Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[recnepssirhc]

Oh man, thanks fortaking the time to read my essay m26. I'll get started on editing it and what not right away.

***** Well had sometime to rearrange and change things around. Hopefully it improved a little bit.*****

So heres attempt #2:

Prompt: Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer.

I want to become a Naval Officer to improve my self by obtaining more leadership qualities, to serve my country to its fullest, and to physically and mentally challenge myself. I am young and naive and willing to take on the risks of which will transform and mold myself into a lifestyle full of honor and utmost respect.

I believe by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person. Serving in the Navy as an Officer will provide me with certain valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be obtained else where. The discipline and professionalism make the military more unique and more interesting than other occupations. The rigorous mental and physical training a Naval Officer will have to pursue will only make me a better person physically, mentally, and morally.

Also, I want to become a Naval Officer because I want to serve my country. I believe there is nothing more honorable than serving one's country in the military. I want to be able to lead a group of bright, hard-working Sailors toward achievements that will make a difference in their lives. Not only am I serving for our country but I am doing it with like-minded men and women, which continues my dedication, to be a part of a force that protects our freedoms and our rights.

Finally, I want to become a Naval Officer because of the challenge. I know by becoming a Naval Officer will push me to my breaking point resulting in myself becoming the best that I can be. I know it will make me go beyond the limits of what a person can only think is impossible. I will be acquiring lightening-fast decision making skills and important responsibilities, hopefully to better the lives of others and myself. But in the end, I know it will all be worth it because while having the respect and honor for others and myself, I will be able to look back and say, “I did it” and proudly call myself a United States Naval Officer.

 

[Archer117]

Naval Academy Personal Statement

First I would like to introduce myself. I'm an E-2 in the Navy who just recently dropped from BUD/S (SEAL training). I've been in the Navy for roughly 7 months and am now working towards becoming an officer.

I'm applying to the Naval Academy. I have written a personal statement which I believe is fairly good, however I could benefit from suggestions from experienced aviators and officers on this site. Any recommendations for change, opinions of what's good and what's bad would be most appreciated.

The prompts are the following:

(1)Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and(2)Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

My interest in naval service was first inspired by the challenge of the Navy SEAL program. I also understood that my long standing interest in flying airplanes could be pursued in a career capacity.
The common denominator for these seemingly disparate occupations was that both offered the opportunity for professional development while serving my country. While at BUD/S, I realized that being a SEAL would prove more emotionally challenging than I had allowed myself to imagine. I would personally be encountering our nation's enemies and specifically trained to kill them.
I always had it in the back of my mind. I knew that this was the nature of the work I was training for and I couldn't take the concept on board 100 percent. While I thrived on the nobility of becoming a SEAL, passing all physical stress evolutions without incident, deep down my reservations began to surface. I knew that being a trained killer would potentially sacrifice my own mental health and psyche. During my moment of weakness at BUD/S, subsequent to lack of sleep, physical exertion, and mental games by the instructors these subconscious thoughts surfaced to my conscious mind and served to be the consequential influence of me dropping myself from training.
I have since redirected my focus to pursuing a career in flying. Given the opportunity, the Naval Academy will provide me with an excellent education and foundation to serve as an officer upon receiving a commission. I have been schooled in basic flight before I joined the Navy and have received Federal Aviation Administration solo-certfication. My flight instructor at the time, Bob ------- (Great Barrington Airport, MA), commented on numerous occasions that I showed noticeable potential and aptitude at piloting. He consistently identified me as "a natural".
Training alongside enlisted and officer BUD/S trainees was a great experience because they were the best sailors the Navy had to offer. Best in the sense that their motivation for performing duty was unmatched, as was their desire to attain excellence; physically and mentally. I found that working with the best brought out the best in me. The constant challenges at BUD/S that were overcame as an individual and as a team forged a brain chemistry that could deal with and eventually defeat adversity. I took the SEAL Creed to heart.
My admission to the Naval Academy would provide an opportunity for me to lead Sailors whose character I have witnessed. It would also enable me to realize my goals of becoming a Naval Aviator.

 

[m26]

Hey, Archer, welcome! You've come to the right place

I have written a personal statement which I believe is fairly good.

I'm afraid it needs a good deal of work, but it can improve!

I could benefit from suggestions from experienced aviators and officers on this site.

I am neither, but I can show you some of the places you're going wrong. This is not a thorough review, and you can take my thoughts for whatever you like.

I knew that this was the nature of the work I was training for and I couldn't take the concept on board 100 percent.

It's "but," not "and." Even corrected, it's just not a good sentence.

