Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[ladiesman217]

Thanks for the reply but they already know how old I am and that Ive already graduated and have my degree so reading that would be redundant to them dont ya think? I think Naval Aviators have a tough job and its a challenge so I want to take on the challenge, whats the problem with that statement its an NSA board right?

Eh, nothing wrong. It's fine. I guess it's different for me because I applied for 2 different boards so I didn't focus on any of the jobs I applied for, but took a more general route. As far as the age and degree in there, it was in there because my OR said to put a small bit of my background and who I am. I got pro rec so I think mine was descent. It was just my tale on your statement, if others think it's fine then it is.

 

[Daniac262]

Eh, nothing wrong. It's fine. I guess it's different for me because I applied for 2 different boards so I didn't focus on any of the jobs I applied for, but took a more general route. As far as the age and degree in there, it was in there because my OR said to put a small bit of my background and who I am. I got pro rec so I think mine was descent. It was just my tale on your statement, if others think it's fine then it is.

Didnt mean to sound like a dick just asking.

 

[Daniac262]

Are you only applying for SNA? Every board you apply to see the same statement. But nvm you asked for advice what you do with it is up to you. Content and direction was fine wording and structure need work that is all were saying.

I appreciate the advice didnt mean to come off as a dick. This is just a first draft written in about an hour what is wrong with the structure? What should I change?

 

[Kyler Boeck]

I was told to make my motivational statement about why the Navy needs me and what I can do for them; make the board feel like they would be missing out if they passed over your application. I gave examples of my leadership opportunities and how they helped me grow as a person that is fit to lead. I was pro rec'd- Y in the July 15 board for SWO. I also never mentioned whether I wanted pilot/nfo/swo, kept it general. Just my two cents.

 

[ladiesman217]

Didnt mean to sound like a dick just asking.

Oh no you didn't sound as such. Don't worry. As Mr Spenz was saying, every board you apply to you uses the same motivational statement. So if you're applying for let's say SNA and SWO but you talk about taking on the challenge of being a Naval Aviator, that whole paragraph would be come irrelevant if you applied to SWO. However, saying something like this (I made it up):

"My father was a Naval Aviator. The challenges he faced and overcame as an officer of the Navy aspired me to do the same; I too want to lead others to become something greater, I too want to be in the forefront with my comrades in defending freedom and Democracy around the world. Through hard work and steadfast dedication I will succeed in surpassing those challenges, utilizing the knowledge and skills I have attained to serve my country and the United States Navy."

This would not limit your motivational statement to Aviation, but opens it up to show that you are eager to be an officer. It also shows that not only you have something to offer to the Navy but that the Navy has something to offer you, which is the challenge and the opportunity to lead others (a mutualistic symbiotic association if you will; a win-win situation). So I would say direct your motivational statement towards you wanting to be a Navy Officer more so than speaking of the job you're applying for; being a Navy Officer in general requires "extremely hard work and steadfast dedication."

 

[ladiesman217]

If chosen to service as an officer, I will work day and night to serve both my country and my fellow sailors. I will work with the same level of honor, courage, and commitment that American sailors throughout history have worked at. I will honor my great grandfather’s memory by living up to the high standards that members of the “greatest generation” set during World War II. I will show courage both in battle and in the decisions I make as a leader. I will remain committed to the Navy’s mission, my fellow sailors, and our country. It is these values that make the United States Navy the strongest fighting force in history, and I pledge to uphold them to the fullest. If chosen to serve with, and to lead, some of the finest men and women in the world, it will be the greatest honor of my life. Thank you for considering my application.

I would suggest re-wording it to something like "As an officer of the Navy" rather than "If chosen to service as an officer." In my opinion you want to be assertive and confident that you're going to be a Navy Officer. Speak with certainty.

 

[Mr Spenz]

I agree. I wouldn't include your dad. Name it about only you. Write a draft get it edited by a professor or someone and go from there. I went through 10 edits before I was confident submitting it.

 

[DIVO]

Motivational statements need to follow this format:

Intro - why you are interested
Characteristic of yourself - solid example - RELATE to being an officer (this will show the board you understand what you are getting into)
Repeat three times
Strong closing.

If you have a diverse background or diverse experience-- explain why that is important! It should relate to the Navy. Show them you understand the importance of cultural understanding... As we become a more global force, it is important to have a grounded understanding of different cultures. Blah blah blah...

I've been doing this job for a long time. If you preach, the board will assume you have no experience no one wants to be preached to.... Don't mention Top Gun or the Blue Angels.

