Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[pilotwannab]

Thanks for the help m26 and Dominoes!! Here is my revised draft:

I enlisted in the Air Force to pursue a dream. I knew that I had to attend college, but I knew that I wasn't ready for that step yet. I needed discipline and monetary funds to succeed. The Air Force gave me both. I learned many things about leadership, camaraderie, service before self, and honor during my six years of service; but my friend Roy taught me a much more important quality found in leaders.

He was a Marine whose unit was hit by an IED which killed everyone but him. Despite having third degree burns covering over 80 percent of his body and having only two fingers on each hand, he did everything himself. The ultimate sacrifices happen in war; and Roy and his companions are proof of this. Leaders must be prepared to sacrifice for the many.

I want to give back to my country what it has given me. Freedom is a wonderful thing and I want to ensure that my future sons and daughters have the same benefit I have. I want to stand up for the beliefs of my country and of myself. I don't want to hide cowering in some basement when foreign or domestic soldiers fight on my soil. I want to do my part in preserving this great country's freedom even if that means laying down my life for America, for the brothers and sisters fighting along side of me, and for the Sailors that I hope to someday lead.

Under the guidance of a Master Sergeant, who would later become my supervisor, he motivated me to go after my goals. He taught me to always do the right thing and learn when to pick my battles. Afterwards, I was asked by my superiors how I felt about getting F-16 engine run qualified and receiving the authority to sign off on unsafe aircraft discrepancies as a Senior Airman. I would be one of only three Airmen in my career field on Luke Air Force Base to be run qualified. The other two were NCOs with much more experience than me. I passed engine run school and received my certifications. My squadron then tasked me with training new troops on aircraft systems knowledge as well as aircraft maintenance.
I believe that my leadership experiences, qualities I have learned from mentors and friends, and my choice of studies will assist me in becoming a leader that will make the Navy and my country proud.


Respectfully,

 

[m26]

I enlisted in the Air Force to pursue a dream. What dream? You need to explain a statement like that.

I needed discipline and money to succeed.

...My friend Roy taught me a much more important quality found in leaders.
I don't think you can "teach" a quality. You can demonstrate one. You can come to recognize one. Etc.

He was a Marine whose unit was hit by an IED that killed everyone but him.

Despite having third degree burns covering over 80 percent of his body and having only two fingers on each hand, he did everything himself.
I don't like this phrase. I know what you are trying to say, but it isn't clear.

The ultimate sacrifices happen in war...
Maybe "great sacrifices are made for country," or "the ultimate sacrifice happens in war."

Leaders must be prepared to sacrifice.
"For others," or "for something greater", etc, if anything.

I want to give back to my country what it has given me.
I think the things the country has given you are unlike anything you could give back. Maybe "for what it has given me"?

Freedom is a wonderful thing and I want to ensure that the next generation has the same benefit I have.
The way you had it implies that you will end up having 2+ sons and 2+ daughters.

I want to stand up for my beliefs and those of my country.
But when they conflict, which ones win? Also, does the country have beliefs?

I don't want to hide cowering in some basement when foreign or domestic soldiers fight on my soil.
Delete this.

Under the guidance of a Master Sergeant, who would later become my supervisor, he motivated me to go after my goals...
Sudden change of direction. If you are going to change directions like that, you need to set it up earlier.

A Master Sergeant, who would later become my supervisor, motivated me to go after my goals. - OR - Under the guidance of a Master Sergeant, who would later become my supervisor, I became motivated to achieve my goals.

I believe that my leadership experience, my studies, and the qualities I have learned from mentors and friends will assist me in becoming a leader who will make the Navy and my country proud.

 

[kitemen]

Hey guys, Can I get an input on my essay. I believe its ok, what do you think?


I have the physical, intellectual, and emotional ability, together with the leadership skills, to become an exceptional U.S. Naval Officer and Aviator.

I have been swimming competitively since the age of 5, finishing an 18-year-long career as a conference champion (on a full athletic scholarship) at Florida Atlantic University. I was ranked as the second fastest “backstroker” in Brazil and narrowly missed qualifying for the National Swim Team.

Competitive swimming has taught me important life-lessons, including how to thrive under the leadership of my coaches and to be a productive member of a cohesive team. A byproduct of the discipline and effort devoted to my sport is numerous personal achievements, as well as the recognition of my teammates’ contributions to my accomplishments. I know both how to work hard to achieve success and how to accept occasional disappointments and defeats.

What do I offer the Navy? Beyond the maturity gained from many years of competitive swimming, I think of my passion for aviation. While the intense training associated with competitive swimming left little time for other pursuits, I was instantly “hooked” when first introduced to flying remote-controlled airplanes and computer flight simulators. In no time, I was building R/C planes; then I became a volunteer R/C plane instructor. After joining the engineering club at my high school, I became a team captain for the robotics team, which allowed me to share my passion with others while applying my knowledge of simple aerospace mechanics. Soon, we were competing at the national level: We earned first place in the state (Florida) and placed third in the nation in various robotic competitions sponsored by NASA.

