Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[villanelle]

I agree that it needs major changes. You spend more time talking about your family thatn you do yourself. While they were a major influence and I understand that you want the board to see where you desire to serve is rooted, spending 1/5 of your statement on gramp's bio seems ill-advised.

Also, your final paragraph is full of platitiudes and comes off as a contrived. "My attitude is something that makes me who I am, and that's all I know how to be." What?! Not only it is completely trite, it also doesn't actually say anything. What does that statement even me? That you can't be anyone but yourself? I'm pretty sure that a statement like this falls firmly under "needless to say". Charles Manson can't be anyone but who he is either. And I think the same it true for, well, everyone. Like with Grandpa's bio, this statement--and much of that paragraph--doesn't tell us anything about you or why you'd make a good officer.

And things like stating you've never failed (really? Never at anything? You didn't lose in the dodgeball tournament in 2nd grade, or fail to get the hot cheerleader you were lusting after to let you inside her sweater, or misspell 'circumlocutional' in a heartbreaking upset in the junior high spelling bee?) and that you don't plan on it now really are just empty platitudes.

Then there are some weird things, like the mention of your "route" without telling us what you do. Are you a newspaper delivery boy or one of those kids who rings my doorbell asking me to buy a cnady bar? You don't necessarily have to state what you do, but if you don't, then I think dangling info about your route without specifiying leaves a weirdly unanswered question.

And there are some weird grammar/usage issues in that paragraph. "...using the schooling the Navy has given my family already building atop with what started with my forefathers" The "already building atop with what "part is confusing and awkward and incorrect. This is also the sentence with the incorrect punctuation I referred to before.

In my (non-subject matter expert) opinion, the best statements have a unifying vision (or maybe 2-3 items, but they always have a focus). Like all those papers you've no doubt written in high school English class, they need to have a thesis, or at least an implicit thesis. Why do you want to be an officer, and what is it about you that you think makes you a strong candidate? Answer that, and you'll have your thesis/focus. Then write a statement where every sentence (heck, every phrase and even every word) furthers your goal of getting the board to see that focus. You don't have a lot of words to make this vision clear, so I mean it when I say that during your edits you need to look at each word and decide whether it is actively working for you.

It seems like you feel your family legacy is important, so that would be something to focus on. You've also got some unusual experience workin gin politics, and I get the sense you feel that is important and something that helps you stand out. So those are a place to start. Try writing a paragraph about family legacy (which mentions your grandfather and father, yet focuses on how their influence shaped you and how you have taken their stories and integrated them into your value system). Then write a paragraph about your experience at the good Senator's office, and tell us how that shaped you, how it stoked your desire to join the Navy, and how you can use those experiences if you are selected for a commission.

Do that, and you'll have a damn good start.

 

[twobecrazy]

I agree that it needs major changes. You spend more time talking about your family thatn you do yourself. While they were a major influence and I understand that you want the board to see where you desire to serve is rooted, spending 1/5 of your statement on gramp's bio seems ill-advised.

Also, your final paragraph is full of platitiudes and comes off as a contrived. "My attitude is something that makes me who I am, and that's all I know how to be." What?! Not only it is completely trite, it also doesn't actually say anything. What does that statement even me? That you can't be anyone but yourself? I'm pretty sure that a statement like this falls firmly under "needless to say". Charles Manson can't be anyone but who he is either. And I think the same it true for, well, everyone. Like with Grandpa's bio, this statement--and much of that paragraph--doesn't tell us anything about you or why you'd make a good officer.

And things like stating you've never failed (really? Never at anything? You didn't lose in the dodgeball tournament in 2nd grade, or fail to get the hot cheerleader you were lusting after to let you inside her sweater, or misspell 'circumlocutional' in a heartbreaking upset in the junior high spelling bee?) and that you don't plan on it now really are just empty platitudes.

Then there are some weird things, like the mention of your "route" without telling us what you do. Are you a newspaper delivery boy or one of those kids who rings my doorbell asking me to buy a cnady bar? You don't necessarily have to state what you do, but if you don't, then I think dangling info about your route without specifiying leaves a weirdly unanswered question.

And there are some weird grammar/usage issues in that paragraph. "...using the schooling the Navy has given my family already building atop with what started with my forefathers" The "already building atop with what "part is confusing and awkward and incorrect. This is also the sentence with the incorrect punctuation I referred to before.