Think like the board and you should do fine. Your recruiter should think like the board too... If you really want the job, sell yourself.

 

[Michael Meyer]

Motivational Statement:
Joining the Navy is about repaying the freedoms that were given to me at birth by those who have served before me. I see wearing the uniform as a chance to ensure that those freedoms I enjoy are passed onto the next generations to come. These freedoms have become values, values that have been installed into my body and mind, just like the values possessed by my father and grandfathers before me. These privileges come with the weight of deeds done by past, current and future Navy sailors. I have the ability to stand among the brave men and women who have served, and those that will. The challenges that are brought on from my choice to become a Navy Officer serve to test me mentally and physically, but I will endure. In the years leading up to joining the Navy, I have sought to challenge my abilities to the fullest of my potential. I tested my mind in high school in debate and afterward became a judge for the debate competition to help mentor the next wave of students. I sharpened my body and will by competing in two Ironman Triathlons. During each race I would be tested as far as I could push myself. After completing both triathlons, I created the Florida International University Triathlon Team to help guide others on their dreams to compete. My leadership yielded fruit when several of my teammates crossed the finish line for the first time. I naturally assume leadership position when a calling is made. I helped tutor and teach my senior level class to help fellow classmates on their final project. As I have grown older my discipline and dedication have only increased, as I am always looking forward to my next challenge. For me, the Navy Officer program is a start to a test to become a better man.

Thank you all for your help!

 

[CTRDEP]

Hey guys I am apply to be a commissioned officer and wanted a little constructive criticism on my motivational statement before I submit it. I would like some help on a good opening sentence and any Ideas would be welcome.

Serving in the united states military is a privilege and I wish to serve as a Navy officer and proud member of the world's greatest Navy. I have family that has served and currently serving in the military and it is my turn to carry on the family tradition by defending freedom and democracy around the world. My goal is to become a U.S Naval officer and lead naval sailors with honor & integrity . Throughout my life I have been in a position to serve my community and lead others and I believe now is the time to take the skills I have learned to the Navy where I can continue to grow as an individual and leader while serving my country. There is a continual learning process to leadership and I know the Navy is the place to learn while serving my country. The life of a sailor is filled with daily challenges and I believe that I am capable of overcoming them through hard work and dedication two attributes that I apply in all aspects of my life. I obtained my bachelors degree while working two jobs to pay for my education both of which gave me experience leading and serving my community. While in college I was a residential advisor to the students in university housing and was directly responsible for the well being of 51 students. I was duty bound to enforce campus safety regulations, organize events, and address student problems. My position made me responsible for the well being of my floor where I maintained a safe and orderly environment. The second Job I held was for the campus police department as a student patrol officer where it was my responsibility to assist the police in crime prevention, criminal apprehension, campus security, and patrols. The experience that I gained from working with the police force taught me how to respond to crisis situations, make justified command decisions when warranted, and work in inclement weather. Working both jobs while obtaining my education taught me leadership, work ethic, and time management skills. After my graduation I took the skills that I learned and applied them to my current profession as a substance abuse counselor where I am currently obtaining my licensure. I chose to be a counselor in the field of addictions because it was an opportunity to help others change their life and to be a positive impact on my community. It is my responsibility to teach life skills, discipline, and work ethic to people trying to change their lives in a positive direction. The skills I teach my clients are similar to the core values of the Navy because by practicing honor, courage, and commitment they can change their lives and be upstanding citizens. Although I enjoy helping others and being a role model in my community I couldn't resist the call of the Navy. I made the best decision of my life and enlisted in the Naval reserves as a cryptologic technician (CTR). I enlisted to rise to the challenge of the Navy and serve my country whenever & wherever they need me. The experiences that I have had and the people I have met in the D.E.P has assured me that the Navy is the right branch of service for me because I will have the honor of working with dedicated individuals. The petty officers and officers I met have all inspired me to apply as a commissioned officer. I believe that through the three principals of Honor, courage, and commitment that all challenges can be overcome. If selected to become a Naval officer I would contribute a level head, communication skills, magnanimity, integrity and dedication. It has been my pleasure to have served my community by helping those less fortunate now it is my privilege to serve my country as a proud member of the United States Navy.

 

[AmericanJoe]

Hey guys, only my second post, but would appreciate any feedback. Bring the heavy gloves!!

Thanks!

