Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[OUSOONER]

Officer first, pilot second. This is the attitude I would bring with me into the Navy. Gradually becoming an effective leader by learning from my enlisted, colleagues, and superiors, I would uphold the core values of the Navy – Honor, Courage, and Commitment. These can be applied in many ways to an individual. For me, honor, is being held accountable for my actions and making the correct ethical and moral decisions that I will be faced with. Honor is representing myself, my family, the Navy, and my country in the best possible way. Courage- it builds off of honor, like I previously mentioned, making the unpopular choice when it is not the ethical choice. This in itself is courage, it does not have to always come from the battlefield. Commitment- being commited to maintaining the core values as well as see the mission through. Commitment to my sailors, the Navy, and being committed to improving myself in all aspects of life each and every day.

I have been a part of a team my entire life through sports, the navy just seems a natural fit for me. The history is rich, John Paul Jones and the Battle of Midway being a couple of examples. Unlike other branches, I am drawn to the Navy’s “whole person concept” when selecting potential officers and enlisted. I am not a 4.0 student. Fault no-one but myself, I know what it is like to fail and more importantly, I know what it is like to face failure and turn it into success. Because of poor grades, I took a year off from school and learned some valuable lessons. I have maintained two steady jobs simultaneously for over two years as well as an internship and doing very well in a full academic course load over these two years. I have recommitted to becoming a scholar and an individual of moral character, which has brought me very close to my family, friends, and my fiancé. I have taken on all aspects of life with a different attitude and approach. I have learned that studying, paying a credit card on time, keeping a clean house, paying bills, and keeping commitments are all related and not separate. It’s about all of these things combined in becoming a good person; an accountable person.

Being Iranian-American, I witnessed first-hand what this country can do for someone. My parents were afforded the opportunity to make a decent living which allowed me to get a good education. Apart from being drawn to aviation at an early age, it has always been my dream to one day become a naval aviator and lead men and women in the United States Navy, and I would like to give back to this country that gave so much to my family by serving and at the same time, doing what I love. Being selected as an officer candidate, I would be under no illusions that the journey is complete and that I could now celebrate. I would instead be looking at it as a chance to show that I made it this far and that everything is just beginning. The only easy day was yesterday. I am eager to be given the chance to pursue the wings of gold, but more importantly, a chance to become a distinguished commissioned officer in the United States Navy.

* minus the CAPS and a couple revisions that I spotted myself...any input appreciated. I need to take 100 words out of it though..since im at like 550.

 

[a-6intruder]

Officer first, pilot second. This is the attitude I would bring with me into the Navy. Gradually becoming an effective leader by learning from my enlisted, colleagues, and superiors, I would uphold the core values of the Navy – Honor, Courage, and Commitment. These can be applied in many ways to an individual. For me, honor, is being held accountable for my actions and making the correct ethical and moral decisions that I will be faced with. Honor is representing myself, my family, the Navy, and my country in the best possible way. Courage- it builds off of honor, like I previously mentioned, making the unpopular choice when it is not the ethical choice. This in itself is courage, it does not have to always come from the battlefield. Commitment- being commited to maintaining the core values as well as see the mission through. Commitment to my sailors, the Navy, and being committed to improving myself in all aspects of life each and every day.

I have been a part of a team my entire life through sports, the navy just seems a natural fit for me. The history is rich, John Paul Jones and the Battle of Midway being a couple of examples. Unlike other branches, I am drawn to the Navy’s “whole person concept” when selecting potential officers and enlisted. I am not a 4.0 student. Fault no-one but myself, I know what it is like to fail and more importantly, I know what it is like to face failure and turn it into success. Because of poor grades, I took a year off from school and learned some valuable lessons. I have maintained two steady jobs for over two years as well as an internship and doing very well in a full academic course load over these two years. I have recommitted to becoming a scholar and an individual of moral character, which has brought me very close to my family, friends, and my fiancé. I have taken on all aspects of life with a different attitude and approach. I have learned that studying, paying a credit card on time, keeping a clean house, paying bills, and keeping commitments are all related and not separate. It’s about all of these things combined in becoming a good person; an accountable person.

Being Iranian-American, I witnessed first-hand what this country can do for someone. My parents were afforded the opportunity to make a decent living which allowed me to get a good education. Apart from being drawn to aviation at an early age, it has always been my dream to one day become a naval aviator and lead men and women in the United States Navy, and I would like to give back to this country that gave so much to my family by serving and at the same time, doing what I love. Being as an officer candidate, I would be under no illusions that the journey is complete and that I could now celebrate. I would instead be looking at it as a chance to show that I made it this far and that everything is just beginning. The only easy day was yesterday. I am eager to be given the chance to pursue the wings of gold, but more importantly, a chance to become a distinguished commissioned officer in the United States Navy.