While I consistently set high standards for myself as I pursue my goals and dreams, I know that my confidence, curiosity, and competitive nature have allowed me to challenge myself in a number of ways and in various arenas: In addition to the honors noted, I have won recognition for website design (at the state and national levels); I have successfully competed at the state and national levels as a member of an ocean rescue lifeguard team; I graduated with a double major in finance and international business; and I am ranked as one of the top 8 kite-surfers in Florida. Finally, to be more competitive for Navy officer selection, I am enrolled at a local flight school where I am currently working on my FAA ground school certifications.

 

[m26]

Hey guys, Can I get an input on my essay. I believe its ok, what do you think?

What essay prompt are you answering?

 

[kitemen]

What essay prompt are you answering?

Motivational Statement in a Narrative prompt.

 

[m26]

Motivational Statement in a Narrative prompt.

What is the exact prompt?

If it's "what motivates you to become a Naval Officer?", you haven't answered it (except to say, 'that you want me because I'm awesome').

You need to at least throw the actual question asked a bone.

 

[kitemen]

What is the exact prompt?

If it's "what motivates you to become a Naval Officer?", you haven't answered it (except to say, 'that you want me because I'm awesome').

You need to at least throw the actual question asked a bone.

Thank you for the comment. I will try to reorganize it !!!

 

[m26]

I hope I didn't sound rude in my comments!

I understand the Navy will work differently than college and law school admissions (which is what I'm doing now in case I have trouble at MEPS or don't get selected). That said, if you write a paper that's good, but completely ignores the question in the assignment, most good professors will give you an F.

For law school, admissions officers keep saying not to summarize your resume in your personal statement - they want to learn about you (personality/motivation-wise) in the essay. I think this can be applied to the application for commission.

If it's elsewhere on the application, don't repeat it in the moto - those 400 words are precious, and shouldn't be wasted on something that can be found elsewhere in the package. Use them to bring out intangible aspects of those activities that aren't clear from the lines dedicated to them on the application sheet (your 3rd paragraph might be an example of this), and/or things you didn't have room for (if you feel you must). Otherwise, focus your essay on the motivation aspect.

 

[kitemen]

I hope I didn't sound rude in my comments!

Not at all !!! I think you are absolutely right. I also believe I just summarized my resume. I will try my best to read the past comments and take better advantage of this 400 words! I will post the outcome next week.

 

[Triumph57]

Here is my motivational statement. Any feedback is appreciated. The prompt was "Utilizing the space provided, in 400 words or less, explain why you are seeking a commission".

[FONT=&quot] I have always aspired to achieve great things in life. I want to be a Naval Officer because I have always admired the military bearing, motivation, and leadership of Naval Officers. I want to contribute to and lead a team of intelligent hard-working Sailors towards goals that will make a difference. I love my country want to do my part to protect it and its ideals. In particular, I have always been interested in aviation, and this is what drove me to study engineering. I enjoyed working as a team utilizing the latest technology and overcoming challenges with ingenuity and creativity. I learned many of these skills while mentoring FIRST Robotics Team 467.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] When I was mentoring a team of approximately fifty high school students towards meeting the very difficult challenges laid out by the FIRST creators, I knew I had found what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Every year, the FIRST creators design a new competition that is kept secret until a set start date. After learning of the goals, which may include stacking boxes, obstacle navigation, object sorting or autonomous operation, teams have only six weeks and strict limits on materials and budgets to build a fully functioning robot which meets all of the goals. The robots will then compete against robots built by other schools. I loved explaining difficult science topics as well as encouraging team work. We would often work late into the night and team members often logged well over 100 hours in the six week span while going to school full time. Despite the long hours and seemingly unachievable goals set forth by the organizers, morale was consistently high. We were so motivated in cheering our team on in competition that we won team spirit awards. While our performance in competition varied from second place to forty seventh depending on the year, we always thought outside the box and had some of the most interesting robots and won awards for originality.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] I realize that leading students towards winning competitions and leading Sailors towards winning wars are worlds apart, but I feel that I am up to the challenge. I feel my passion for aviation, and my patriotism will drive me to rise to the high leadership standards set by those who have gone before me. It would be my greatest honor to serve my country as a Naval Officer.

I also have my waiver statement for previous marijuana use that I would like feedback on. The prompt was "Use this section to elaborate/amplify as needed on any questions answered on this form. Refer to related question by listing item number preceding comment". Question 3b was "Since the age 16 or in the last 7 years, have you illegally used any controlled substance?" to which I answered "yes".