-Joe

There are many obvious reasons why any man or woman would want to become an Officer in the Navy such as patriotism, service, or the expansion of freedom. But the Navy also represents an extremely unique and individual offering. In the Navy, one has the opportunity to serve two very distinct needs simultaneously and fulfill both of those needs with unparalleled satisfaction and results. To be an Officer in the Navy gives men the chance to establish themselves by developing the most qualified of candidates into the completely exceptional. In like manner, through the process of self development and personal growth, an Officer in the Navy supports the individuals and societies around him. This complimentary process is what has allowed the United States Navy to be a true global force for good for well over 200 years and is why I desire to be commissioned as an Officer. In essence, I am looking to become a Navy officer so that I might be among the best of the best that builds themselves and their teams in order to develop and serve the United States and also the world at large.

There has been a natural pattern of leadership in my life. Taking community college classes in high school, I would insist on being group leaders with my classmates that were often times at least eight years older than me. In college I pledged a fraternity and was instantly voted to be the fourth highest position on the executive committee (Treasurer), a position usually reserved for members with at least three years of chapter experience. I have held a job and worked since I was 16 and been completely financially independent since 18. From my Father I have been instilled with the principles of hard work and determination, believing that "the only security in life is what you can go out, kill, and drag home yourself." From my Mother I learned to be generous to those in need by volunteering at Soup Kitchens throughout high school, and giving of my time to our church when man hours were needed. And of course, like so many in our nation, I was raised in an extremely patriotic household that fostered in me a deep sense of pride in the values and traditions with which the United States were founded.

The culmination of this background and outlook on my future life are what lead me to the Navy, but my desire to further develop leadership skills after college graduation is what lead me to apply for commissioning as an Officer. Because of my young age, aptitude, and determination to make this goal a reality, I believe that I would be a very strong candidate for Officer Candidate School. The appeal of earning a commission is obviously exciting to many and I would fully devote the next years of my life to this if given the opportunity. I am eager to begin my career in the Navy and am willing to be used in whatever capacity I can best serve.

 

[villanelle]

If the reasons are obvious, then you wouldn't need to list them. Delete that word. "Man or woman" is cumbersome. "Person" is perfectly sufficient. "The Navy represents an [...] offering", is awkward and doesn't really say anything. What are you trying to get at with that? That the Navy offers things other organizations don't? Whatever it is you want to say, just say it rather than trying to redeem as many expensive words as possible. Also, you mention two needs but then it isn't clear what you are claiming those needs are. You "gives men" sentence probably needs to be made gender neutral. Also, that sentence seems to switch perspective. "To be Navy gives men the chance to establish themselves" is discussing it as though one is looking at the candidate, but then you switch to having the Navy be the main actor because it is the one doing the "developing". The while sentence is kind of a hot mess and is way over-written. "Joining the Navy is an opportunity to establish oneself and grow from being merely a qualified candidate to being exceptional." Try something like that, though to be honest, the sentence really doesn't say very much or offer much insight into you or why you think you are a better candidate than someone else. Have you ever heard anyone [who didn't sound like a tool] use the phrase, "in like manner"? Strive to write more like you speak and less like you want to sound fancy and impressive. Again, what does this sentence say about you or about the way you view the Navy? Paraphrased, it says, " by becoming better, an officer helps people". Okay. So what? Are you saying that you want to help people and that doing so is an important part of your value system, which is why you aspire to be a Naval officer? Then say that. Otherwise, you are kind of just listing facts about the Navy. "Complimentary process"--complimentary to what? The last sentence of the paragraph is hard to follow. "In essence, I am looking to become an Naval officer so that I may partner with other talented, dedicated individuals to serve the United Staes and the world at large" is much easier to follow and a similar sentiment (I think?), but it still says very little. "Serve the U.S and the world" is pretty ambiguous. You can to better.

In general, you have a strong tendency to overwork and overwrite things and they end up being hard to follow and a lot of fancy words that don't say much. It might serve you well to paraphrase each sentence as though you were speaking to a child. Once you have that, decide it is really says something important, and then finesses it (but only a little!) to make it more formal.

That's the first paragraph. I'll stop there. If you want more feedback (writing only, not content as it pertains to what should be in a statement since that's not my forte), feel free to PM me your edits to that paragraph and then I'll take a look at the rest.

 

[seaconnor]

First post. Just started the recruiting process and drafted my motivational statement. For now mostly looking for a content check; I am sure there are lingering flow/wording issues. Appreciate any feedback!