In my (non-subject matter expert) opinion, the best statements have a unifying vision (or maybe 2-3 items, but they always have a focus). Like all those papers you've no doubt written in high school English class, they need to have a thesis, or at least an implicit thesis. Why do you want to be an officer, and what is it about you that you think makes you a strong candidate? Answer that, and you'll have your thesis/focus. Then write a statement where every sentence (heck, every phrase and even every word) furthers your goal of getting the board to see that focus. You don't have a lot of words to make this vision clear, so I mean it when I say that during your edits you need to look at each word and decide whether it is actively working for you.

It seems like you feel your family legacy is important, so that would be something to focus on. You've also got some unusual experience workin gin politics, and I get the sense you feel that is important and something that helps you stand out. So those are a place to start. Try writing a paragraph about family legacy (which mentions your grandfather and father, yet focuses on how their influence shaped you and how you have taken their stories and integrated them into your value system). Then write a paragraph about your experience at the good Senator's office, and tell us how that shaped you, how it stoked your desire to join the Navy, and how you can use those experiences if you are selected for a commission.

Do that, and you'll have a damn good start.

Pretty much exactly what I was thinking... Well said!

 

[mjv305]

As I have grown in the United States Navy, so have my goals, potential and capabilities. It is my strongest desire not only to make a career of the Navy, but to give the Navy the absolute best I have to offer.
As an enlisted sailor, one of the most important lessons I have experienced is one must first learn to follow before they can lead. I have witnessed firsthand how effective leadership positively transforms the lives of young sailors and was taught the importance of hard work, dedication and that a true leader leads by example. I have learned that leadership is the single most important ingredient in a successful team and that taking care of your sailors is the number one priority. It is my strongest desire to take this knowledge I have attained as a subordinate and bestow it onto my sailors and colleagues alike to better their lives and accomplish the mission. It is my utmost duty as a leader to ensure the Navy’s greatest resource, our people, are utilized to their fullest potential.
I will always use the wisdom and experience that I have attained from my years as an enlisted sailor and the interaction with my officers in charge as a guide in leading my sailors. It is my firm belief that I can make a positive contribution to the United States Navy as a Naval officer and with a strong conviction say I am ready to face the challenges that lie ahead.

 

[twobecrazy]

As I have grown in the United States Navy, so have my goals, potential and capabilities. It is my strongest desire not only to make a career of the Navy, but to give the Navy the absolute best I have to offer.
As an enlisted sailor, one of the most important lessons I have experienced is one must first learn to follow before they can lead. I have witnessed firsthand how effective leadership positively transforms the lives of young sailors and was taught the importance of hard work, dedication and that a true leader leads by example. I have learned that leadership is the single most important ingredient in a successful team and that taking care of your sailors is the number one priority. It is my strongest desire to take this knowledge I have attained as a subordinate and bestow it onto my sailors and colleagues alike to better their lives and accomplish the mission. It is my utmost duty as a leader to ensure the Navy’s greatest resource, our people, are utilized to their fullest potential.
I will always use the wisdom and experience that I have attained from my years as an enlisted sailor and the interaction with my officers in charge as a guide in leading my sailors. It is my firm belief that I can make a positive contribution to the United States Navy as a Naval officer and with a strong conviction say I am ready to face the challenges that lie ahead.

It is better. There are still some issues that I will address in depth later this afternoon. For instance you keep repeating "and" throughout your statement. Also, there is issues with the content in a couple of spots. How much more time do we have before it needs to be turned in?

 

[twobecrazy]

I am using the copy you sent to me via PM and worked it here so others can add on to what I am saying if they wish.

As I have grown in the Navy, so have my goals, potential and capabilities. It is my strongest desire not only to make a career of the Navy, but to give the Navy the absolute best I have to offer.

Alright so I would add something like this to begin your statement.

In (insert year you joined), I decided to join the Navy as (insert rate). As I have grown in the Navy, so have my goals, potential, and capabilities. I wish to continue this growth by becoming a United States Naval Officer.

As an enlisted Sailor, one of the most important lessons I have experienced is one must first learn to follow before they can lead.

Good.

I have witnessed firsthand how effective leadership positively transforms the lives of young Sailors and was taught the importance of hard work, dedication and how a true leader leads by example. I have learned that leadership is the single most important ingredient in a successful team and that taking care of your Sailors in that team is the number one priority. It is my strongest desire to impart this knowledge that I have attained onto my Sailors and colleagues to enrich their lives and more efficiently accomplish the mission. It is my utmost duty as a leader to ensure the Navy’s greatest resource, our people, are utilized to their fullest potential.

