Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[AGpilot08]

Thanks everyone for the help! I swear this site is one of the best tools out there for us wannabe naval aviators to get the best gouge around. Just as a last measure, I've posted my "motivational statement" [section VIII. of NAVCRUIT 1131/2 (Rev. 5-06)] for all of you to either kindly critique or to rip this wannabe SNA a new one, take your pick. The prompt is simply, "Utilizing the space provided, in 400 words or less, state why you are seeking a commission." Amazingly enough, the essay I've written is exactly 400 words (gotta love Microsoft Word and it's handy word count tool!) Again, I appreciate all the help.
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[FONT=&quot]To The Powers That Be,

I have wanted to serve in the military as a pilot ever since I was five years old and saw the Blue Angels at an airshow that I attended with my father. Since that first airshow I have loved the thrill of flying, and though many people think I'm crazy for it, to this day I still run outside whenever I hear helicopters or jets flying overhead. At first all I ever wanted was to be shot off the bow of an aircraft carrier in a fighter jet like the F/A-18, and though I still do, at this point I will do whatever it takes just to be in the Navy whether I'm in the air or not.
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[FONT=&quot]Graduation is just around the corner for me in a few semesters, and I cannot imagine myself flying a desk for the rest of my life. I believe that to be successful I need to be in an environment where I have ample opportunity to grow, excel, and really get my hands dirty rather than work on the sidelines hoping to move up to management one day, and I feel that serving as an officer in the Navy is the best way for me to achieve these needs. I can only see myself serving my country in the Navy as a naval aviator, leading other sailors and Marines, experiencing the world firsthand, and living out the dreams I've had since childhood.
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[FONT=&quot]If I don't make it into the Navy, I know that I will not be half the man I could have been had I made it, but if I'm not selected this first go around, rest assured I'll keep trying until I make it in or until I reach the maximum age limit. I will not give up on my dreams when I am this close to attaining them! However, I realize that this is not a decision that is mine to make. All I can hope for is that you will find this application and brief essay of words, which have come straight from the bottom of my heart, motivating enough for you to give me a fighting chance to achieve what I believe I am destined to become. Thank you for considering me to serve as an officer in the greatest navy in the world--the mighty United States Navy!

Very Respectfully,

-AGpilot08[/FONT]

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[skim]

I put my comments in caps, not to yell but for me to be lazy and not have to enter quotes or colors.

[FONT=&quot]To The Powers That Be, LOSE THIS LINE

AS A CHILD, I REMEMBER GOING TO AN AIRSHOW AND WATCHING THE BLUE ANGELS. UPON MEETING THE PILOTS, THEIR PROFESSIONALISM AND DEMEANOR AS AN OFFICER INSPIRED ME TO BE THE SAME (TYPE SOMETHING LIKE THAT ANYWAYS) Since that first airshow I have loved the thrill of flying, and though many people think I'm crazy for it, to this day I still run outside whenever I hear helicopters or jets flying overhead. At first all I ever wanted was to be shot off the bow of an aircraft carrier in a fighter jet like the F/A-18, and though I still do, at this point I will do whatever it takes just to be in the Navy whether I'm in the air or not. FOCUS MORE ON WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN OFFICER THAN FLYING. YOU TRY AND COMPENSATE AT THE END BUT...
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[FONT=&quot]Graduation is just around the corner for me in a few semesters, and I cannot imagine myself flying a desk for the rest of my life. I believe that to be successful I need to be in an environment where I have ample opportunity to grow, excel, and really get my hands dirty rather than work on the sidelines hoping to move up to management one day, and I feel that serving as an officer in the Navy is the best way for me to achieve these needs. I can only see myself serving my country in the Navy as a naval aviator, leading other sailors and Marines, experiencing the world firsthand, and living out the dreams I've had since childhood. WHAT CAN YOU OFFER THE NAVY??
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[FONT=&quot]If I don't make it into the Navy, I know that I will not be half the man I could have been had I made it, but if I'm not selected this first go around, rest assured I'll keep trying until I make it in or until I reach the maximum age limit. (DEDICATION SOUNDS GOOD, BUT THIS IS A BIT MUCH)I will not give up on my dreams when I am this close to attaining them! However, I realize that this is not a decision that is mine to make. All I can hope for is that you will find this application and brief essay of words, which have come straight from the bottom of my heart, motivating enough for you to give me a fighting chance to achieve what I believe I am destined to become. Thank you for considering me to serve as an officer in the greatest navy in the world--the mighty United States Navy! YOU PLEAD TO MUCH

