Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[exNavyOffRec]

I think my last two board results were because of bad timing. At my first board I was in my sophomore year applying for BDCP. This was around the time when that program was up for question given the financial situation. My second attempt I was in my first semester of my senior year. From my understanding this was around the time when they changed direct appointment to the last six months instead of the last year of college. At least this was what my recruiter told me

That is correct, and looking at your GPA and such going from BDCP to DA you really should be able to do minimum changes and get picked up, your info is way way higher than most that are applying. The number one thing they will look at is PFAR, then GPA/degree, then motivational statement.

 

[Tonkovich.J]

Here is my revision based on the recommendations I received. Let me know what you guys think of it.

I was ten years old when I saw my first military aircraft do a performance at a local air show. At that very moment I was captivated with aviation and I have never considered another career path since. This event had a very profound impact on which branch of the military I wanted to serve in. My first air show was held at an Air Force base and that became my branch of choice for the next several years. As I entered high school I made the switch to serving in the United States Navy. I felt that the Navy could offer me more of what I’m looking for in my career in the military. I want to be given the chance to challenge myself in successfully landing an aircraft on a carrier, and continue to uphold the three core values of honor, courage, and commitment.

As I progressed through high school I began exploring my options on how I will receive my commission. I decided that I would attend college and obtain my commission through officer candidate school. My first two application reviews didn’t result in a professional recommendation and I became rather discouraged. Rather than accepting defeat I continued to improve on my application by becoming more active at my university. The beginning of my junior year I was approached by one of my professors about becoming a mentor to freshman engineering students. I accepted because these individuals helped me in the past and I felt I could do the same for someone else. My role was to guide new students get through their first year in engineering. I would help prepare these students for exams, guide them through difficult assignments, and share with them my past experiences as an engineering student. I mentored for the rest of my junior year and handed it off to a fellow student. I did this because the top fifth of our senior class were handpicked by four professors to start and engineering honor society (Tau Beta Pi) at our university. We are currently in the middle of a two year process to establish a chapter that would greatly benefit current and future students with scholarships and company networking for employment opportunities.

I have put many years into preparing myself for this moment and I’m ready to lead the men and women of the United States Navy. I believe my academic record and perseverance exemplifies my dedication and commitment. Throughout these endeavors I have gained insight and experience from family, friends, and colleagues that will greatly assist me in the future. If given this opportunity, I feel I can greatly contribute to the United States Navy and this nation as a whole. Thank you for your consideration.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Here is my revision based on the recommendations I received. Let me know what you guys think of it.

I was ten years old when I saw my first military aircraft do a performance at a local air show. At that very moment I was captivated with aviation and I have never considered another career path since. This event had a very profound impact on which branch of the military I wanted to serve in. My first air show was held at an Air Force base and that became my branch of choice for the next several years. As I entered high school I made the switch to serving in the United States Navy. I felt that the Navy could offer me more of what I’m looking for in my career in the military. I want to be given the chance to challenge myself in successfully landing an aircraft on a carrier, and continue to uphold the three core values of honor, courage, and commitment.

As I progressed through high school I began exploring my options on how I will receive my commission. I decided that I would attend college and obtain my commission through officer candidate school. My first two application reviews didn’t result in a professional recommendation and I became rather discouraged. Rather than accepting defeat I continued to improve on my application by becoming more active at my university. The beginning of my junior year I was approached by one of my professors about becoming a mentor to freshman engineering students. I accepted because these individuals helped me in the past and I felt I could do the same for someone else. My role was to guide new students get through their first year in engineering. I would help prepare these students for exams, guide them through difficult assignments, and share with them my past experiences as an engineering student. I mentored for the rest of my junior year and handed it off to a fellow student. I did this because the top fifth of our senior class were handpicked by four professors to start and engineering honor society (Tau Beta Pi) at our university. We are currently in the middle of a two year process to establish a chapter that would greatly benefit current and future students with scholarships and company networking for employment opportunities.

I have put many years into preparing myself for this moment and I’m ready to lead the men and women of the United States Navy. I believe my academic record and perseverance exemplifies my dedication and commitment. Throughout these endeavors I have gained insight and experience from family, friends, and colleagues that will greatly assist me in the future. If given this opportunity, I feel I can greatly contribute to the United States Navy and this nation as a whole. Thank you for your consideration.

The first part make it seem as if the Navy is your second choice, in addition many pilots may not land on a carrier, you don't know the path you will get.

They know you are applying again, you will have a letter of reconsideration in the application they will see so why duplicate info.

I would concentrate on the statement talking about being a Naval Officer, if you are trying to impress the board about wanting to be a pilot be aware often no pilots sit the board! It just has to be 3 officers.

 

[Tonkovich.J]

round three, I'm getting close

I was ten years old when I saw my first military aircraft do a performance at a local air show. At that very moment I was captivated with aviation and I have never considered another career path since. This profound event is why I will stop at nothing to achieve a commission as a United States Naval Officer. This is a career that will allow me to serve from within an organization whose three core values of honor, courage, and commitment I strive for in my own life. Combined with my own abilities and attributes I believe that I can make a good leader.