You continue to use "and" too often in this statement. I am making the changes below in italics. You also seem to forget commas while listing. Also, you add too much fluff.

I have witnessed firsthand how effective leadership positively transforms the lives of young sailors. I was taught the importance of hard work, dedication, and leading by example. Leadership is the single most important ingredient in a successful team. Taking care of sailors in that team is the number one priority. It will be my strongest desire and utmost duty as their leader to ensure the Navy's greatest resource, our people, achieve their goals.

I will always have the wisdom and experience that I have attained from my enlisted time and the interaction with my officers in charge as a guide to aid me when leading my future Sailors. It is my firm belief that I can make a positive contribution to the United States Navy as an officer and with a strong conviction believe I am ready to face the challenges that lie ahead.

I have obtained experience and wisdom from interacting with subordinates, colleagues, and officers that will aid me in the future. I am ready to face the challenges that lie ahead. If given this opportunity, I will continue to make a positive contribution to the United States Navy as an Officer.

I don't have all the time presently to explain why I did things a certain way due to your time constraints but what do you think?

 

[Tonkovich.J]

Hey guys, I will be applying SNA for the third time this upcoming spring. I was working with my recruiter on updating paperwork when I decided to make some additions to my motivational statement. I'm an engineer and we all know were not known for our writing prowess. I interested in what many of you think about my motivational statement and any changes/additions you recommend. Thanks

I’m writing to state my full intentions on why I’m choosing to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy. One reason is my desire to serve and be a part of something greater than myself. The other is my lifelong goal of becoming an officer and naval aviator.
My preparations for my future began while I was in high school. I strove to maintain high standards in my studies in order to be accepted into a well known university. My hard work and diligence paid off and I was admitted to Purdue University’s school of mechanical engineering. Currently I’m in my senior year and progressing very well and I owe a lot of my success to the teachings I received from my parents. They instilled in me at a very young age to put hard work into everything that I do. Aside from my parents, my grandfather is the next most influential person in my life. From the first moment I expressed my interest in aviation he has always been there to offer support. When he was around my age his dream was to be a railroad engineer, but he couldn’t because he wore glasses. I feel that this experience in his life is why my grandfather and I are very close. He knows from past personal experiences what continues to motivate me towards achieving my goal.
Prior to my current situation, my first attempt at becoming an officer was when I sought admission to the United States Naval Academy. I applied during my senior year of high school and eventually was not granted an appointment. Upon receiving the bad news I thought that my future was ultimately decided. However, as I looked further into careers in the Navy I learned of other paths to a commission. I decided on attending college and then reporting to Officer Candidate School to receive my commission. During my sophomore year in college I began networking with a recruiter to help with my application for OCS. My first attempt to securing a professional recommendation occurred on March of 2010 and I was not selected. On the advice of my recruiter I worked on improving any weak spots in my application. This ultimately led to my next board review which occurred August 2011. The results of this board also yielded a non-selection, which leads to my third and hopefully last review of my application.
I have put many years into preparing myself for this moment and I’m ready to lead the men and women of the United States Navy. I believe my academic record and willingness to not be turned down exemplifies my dedication and commitment. Throughout these endeavors I have gained insight and experience from family, friends, and colleagues that will greatly assist me in the future. If given this opportunity, I feel I can greatly contribute to the United States Navy and this nation as a whole. Thank you for your consideration.

 

[villanelle]

That first sentence is a waste of words. It's a motivational statement; they know why you are writing it. If you were giving an instructive speech of some kind, that is a useful tactic. In an essay, especially an essay to answer a specifc question, it is a waste of time.

I've said this before, but when you write these things, you have limited words to prove that you are better than hundreds of other people with similar statistics, vying for the same limited spots. Every. Single. Word. should further that goal.

You have a lot of wasted words. Even the stuff abotu grandpa and his dreams and his glasses says nothing about you. If you want to use that because it motivated you in some way, then you need to frame it from your point of view. What did you learn from his story? How did that shape you?

Likewise, the bio about your Academy application is just a list of facts. You need to make it tell us something about you, what kind of person you are, and why you are a good candidate for a commission. Right now, nearly your entire essay is a list of facts. "I did this, and then that happened, which led to this other thing." You need to show us *who* you are, not tell us what you've done. Your last paragraph sort of takes a stab at this, but it is much to little, much to late.