Very Respectfully,

-AGpilot08[/FONT]

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[AGpilot08]

Thanks Skim! I really appreciate the constructive criticism. The things you pointed out were exactly the same things I was considering changing for the same reasons.

If there's anyone else out there that would like to add anything, feel free to do so. Thanks again!

 

[nugget81]

This is what I wrote:

...words... Notice how I included a .jpg in my essay? How many applicants do that? HUH?? Didn't think so. ...words

V/R
Skim

Sorry skim, but you're over the 400 word limit. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words

 

[OUSOONER]

Sorry skim, but you're over the 400 word limit. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words

agreed...i just sent them an autographed picture of this...and i pro-rec'd CNATRA...ive been waiting for my final select almost 3 years now...and nobody answers my phone calls...hmmm...

 

[mtsupilot09]

Motivational Statement

The person I am today is the result of many people striving to build my character up. Through many experiences my father has taught me values such as strong work ethic, responsibility, leadership skills, time management and punctuality. I have travelled all over the world and seen some of the poorest places on Earth. Through my travels, I have gained invaluable perspective on what really matters. I am able to look at all kinds of situations with a different point of view, because of my life experiences. I also carry this attitude with me to work. I am responsible for about 30 servers and 15 cooks in a fine dining restaurant. I am daily tested in situations at work which require leadership under pressure, quick decision making and perfect time management. On top on my 40+ hour a week schedule, I also attend college full time. Balancing these two has proved challenging, but I have been able to do both. Through volunteer work with various ministries, I have gained valuable people skills that I also use daily in the classroom and at work. Through these life lessons, I have become an adult capable of many things, but I realize my potential for growth. I know I have potential to do extraordinary things in my life. However, I am only able to do these things through certain outlets that allow me to accomplish extraordinary things. I feel that the best outlet for me to achieve my highest level of excellence is as an Officer in the United States Navy. This is something that has persuaded decisions in my life for the past year at least and will continue to become an even larger factor until I realize the dream of becoming a United States Navy Officer. I am motivated and dedicated to seeing this dream come to fruition. Through serving one’s country there is no higher honor. I strive to become an Officer in the United States Navy because my values and life experiences have shown me what matters and what does not. What the Navy does matters and I desire to be a part of that.




Tell me what you guys think. Thanks.

 

[FLYTPAY]

Have an English major revise the wording as some of it comes off awkward. Tell more about your father's influence to include some specific details and instances. Where on Earth did you travel to, what did you see specifically? Mention the life lessons you refer to. You sort of sound like a Lawrence of Arabia who does not want to give details on his adventures! Overall, I see alot of "buzz phrases" with no examples to back them up.

 

[gitsi610]

So it is completely tacky to mention family members that are pilots in the essay? (I'm asking for my husband who is currently underway). We talked about what he would say on his essay and he said something about mentionng that his grandfather was a pilot in WW2 (Royal Navy) and his great-grandfather was also a pilot and flight instructor in WW2. Should he just steer clear of that altogether?

 

[donsauga]

don't steer away from it completely, but don't turn the essay into a digression of his grandfather's life. it would be better to breifly mention it, and tie it in somehow, such as... my grandfather was a man of great integrity, and the pride he took in his blah blah blah has greatly influenced me in wanting to be a blah blah blah, then he should redirect the essay and mention how those characteristics have prepared him for who he is today, and how these characteristics will prepare him for what is to come. but then again i don't know what they are really looking for, but maybe this helped?