“To serve as you deserve, to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, save that of knowing that I do your will”. This statement encompasses my desire and drive to commission in the United States Navy. It is an excerpt from a prayer by St. Ignatius, who was also a soldier and the founder of the Jesuit order. I attended a Jesuit high school that, outside of any religious beliefs, focused on service for others and self-awareness as an individual. These two principles remained important throughout my life.

In college I had the opportunity to participate in a student chapter of Engineers Without Borders, an international organization focused on providing sustainable engineering solutions to communities in need. From the very first general body meeting I listened to the students in leadership positions discussing all of the incredible things they had accomplished. I knew I wanted to be a part of that and not only participate, but become a project leader. In the following years I volunteered for any task and worked relentlessly to achieve that goal culminating in leading a group of six students on a $50,000 storm water implementation project in Addis Alem, Ethiopia. This experience afforded me the opportunity to travel to an additional 3 foreign countries. However, without fail I always missed America and while enjoying the cultural exposure I could never call anywhere else home. I missed the intangible qualities. I missed our ingenuity and our inclusiveness. I missed the feeling of seeing a flag outside a home and hearing the national anthem at a sporting event. After these experiences concluded I looked for the next challenge and decided to apply to <Omitting Name>, a global consulting firm. I thought the varied daily activities, interfacing with clients, and tackling difficult issues would be a great career. I realized as I started working at <Omitting Name>that, although all of those things are true, it was missing something substantial.

I did not feel as though I was actively leading my life for others, which is what I loved so much about Engineers Without Borders and prior experiences. I remembered those words I recited before each class in high school and the stories my dad would humbly tell about his own time in the Navy. When I reflected on those words and stories I recognized living those principles and experiences was no longer a passing thought. I came to the realization that the Navy is a calling for me. What once was a boyhood fantasy is now a resolute goal and I have since dedicated myself mentally and physically to its realization. I want to serve my country as it deserves, doing so on a level where the expectation is to be the best. I want to give of myself and not be concerned with experiences missed or forgone. I want to fight for the principles that founded and drive my country. I want to toil tirelessly to better myself so that I can better serve others. I want to do all of this with the United States Navy with the pleasure and contentment of knowing all my work and effort serves my family, my fellow sailors and my country.

 

[Gaven Larson]

I am trying to get into the Naval Nuclear Propulsion program and below is my motivational statement for the program. Let me know what you think. Thank you very much for taking your time to help!

When I chose to major in Chemical Engineering, I had only the faintest idea of what a Chemical Engineer’s role was in society. I chose to major in an engineering discipline, because I wanted to learn how to apply my problem solving skills in a manner that would improve the quality of life in society. As I entered my junior year, I discovered that most careers in Chemical Engineering were focused on manufacturing with emphases on increasing profitability and productivity. While these careers are technically challenging, they do not satisfy my desire to be deeply involved in a team where I can apply my technical knowledge in a way that will directly impact the lives of others. I am interested in joining the U.S Navy because I believe a career in an organization, which has played such an instrumental role in protecting my country while maintaining a strong record of humanitarian assistance, would be immensely rewarding. Growing up, I admired the Navy’s quick and thorough response to events such as the 2004 tsunami in the Indian Ocean and the 2010 earthquake in Haiti. Moreover, I believe the U.S. Navy’s unique ability to globally project the power of the United States military has been an important deterrent for numerous conflicts saving countless numbers of lives. Through the NUPOC program, I hope to develop skills that will allow me to support the U.S. Navy’s efforts in protecting my country and being present during times of adversity.

Early in my Life, I had a strong desire to achieve goals that were above and beyond the expectations that were placed upon me. At the age of 14, I enrolled in community college and by the age of 16 I was a full time student. Concurrently, I devoted myself sports and by the age of 16 I had qualified for the Junior Olympics in swimming. I graduated from community college with three associate’s degrees and a 3.88 GPA. By setting high standards on myself at such a young age, I have developed a strong work ethic and ambition which I believe will be beneficial in a career with the Navy.

While I was a student at the <School Name>, I was involved in several research projects where I was able to demonstrate my ability to work with precision, responsibility, and dedication. During my junior and senior year, I was a member of the Alzheimer’s Disease (AD) research group lead by <Supervisor Name>. My work involved the detailed molecular level engineering of enzymes to give them specific properties that would make them potential therapeutics for the treatment of AD. While I was working in the AD research group, I was able to increase the serum stability of several mutant enzymes improving their therapeutic potential. After graduation, I joined the diabetes research group lead by <Supervisor Name> at UCSB. While working in the <Name> Group, I have been able to develop a database and a graphical user interface for managing and analyzing data obtained from clinical trials involving their artificial pancreas. Additionally, I developed software that would efficiently perform error analysis and generate professional figures using information in the database. The software which I designed will give the researchers the potential to quickly analyze results from clinical trials allowing them to publish their findings quickly and efficiently.