Deep down my reservations began to surface.

Read that over.

...served to be the consequential influence...

...of me dropping myself from training.

This is not good writing.

I have since redirected my focus to pursuing a career in flying.

And Academy grads get SNA slots if they want them? (I have no clue, but I don't think they do...)

Best in the sense that their motivation for performing duty was unmatched, as was their desire to attain excellence; physically and mentally.

This is not a sentence.

The constant challenges at BUD/S that were overcame...

No.

I knew that being a trained killer would potentially sacrifice my own mental health and psyche.

Execution of my duties will be swift and violent when required

I took the SEAL Creed to heart.

How does this look?

Also, you will be a "trained killer" as a pilot. So you've just disqualified yourself from what you're applying to, no? Forget about the essay for a moment, I would be worried that you would get halfway through training, realize you might be called on to drop bombs on people or kill another pilot, and then drop out of flight training just as you did BUD/S.

If you have this sorted out, you haven't made it clear in your essay.

 

[Archer117]

Thank you for the grammatical fixes and for pointing out the conflicting statements. I know that pilots are trained killers too; the only point I was trying to make was that SEAL's actually do the killing with their hands- they train specifically with hand to hand combat and face to face killing, for lack of a better term. I'll have to rework this to make it more clear. Thank you m26.

 

[Triumph57]

Best. Motivational. Statement. Ever.

 

[yakboyslim]

I just found this in my google docs and figured I should post it to help others.

This was my motivational essay, and I have since been pro-rec'd for NFO, after not being selected by the Admiral for NUKE. Just thought it might be helpful to post an essay that was part of a package that got accepted.

From a very young age, I have had an interest in being in the United States Armed Forces. The honor, integrity and leadership that the men and women of the Armed Forces must possess, and the service to one’s country that they all willingly provide are a testament to the strength of our nation and its people. As I progressed through high school, I began to see myself as a leader in more and more situations. I developed as a leader when I led my peers in drum line throughout high school. However, around the same time I came to find a true calling in engineering. I thought that my drive, skills and leadership would best be utilized in that career and I devoted all my efforts to progressing as an engineer – studying at Case Western Reserve University for a dual major engineering degree and working on an internship.
My brother recently joined the Marines on delayed enlistment and I am proud of his willingness to take that stand and commit himself to his country. I know that it will be an excellent opportunity for him to better himself. In some ways, I saw him as fortunate. While he has interests and aspirations, it is clear how the Armed Forces can advance them. I thought that my sacrifice would be far greater because I would have to give up on some of my career aspirations.
When I learned about the NUPOC program I was excited at the prospect of being able to put the skills I had, and my drive to learn new skills and progress as a leader, to work for the Navy. I have always been searching for a way to serve my country but did not know I could do it in a way that in no way obstructs my career plans, but instead rewards them and enables me to excel even more in the private sector.
I am excited to stand at a point where I can be a Navy Officer and succeed in an engineering career. I possess the intellect and desire to be trained and taught to progress in both fields with honor and integrity. I have already proven myself as a leader in the organizations and activities I am part of, and know that I am ready, with the Navy’s training, to become a leader in more rewarding and challenging ways.

 

[Vas Deferens]

Just to help anyone along with their motivational statement, I'll post mine below. I was Pro-Rec'd for SNA in October.

Some things to keep in mind when writing a motivational statement:

1 Highlight major accomplishments
2 Don't make excuses for shortcomings (Why even mention them)
3 Talk about yourself (your father and grandfather aren't applying)
4 Sound motivated
5 (This is the biggie) SOUND INTELLIGENT

To seek a commission in the United States Navy requires determination, maturity, and a personal commitment to excellence. These values are the heart of my motivation to become a Naval Officer and Aviator. As a Naval Officer, I will also have a commitment to uphold the nation’s honor. I feel privileged to be considered and embrace the challenge and adventure.

In recent years, I have demonstrated the ability to successfully complete various endeavors simultaneously. I completed a Master’s Degree one year after being accepted into the program. I maintained academic excellence while participating in extra-curricular activities, working several hours per week, and logging time toward a Private Pilot License. My education in English and Technical Communication will serve me well as a Naval Officer as the ability to communicate effectively is necessary for the continued success of any organization.