 

[CUBUFFS4134]

Motivational Statement for OCS

The following is my motivational statement for OCS. I am applying for the July 2008 board with the Navy, and would appreciate any suggestions. I wanted to include something about my grandfather, who at 17, drove a tank onto Iwo Jima, or my father who fostered my love for aviation. However, 400 words is pretty short. Let me know what you guys think. Thank you.

It is my honor to apply for a commission as an officer in the United States Navy. I believe that it takes a unique respect for the freedoms and liberties we are afforded to make this step. I am dedicated to becoming a contributing member of a team that provides those freedoms for our country and other countries seeking that goal. I have been instilled with a feeling of duty and respect for those who have come before me. Throughout my life, I have sought positions of leadership and have excelled in reaching my ambitions efficiently and effectively. Given the chance to lead other young men will allow me to continue to build my leadership ability and mature through the best training this world has to offer. Being an officer is a goal that few ever achieve. The freedom of the seas is humbling to anyone who has experienced it. I will prove my ability to learn quickly, excel as a leader and team member, and show that I have what it takes to be a successful United States Navy officer.
Upon completion of my degree requirements at the University of Colorado, I moved back to my home state of Mississippi and began training for my private pilot’s license. Quickly learning the dynamics of flight, I completed my training and check ride in five weeks. Throughout the process, my desire and goals to be a career pilot grew exponentially. I have proven that I have the necessary skills and knowledge to successfully complete a civilian pilot program, in an expedited fashion, while currently finishing my instrument rating. As each new day began with hours in an airplane, I truly realized that serving my country is my calling in life. Given the opportunity, I will be a successful United States Navy aviator.
It is inconsequential which aircraft, base, or mission I am given. Being a military officer is my career choice, and if I am privileged to become a member of the greatest naval force in the world, my dreams will be fulfilled. I respectfully request to attend Officer Candidate School in the United States Navy. I have been denied a commission before, yet am determined to reach my goals. I am totally committed to that objective and will apply as many times as it takes to be given the chance for a commission.

 

[FLYTPAY]

Yawn

g

It is my honor to apply for a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy. I believe that it takes a unique appeciation for the freedoms and liberties we are afforded to make this committment. I am dedicated to becoming a contributing member of a team that provides those freedoms for our country and other countries seeking that goal. I have been instilled with a sense of duty and respect for those who have come before me. Throughout my life, I have sought positions of leadership and have excelled in reaching my goals efficiently and effectively. Given the chance to lead other young men and women will allow me to continue to build my leadership abilities and mature through the best training our country has to offer. Becoming an officer is an oppurtunity that few people are ever afforded. (The freedom of the seas is humbling to anyone who has experienced it.Delete) I will prove my ability to learn quickly, excel as a leader, and show that I have what it takes to be a successful United States Navy officer.
Upon completion of my degree requirements at the University of Colorado, I moved back to my home state of Mississippi and began training for my Private Pilot’s License. Quickly learning the dynamics of flight, I completed my training and obtained my license in five weeks. Throughout the process, my desire and goals to be a combat pilot grew exponentially. I have proven that I have the necessary skills and learning ability to quickly and successfully complete a civilian aviation rating. As each new day began with hours in an airplane, I realized that serving my country as a Naval Officer is my calling in life. Given the opportunity, I will be a successful United States Naval Aviator.
( It is inconsequential which aircraft, base, or mission I am given. delete) Being a military officer is my career choice, and if I am privileged to become a member of the greatest naval force in the world, my dreams will be fulfilled. I respectfully request to attend Officer Candidate School in the United States Navy. I have been denied a commission before, yet am determined to reach my goals. I am totally committed to that objective and will apply as many times as it takes to be given the chance for a commission.

