Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[canav08]

What do people think about a 1092 word motivational statement?

It is 5,999 characters long including spaces. The application packet from my recruiter says a max of 6000 including spaces. Looks like I just made it.

I really do not feel like I'm rambling or not concise. I don't mean this in an arrogant way but I'm a good writer and not really worried about the content. I'm within the length requirements given to me. I don't think it sucks, I started one that was bad last week and then totally rebuilt it. I'm now happy with it. I just end up saying alot about past experiences with military officers in general, what I learned from them, how I applied that knowledge to my civilian jobs and why I believe my past experiences make me a good candidate.

I did want to solicit opinions on whether people think this is outlandishly long. Anybody else have similarly long statements? I'm just worried about being the one idiot with a book if there is no real precident for this and the conventional wisdom seems to be to keep it much shorter. My concern is just the length, pretend everything else is perfect.

Thanks!

 

[Will_T]

Hey all,

It appears that there aren't going to be any scholarships this year for my year group, so I have started a NUPOC application so that I can still try for a commission. I am pasting my motivational statement, and I'd really like any feedback you can give. Thanks in advance!

My family and I are privileged to come from a country that gives its citizens so much, and for that, I am indebted. I can think of no better way to repay that debt to serve in the military of my country and perpetuate the freedom and democracy that previous generations have achieved.
During my childhood, my grandfather would often regale me with stories from his time as sea onboard a minesweeper during the Second World War. He would always finish his stories by claiming that the time he spent in the Navy and the carpentry skills he learned helped himsucceed in life as a contractor and more importantly, as a man. I consider my grandfather a great man, and I know that by following his footsteps into the United States Navy, I too can achieve that same greatness. Like my grandfather, I have decided to join the military when our country is at war because I hear the call for assistance. As President J.F. Kennedy said, “ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country”.
The Nuclear Navy is always looking to fill its officer corps with intelligent, motivated men and women who can lead its sailors into battle and on to victory. I have consistently strived for academically rigorous training and maintained good grades despite a difficult workload. I have also tried to challenge myself by applying for leadership positions, and achieving the rank of Squad Leader as a freshman college programmer in NROTC and as the Vice President of my dorm’s Residence Hall Association. It is not enough, however, for an officer to be intelligent, motivated and capable of leadership. As John Paul Jones stated, “he should be as well a gentleman of liberal education, refined manner, punctilious courtesy and the nicest sense of personal honor”. In the modern era, that means a Naval Officer should live by the words: Honor, Courage, Commitment. These traits are difficult to quantify, but the adherence to their meanings are an integral part of my life.
The opportunity to serve in the United States Navy is one of truly remarkable opportunities afforded to America’s citizens, and it is one that I strive for with a passion.

 

[villanelle]

Your use of the word "perpetuate" in the first paragraph is a little off. Find a better word.

"Often regale"--trying too hard. No one speaks like that, which means they shouldn't write like that either. He "told" you stories. It isn't a fancy word, but it works.

Some comma issues (and a typo). Ask a teacher for a full copy edit.

They JFK quote comes off as a bite trite, IMO. Does that really add anything to your essay? Does it tell a board about why you are a good candidate? Since everyone has heard that quote, it isn't so profound that it will cause them to think in a new way, so it is really just taking up space. By and large, I'm not a huge fan of the "use a quote" tactic in this type of short statement, but the second one seems to at least add something about they way you view service and life. The first doesn't, IMO.

The colon near the end is used incorrectly. What comes before a comma should be a complete sentence in and thought. It isn't used to set off a list in the middle of an otherwise incomplete sentence. I would change that sentence around so that you are listing values (rather than "words") and restructure it so the list is more integrated into the sentence. (An Officer should embrace the values [or concepts?] of A, B, C, and D.)

Adherence is a singular noun, so the verbs used to apply to that subject. ('Adherence is', not 'adherence are').

Typos or something weird in the last sentence. Also, I think it's a fairly weak ending.

 

[Will_T]

Great feedback! Thank you for your time. I have done some editing and tried to strengthen the ending:

My family and I are privileged to come from a country that gives its citizens so much. I can think of no better way to repay my gratitude than to serve in the Navy and help preserve the freedoms and democracy that previous generations have valiantly secured.

