growing up
ASTB ( 2 years ago ) ~ 5/6/5/53 ( i think, long time ago )
CO - NJROTC ( captained most teams; drill, rifle, academic, etc )

Upcoming Dates:
5/6 - MEPS
5/12 - Retake ASTB
5/23 - PRT ~ 78 SU, 60 PU, 12:30 Run ( by then will be a lot better! )

Motivational Statement: ( I had a 472 word statement that sounded awesome, this is a cut down version of that at 398 words

It is my fervent goal to serve with the utmost honor and commitment, as many members of my family have done. My grandfather received a Purple Heart in the Battle of the Bulge, and my father, uncles and cousins, served in the military with distinction. I became the commanding officer of an NJROTC unit during high school and was privileged to visit many naval installations. During my experiences in NJROTC, I chose my goal of becoming an officer in the United States Navy. Throughout college, I volunteered to lead and participated in many NJROTC events to demonstrate my commitment.

While pursuing my college degree in computer and information technology, though my GPA was less than stellar, I concurrently maintained full-time jobs, participated in university level rugby, and was an avid volunteer and student leader. Going above and beyond during college, I greatly exceeded the requirements of my major. Despite my average GPA, I was recognized as a leader and given the position of Academic Chair where I could help others by organizing study groups and tutoring. I was also a Resident Advisor which allowed me to lead over 100 students academically and interpersonally. Those experiences will help me to succeed as a Naval Officer.

Since college, I have worked as a software engineer developing code used by many industries and defense contractors. I can bring my increasing knowledge of computers and my drive to learn more to the ever-changing needs of the United States Navy. I keep up-to-date on the latest computer technologies. I am confident in my ability and motivation to learn any technology that is presented to me and to lead others in their use of the same. The leadership and technological skills I have and those I will learn will help protect the Navy's digital data against the spreading virtual threats by the enemies of the United States, though I emphasize that I am dedicated to serving the Navy in any capacity to which I may be assigned and my skill set is transferable to any mission.

I am committed to achieve any task assigned with excellence, to overcome any obstacle presented me to accomplish my mission of becoming a Naval Officer; and when there, to carry out my assigned duties with distinction and honor as a career officer having some small part in assisting the Navy's mission to protect and serve the United States.

Any comments/suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

 

[SWCS242]

I don't think you would necessarily need to re-take the ASTB if you are going SWO. You obviously need to get your GPA up though. I got accepted SWO BDCP and my stuff looked like this if that helps:
ASTB: 52
GPA: 3.6 (double major: criminal justice and history)
student athlete
honor society
lots of volunteering stuff
I don't remember my PRT stuff, but I think other than your GPA your stuff looks fine. From what I hear you need a 50 in your ASTB to be competitive so I don't know why you would put yourself through that again.
Anyhow, hope that helped a bit, good luck!!

 

[dblair]

Yeah, there really isn't any way to increase my GPA, I am out of school now for nearly a year. I feel that I am going to be able to do a hell of a lot better on the ASTB then previously. Which in turn, I am hoping will offset my GPA for the better.

 

[scoober78]

So, the time has finally come! I asked what my chances were two years ago and now I am finally doing it! Can I get your opinions on my stats and my motivational statement?

Going for:
SWO

Stats:
Currently a Software Engineer in Boston.
BS - Computer Information Technology ( CS ) ( 3 areas of emphasis )
GPA - 2.6
Worked full-time while in college, played sports, and was in a fraternity!
Rugby - 2.5 yrs ( still play )
Ice Hockey - 7 years while growing up
ASTB ( 2 years ago ) ~ 5/6/5/53 ( i think, long time ago )
CO - NJROTC ( captained most teams; drill, rifle, academic, etc )

Upcoming Dates:
5/6 - MEPS
5/12 - Retake ASTB
5/23 - PRT ~ 78 SU, 60 PU, 12:30 Run ( by then will be a lot better! )

Motivational Statement: ( I had a 472 word statement that sounded awesome, this is a cut down version of that at 398 words

It is my fervent goal to serve with the utmost honor and commitment, as many members of my family have done. My grandfather received a Purple Heart in the Battle of the Bulge, and my father, uncles and cousins, served in the military with distinction. I became the commanding officer of an NJROTC unit during high school and was privileged to visit many naval installations. During my experiences in NJROTC, I chose my goal of becoming an officer in the United States Navy. Throughout college, I volunteered to lead and participated in many NJROTC events to demonstrate my commitment.

While pursuing my college degree in computer and information technology, though my GPA was less than stellar, I concurrently maintained full-time jobs, participated in university level rugby, and was an avid volunteer and student leader. Going above and beyond during college, I greatly exceeded the requirements of my major. Despite my average GPA, I was recognized as a leader and given the position of Academic Chair where I could help others by organizing study groups and tutoring. I was also a Resident Advisor which allowed me to lead over 100 students academically and interpersonally. Those experiences will help me to succeed as a Naval Officer.