Nearly everything you've written is a level too shallow. You mention a lifelong dream of being an naval aviation. Guess what, 3/4 of the people competing with you have that same dream. Having the dream isn't enough, and telling us you have the dream isn't enough. You need to tell us why that's your dream. What about it appeals to you? And what is is about you that makes you fit for that dream? Likewise, you say you are fit to lead the men and women of the USN. But stating it isn't enough. Show us; what makes you fit to lead them? And what led to those attributes in you?

Start over. Decide on a few (2-4) things that make you a strong candidate and are key in having shaped you into the person you are. Perhaps your relationship with your grandpa and what you've learned from him is one thing. Likewise, maybe your prior rejections are another, if they taught you something and helped you become a stronger person and candidate. Once you've decided on a few things, brainstorm about how those things made you who you are, with a focus on what that says about you as a potential Naval Aviator. Did you learn from Gramps the importance of exhausting every option and following your dreams? Did you learn from the rejections that you are resilient and flexible?

Then, come up with an opening. Typically, it seems people open with why they are drawn to NA. There are other options, but that one seems solid. Then, give each of your 2-4 points from above a paragraph, and follow those with something that ties together why you feel you are better than the hundreds of other guys nipping at your heels.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Hey guys, I will be applying SNA for the third time this upcoming spring. I was working with my recruiter on updating paperwork when I decided to make some additions to my motivational statement. I'm an engineer and we all know were not known for our writing prowess. I interested in what many of you think about my motivational statement and any changes/additions you recommend. Thanks

I’m writing to state my full intentions on why I’m choosing to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy. One reason is my desire to serve and be a part of something greater than myself. The other is my lifelong goal of becoming an officer and naval aviator.
My preparations for my future began while I was in high school. I strove to maintain high standards in my studies in order to be accepted into a well known university. My hard work and diligence paid off and I was admitted to Purdue University’s school of mechanical engineering. Currently I’m in my senior year and progressing very well and I owe a lot of my success to the teachings I received from my parents. They instilled in me at a very young age to put hard work into everything that I do. Aside from my parents, my grandfather is the next most influential person in my life. From the first moment I expressed my interest in aviation he has always been there to offer support. When he was around my age his dream was to be a railroad engineer, but he couldn’t because he wore glasses. I feel that this experience in his life is why my grandfather and I are very close. He knows from past personal experiences what continues to motivate me towards achieving my goal.
Prior to my current situation, my first attempt at becoming an officer was when I sought admission to the United States Naval Academy. I applied during my senior year of high school and eventually was not granted an appointment. Upon receiving the bad news I thought that my future was ultimately decided. However, as I looked further into careers in the Navy I learned of other paths to a commission. I decided on attending college and then reporting to Officer Candidate School to receive my commission. During my sophomore year in college I began networking with a recruiter to help with my application for OCS. My first attempt to securing a professional recommendation occurred on March of 2010 and I was not selected. On the advice of my recruiter I worked on improving any weak spots in my application. This ultimately led to my next board review which occurred August 2011. The results of this board also yielded a non-selection, which leads to my third and hopefully last review of my application.
I have put many years into preparing myself for this moment and I’m ready to lead the men and women of the United States Navy. I believe my academic record and willingness to not be turned down exemplifies my dedication and commitment. Throughout these endeavors I have gained insight and experience from family, friends, and colleagues that will greatly assist me in the future. If given this opportunity, I feel I can greatly contribute to the United States Navy and this nation as a whole. Thank you for your consideration.

The following items are what I tell my people to use, experiences of leadership (under what circumstance did you lead them, and what did you learn, experiences of community service (giving back and how that made you feel), what you can contribute, and what you will get from your service.

The people that I and another OR have had that used the following as a guide have had an excellent selection rate, right about 80%, I had a few with low GPA's that even with a good motivation statement weren't selected.

If I remember you had a great GPA and PFAR, and you are on your 3rd try? I have had people with much lower GPA's get picked up on the same boards.

 

[leigh321]

I used this forum a lot during my application process. I applied to Supply and SWO BDCP back in 09. I got lucky and got them both on my first shot - maybe my statement can be of some use. Keep in mind, I was 19 when I wrote this. Looking back, I realize that everyone references their grandpa's awesomeness and cites it as a motivation (probably should have cut down on that part)...

A deep sense of patriotism and gratitude towards our armed forces were two values instilled in me at an early age. As a young girl, I spent every weekend at the nearby VA, where my grandfather, an Auschwitz survivor, spent the final seven years of his life. Indebted to the troops that freed him, he chose to enlist in the United States Army once he immigrated to America. His wartime tales were inspirational and awakening. Indebted to my country, I choose to apply to the United States Navy in hopes of serving as an officer.