 

[CUBUFFS4134]

A yawn huh? Is it that terrible? Or just like everyone else's? Thanks for the suggestions though. I will make the necessary improvements.

 

[a-6intruder]

The following is my motivational statement for OCS. I am applying for the July 2008 board with the Navy, and would appreciate any suggestions. I wanted to include something about my grandfather, who at 17, drove a tank onto Iwo Jima, or my father who fostered my love for aviation. However, 400 words is pretty short. Let me know what you guys think. Thank you.

It is my honor to apply for a commission as an officer in the United States Navy. I believe that it takes a unique respect for the freedoms and liberties we are afforded to make this step. I am dedicated to becoming a contributing member of a team that provides those freedoms for our country and other countries seeking that goal. I have been instilled with a feeling of duty and respect for those who have come before me. Throughout my life, I have sought positions of leadership and have excelled in reaching my ambitions efficiently and effectively. Given the chance to lead other young men will allow me to continue to build my leadership ability and mature through the best training this world has to offer. Being an officer is a goal that few ever achieve. The freedom of the seas is humbling to anyone who has experienced it. I will prove my ability to learn quickly, excel as a leader and team member, and show that I have what it takes to be a successful United States Navy officer.
Upon completion of my degree requirements at the University of Colorado, I moved back to my home state of Mississippi and began training for my private pilot’s license. Quickly learning the dynamics of flight, I completed my training and check ride in five weeks. Throughout the process, my desire and goals to be a career pilot grew exponentially. I have proven that I have the necessary skills and knowledge to successfully complete a civilian pilot program, in an expedited fashion, while currently finishing my instrument rating. As each new day began with hours in an airplane, I truly realized that serving my country is my calling in life. Given the opportunity, I will be a successful United States Navy aviator.
It is inconsequential which aircraft, base, or mission I am given. Being a military officer is my career choice, and if I am privileged to become a member of the greatest naval force in the world, my dreams will be fulfilled. I respectfully request to attend Officer Candidate School in the United States Navy. I have been denied a commission before, yet am determined to reach my goals. I am totally committed to that objective and will apply as many times as it takes to be given the chance for a commission.

Third time trying to send this before my machine times out:

Use present, active tense - example: instead of "Throughout my life, I have sought positions of leadership and have excelled in reaching my ambitions efficiently and effectively." try "I seek positions of leadership and excel in achieving my goals."

You lead men AND women. Do not exclude them. Or, use the word "Sailors" as inclusive of both.

Ditch the flowry "the sea is a humbling..." and "as each new day began..."

State your private flying in terms the Board will appreciate: "To make myself more competitive for officer selection, I enrolled in private flight training, and in five weeks successfully completed ground school and my initial check ride." This shows motivation and ability to succeed.

"I have been denied a commission in the past..." Dont put yourself on report.

Change "career pilot" to "Naval Aviator."

"I will prove my ability to learn quickly, excel as a leader and team member, and show that I have what it takes to be a successful United States Navy officer." instead try "I am a quick study, a team player, and am ready to prove I have what it takes to succeed as an officer in the United States Navy."

There's more that needs fixing, but you get the idea. Good luck and we look forward to your next draft.

 

[OUSOONER]

" OFFICER FIRST, PILOT SECOND. THIS IS THE ATTITUDE I WOULD BRING WITH ME. GRADUALLY BECOMING AN EFFECTIVE LEADER BY LEARNING FROM MY ENLISTED, COLLEAGUES, AND SUPERIORS, I WOULD UPHOLD THE CORE VALUES OF THE NAVY- HONOR, COURAGE, COMMITMENT. THESE CAN BE APPLIED IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS TO AN INDIVIDUAL. FOR ME, HONOR IS BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY ACTIONS AND MAKING THE CORRECT ETHICAL AND MORAL DECISIONS. HONOR IS REPRESENTING MYSELF, MY FAMILY, THE NAVY, AND MY COUNTRY IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY. COURAGE - IT BUILDS OFF OF HONOR, LIKE I PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED, MAKING THE UNPOPULAR CHOICE, WHEN IT IS THE ETHICAL CHOICE. THIS SHOWS COURAGE. COURAGE DOES NOT ALWAYS HAVE TO COME FROM THE BATTLEFIELD. COMMITMENT- BEING COMMITED TO MAINTAINING THE CORE VALUES. COMMITMENT TO MY SAILORS, THE UNITED STATES NAVY, AND BEING COMMITTED TO IMPROVING IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE EACH AND EVERY DAY

