Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[nzachman]

In your last few sentences you throw out words like leadership, integrity, excellence, honor, persistence, etc... I think it would be a good idea if instead of using all those words, format your statement so that it ties in the Navy core values: honor, courage, commitment. Just a thought, that is what I did in my statement.

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

What originally interested me specifically in the Navy were the scrapbooks and diaries that he wrote about his experiences aboard his ship; men willing to leave their homes and families to go away to war to serve their country.

The above is a run-on sentence. Use a semicolon to connect two phrases that could stand on their own as sentences. The second part is a fragment and can't be used after a semicolon. Make it two sentences.

What originally interested me in the Navy were the memoirs of my grandfathers experiences aboard ship. The strength of the men willing to leave their homes and families to go war inspired me.


Cut out the word specifically. It is a misplaced modifier.

What everyone else said.

Steve

 

[Inexorable]

Good choice on making it a MEGA thread. Thanks for everyone's help with my statement.

 

[Nitekrawler]

I'm applying for the BDCP to be a SNA. Any constructive criticism welcomed. Thanks guys....

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

I am also applying and maybe you would like to check some good gouge out that I found online.

http://www.heathalvarez.com/hobbies/ocs.html

 

[mxdr]

Statement

Im just getting into the whole package stuff, this is a rough copy of my statement. Its a little over 400 any help would be great.


[FONT=&quot]Ever since I was young I have felt a calling to help people, and I feel that being
commissioned in the United States Navy is a privileged way to help accomplish
that dream. The mission of the Navy is to maintain, train and equip combat-ready
naval forces capable of winning wars, deterring aggression and maintaining freedom
of the seas; which are all things instrumental in the workings of our country.

I feel that there is no better way for me to be able to reach people and make a mark
on the world than to protect our nation’s citizens and their freedom, while being an
active part of something bigger. Through out my life I have been involved in various
sports teams and organizations and have found my most successful attribute to be
bettering myself, while working with others towards a common goal. I have never
been afraid to work hard and take a leadership position and feel that it has helped
me to mature and stay accountable for my actions.

Growing up wrestling, I have always been in prime physical condition and know that
discipline and strength are key factors in an active lifestyle. I have had the privilege of
growing up with a grandfather who was a sailor in the Navy, as well as both another
grandfather and father who were in the Marines. They have all been instrumental in
raising me and have shown me how to enjoy the benefits of a structured lifestyle.
The military gave all of them amazing opportunities and lifelong friends and from a
young age I knew that I wanted to be a part of it.

It was not until I was a little older that I decided that the Navy would be the right
branch for me. I am drawn to the Navy for its respect and versatility, not to mention
the values that they instill upon their sailors.

I am currently a rising junior at Appalachian State University, majoring in computer
science. I believe this to be a very up and coming field, as technology is a vastly
growing resource. I think that the knowledge that I am gaining each and every day
can help to make me a quick witted and versatile sailor and would be a great jump
start for my career in the navy.
[/FONT]

 

[Kickflip89]

First, grammar (these are suggestions, I'm not a grammar wizard by any means). Weird or unclear sentences are underlined.

Ever since I was young I have felt a calling to help people, and I feel that being
commissioned in the United States Navy is a privileged way to help accomplish
that dream. The mission of the Navy is to maintain, train and equip combat-ready
naval forces capable of winning wars, deterring aggression and maintaining freedom
of the seas; which are all things instrumental in the workings of our country.

I feel that there is no better way for me to be able to reach people and make a mark
on the world than to protect our nation’s citizens and their freedom, while being an
active part of something bigger. Through out(one word) my life I have been involved in various
sports teams and organizations and have found my most successful attribute to be
bettering myself, while working with others towards a common goal. I have never
been afraid to work hard and take a leadership position and feel that it has helped
me to mature and stay accountable for my actions.

Growing up wrestling, I have always been in prime physical condition and know that
discipline and strength are key factors in an active lifestyle. I have had the privilege of
growing up with a grandfather who was a sailor in the Navy, as well as both another
grandfather and father who were in the Marines. They have all been instrumental in
raising me and have shown me how to enjoy the benefits of a structured lifestyle.
The military gave all of them amazing opportunities and lifelong friends and from a
young age I knew that I wanted to be a part of it.

It was not until I was a little older that I decided that the Navy would be the right
branch for me. I am drawn to the Navy for its respect and versatility, not to mention
the values that they instill upon their sailors.