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]3b. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] I transferred from WPI to WIT my sophomore year and wanted to make friends and fit in with my new roommates. I regret to report that this caused me to experiment with marijuana. I only smoked roughly 10 times over a time span of September through December 2006. I did not really enjoy it, but unfortunately I caved In to peer pressure. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] I have since sworn off of marijuana and all other drugs. I am filled with sorrow to think my momentary lapse in judgment may have cost me my greatest dream in life; to become a Naval Officer. I put my honor, my health and my future on the line just to be able to fit in and I would do anything to be able to take it back. I realize that marijuana is illegal for an excellent reason, and that it has ruined peoples’ lives. Marijuana can cause catastrophic lung damage due to heavy inhalation of tar, as well as permanent adverse effects on blood flow to the brain due to THC. I value my intellect and good health highly and would not want to jeopardize them. I have also learned that the sales of illegal drugs often fund violent gangs and even terrorists and I abhor the thought of supporting such activity to my very core. My actions were irresponsible and I have seen the error of my ways. I completely agree with the Navy’s policy on drug use and understand why I will need a waiver if I am to qualify for service. I humble myself before your judgment.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] While I may have made mistakes in the past, I promise you I have changed and am more determined than ever to serve my country. I am confident that if you see fit to grant me this waiver, you will not regret it. I will redeem myself and would make an excellent leader and Naval Officer.
[/FONT]

 

[recnepssirhc]

What do you think so far? Here is my essay that I've been working on for just the past couple hours. It's only a rough draft of course, so please please please criticize if you have any concerns, because I really want to make this thing absolutely perfect. I'm serious, hit me with it.

Prompt: Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer.

I want to become a Naval Officer mainly for two reasons: to improve my well-being, while obtaining even more leadership qualities than I already have now and to serve my country to its fullest.

First, it is to my belief that by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person, both physically and mentally. Serving in the Navy as an Officer will let me gain certain valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be gained anywhere else. Even though a civilian occupation can have its benefits as well, being in the military can only benefit more due to the added discipline and professionalism, while upholding the utmost respect from others. I believe, the rigorous processes a Naval Officer will have to pursue, will advance me even more on the road to success. I realize that becoming a Naval Officer isn’t the easiest task but I’m willing to accept the fact that becoming one will help me to be the best that I can be. Second is my dedication to serve this country of ours. I believe that there is nothing more honorable than serving one's country in the military. Applying teamwork qualities with fellow-minded men and women continues my dedication, to be apart of a force that is there to protect the people, including our families and friends.

I think I would be an outstanding candidate to become a Naval Officer because I believe I have the motivation and drive to uphold the position of being a Naval Officer. I know what it takes to become a Naval Officer and to pursuer the objectives of being one. Hopefully, someday in the future I can think back, remind myself and say, “I did it” and be able call myself a Naval Officer of the United States. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

[m26]

Just for the record, I am a current BDCP applicant, so use your salt appropriately. Also, I am an essay grammar lunatic, so bear that in mind as well.

TRIUMPH

I have always aspired to achieve great things in life. I want to be a Naval Officer because I have always admired the military bearing, motivation, and leadership of Naval Officers. I want to contribute to and lead a team of intelligent, hard-working Sailors toward goals that will make a difference. [Goals don't make a difference, achievements do.] I love my country want to do my part to protect it and its ideals. In particular [How is this a "particular" part of your wanting to protect the country?], I have always been interested in aviation, and this is what drove me to study engineering. I enjoyed working as a team utilizing the latest technology and overcoming challenges with ingenuity and creativity.

[P/]I learned many of these skills while mentoring FIRST Robotics Team 467, a group of approximately fifty high school students. While working to overcome (overcome is not quite the right word...) the very difficult challenges laid out by the FIRST creators, I knew I had found what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Every year, the FIRST creators design a new competition that is kept secret until a set start date. After learning of the goals, which may include stacking boxes, obstacle navigation, object sorting or autonomous operation, teams have only six weeks and strict limits on materials and budgets to build a fully functioning robot which meets all of the goals. The robots will then compete against robots built by other schools. I loved explaining difficult science topics as well as encouraging team work. We would often work late into the night and team members often logged well over 100 hours in the six week span of the competition while going to school full time. Despite the long hours and seemingly unachievable goals set forth by the organizers, morale was consistently high. We were so (motivated in cheering our team on in competition) [Awkward phrase] that we won team spirit awards. While we finished as high as second place, and as low as forty-seventh, we always thought outside the box and _ won awards for originality.
I realize that leading students towards winning competitions and leading Sailors towards winning wars are worlds apart, but I feel that I am up to the challenge. I feel my passion for aviation, and my patriotism will drive me to rise to the high leadership standards set by those who have gone before me. It would be my greatest honor to serve my country as a Naval Officer.