Participation in the scuba diving program at my university has provided intense physical training and leadership experience that will be useful should I be given the honor to train as an officer and an aviator. As I progressed from student diver to diving leader, I learned the importance of excellence in leadership. My instructor often stressed that people have been seriously injured or killed due to inadequate instruction and mediocre leadership. As a diving leader, I had the opportunity to instruct student divers and lead them on open-water checkout dives. These opportunities allowed me to teach others as I had been taught and demonstrate leadership in diverse and sometimes demanding situations that required timely decisions and adaptability. As an active member of the Scuba Club, I served as Communications Officer and T-Shirt Committee Director.

With my successful performance in the scuba program, my instructor offered me a position as a university lifeguard. My responsibilities in this position can at times be a matter of life and death. I understand that my situational awareness and decisions will undoubtedly have an effect on others. Many times I have been required to act quickly and revert to my training in order to perform a rescue.

Through my experiences, I have learned that the greatest challenges often yield the greatest rewards. I can think of no greater challenge and no finer reward than to be selected as an Officer Candidate for Naval Aviation. The great sense of accomplishment when any obstacle is overcome continues to motivate me in the relentless pursuit of excellence.

Hope this helps.

 

[Archer117]

Hello everyone. I'm back with a revision of my previous personal statement. Please let me know how this reads.


My interest in naval service was first inspired by a long time friend of mine. He was a graduated Navy SEAL who was home on leave at the time. I was immediately impressed by his physical and mental maturity. After talking with him extensively about the demands of BUD/S training and the mindset needed to succeed, I realized that this was the kind of challenge I was looking for.

I promptly visited the recruiter and was placed in the six month Delayed Entry Program. During this six months I trained nearly every day to prepare myself for BUD/S. During this time I was also pursuing my goal of becoming a pilot by taking flying lessons. I realized that my long standing interest in flying airplanes could possibly be pursued in a military capacity as well.

The common denominator for these seemingly disparate occupations was that both offered the opportunity for professional development while serving my country. While at BUD/S, I realized that being a SEAL would prove more challenging than I had allowed myself to imagine.

I thrived on the nobility of becoming a SEAL, passing all the physical stress evolutions without incident. I took the SEAL creed to heart and frequently quoted it to strengthen my resolve. Four weeks into training, subsequent to lack of sleep, physical exertion, and mental games by the instructors, I dropped on request from training. From an observer’s point of view this may seem like a sign of weakness or an admittance of defeat; however the matter requires closer analysis. When the mind and body is put under extreme stressors a person realizes what is and what is not most important to them. The SEAL lifestyle was attractive but my conceptions of it didn’t penetrate the true essence of being one. Despite my romanticized vision of the profession, the experiences I’ve had in training have assisted me in becoming a more effective military member and leader; and I venture to suspect that simply the extent to which I endured the training speaks favorably to many aspects of my character.

I have since redirected my focus to becoming an officer and hopefully being awarded an SNA position. Given the opportunity, the Naval Academy will provide me with an excellent education and foundation to serve as an officer upon receiving a commission. I have been schooled in basic flight before I joined the Navy and have received Federal Aviation Administration solo-certfication. My flight instructor at the time, Bob (Great Barrington Airport, MA), commented on numerous occasions that I showed noticeable potential and aptitude at piloting. He consistently identified me as "a natural".

Training alongside enlisted and officer BUD/S trainees was a great experience because they were the best sailors the Navy had to offer. Their motivation for performing duty was unmatched, as was their desire to attain excellence; physically and mentally. I found that working with the best brought out the best in me. The constant challenges at BUD/S were conquered individually and as a team. It forged a brain chemistry that could deal with and eventually defeat adversity.

My admission to the Naval Academy would provide an opportunity for me to lead Sailors whose character I witness and share with daily. It would also enable me to realize my aspirations of becoming a Naval Aviator.

 

[sea_wolf]

and I venture to suspect that simply the extent to which I endured the training speaks favorably to many aspects of my character.

I don't think you could make that any more awkward and difficult to get through if you tried, the whole paragraph you are really reaching trying to make your quitting sound like such a wonderful positive.

My flight instructor at the time, Bob (Great Barrington Airport, MA), commented on numerous occasions that I showed noticeable potential and aptitude at piloting. He consistently identified me as "a natural".

Well if Bob said it, it must be true, this kind of thing would only have strength if attached as a separate character reference.

I found that working with the best brought out the best in me.The constant challenges at BUD/S were conquered individually and as a team. It forged a brain chemistry that could deal with and eventually defeat adversity.

You might want to delineate exactly what qualities these are, because most of what they are going to draw from this moto is that BUD/S brought out the quitter in you, no offense. I think they can respect that the BUD/S program is definitely not for everyone, it is designed to weed out people not totally committed, but your argument that it makes you that much better a candidate might need some more fleshing out to be convincing.