I HAVE BEEN A PART OF A TEAM MY ENTIRE LIFE THROUGH SPORTS, THE NAVY JUST SEEMS A NATURAL FIT FOR ME. THE HISTORY IS RICH, SUCH AS JOHN PAUL JONES, AND THE BATTLE OF MIDWAY. UNLIKE OTHER BRANCHES, I AM DRAWN TO THE NAVY'S "WHOLE PERSON CONCEPT" WHEN SELECTING POTENTIAL OFFICERS AND ENLISTED. I AM NOT A 4.0 STUDENT WHO HAS TAKEN THE ''TRADITIONAL PATH''. FAULT NO-ONE BUT MYSELF, I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FAIL AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FACE FAILURE AND AND TURN IT INTO SUCCESS. BECAUSE OF POOR GRADES, I TOOK A YEAR OFF FROM SCHOOL AND LEARNED SOME VALUABLE LESSONS. I HAVE MAINTAINED TWO STEADY JOB FOR OVER 2 YEARS BESIDES AN INTERNSHIP AND CONTINUING MY EDUCATION. I HAVE RECOMMITTED TO BECOMING A SCHOLAR AND AN INDIVIDUAL OF CHARACTER, WHICH HAS BROUGHT ME VERY CLOSE TO MY FAMILY,FRIENDS, AND FIANCE. I HAVE TAKEN ON ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE WITH A DIFFERENT APPROACH. I HAVE LEARNED THAT PAYING A CREDIT CARD ON TIME, STUDYING, KEEPING A CLEAN HOUSE, PAYING THE BILLS, KEEPING COMMITMENTS, THESE ARE ALL RELATED AND NOT SEPARATE. IT'S ABOUT ALL OF THESE THINGS COMBINED TO BECOMING A GOOD PERSON; AN ACCOUNTABLE PERSON.

BEING IRANIAN-AMERICAN, I WITNESSED FIRST HAND WHAT THIS COUNTRY CAN DO FOR SOMEONE. MY PARENTS WERE AFFORDED THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DECENT LIVING AND ALLOWING ME TO GET AN EDUCATION. APART FROM BEING DRAWN TO AVIATION AT AN EARLY AGE IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO ONE DAY BECOME A NAVAL AVIATOR AND LEAD MEN AND WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE BACK TO THIS COUNTRY THAT GAVE SO MUCH TO MY FAMILY BY SERVING THIS COUNTRY AND AT THE SAME TIME, DOING WHAT I LOVE. BEING SELECTED AS AN OFFICER CANDIDATE, I WOULD BE UNDER NO ILLUSIONS THAT THE JOURNEY IS COMPLETE AND THAT I COULD NOW CELEBRATE. I WOULD INSTEAD BE LOOKING AT IT AS A CHANCE TO SHOW THAT I MADE IT THIS FAR AND THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST BEGINNING. THE ONLY EASY DAY WAS YESTERDAY. I AM EAGER TO BE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO PURSUE THE WINGS OF GOLD, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY A CHANCE TO BECOME A DISTINGUISHED COMMISSIONED OFFICER IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY. "

This is/was my motivational statement, apart from being in CAPS , any revision/criticism would be appreciated.

 

[OUSOONER]

okay..this just looks nasty in caps...stand by for revision