Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[grant_davis]

After several failed attempts I think I am finally heading in the right direction.. I HAVE to turn this in by tomorrow so any help would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I should bake cookies or something for the whole AW community, yall have been instrumental in helping me get through this process and I am extremely grateful... Thanks again for any advise, (It is three in the morning and I just finished so if there are any crazy spelling errors or weird sentences I apologize and will correct in the morning)


I am a firm believer that every person who shares in the freedoms of America should give back to it in some way. While I was trying to decide which branch of service would best suit me I had the privilege of taking to several retired Navy veterans. Each of whom said serving in the Navy was the greatest source of pride and accomplishment in their lives. After meeting with recruiters from every branch I believe in my heart I belong in Naval Aviation. Naval Aviation would give me the chance to combine my love for aviation with the opportunity to lead others. Serving as a Navy Officer would also give me the chance to fight side by side and learn from some of the most respected men and women in the world. I can think of no more challenging or rewarding career than that of a Navy Officer.

Officers command respect but with respect comes responsibility. I have worked hard to develop my leadership skills and often find myself in positions where others are looking up to me. As a youth group leader, officer in my fraternity and captain of a soccer team, I strive to constantly make sure I am setting a good example for others to follow. I found that it is impossible to be an effective leader without setting a strong example. If given the opportunity to lead in the Navy I will work by example to instill the core values of honor, courage and commitment into every sailor.

Since I was a kid I have had a passion for traveling and learning about other cultures. I have been blessed with the opportunity to travel to many countries and experience many different ways of life. The knowledge I gained from other cultures cannot be taught in any classroom and will help me relate to a larger group of people. Serving in the Navy will give me the opportunity to satisfy my love of travel while using my knowledge of other cultures to lead people from different backgrounds.

The freedom shared by all Americans has been pied for by the blood and courage of our ancestors. I am seeking commission in the United States Navy as a way of giving thanks for their dedication and commitment. If given the opportunity I will strive to perform my duty with the excellence and distinction expected of a Navy officer.

 

[grant_davis]

I posted a revised copy of my essay and then realized it was dumb to have two essays posted back to back so I copied and pasted this one up. I cant figure out how to delete the post and did not want to leave the area blank. Sorry about the multiple post.

 

[BullGator]

I got your PM and tried to help. I am a zoology major however, and haven't taken a college English course since in High School; so take my suggestions (In Blue; comments in red) with a grain of salt and do what you think is best.

I am a firm believer that every person who shares in the freedoms of (America) -the United States- should give back (to it) in some way. While I was trying to decide which branch of service would best suit me I had the privilege of taking to several retired Navy veterans. Each of whom said serving in the Navy was the greatest source of pride and accomplishment in their lives. (After meeting with recruiters from every branch I believe in my heart I belong in Naval Aviation.) Serving as a Navy Officer would also give me the chance to fight side by side and learn from some of the most respected men and women in the world. I can think of no more challenging or rewarding career than that of a Navy Officer. Naval Aviation would give me the chance to combine my love for aviation with the opportunity to lead others. -[moved; I would consider taking this sentance out.]

Officers command respect but with respect comes responsibility. (I have worked hard to develop my leadership skills and often find myself in positions where others are looking up to me) [the Navy will develop your leadership skills in training and at OCS. Just so you know. I think going directly into the next sentance would work well, but it is your choice]. As a youth group leader, officer [what position?] in my fraternity and captain of a soccer team, I strive to constantly make sure I am setting a good example for others to follow. I found that it is impossible (-?) to be an effective leader without setting a strong example. If given the opportunity to lead in the Navy I will work by example to instill the core values of honor, courage and commitment into every sailor [a little cheesy in that they know the core values, and how could you possibly know courage yet? Probably better to say honor, then example of honor. Then commitment, and then an example. Or just say core values and not list them].

(Since I was a kid I have) -I have always- had a (passion) –(Another word? maybe -enthusiasm-) for traveling and learning about other cultures. (I have been blessed with the opportunity to travel to many countries and experience many different ways of life) [they will see this in your application itself -the second-to-last page. I'd take it out]. The knowledge I gained from other cultures cannot be taught in any classroom and will help me relate to a (larger) -diverse- group of people. Serving in the Navy will give me the opportunity to satisfy my love of travel while using my knowledge of other cultures to lead people from different backgrounds. [Very heavy on the travel aspect. I'd cut it down and use some of the extra word space to augment your second paragraph. And add this shortened paragraph to your first paragraph, into one paragraph.]

The freedom shared by all Americans has been (pied) -paid- for by the blood and courage of our ancestors. I am seeking commission in the United States Navy (as a way of giving thanks for their dedication and commitment) [Sounds weird. Your call]. If given the opportunity I will strive to perform my duty with the excellence and distinction expected of a Navy officer.

 

[grant_davis]

Thanks again for the help, great advise.

 

[Res784]

Hi all,

I'm preparing my motivational statement right now and have been browsing different examples, and it seems that a lot of people are including "honor, courage, commitment..." Personally, I think it looks cheesy. The selection board obviously looks through all the applications and you can safely assume that there's a large portion of them with the same sentence, in some form or another. Its kind of like the obligatory "I Work well with others and as a team" that most people put on a resume.

Obviously, its not required, but is it in our best interest to include those three words?

Thanks!

 

[OUSOONER]

This was the one I sent off with mine...after countless revisions and as fluff-less as possible.