Of the five military branches, the Navy has always seemed like my natural fit. I grew up in a small coastal town in South Georgia. I knew the best method to hook a snapper and could easily dock a 25-foot open fisherman by age eight. As a child, I was fascinated with international affairs and policy; I have also worked hard to become fluent in Spanish. I long to travel, and am most comfortable at sea. Moreover, the Supply Corps would allow me to apply my business education and mentality.

I understand that such an honor requires a strong work ethic. Last spring, I competed in my university's Research and Creativity Forum. I lead a group of six students to create an in-depth business plan, which revitalized and revamped a local charity’s gala. This project required extensive research, frequent meetings with the Children’s Home Society, and diverse team management. Of the fifteen entries in our division, we received first place. This past summer I worked in the fiscal department of the VA Medical Center. As an intern, I led a group of four other individuals to accomplish meaningful tasks, including timekeeping audits, insurance processing, and the transfer to an electronic employee database. My propensity to take initiative and lead would be an asset to the Navy.

It is time that I act on my patriotic values. Working daily with veterans similar to my grandfather further instilled my desire to serve. Stories of Normandy and Korean warfare tactics were commonplace, and I finalized my decision to apply as an officer. I was inspired; I wanted to be a part of a significant organization that brought about change in the world. I seek a commission in order to satisfy the sense of loyalty and moral obligation that I feel towards my country.

 

[Tonkovich.J]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I never was a good writer, especially when it comes to talking about myself. I will revise my essay and let you guys critique my second draft.

 

[yakboyslim]

A good idea would be to focus on what you have improved since your first application; I would think persistence and improvement show the presence of motivation as well as the specific improvements being selling points.

Also like others have said take some time to explain your motivation, saying it is a dream is kind of a "no duh" statement. Dig deep, explaining motivation is hard especially if you have had the dream for a long time, but genuine motivation is easy to see in a well written statement.

BTW your stats are solid. Hope it goes well.

 

[Tonkovich.J]

I will have my second draft up shortly but I'm having trouble with one part. When I mentioned before that I didn't get appointed to Annapolis it was because of my congressman's office. I had everything all turned in that the academy required but I was still in the process of getting a congressional recommendation. His local office gave me the run around for about two months. I called his academy appointment handler everyday for two months and even visited his office several times. However, all that I got out of this guy is that we are looking into it and well contact you. Eventually too much time went by and the academy already made their selections. I don't know how I should write this because I don't want to sound like I'm blaming a sitting US Congressman in my motivational statement. Any suggestions on how I should word this?

 

[exNavyOffRec]

I will have my second draft up shortly but I'm having trouble with one part. When I mentioned before that I didn't get appointed to Annapolis it was because of my congressman's office. I had everything all turned in that the academy required but I was still in the process of getting a congressional recommendation. His local office gave me the run around for about two months. I called his academy appointment handler everyday for two months and even visited his office several times. However, all that I got out of this guy is that we are looking into it and well contact you. Eventually too much time went by and the academy already made their selections. I don't know how I should write this because I don't want to sound like I'm blaming a sitting US Congressman in my motivational statement. Any suggestions on how I should word this?

Yes, don't. It isn't relevant to this application, and it sounds as if your application wasn't complete due to the congressman, so did you get an actual letter saying you were reviewed and not selected? Normally applications missing any items are not even reviewed.

 

[Tonkovich.J]

The only thing I remember was getting a letter that said we can't accept your appointment at this time. I thought this and the other two board reviews would show my continued perseverance. I will probably just leave out the academy application from my statement.

 

[Tonkovich.J]

The following items are what I tell my people to use, experiences of leadership (under what circumstance did you lead them, and what did you learn, experiences of community service (giving back and how that made you feel), what you can contribute, and what you will get from your service.

The people that I and another OR have had that used the following as a guide have had an excellent selection rate, right about 80%, I had a few with low GPA's that even with a good motivation statement weren't selected.

If I remember you had a great GPA and PFAR, and you are on your 3rd try? I have had people with much lower GPA's get picked up on the same boards.

I think my last two board results were because of bad timing. At my first board I was in my sophomore year applying for BDCP. This was around the time when that program was up for question given the financial situation. My second attempt I was in my first semester of my senior year. From my understanding this was around the time when they changed direct appointment to the last six months instead of the last year of college. At least this was what my recruiter told me