* minus the CAPS and a couple revisions that I spotted myself...any input appreciated. I need to take 100 words out of it though..since im at like 550.

I like your discussion about whole person approach.

Since you are tight on words, I think you can address the Honor - Courage - Commitment more succinctly:

"Gradually becoming an effective leader by learning from my enlisted, colleagues, and superiors, I would strive to uphold the core values of the Navy – Honor, Courage, and Commitment. In various ways, these three words boil down to one philosophy - being held accountable for my actions. That personal accountability is what interests me most about the Navy. Blah, Blah, Blah..."

"I have taken on all aspects of life with a different attitude and approach." What, exactly, does that mean? Different how? Different in a "bad" way? Do you mean "positive" attitude and approach?

Same guidance applies to others - review your use of "I have" and see where you can make it more active tense. Five of your sentences in paragraph two begin with "I have." For the most part you write complex sentences, that's why the "I Have" paragraph really stands out in a bad way.

This sentence "I have been a part of a team my entire life through sports, the navy just seems a natural fit for me. " should read "I have been a part of a team my entire life through sports; the Navy just seems a natural fit for me." Note semicolon and caps for Navy.

Don't get creative w/ font style. Times New Roman or Courier are the standards.

 

[OUSOONER]

noted.. I need to use the KISS approach while at the same time still getting my point across. Thanks for the input.

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

Paragraphs are your friend.

 

[OUSOONER]

Paragraphs are your friend.

Well, my paragraphs consist of around 5-6 sentences each. Perhaps my sentences run-on too much thus making each paragraph look too fat? If that is the case, like I said previously, feel free to give some tips because I do need to compact it but still get the same message across.

 

[OUSOONER]

MODS... recommend moving this thread to here --> http://www.airwarriors.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142053

 

[CUBUFFS4134]

Round Two

After reading Sooner's, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Instead, I peeled myself off of the pavement and am ready for round two. Hope this is better.

It is my honor to apply for a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy. I believe that it takes a unique respect for the freedoms and liberties we are afforded to make this step. My grandfather, at seventeen, enlisted in the Marines and was a tank driver on Iwo Jima. Spending time with him taught me that one must make sacrifices in appreciation for the many opportunities that we are given; that we must not sit back and wait for others to take action. I am blessed to be a citizen of this great country, and hope to serve while exhibiting the core values of the United States Navy- honor, courage, and commitment.
During high school summers, I was a counselor at the Association for Retarded Citizens Civitan camp. Providing constant care for the mentally challenged taught me to truly appreciate how fortunate I am. While volunteering at Aldersgate Christian Mission, I mentored at-risk youth in areas such as successful study habits, time management, and conflict resolution. As a student, I maintained a high GPA while lettering in three varsity sports. Due to my strong academics and athletic abilities, I was chosen as an All-Area Academic honoree. My teachers and administrators nominated me for the Wendy’s High School Heisman, an award given by Dave Thomas to an athlete showing excellence on the field and strong volunteer initiative in their community.
I graduated from the University of Colorado-Boulder in December 2007. Though my GPA was less than stellar, I participated in Undergraduate Research Day, publishing a case study in Cognitive Psychology. I was an avid backcountry skier, mountaineer, and climber, reaching the summit of one of Colorado’s fourteen thousand foot peaks in winter conditions. As a lecture note volunteer for the Learning Disabled Department during summer courses at the University of Southern Mississippi, I exhibited the selflessness that is vital for the greater good.
To make myself more competitive for officer selection, I enrolled in private flight training, and in five weeks successfully completed ground school and my initial check ride for a Private Pilot’s License. Given the chance to lead young sailors will allow me to continue to build my leadership ability and mature through the best training this world has to offer. I am totally committed to that objective and will apply as many times as it takes to be given the chance for a commission.

 

[OUSOONER]

haha was that a compliment or did my writing style and word usage induce that type of reaction?

 

[a-6intruder]

After reading Sooner's, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Instead, I peeled myself off of the pavement and am ready for round two. Hope this is better.