 

[jtmedli]

My interest in naval service was first inspired by a long time friend of mine. He was a graduated Navy SEAL who was home on leave at the time. I was immediately impressed by his physical and mental maturity. After talking with him extensively about the demands of BUD/S training and the mindset needed to succeed, I realized that this was the kind of challenge for which I was looking.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]I promptly visited the recruiter and was placed in the six month Delayed Entry Program. During this six months I trained nearly every day to prepare myself for BUD/S while also pursuing my goal of becoming a pilot by taking flying lessons. I realized that my long standing interest in flying could possibly be pursued in a military capacity as well.

The common denominator for these seemingly disparate occupations was that both offered the opportunity for professional development while serving my country. While at BUD/S, I realized that being a SEAL would prove more challenging than I had allowed myself to imagine.

I thrived on the nobility of becoming a SEAL, passing all the physical stress evolutions without incident. I took the SEAL creed to heart and frequently quoted it to strengthen my resolve. Four weeks into training, subsequent to lack of sleep, physical exertion, and mental games by the instructors, I dropped on request from training. From an observer’s point of view this may seem like a sign of weakness or an admittance of defeat; however the matter requires closer analysis. When the mind and body is put under extreme stressors a person realizes what is and what is not most important to them. The SEAL lifestyle was attractive but my conceptions of it didn’t penetrate the true essence of being one. Despite my romanticized vision of the profession, the experiences I’ve had in training have assisted me in becoming a more effective military member and leader; and I venture to suspect that simply the extent to which I endured the training speaks favorably to many aspects of my character.

I have since redirected my focus to becoming an officer and hopefully being awarded an SNA position. Given the opportunity, the Naval Academy will provide me with an excellent education and foundation to serve as an officer upon receiving a commission. I have been schooled in basic flight before I joined the Navy and have received Federal Aviation Administration solo-certfication. My flight instructor at the time commented on numerous occasions that I showed noticeable potential and aptitude. He consistently identified me as "a natural".

Training alongside enlisted and officer BUD/S trainees was a great experience because they were the best sailors the Navy had to offer. Their motivation for performing duty was unmatched, as was their desire to attain excellence; physically and mentally. I found that working with the best brought out the best in me. The constant challenges at BUD/S were conquered individually and as a team. It forged a chemistry that could deal with and eventually defeat adversity.

My admission to the Naval Academy would provide an opportunity for me to lead Sailors whose character I witness and share with daily. It would also enable me to realize my aspirations of becoming a Naval Aviator.

I made a few simple changes:
-don't end sentences with 'for'
-took out some unnecessary words 'piloting' 'brain' etc...

I would redo the whole part in red. It sounds bad and comes off like "this is why I'm a quitter" type of thing or something. Basically just seems to dwell on why you quit instead of what you've learned from the experience. Use the part in blue as a guideline. That part actually sounds really positive.

 

[Archer117]

Thanks guys. I've done a good deal of editing to this essay. It's definitely come a long way since the first draft. Below is my latest version where I've included your corrections. Again, I appreciate your continued input.

My initial interest in the naval service was inspired by a long time, good friend xxxxx xxxxx with whom I played hockey before and during high school. He is a current Navy SEAL and was home on leave in the Spring of 2008. I was immediately impressed by his physical conditioning and mental maturity, traits lacking in most of our classmates. After talking with him extensively about the demands of BUD/S training and the mindset needed to succeed, I realized that this was the type of challenge I had been seeking.


I promptly visited the local Navy recruiter and signed up for the six month delayed entry program during which I trained nearly every day to prepare myself for BUD/S. At the same time I continued to pursue a personal goal of becoming a pilot by taking flight lessons, realizing it could also be useful in a military capacity, and achieved Federal Aviation Administration solo-certification. My flight instructor frequently said I showed noticeable potential and aptitude and consistently identified me as a "natural. The common trait between these interests is the opportunity for personal and professional development while serving our great country. Additionally, flying is just damned exciting.

Once in training I took the SEAL creed to heart, frequently quoting it to strengthen my resolve and thriving on the concept of becoming a SEAL. I passed and usually excelled in the physical stress evolutions and other skills. After completing three months of BUD/S training, during a very exhausted and isolated time, I impulsively and regretfully opted to drop on request. However, the knowledge gained through team and individual accomplishments and realization of my potential have given me a sense of purpose and the determination to advance within Navy ranks. My documented performance in BUD/S training makes me eligible to return to it in 2011 if I choose.