Since college, I have worked as a software engineer developing code used by many industries and defense contractors. I can bring my increasing knowledge of computers and my drive to learn more to the ever-changing needs of the United States Navy. I keep up-to-date on the latest computer technologies. I am confident in my ability and motivation to learn any technology that is presented to me and to lead others in their use of the same. The leadership and technological skills I have and those I will learn will help protect the Navy's digital data against the spreading virtual threats by the enemies of the United States, though I emphasize that I am dedicated to serving the Navy in any capacity to which I may be assigned and my skill set is transferable to any mission.

I am committed to achieve any task assigned with excellence, to overcome any obstacle presented me to accomplish my mission of becoming a Naval Officer; and when there, to carry out my assigned duties with distinction and honor as a career officer having some small part in assisting the Navy's mission to protect and serve the United States.

Any comments/suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

How do your skills compare to this lady...

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

It is my fervent goal to serve with the utmost honor and commitment, as many members of my family have done.

I would find another way of saying this, it sounds a little over-the-top excited. Maybe just cut those words out.

The leadership and technological skills I have and those I will learn will help protect the Navy's digital data against the spreading virtual threats by the enemies of the United States, though I emphasize that I am dedicated to serving the Navy in any capacity to which I may be assigned and my skill set is transferable to any mission.

This a run-on sentence that could probably be made into 3 or 4.

I am committed to achieve any task assigned with excellence, to overcome any obstacle presented me ,to accomplish my mission of becoming a Naval Officer; and when there, to carry out my assigned duties with distinction and honor as a career officer having some small part in assisting the Navy's mission to protect and serve the United States.

This is another run-on. Also, try "achieving" not achieve. A semicolon connects two phrases that could be their own sentences. The second part of this (run-on) sentence could not be its own sentence. Try to make the last part into two different sentences since you are combining the ideas of duties with distinction and protecting the nation.

Not a bad essay, just some touch-up stuff here.

R/

Steve

 

[dblair]

I forgot to mention:

LORs:
Retired SWO CDR
Retired Marine CPT
Retired SEAL Senior Chief
Two college professors

 

[SWCS242]

Hey ya know what dblair, you have a ton of skills like scoober said, I guess I didn't read your statement that close, sorry. Honestly though, you probably have a good shot even if you didn't retake the ASTB, but if you know you can do better and aren't in any hurry, might as well take it. Take your time and maybe you can end up in my OCS class!! Looks like you are going to have some good LORs too. Good Luck!!

 

[Inexorable]

Hello, this is how my statement stands at the moment. Any criticism or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks much.

Here goes nothing:

My grandfather, Clifford Routley, served aboard the U.S.S. Lexington (CV-16) during the Second World War. What originally interested me specifically in the Navy were the scrapbooks and diaries that he wrote about his experiences aboard his ship; men willing to leave their homes and families to go away to war to serve their country. I believe that I have been blessed to have been born an American. I feel it necessary to continue the legacy of service and sacrifice exemplified by my grandfather and all the men and women like him.

In college, I joined the University of San Diego NROTC unit. Unfortunately, at the end of my 3rd class year, the Navy did not select me for scholarship or advanced standing. The non-selection motivated me to improve my grades and to seek out new leadership opportunities. My desire to serve and lead sailors was not deterred, but reinforced by that experience.

Since that time, I have worked to better myself. I have spent over two years as a resident advisor at UCSD. That position required an enormous amount of responsibility and integrity. I was directly responsible for the well-being of over fifty residents. It required patience, trustworthiness and counseling skills. I was also part of a large team of resident advisors and college staff. I was a leader of that staff of twenty-five people during my last year. Two of my responsibilities included leading the resident advisor selection committee and organizing the annual Warren College Video Game Expo.

For the last six years while I have worked with computers. I have gone from selling them in my first job, to administering servers and databases in my current position. I have held these positions while attending school, NROTC and while serving as a resident advisor. I have the skills and capabilities to judge and utilize my time wisely. I get things done correctly and on time with a minimum of mistakes.

I believe have the skills and qualities necessary to excel in the United States Navy; leadership, integrity, patience and responsibility are engrained in me. I am absolutely committed to performing the duties required of a Naval Officer with persistence, excellence and honor.

 

[Kickflip89]

overall: good essay. Especially the bit about "overcoming adversity," or turning bad news into motivation or however you want to look at it. Also good plug for time management skills.

The only thing I would add is take out the sentence about how you feel it is necessary to continue the legacy and put something concrete you want to get out of the navy, i.e. resume building, travel, working with a purpose, working as a team, camaraderie...etc.

You did a good job covering what the Navy can get out of you, make sure you put what you want out of the Navy.