///////////////////

I transferred from WPI to WIT [I assume the reader will know what that means?] my sophomore year and wanted to make friends and fit in with my new roommates. I regret to report that this caused me to experiment with marijuana. [It didn't "cause" you to do anything. You experimented in an attempt to make friends. It's a big difference. The way you have it now seems to abdicate responsibility.] I _ smoked roughly 10 times over a time span of September through December 2006. I did not really enjoy it [I can't see this half of the sentence doing you much good.], but unfortunately I caved In to peer pressure.

I have since sworn off of marijuana and all other drugs. [To me, and I may be wrong about this, "sworn off" implies something like quitting something you would like to keep doing. Like I swore off high fructose corn syrup. I would say something more to the effect of, 'I haven't used any drugs since that time, and I never will.' (but not that, b/c it's bad writing)] I am filled with sorrow to think my momentary lapse in judgment may have cost me my greatest dream in life; to become a Naval Officer. I put my honor, my health and my future on the line just to be able to fit in and I would do anything to be able to take it back. I realize that marijuana is illegal for an excellent reason [This might be a bit hyperbolic, especially since many would disagree with that.], and that it has ruined peoples’ lives. Marijuana can cause catastrophic lung damage due to heavy inhalation of tar, as well as permanent adverse effects on blood flow to the brain due to THC. [I'm not tuned into the marijuana issue, but I believe the best science says otherwise (/is inconclusive). Either way, the 'badness' of marijuana seems irrelevant.] I value my intellect and good health highly and would not want to jeopardize them. I have also learned that the sales of illegal drugs often fund violent gangs and even terrorists and I abhor the thought of supporting such activity to my very core. My actions were irresponsible and I have seen the error of my ways. I completely agree with the Navy’s policy on drug use and understand why I will need a waiver if I am to qualify for service. I humble myself before your judgment. [No.....]

While I may have made mistakes in the past, _ I have changed and am more determined than ever to serve my country. _ I will redeem myself and would make an excellent leader and Naval Officer.


I think you should get as much gouge as possible on the waiver issue; I didn't need one, and haven't read much on it, to be honest. So if you get contradictory information, by all means ignore me.
I do think you're making a medium-sized deal into a HUGE deal, though. Explain the circumstances and make your contrition clear. Don't try kiss the feet of any and all who would read this. /MHO

 

[m26]

RECNEPSSIRHC

Prompt: Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer.

I want to become a Naval Officer mainly for two reasons: to improve my well-being, while obtaining even more leadership qualities than I already have now and to serve my country to its fullest.[2?]

First, I believe [active voice, people] that _ becoming a Naval Officer will _ better myself as a person, both physically and mentally. Serving in the Navy as an Officer will provide me with valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be found/obtained anywhere else. The _ discipline, professionalism, and utmost respect from others ("make the military unique," or some such). I believe the rigorous processes [which ones are those?] a Naval Officer will have to pursue will advance me even more [?]on the road to success. I realize that becoming a Naval Officer is not the easiest task but I am willing to accept the fact that becoming one will help me to be the best that I can be [I don't think that sentence means what you think it means.].

[P/] Second is my dedication to serve this country of ours. [This sentence just doesn't work, particularly the transition.] I believe that there is nothing more honorable than serving one's country in the military. Applying teamwork qualities [?] with like-minded men and women continues my dedication, to be a part of a force that is there to protect the people, including our families and friends. [This whole sentence needs to be rewritten.]

I think I would be an outstanding candidate to become a Naval Officer because I believe I have the motivation and drive to hold the position of _ a Naval Officer. [(1) "Think" and "believe?" (2) Everyone says that. If they didn't they wouldn't apply. If you say something like this you need to back it up with something more concrete.] I know what it takes to become a Naval Officer and to pursue the objectives of being one. [Pray, do tell.] Hopefully, someday in the future I can look back and say, “I did it” and be able call myself a United States Naval Officer. _ [/QUOTE]

 

[Triumph57]

m26, thanks for taking the time to look over and correct my essays. Your help is much appreciated and I will make appropriate revisions.

With regards to the marijuana issue, while I would never do it again, I agree it isn't nearly as terrible as I made it seem in the essay. However, I was told if I said something like "Marijuana use isn't a big deal, it shouldn't even be illegal", my chances of getting a waiver were somewhere between slim and none. The Navy has taken a strict zero tolerance stance on marijuana use and in order to convince them I would fit in with their culture, I need to parrot that stance. I also was told to make it seem as though getting in to this program or not would define my very existence, thus the hyperbole. I was told this would be more likely to generate sympathy and thus a waiver than simply saying "I'm sorry, it won't happen again".

 

[m26]

By all means follow that advice if you are getting it from reliable sources. It sounds logical enough.