During my childhood, my grandfather told me stories from his time aboard a minesweeper during World War II. He always finished his stories by stating that the time he spent in the Navy helped him succeed in life as a contractor and more importantly, as a man. I consider my grandfather a great man, and I know that I can achieve my form of greatness by following his footsteps into the United States Navy. Like my grandfather, I wish to join the military when while it is at war because I hear the call to serve.

I wish to join the motivated men and women in the Nuclear and help lead them to victory. I have consistently strived for academically rigorous training and maintained good grades in order to prepare myself. I have also tried to build myself as a leader and succeeded as a squad leader at my NROTC unit and as the Vice President of my dorm’s Residence Hall Association.

It is not enough, however, for an officer to be intelligent, motivated and capable of leadership. As John Paul Jones stated, “he should be as well a gentleman of liberal education, refined manner, punctilious courtesy and the nicest sense of personal honor”. This means a Naval Officer should exemplify the values of honor, courage and commitment. These traits are difficult to quantify, but their meaning have been an integral part of my life.

The opportunity to serve in the United States Navy is one of the most remarkable opportunities given to American’s citizens, and it is an opportunity I passionately strive to earn. I would like to respectfully request an opportunity to earn a commission and take on the risks involved, so that my loved ones will not have to.

 

[Lucy]

Will_T,

Feel is much better. Good choice to follow villanelle's advice about the quote.

Think this sentence "I wish to join the motivated men and women in the Nuclear and help lead them to victory" is akward in a couple different ways, even beyond the grammar.

Take out the "would like to". Thats a given when you say it.

Much better overall though. Is the Nuke app/moto statements different than the general officer app? I would think so.

 

[villanelle]

Gah. Sorry for all the typos in my editing post.

 

[Will_T]

I copy on the awkwardness, its supposed to by "Nuclear Navy", but I will work on it.
The motivational statement is actually the same in the paperwork I have.
Thanks again for your help!

 

[AbSUP]

Going through application process again (did not send through first time - rescinded before board) and looking for some help with MotSTMT. Any critique is much appreciated!
---------------------------------
I seek a commission as a Naval Officer in the United States Navy because I have a strong desire to make a career out of serving this great country. I believe the Navy is an apt place to learn the skills to do so.

One cannot help but admire the logistical proficiency that it takes to run the global and complex operation that is the Navy. I desire to learn what it takes to keep the wheels turning in such a large and complex system. And I want to learn how to effectively lead and motivate others. Becoming an Officer in the Navy will not only allow me to learn and grow as a person, but will also allow me to begin my path of service.

Growing up in an entrepreneurial household, and now working in a small company myself, I have come to appreciate the importance of teamwork. In such an environment I have learned that it is essential for every member of the team to work together for the company to be a success.

Additionally my work experience includes that of sole financial manager at a small construction company. I am in charge of a multimillion dollar budget and cash flow. My input is requested on all major financial decisions the owner makes. Processing weekly payroll for eighty employees and ensuring cash flow remains uninterrupted are routine duties. Moreover wrapping up my fourth year working for the company the majority of my time here has been spent managing my responsibilities as a full time employee while I was also completing my degree as a full time student.

Stemming from a family with a history in the Navy, a desire to serve in the Navy has held my interest for a long while. War stories and historical battles caught my interest as a young boy. Events of terror and domestic attack strengthened my affinity to the nation as a young man, and I believe that one day my civic efforts will cement myself as an honorable serviceman to this great country.

 

[BrandonCl]

Having been through the application process and getting picked up for Supply I feel as though posting my Motivational Statement may help those applying get a feeling of what a successful Mot. Stat. may be. (Keep in mind there are a million on one different ways to write this statement, this is just my take on it)

An officer in the United States Navy exemplifies courage, leadership, and integrity; three qualities I strive to exhibit every day. It is my passion for said qualities that has led me towards a commission in the United States Navy. As a courageous individual I am confident that I can survive anything because although I might falter and stumble, my courage will always pick me up again, dust me down, and set me doggedly on my path to make a difference and to be the best person I can possibly be. As a leader I guide other towards a common goal, showing the way by example, and creating an environment in which other team members feel actively involved in the whole process. I do not see myself as the boss of a group but, instead, the person that is committed to carrying out the mission. As an honest individual I don't always do what's popular, but I always do what's right. After all, integrity is about being honest, upstanding, and having strong character. I envision the United States Navy as the perfect opportunity to unleash my potential as a leader while I develop and prosper as a human being. Being an officer in the United States Navy is more than a career, it is a chance to lead, develop, and learn from young individuals like myself. As a Naval officer, I will strive in all my endeavors to continually nurture my talents as I steer young men and women towards achievement of their ultimate ambitions. John Maxwell once said, "A leader's courage to full fill his vision comes from passion, not position." As an officer in the United States Navy my passion for inspiring others and motivating my peers will always come before my title.