In order to successfully complete my projects, I had to quickly learn new concepts which were not within the scope of my major. My ability to learn independently and to rapidly adapt to new challenges enabled me to complete my tasks to the highest of standards. Moreover, the collaborative setting, in which my research was conducted, gave me valuable leadership and team building skills.

Given the opportunity, I would be honored to serve in the Navy and advance the United State’s goal of maintaining national security at home and abroad. My academic success and exemplary performance in my undergraduate research projects will ensure that I will thrive in the Naval Officers program and become a productive member of the U.S. Navy. Concurrently, my belief that the U.S. Navy is one of the most altruistic and important organizations in existence, provides me with a great deal of motivation to exceed the Navy’s expectations as a dedicated member of its ranks.

 

[Hump]

Hey guys, long time lurker. Here's my MS. My recruiter wants my packet in by the 23 and this is my 2nd revision. How'd I do?

It is my greatest desire to serve as a commissioned officer in the United States Navy. I thoroughly reviewed the options available to me to serve the country I love, and the Navy stands above them all. My grandfather served his country in World War II, left the safety of his life in Pensacola for the danger and uncertainty of the Pacific, and enlisted in the Army Air Corps. Being a part of something much bigger than ourselves is something my generation strives for, but few actually achieve. To proudly serve in the armed forces is a calling, and and one that I want to answer.

My first love has always been Naval Aviation, but because I chose to attend the University of Georgia, the Air Force ROTC unit looked to be the best path to service. As an Air Force ROTC cadet, I held numerous leadership positions. I went through the candidate training program for Arnold Air Society, the honors service organization within ROTC. I became a member of AAS and held leadership positions both in the society and in the cadet corps, and led my fellow cadets as Deputy Squadron Commander of Black Squadron during preparations for Field Training at Maxwell Air Force Base. I learned to perform with excellence and to lead other cadets to execute and complete their missions. I learned many things in the two years I spend as a cadet, but the most important lesson I learned was when I was not selected for the final two years of training. I am not a 4.0 student. The blame belongs only to me. I was not selected because I put too much effort into being a cadet and not enough into being a student, and because of this and my non-technical major, I was not selected to attend Field Training with the rest of my peers. To say this was devastating would be an understatement. Looking back at what I did to become “super cadet,” I realized that an officer must take care of his responsibilities before he can lead anyone. I reevaluated my priorities and decided to challenge myself to complete my degree as quickly as possible, even though I still had three semesters left of classes to graduate. Balancing a job and a full load of classes one semester and taking 18 hours my last spring semester left me with two classes to complete, which I finished in summer school and graduated at the end of the summer, pulling up my GPA in the process.

My motivation to seek a commission comes in part from my love of aviation and my studies in college. Naval aviation in particular interests me because the unique challenges of flying are combined with the opportunity to lead and mentor my fellow Sailors. Mentoring and leading were two skills I learned and used in one of my extracurricular activities I was heavily involved in during my time at the University of Georgia. I led students as an Administrator for Humans vs Zombies, a club and campus activity with over 1000 members at the UGA. As an administrator, I was tasked with leading the players and mentoring the Moderators to one day take over my duties. I took people who just met and led them to coordinate and watch each others backs to accomplish our objectives in the missions we held every night, and in doing so, learned how to bring the strengths out of people. The best thing about leading in that club was seeing all people, from all different places come and work together to get the job done for their team and knowing that in some small way, you had an impact on them.

My passion for aviation has been with me as long as I can remember. I have put in my own money to begin to learn to fly while working full time and have been encouraged by my parents and those closest to me to chase my dream of becoming a Naval Aviator. Taking flight lessons means making sacrifices, but I don’t look at it that way. These sacrifices make me appreciate the ability to fly, and in doing so, I realize that life with the Navy would be similar. The sacrifices I would make to protect freedom and the people I care about would make me appreciate them that much more. I want to uphold the Navy core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment and I believe I possess the leadership skills, will, and attitude necessary to make a positive impact as an officer in the United States Navy.