I am currently a rising junior at Appalachian State University, majoring in computer
science. I believe this to be a very up and coming field, as technology is a vastly
growing resource. I think that the knowledge that I am gaining each and every day
can help to make me a quick witted(hyphen?) and versatile sailor and would be a great jump
start for my career in the navy.
[/FONT]

As for content, it seems pretty good, looks like you've put some thought into what you want to say. I might replace a word like quick-witted with intelligent / informed / analytical / something, since quick-witted to me is kind of like saying smart @ss

The underlined sentences are just sentences that, if it were me, I would try to find a clearer / more succinct way of saying what you're trying to say. For instance instead of "Throughout my life I have been involved in various sports teams and organizations and have found my most successful attribute to be bettering myself, while working with others towards a common goal,"

You could probably say something like: "Participating in various sports teams and organizations has taught me to constantly try to better myself, as well as how to work with others towards a common goal."

Overall pretty good job...keep in mind these are just suggestions.

 

[AGpilot08]

Need help with OCS application essay.

Howdy guys!

I'm working on my application for OCS and was wondering what exactly those who review the applications are looking for on the essay. I obviously want it to stand out, but would like to avoid it sounding too desperate or too much like I'm just some kid with big dreams of flying. It would seem that with 400 words or less you really have to turn your words into pure gold. Does anyone who has been accepted have a sample essay that they wouldn't mind posting as an example to us wannabes? Any help is greatly appreciated! Thanks.

 

[BACONATOR]

This should help: http://www.airwarriors.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142053&highlight=motivational+statement

(search is your friend)

 

[donsauga]

is this the essay in which you describe the core values of the navy or your desire to earn a commission? well to tell you the truth no matter how cheesy it sounds, no one else can help you with this essay (i mean besides the grammar and such). you just need to write what you really feel, and writing from the stance as though you were once this young boy who had ambitions of flying and who has stuck with those dreams ever since, shows more personality and determination than a person who wrote an essy which was all facts and " my grandfather served, and my father, so of course this is what i should do", and other robot responses. as long as your essay is well-written, honest, and most of all sincere, it shouldn't be a problem, but what do i know? maybe they enjoy the whole robotic essay.

 

[skim]

This is what I wrote:

I have wanted to be an officer all my life, ever since watching an officer and a gentleman. I thought it was a good movie and believe that those rumors of richard gere are false. After all, doing what he did did take courage and commitment, but it certainly lacks the honor that a naval officer should have. I feel that I can be a better officer than him. He was disrespectful to his DI, allowed his friend to get suckered in by some floozy, AND became some belt buckle shining shark for all his comrades. Overall his performance was unsat and I feel that I can do much better than him. I also admire the versatility of the Navy. This leads me to not caring what I do in the Navy, after all my idol LT. Topper Harley was both a jet jock and commando. You cant beat that. Heck even Chief Casey Ryback wears the gold shoulder boards of an admiral!! See:

I also feel I would be a great officer because how many really think outside the box? Notice how I included a .jpg in my essay? How many applicants do that? HUH?? Didn't think so. SO anyways, I hope you accept me. Please accept me!! I HAVE NO PLACE ELSE TO GO!!!!!!

V/R
Skim

 

[donsauga]

i would give that essay two thumbs up. since i want to be a JAG officer if the aviation thing fails, Skim should i talk about how Demi Moore's role in A Few Good Men, was the deciding factor in my decision to go into the military, or how i thought all military men would look like Tom Cruise? New OCS thesis- 400 words or less describing what this means to you-You Can't Handle the truth!

 

[skim]

I take it youre female since Demi Moore is your inspiration. My inspiration used to be the movie "Tiger Cruise". Anyways, I wouldn't use demi moore in a few good men. She didn't seem to have the balls (no pun intended) of what makes a good JAG officer. Instead maybe use LT Sam Weinberg from the movie. He was a lot better in the movie than her. Remember when he told Cruise to wear whites?? THE MARINES SURE HAD A LAUGH AT THAT!!! Demi was the joykill in the Khakis. Plus, she seemed awfully pushy at the lunch table. I also wouldn't expect all officers to look like Cruise. No, we are more like Fabio with a crewcut.

 

[nzachman]

Just be genuine! You must have a good reason for wanting to join the services, so just tell them what it is. Ponder to yourself why you want to put yourself through all the paperwork and OCS to join up. Then sit down and just write away!

 

[donsauga]

fabio with a crewcut? should i sing in the navy you can help your fellow man...? yes i am female, and no she is not my deciding factor because she is also female, but because she always knew how to take the fun out of everything, and i figure this is something like a requirement in JAG. you know when they evalute you physically, well for JAG i think you have some obstacle course or something to see how many people's days you can ruin. the first stage is on board a carrier, and you cite drunkeness when airmen return from port, though i may be wrong with the whole process.

 

[red_ryder]

They're looking for sincerity. I hope you aren't planning on writing a bunch of pageant answers.