Good luck to all the applicants trying to join the greatest navy in the world.

 

[Sparticusjmr]

Alright ladies and gentlemen, I have another M/S to contribute. Please tell me what you think. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read it as I have put many hours into making sure it will be worthy... hopefully. Pretty sure my eyes have glazed over so there may be some obvious mistakes towards the end. Lol. I am applying for Pilot/NFO/SWO/and Supply.

The U.S. Navy has always been a major influence on my life through the stories I heard from my grandfather and that were passed down through my father. The stories of his secondary duty assignment as a rear gunner in an SBD Dauntless during WWII is what awakened my drive to serve in the military. My father served as an OH-58 pilot in the Army as he had passed the age limit to become a Naval Aviator, but his stories also drew me to my responsibility to do my part serving to contribute to the team of military personnel protecting our country and allowing our way of life. It is my goal to serve with honor and commitment as many members of my family have done. Although I have always been interested in aviation, my priority is becoming an officer in the Navy. Graduating and pursuing civilian careers has felt like a waste of time and an empty promise knowing that my heart lied with serving as a Naval Officer. The feeling of contribution and the opportunity to explore the world while serving the country is a major portion of my motivation to do my part in the military. After the attacks of September 11th my mind immediately went to doing my part to protect our country.
I intended to join the military out of high school but my brother was in a severe car accident that resulted in massive brain trauma that required years of vocational and physical rehabilitation. I had two calls for my help but given the relative small size of my family I chose to stay to help them deal with the tragedy at home. I used this time to pursue a degree. I successfully worked my way through college while helping my family as much as possible and graduated Magna Cum Laude. A month before I graduated I made a gigantic mistake that resulted some legal troubles. I thought I had flushed my dreams down the metaphorical toilet. Upon learning that because it was my first offense I could get the charges dropped and expunged and possibly salvage my dream, I did everything I could to improve my application and show my dedication to becoming a U.S. Navy Officer. Knowing that it would take a couple years to show that the mistake I made was not representative of who I was, I decided to pursue a Master’s degree in Management and learned much about leadership in the courses I took. I learned that the best leaders in history were not those that bossed others around, but those that inspired others to become better at whatever they may do through example and making them feel like a contributing factor to the greater goal.
Given my experience and the passion I have toward reaching my goals, I have a lot I can contribute to the Navy. I have worked my way through school and shown that I can excel. I am adaptable and determined to become the best leader I can be. I have been faced with adversity and not given up on what was important to me. Eleanor Roosevelt has said “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” The weeks after my brother’s accident and the massive mistake I made were some of the scariest moments in my life. I almost lost one of my closest friends and I almost threw away my chance to do what I’m meant to do. Through the efforts of countless medical personnel and the incredible dedication to loved ones my family has shown, my brother is now driving to work and leading a fairly normal life. It is this dedication that I feel is most important in life and is why I will not give up on obtaining this goal. Over the past few years my resolve has been tested as I’m sure it will continue to be, but one thing I will never be able to give up on is following in my family’s footsteps to contribute to this country that gives my family a safe place to live.

 

[JMonte85]

o The U.S. Navy has always been a major influence on my life through the stories I heard from my grandfather, and which were passed down through my father. The stories of his secondary duty assignment as a rear gunner in an SBD Dauntless during WWII is what awakened my drive to serve in the military. My father served as an OH-58 pilot in the Army, and as he had passed the age limit to become a Naval Aviator, but his stories also drew me to my responsibility to do my part inspired my ambition and desire to serve and serving to contribute to the team of military personnel, who protectingprotect our country and allowing allow our way of life. It is my goal to serve with honor and commitment as many members of my family have done. Although I have always been interested in aviation, my priority is becoming an officer in the United States Navy. Graduating and Pursuing civilian careers has felt like a waste of time and like an empty promise knowing that my true desire, passion, and heart lay with serving as a Naval Officer. The feeling of contribution and the opportunity to explore the world while serving the this great country, is an opportunity many aspire, but few are ambitious enough to achieve. is a major portion of my motivation to do my part in the military. After the attacks of September 11th my mind immediately went to doing my part to protect our country.