I have since focused on attaining an SNA position and officer's commission through the excellent educational opportunities the Naval Academy provides. Training alongside enlisted and officer BUD/S candidates was an exceptional experience as they are probably the best any branch of the military has to offer. Their motivation for physical and mental excellence and commitment to personal integrity is unmatched. I have discovered that working with the best has brought out the best in me. The constant challenges at BUD/S were conquered individually and as a team. It forged the character needed to excel in the face of adversity and the will to succeed.

Admission to the Naval Academy will enable me to ultimately lead enlisted men and women to their highest level of performance. Leadership requires strength of character, personal integrity, intelligence and inspiration. I know this is achievable through my experiences in BUD/S training. I look forward to the challenge and the opportunity.

Sincerely,
Christopher Winig

 

[Archer117]

This was a copy. Accidentally posted twice. Not sure how to delete.

 

[Dominoes]

Thank you for the critique. Here's a revised version of my statement:

It would be a privilege to serve as an Officer in the US Navy. I have been interested in joining the US military since High School. I was inspired by my Aunt who is a retired Air Force Officer, and my friends and roommates who enrolled in ROTC during college. My decision to join the Navy is heavily based on testimony from Naval Officers including coworkers and acquaintances. The Military Leadership class I completed in college reinforced this interest. I am applying to OCS instead of enlisting because I perform best when in a position of responsibility, where decision making is an important part of my job.

My work supporting Defense Advanced Research Project Agency programs contributes to national security; serving in the Navy would provide the opportunity to continue doing so. My internship in the office of former-US Senator Pete Domenici exposed me to the legislative process backing the US government, and joining the armed forces would give me another perspective on the government, as well as allowing me to continue working for my country. I'm fascinated by technology and engineering; serving an Officer in the US Navy would afford me many opportunities to explore this love in a way that benefits not just myself, but those who work for and with me, and those we work to protect.

In addition to serving, I seek a commission to improve myself. This unique opportunity would improve my mental, physical and leadership abilities. Self-improvement over a broad range of skills is a dominant aspect of my life, and a driving factor for choosing to seek a commission. The opportunity to serve around the world would allow me to refine my professional skills while gaining unparalleled life experiences. It was with considerable research and thought that I decided to pursue this opportunity to serve my country, and I will bring my thoughtfulness and research abilities to the job as a US Naval Officer.

As my application indicates, I participated in a variety of team-oriented activities during school, including positions of leadership. As a member of my high school’s varsity crew team for three years, I learned teamwork skills in a physically and mentally challenging, high-stress environment. As the bass player in my school’s jazz band for three years, my role was critical to maintaining the rhythm of the entire band. These activities highlight my drive to succeed as part of a team, as well as my skills in gaining respect and support from those I worked with. I am confident that I would excel as an Officer based on my previously mentioned attributes. The experiences I would take from the service and my contribution to the Navy would both be invaluable.

 

[m26]

It's not that bad, Dominoes, but after a (very) quick read, this is my dominant impression:

The paragraphs were purely obligatory; the statement would have read just the same in bullet-point format.

BTW, you don't need to mention why you didn't enlist.

 

[SE7]

Motivational Statement Critique

Hey guys, I am new to this forum. And I think this is the right thread for critiquing my motivational statement, so here she is...

Leadership is a skill I have learned to cultivate through experience and by example. Two of these examples within my life are my Father and Grandfather. Growing up I always had an interest in joining the United States Armed Forces. This is due in part to my family history. My Grandfather was a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy during the second World War and the Korean War. He flew a Martin PBM Mariner out of Recife, Brazil and Iwacuni, Japan. My father was also in the United States Navy, during the Vietnam conflict, he was stationed on the USS Ranger. Both of these men have been beneficial examples for my moral and physical development.

Their examples taught me the value of compassion, sacrifice, duty and perseverance. Through these traits I attained a 3.9 GPA in High school while participating in cross country, track, swimming, student government, the National Honors Society and theater. As a stage manager in theater, swim team captain and National Honors Society Co-president I had the opportunity to organize, lead and encourage others to perform their best and give back to the community. Toward the end of my senior year, I chose to pursue a degree that would prove to be a challenge both mentally and spiritually. This led me to the mechanical engineering program at George Fox University where I worked while going to school full time. I believe that the United States Navy would be an optimal environment to utilize and expand upon my skills as an engineer and a leader.

I choose to seek a commission within the United States Navy to not only protect my family, friends and America's freedoms; but to help those in need through compassion, sacrifice and duty. I would consider it an honor and a privilege to demonstrate my desire and ability to persevere and lead.

Rip it to shreds!