It is my honor to apply for a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy. I believe that it takes a unique respect for the freedoms and liberties we are afforded to make this step. My grandfather, at seventeen, enlisted in the Marines and was a tank driver on Iwo Jima. Spending time with him taught me that one must make sacrifices in appreciation for the many opportunities that we are given; that we must not sit back and wait for others to take action. I am blessed to be a citizen of this great country, and hope to serve while exhibiting the core values of the United States Navy- honor, courage, and commitment.
During high school summers, I was a counselor at the Association for Retarded Citizens Civitan camp. Providing constant care for the mentally challenged taught me to truly appreciate how fortunate I am. While volunteering at Aldersgate Christian Mission, I mentored at-risk youth in areas such as successful study habits, time management, and conflict resolution. As a student, I maintained a high GPA while lettering in three varsity sports. Due to my strong academics and athletic abilities, I was chosen as an All-Area Academic honoree. My teachers and administrators nominated me for the Wendy’s High School Heisman, an award given by Dave Thomas to an athlete showing excellence on the field and strong volunteer initiative in their community.
I graduated from the University of Colorado-Boulder in December 2007. Though my GPA was less than stellar, I participated in Undergraduate Research Day, publishing a case study in Cognitive Psychology. I was an avid backcountry skier, mountaineer, and climber, reaching the summit of one of Colorado’s fourteen thousand foot peaks in winter conditions. As a lecture note volunteer for the Learning Disabled Department during summer courses at the University of Southern Mississippi, I exhibited the selflessness that is vital for the greater good.
To make myself more competitive for officer selection, I enrolled in private flight training, and in five weeks successfully completed ground school and my initial check ride for a Private Pilot’s License. Given the chance to lead young sailors will allow me to continue to build my leadership ability and mature through the best training this world has to offer. I am totally committed to that objective and will apply as many times as it takes to be given the chance for a commission.

Nicely done. significant improvement over first draft.

1st para: change to "...many opportunities we are given; we must not sit back..."

"...hope to serve while exhibiting the core values of the United States Navy- honor, courage, and commitment." Still seems awkward. Try something like "...hope to serve in an organization that takes pride in the core values of honor, courage, and commitment."

3rd para: Get rid of "Though my GPA was less than stellar," there's no need to put yourself on report and they will be able to see your GPA on other documents.

"Sailors" should be capitalized. I know the Marines will pitch a fit, but it is the accepted style and has been for a few years now, although most in the Navy seem to have not yet read the memo...

Final sentence: "I am totally committed to that objective and will apply as many times as it takes to be given the chance for a commission." Seems a bit desparate and like you are resigned to failure on this Board. Consider rewording to "I am totally committed to that objective and eagerly look forward to my commissioning and the opportunity to serve my country as an officer in the United States Navy."

Or something along those lines. You're getting warmer...

 

[LazersGoPEWPEW]

Motivational Statement Part 437524

I know there are a bunch of motivational statement threads, but before it is merged with another thread I would like for it to be reviewed and criticized. I've been thinking about this for awhile and really want to make it lean and mean. This is my first draft. Feel free to make any suggestions. I'll repost it as I make major changes that were suggested.

Here goes....

It is my greatest desire to serve as a commissioned officer in the United States Navy. I have spent considerable amounts of time looking at the numerous options available to me to serve my country and above all stands the Navy. Members of my family have served proudly in the armed forces and by their example I have come to understand the importance of service to my country. I not only desire but feel that is my duty to serve my country and that not doing so is to not utilize my potential to the maximum.

My motivation for seeking a commission is derived in part by my interest in aviation and my area of study at my university. I feel that the Navy offers the best opportunity to fulfill my goals that I have set out for myself, namely to become a commissioned officer in order to lead sailors.

My leadership experience is broad. I have led students on my campus as a resident assistant. As a former Army ROTC cadet I held numerous leadership positions in garrison and in the field. I was assigned to be a Platoon Sergeant in garrison and performed my duties with excellence; in the field I led other cadets in squad tactical exercises and received excellent ratings for leadership and motivation while satisfactorily completing the mission. I have also served as Treasurer in the Residence Hall Association on campus and have participated in the World Affairs Organization. I feel that my experiences leading young people have reinforced my motivation to become a Naval Officer.

My passion for aviation has been nurtured from a young age due to me growing up in an aviation family where everyone in my family has worked in some capacity with aircraft. My grandfather who himself was a Naval Aviator in the 1950s has shown me the opportunity the Navy can provide to someone starting with very little. I want to uphold the Navy core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment in everything I do. I believe that I possess the leadership skill and the will to succeed to be a Navy officer and would be honored to be able to obtain a commission.

 

[a-6intruder]

A different option. Compare side by side, keep what you like, discard what you don't.
- - -

It is my greatest desire to serve as a commissioned officer in the United States Navy. After a thorough review of the options available for me to serve my country, the Navy clearly stands at the top. Several members of my family have served proudly in the armed forces, so I understand the importance of service to my country. I believe it is my duty as an American.