The foundation of my leadership ability was developed during my junior year. I was approached by a professor about the possibility of becoming a mentor to freshman engineering students. I accepted because these individuals helped me and I felt I could do the same for someone else. During my one-year tenure my role was to guide new students through their first year in engineering. I would help prepare these students for exams, help them through difficult assignments, and share with them my past experiences as an engineering student. This was a great responsibility and I learned as much from them as they did from me.

My current activity is starting an engineering honor society chapter (Tau Beta Pi) at my university. This is a team effort amongst the chosen top fifth of my senior class, and this type of environment is where I fit right in because of the ten years of playing baseball. We are currently in the middle of a two year process to establish a chapter that would greatly benefit current and future students with scholarships and company networking for employment opportunities.

Throughout these endeavors I have gained insight and experience from family, friends, and colleagues that will greatly assist me in the future. As a Naval Officer I plan to use this experience in leadership to instill these values into the men and women I hope to serve along side. If given this opportunity, I look forward to a successful career in the United States Navy and serving this great country as a Naval Officer.

 

[Ravenfn89]

I am working on putting my package together by the first week of Feb, and just finished a first draft of my motivational statement, and am looking for any advice that anyone would be will to offer, thanks
A career as an Officer in the United States Navy would open doors to a life that would be otherwise unobtainable. Having a profound respect for the men and women who have served, and who continue to serve our country only elevates the honor, and privilege it would mean to be a part of this distinguished community. Coming from a family where my father, uncle, cousin have served in the military I have seen firsthand what a life in the military means as well as the sacrifices needed to make this commitment.
Having an intense desire from an early age to serve my country, and the drive to live my life by a certain code of conduct, one of accomplishment, honor, and a commitment to excellence furthers my ambition to become a Naval Officer. One of the most importance aspects of leadership is the ability to make decisions when you are presented with limited information and given a small amount of time to produce positive results. As a three year captain of my high school football team, as well as serving as an assistant coach and offensive coordinator at the high school level I have experienced what it means to be put into pressure situations when the outcome of a game or season can come down to your decision. Through these situations I believe I have developed a stronger sense of leadership that will allow me to instill similar leadership qualities among the men and women that would follow me, so that when it is their turn to lead they will be prepared to do so.
It is through administrative and leadership positions with several organizations including the Naval Academy Athletic Association that a career as an Officer in the United States Navy would provide me with the opportunity to demonstrate my ability to motivate, and work with others, making myself not only as asset to the Navy, but also to those with whom I would serve. Being the first person in my family to graduate from college is something that I take pride in, however becoming a Naval Officer is the greatest honor I could provide for my family and myself.

 

[villanelle]

Your second sentence has some weird punctuation happening. Your commas aren't necessary. The following sentence should have an d"and" before "cousin" and a commad between "military" and "I" would be good.

Seeing another comma issue in the first sentence of the second paragraph, I'm not going to continue that sort of edit. Instead, I'll just say that you should take this to an English teacher is you are in high school (or find someone in the English department who will do a good copy edit it you are in or near a college). A skim tells me that in addition to punctuation, there are some parallel structure type grammer issues (e.g "As a 3 yr captain" doesn't match up with "as well as serving". They should be structured the same so you either served as a captain and asst. coach, or you were a captain and an assistant coach.) Give it a good grammar, usage, and punctuation scrubbing and once you are done with that, if you want to PM me I'll do a more serious copy edit for you to see if I find anything else.

Bigger picture, it seems kind of... forgetable. Having given it one quick read, I take away the fact tha tyou want to be an officer and you were involved inhigh school football. Neither of those things are terribly remarkable, especially without some work on your part to show us what they mean about you, what you learned from them, etc.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

I am working on putting my package together by the first week of Feb, and just finished a first draft of my motivational statement, and am looking for any advice that anyone would be will to offer, thanks
A career as an Officer in the United States Navy would open doors to a life that would be otherwise unobtainable. Having a profound respect for the men and women who have served, and who continue to serve our country only elevates the honor, and privilege it would mean to be a part of this distinguished community. Coming from a family where my father, uncle, cousin have served in the military I have seen firsthand what a life in the military means as well as the sacrifices needed to make this commitment.
Having an intense desire from an early age to serve my country, and the drive to live my life by a certain code of conduct, one of accomplishment, honor, and a commitment to excellence furthers my ambition to become a Naval Officer. One of the most importance aspects of leadership is the ability to make decisions when you are presented with limited information and given a small amount of time to produce positive results. As a three year captain of my high school football team, as well as serving as an assistant coach and offensive coordinator at the high school level I have experienced what it means to be put into pressure situations when the outcome of a game or season can come down to your decision. Through these situations I believe I have developed a stronger sense of leadership that will allow me to instill similar leadership qualities among the men and women that would follow me, so that when it is their turn to lead they will be prepared to do so.
It is through administrative and leadership positions with several organizations including the Naval Academy Athletic Association that a career as an Officer in the United States Navy would provide me with the opportunity to demonstrate my ability to motivate, and work with others, making myself not only as asset to the Navy, but also to those with whom I would serve. Being the first person in my family to graduate from college is something that I take pride in, however becoming a Naval Officer is the greatest honor I could provide for my family and myself.