o
I intended desired to join the military out of high school. Due to a devastating car accident my brother was involved in, I chose to stay home and support and assist my brother and my family, while he endured two years of rehabilitation. but my brother was in a severe car accident that resulted in massive brain trauma that required years of vocational and physical rehabilitation. I had two calls for my help but given the relative small size of my family I chose to stay to help them deal with the tragedy at home. I used. During this time to I also pursued a degree my bachelors and masters degree. I successfully worked my way through college while helping my family as much as possible, and graduated Magna Cum Laude. A month before I graduated I made a gigantic mistake that resulted some legal troubles. I thought I had flushed my dreams down the metaphorical toilet. Upon learning that because it was my first offense I could get the charges dropped and expunged and possibly salvage my dream, I did everything I could to improve my application and show my dedication to becoming a U.S. Navy Officer. Knowing that it would take a couple years to show that the mistake I made was not representative of who I was, I then decided to pursued a Master’s degree in Management and learned much about a vast amount of leadership in the courses I took. I learned that the best leaders in history were not those that bossed others around, but those that inspired others to reach their pinnacle within themselves, while reminding them the value they hold to achieving the ultimate goals, business or military related. to become better at whatever they may do through example and making them feel like a contributing factor to the greater goal.

o
Given my experience and the passion I have toward reaching my goals, I feel I have a lot I can contribute to the Navy. I have diligently worked my way through school and shown that I can excel. I am adaptable and determined to become the best leader I can be. I have been faced with adversity and not given up on what was important to me. Eleanor Roosevelt has said “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” The weeks after my brother’s accident and the massive mistake I made were some of the scariest moments in my life. I almost lost one of my closest friends and I almost threw away my chance to do what I’m meant to do. Through the efforts of countless medical personnel and the incredible dedication to loved ones my family has shown, my brother is now driving to work and leading a fairly normal life. It is this dedication that I feel is most important in life and is why I will not give up on obtaining this goal. Over the past few years my resolve has been tested as I’m sure it will continue to be, but one thing I will never be able to give up on is following in my family’s footsteps to contribute to this country that provides my family a safe place to live.

-------------------------------------------------------
I did the best I could with the first two paragraphs.. I think you should save the talk about your incident for your reconsideration letter. I also know that you have a PPL, and think you should include that fact in your motivational statement. I started going through the final paragraph but figured I'd wait.. Since I recommend you adding PPL stuff, and taking out your run in with the law, it will probably need to be re-written a little.

hope this helps, and still have it looked over for grammar. I'm not the best with grammar, but I tried to add commas where I felt they fit.

 

[GSR43]

Alright guys. Heres what I have. I would greatly appreciate some input. I have already turned it in to the processor so unless there are any major mistakes or errors (particularly regarding content) It wont be worth making all the changes. I also am currently writing a reconsideration letter and have little idea of what that entails. Fire away.

My Grandfather was a great man. The son of Dutch immigrants, he joined the Navy in 1942 to answer the call after the attack on Pearl Harbor. After he served his country, he joined the ranks of the civilian world and raised a family. He practiced law, became a judge and lived an honorable life many would be envious of. He used his time wisely, teaching his children the valuable lessons of integrity, commitment, honesty and perseverance. My father followed in his path, later becoming a sailor in 1971. He too gained the knowledge and discipline in the Navy becoming a better man, and later a better father and professional.
It is important to realize where certain values and traditions originate. After all, they are built into the fabric of the family unit and expressed through the actions that make us who we all are. I know that my family would not be the same without the experiences my father and grandfather had in the Navy. Said values shaped them into the people they became and shaped the families they raised. I am part of this tradition and it is my duty to continue it.
I have aspired to become a naval officer for a long while. This desire and sense of purpose has lead me to strive for the very best while continuing the traditions and values of my family. While attending the University of Texas, I was actively involved in the political process through an internship with United States Senator John Cornyn. I enjoyed the ends and outs of campaigning and discovered the joy I received from devoting myself to a greater cause. I realized more than ever, that service was something that truly fulfilled me and it hit home what exactly my father and grandfather had experienced during their time of service.
After graduation, I applied for Officer Candidate School. Needless to say, I was not accepted and found myself lost in my own ambition. I got a job working in a trade that can easily translate into the Navy world of supply. Because of the values instilled in me by my father and Grandfather, I now have one of the largest supply routes in central and south Texas.
I have never failed at what I have truly put my heart into and I don’t plan on failing now. I will do whatever it takes to become a naval officer. Even if I have exhausted every civilian route possible, I will earn my commission in other ways, serving my country the best way I can and fulfilling my dreams of military service. This attitude is something that makes me who I am, and that’s all I know how to be. I still have a lot to learn about life, leadership and honor because I am not finished developing into the person I wish to become. I long to lead America’s best; using the schooling the Navy has given my family already building atop with what started with my forefathers. I already owe my country a great deal for the freedoms others have sacrificed for us and I owe the Navy specifically for the values they have bestowed upon my family. Allow me to serve both to the greatest degree as an officer in the United States Navy.