My motivation for seeking a commission is derived in part by my interest in aviation and through my studies at my university. Naval aviation in particular interests me because it combines the challenge of flying with the opportunity to provide leadership and mentorship to Sailors.

My leadership experience is broad. I led students on my campus as a resident assistant. As a former Army ROTC cadet I held numerous leadership positions in garrison and in the field. I was assigned to be a Platoon Sergeant and performed my duties with excellence; during maneuvers, I led other cadets in squad tactical exercises and received excellent ratings for leadership and motivation while satisfactorily completing the mission. I served as Treasurer in the Residence Hall Association on campus and participated in the World Affairs Organization. I feel my experiences leading young people reinforce my motivation to become a Naval Officer.

I grew up in a family where everyone worked in aviation in some capacity. My grandfather was a Naval Aviator in the 1950s; he showed me the Navy can provide limitless opportunity to anyone, even if they start with very little other than motivation to succeed. I want to uphold the Navy core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment and believe I possess the leadership skills and attitude necessary to make a positive impact as an officer in the United States Navy.

 

[LazersGoPEWPEW]

I appreciate that a lot. Good changes. Does anyone think it should go all the way to 400 words. It seems like if you can keep it lean that would make sense right?

 

[Schnugg]

You penned him a winner there...nice corrections. Really cleaned it up.

 

[SkidGear]

Yet another motivational statement

This is a ver very rough edition of my statement. These are just a few ideas that I threw together to start one, so tear it apart.


I have always lived my life with the concept of "Your word is your Bond." There is only two things that a person takes with them when they die: your last name "honor" and your word "integrity." I have always lived by this and I want my work to reflect that.

Currently, I am flying helicopters doing commercial photo/survey/sightseeing flights. I have approximently 900 hours PIC rotorcraft. I love the idea of serving for a purpose. I want my career to be rewarding and meaningful. Sure some people would say that flying helicopters in the private sector is a very rewarding, both finalcially and purposefully. I want more. I want to go to work everyday knowing that what I am doing is serving the greater good and making a difference.

Just as a Carrier Task Force portrays strength and detereance, a helicopter can be viewed as a sign of hope and deterrance depending on the situation. It represents a presence of authority that supercedes the helicopter and that is of the United States Navy, something that is far greater than any one person.

I will serve with such diligence and dedication that I will demand it reflected by both my peers, crew and subordiantes. I have always been afiliated with a team. I have played sports since I was four, I played sports to get me through college on an athletic scholarship. I have always used sports as a way to hone in on my leadership abilities. Sports is just like life where it can bring out the best and worst of a person. It can show the character of any indivual, by showing them percevere or give in. Teamwork is the lifeblood of everything, without it nothing worthwhile will flourish. This is what I will bring to the Navy. The ablitity to lead and to overcome all obstacles for the betterment of the team. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer of the United States Navy.


i understand the spelling is bad but my cpu sucks and i had to rewrite this 3x...the spelling will be corrected..this is just a start, thanks for the input

 

[SkidGear]

This is a very very rough edition of my statement. These are just a few ideas that I threw together to start one, so tear it apart.


I have always lived my life with the concept of "Your word is your bond." There are only two things that a person takes with them when they die; your last name "honor" and your word "integrity." I have always lived by this and I want my work to reflect that.

Currently, I am flying helicopters doing commercial photo/survey/sightseeing flights. I have approximently 900 hours PIC rotorcraft. I love the idea of serving for a purpose. I want my career to be rewarding and meaningful. Sure some people would say that flying helicopters in the private sector is a very rewarding, both finacially and purposefully. I want more. I want to go to work everyday knowing that what I am doing is serving the greater good and making a difference.

Just as a Carrier Task Force portrays strength and deterrance, a helicopter can be viewed as a sign of hope and deterrance depending on the situation. It represents a presence of authority that supercedes the helicopter and that is of the United States Navy, something that is far greater than any one person.

I will serve with such diligence and dedication that I will demand it reflected by both my peers, crew and subordiantes. I have always been affiliated with a team. I have played sports since I was four, I played sports to get through college on an athletic scholarship. I have always used sports as a way to hone in on my leadership abilities. Sports is just like life where it can bring out the best and worst of a person. It can show the character of any individual, by showing them percevere or give in. Teamwork is the lifeblood of everything, without it nothing worthwhile will flourish. This is what I will bring to the Navy. The ablitity to lead and to overcome all obstacles for the betterment of the team. It would be an honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer of the United States Navy.


i understand the spelling is bad but my cpu sucks and i had to rewrite this 3x...the spelling will be corrected..this is just a start, thanks for the input

by the way applying for SNA only