The first sentence makes it seem as if you are using the Navy as a stepping stone, would you go to Apple/Microsoft and say "a job here will open doors for me later on". I am aware that not ever person that joins the Navy stays in for a career but I would hope they come in with an open mind.

 

[Mavy]

Hey all- on the Officer Application, there is a box right before the Personal Statement box that is entitled "Applicant's Response." What should I put there?

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Hey all- on the Officer Application, there is a box right before the Personal Statement box that is entitled "Applicant's Response." What should I put there?

It actual says "applicant's remarks", it is for anything that doesn't fit above.

 

[yakboyslim]

The first sentence makes it seem as if you are using the Navy as a stepping stone, would you go to Apple/Microsoft and say "a job here will open doors for me later on". I am aware that not ever person that joins the Navy stays in for a career but I would hope they come in with an open mind.

When I read it I didn't get that feeling, but that is just me personally. In fact I would have to disagree that it felt forgettable as someone else said too, I actually found it more telling of your leadership potential than most moti statements.

However, it has grammar and spelling issues (my apologies but I am too lazy to point them out individually). You are applying for an opportunity to become a Naval Officer. Though I really like the talk about your high school football, the part where you mention the Athletic Association rubbed me the wrong way. It sounded like you were applying just to play football. You will have much bigger opportunities to lead than on the football field.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

When I read it I didn't get that feeling, but that is just me personally. In fact I would have to disagree that it felt forgettable as someone else said too, I actually found it more telling of your leadership potential than most moti statements.

However, it has grammar and spelling issues (my apologies but I am too lazy to point them out individually). You are applying for an opportunity to become a Naval Officer. Though I really like the talk about your high school football, the part where you mention the Athletic Association rubbed me the wrong way. It sounded like you were applying just to play football. You will have much bigger opportunities to lead than on the football field.

That sentenced could be clarified or supported with other statements to change how it is read, I would not have said that if feedback from a person who had sat boards had not discussed it with me before.

 

[yakboyslim]

That sentenced could be clarified or supported with other statements to change how it is read, I would not have said that if feedback from a person who had sat boards had not discussed it with me before.

Fair enough, just trying to give another take on it, wasn't trying to disprove or devalue your statement. I read the sentence to say that he was saying the Navy could give him an exciting life - not necessarily in the private sector.

FWIW though, I was accepted with a very similar statement in my motivational statement and with a moti statement that did not sound at all like I was interested in being a career guy.

 

[twobecrazy]

When I read it I didn't get that feeling, but that is just me personally. In fact I would have to disagree that it felt forgettable as someone else said too, I actually found it more telling of your leadership potential than most moti statements.

However, it has grammar and spelling issues (my apologies but I am too lazy to point them out individually). You are applying for an opportunity to become a Naval Officer. Though I really like the talk about your high school football, the part where you mention the Athletic Association rubbed me the wrong way. It sounded like you were applying just to play football. You will have much bigger opportunities to lead than on the football field.

I agree with NavyOffRec. The first time I read it that is exactly what I thought. Ravenfn89's statement tells me more about what expects the Navy will do for him versus what he will bring to the Navy and why the Navy should choose him/her. Due to this perception it is easy to make the distinction between using it as a stepping stone. While it is entirely possible that he/she will use the Navy as a stepping stone that is not the message an applicant wants to convey.

Concerning the forgettable statement made previously. I agree with it as well. This is the one thing in the entire application that allows the board to "hear" the applicant. When I read the statement I wasn't inspired. I didn't think during the entire statement that this is someone I need to work with. I am no expert but if I have issues with a statement I can only imagine what the board would think.

 

[twobecrazy]

Fair enough, just trying to give another take on it, wasn't trying to disprove or devalue your statement. I read the sentence to say that he was saying the Navy could give him an exciting life - not necessarily in the private sector.

Nobody will ever bash anyone for giving another take on these statements. In fact, the more the merrier...

FWIW though, I was accepted with a very similar statement in my motivational statement and with a moti statement that did not sound at all like I was interested in being a career guy.

I don't think anyone here or in the Navy is naive enough to think the Navy expects to only get career sailors. You don't need to sound like you are wanting to be a career guy. But you don't want to seem as though you are going to leave immediately. While I didn't get the same feeling as NavyOffRec concerning career versus 1 and done I did feel as though the statement didn't convey the appropriate message. The statement needs more emphasis on the "big 3." Why the Navy should choose him/her over another applicant? What he/she brings to the Navy? Finally, why they want to be a Naval Officer? Those are the building blocks that many here try to emphasize in their statement and it seems to work.

 

[yakboyslim]

The statement needs more emphasis on the "big 3." Why the Navy should choose him/her over another applicant? What he/she brings to the Navy? Finally, why they want to be a Naval Officer? Those are the building blocks that many here try to emphasize in their statement and it seems to work.

Absolutely agree that this was not emphasized enough. I felt a little bit of the other two, but not why they want in the Navy.