 

[villanelle]

Grandfather is not a proper noun.

Ins and outs, not ends and outs. Malapropisms generally mean you aren't writing like you speak, which is always a mistake. If you don't use the phrase IRL, a major, potentially life-altering essay is the wrong time to take them for a test drive.

Is something is needless to say, why are you saying it? Skip that phrase. What does "lost in my own ambition" mean?

You've incorrectly used a semicolon.

I'd go on but I just reread your intro and realized than you've already submitted and you don't think it's worth making changes, so I'm not sure why you posted this.

 

[GSR43]

I posted it because I still have time to change some things, but not rewrite the entire MS. Thanks for your help so far, I would really appreciate if you continued. Your suggestions have already helped me out a great deal. What else is there?

 

[twobecrazy]

Alright guys. Heres what I have. I would greatly appreciate some input. I have already turned it in to the processor so unless there are any major mistakes or errors (particularly regarding content) It wont be worth making all the changes. I also am currently writing a reconsideration letter and have little idea of what that entails. Fire away.

My Grandfather was a great man. The son of Dutch immigrants, he joined the Navy in 1942 to answer the call after the attack on Pearl Harbor. After he served his country, he joined the ranks of the civilian world and raised a family. He practiced law, became a judge and lived an honorable life many would be envious of. He used his time wisely, teaching his children the valuable lessons of integrity, commitment, honesty and perseverance. My father followed in his path, later becoming a sailor in 1971. He too gained the knowledge and discipline in the Navy becoming a better man, and later a better father and professional.
It is important to realize where certain values and traditions originate. After all, they are built into the fabric of the family unit and expressed through the actions that make us who we all are. I know that my family would not be the same without the experiences my father and grandfather had in the Navy. Said values shaped them into the people they became and shaped the families they raised. I am part of this tradition and it is my duty to continue it.
I have aspired to become a naval officer for a long while. This desire and sense of purpose has lead me to strive for the very best while continuing the traditions and values of my family. While attending the University of Texas, I was actively involved in the political process through an internship with United States Senator John Cornyn. I enjoyed the ends and outs of campaigning and discovered the joy I received from devoting myself to a greater cause. I realized more than ever, that service was something that truly fulfilled me and it hit home what exactly my father and grandfather had experienced during their time of service.
After graduation, I applied for Officer Candidate School. Needless to say, I was not accepted and found myself lost in my own ambition. I got a job working in a trade that can easily translate into the Navy world of supply. Because of the values instilled in me by my father and Grandfather, I now have one of the largest supply routes in central and south Texas.
I have never failed at what I have truly put my heart into and I don’t plan on failing now. I will do whatever it takes to become a naval officer. Even if I have exhausted every civilian route possible, I will earn my commission in other ways, serving my country the best way I can and fulfilling my dreams of military service. This attitude is something that makes me who I am, and that’s all I know how to be. I still have a lot to learn about life, leadership and honor because I am not finished developing into the person I wish to become. I long to lead America’s best; using the schooling the Navy has given my family already building atop with what started with my forefathers. I already owe my country a great deal for the freedoms others have sacrificed for us and I owe the Navy specifically for the values they have bestowed upon my family. Allow me to serve both to the greatest degree as an officer in the United States Navy.

This is obviously my opinion and please don't take it the wrong way but I didn't like your statement. There are many errors. I think the content doesn't really do you any justice. But as you said you have already submitted it and unwilling to make major changes (which I think it needs major changes) so I won't proceed any further. Good Luck... I hope I am wrong...