" [FONT=&quot]Being Iranian-American, I witnessed first-hand what this country can do for someone. My father arrived here, met my mother, and together were afforded the opportunity to make a decent living. This allowed me to get a good education and I am thankful. Apart from being drawn to aviation at an early age, it has always been my dream to one day become an officer and lead men and women in the United States Navy. I would like to give back to this country that gave so much to my family by fulfilling, what I feel, is my obligation to serve.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] The Navy seems a natural fit for me. I feel like I fit because I am drawn to the Navy’s “whole person concept”. I get a sense that the Navy is very team oriented, something that I feel quite comfortable being a part of, because of my years in athletics. I was not a 4.0 student through no fault but my own. I know what it is like to experience failure; however,I know what it is like to overcome it as well. Due to poor academic performance, I took a year off from school and learned some valuable lessons. The most valuable, is that nothing is given to you. Through hard work, you will be rewarded. Since then, I have maintained two steady jobs simultaneously, as well as an internship at Boeing. During this time, I have maintained a full course load and have excelled. My academic counselor revealed to me that it was the biggest rebound she had witnessed in a student. In each of my last six semesters, I have produced 3.0 and above grade points and I completed my degree in August of 2008.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] I have been a competitor and a teammate almost my entire life. A desire to achieve success even when times get tough is a strong trait of mine. This determination is what has allowed me to improve my academic performance. I will use this competitive spirit and team oriented attitude to help guide me through the adversity that I will inevitably face as an officer. I am eager to be given the chance to pursue the ‘wings of gold’, but more importantly, a chance to become a distinguished commissioned officer in the United States Navy. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Thank you for considering my application and thank you for your service. [/FONT]"

 

[bucks87]

What do you guys think of this one?


My entire life I have looked up to men and women in uniform. I have always been amazed at the sacrifices they make every day to protect our freedoms. The freedom U.S. citizens enjoy is a gift paid for with the sacrifices of these men and women who have been serving our country for over 232 years. I hope to use my abilities and experience as a leader to serve and give this gift to myself, my friends, my family, and future generations.
Spending two years as the Senior Patrol Leader of my Boy Scout troop taught me a lot about leadership. The most important thing it taught me was to lead by example. I quickly learned that the honest respect of everyone I led was crucial to success. The best way I found to do this was to present an example they could follow. I would never expect someone to meet standards that I did not exceed myself. I would always strive to have the neatest uniform, be early to all events, be the most prepared and work harder than everyone. All of this experience helped me to complete my Eagle Project. To do this I had to organize and direct four members of the Centerville Park District, a gravel company, several parents and over 15 scouts.
I have also gained some leadership experience as the Steward (kitchen manager) of my chapter of the Sigma Chi Fraternity. This job requires me to manage a $50,000 annual budget, two employees, and an industrial sized kitchen. It has taught me to be committed in everything you agree to do. Everything needs to be ready for every meal, day in and day out. I have to plan my time effectively because no matter the circumstances, the people I serve do not care about excuses, only results.
I want to dedicate my life to serving what I believe is the greatest country in the world. I strongly believe that my abilities and experience will be best suited to doing this as a Naval Officer. I am confident that I will use the opportunity the Navy can give to realize my full potential as a leader. For all of these reasons I am requesting that you accept my application for Commission with the United States Navy.

 

[nugget61]

What do you guys think of this one?


My entire life I have looked up to men and women in uniform. I have always been amazed at the sacrifices they make every day to protect our freedoms. The freedom U.S. citizens enjoy is a gift paid for with the sacrifices of these men and women who have been serving our country for over 232 years. I hope to use my abilities and experience as a leader to serve and give this gift to myself, my friends, my family, and future generations.
Spending two years as the Senior Patrol Leader of my Boy Scout troop taught me a lot about leadership. The most important thing it taught me was to lead by example. I quickly learned that the honest respect of everyone I led was crucial to success. The best way I found to do this was to present an example they could follow. I would never expect someone to meet standards that I did not exceed myself. I would always strive to have the neatest uniform, be early to all events, be the most prepared and work harder than everyone. All of this experience helped me to complete my Eagle Project. To do this I had to organize and direct four members of the Centerville Park District, a gravel company, several parents and over 15 scouts.
I have also gained some leadership experience as the Steward (kitchen manager) of my chapter of the Sigma Chi Fraternity. This job requires me to manage a $50,000 annual budget, two employees, and an industrial sized kitchen. It has taught me to be committed in everything you agree to do. Everything needs to be ready for every meal, day in and day out. I have to plan my time effectively because no matter the circumstances, the people I serve do not care about excuses, only results.
I want to dedicate my life to serving what I believe is the greatest country in the world. I strongly believe that my abilities and experience will be best suited to doing this as a Naval Officer. I am confident that I will use the opportunity the Navy can give to realize my full potential as a leader. For all of these reasons I am requesting that you accept my application for Commission with the United States Navy.

Just going to throw out what stuck out to me:
-Lots of short sentences in the beginning.
-You spend a lot of time on Scouts... yeah, its important and was a big part of your life, but it seems like the focus of your essay. I would also leave out details of the project - the know you're an eagle.
-Take out the clarifier 'kitchen manager'; it seemed to downplay the importance of your role in the frat
-You might want to put in a line about why you want the position you're applying for.

GL dude

 

[coolbobsfam]

Hello... I'm new. I've been browsing this site a lot in the past week and have learned a TON.

Anyway, I was hoping someone could give this a read and offer some thoughts. Yes, I'm posting this for my husband. You can be assured that he'll read everything; I'm just trying to be supportive and helpful . FWIW he is currently AD USAF. He's scheduled for the ASTB in 2 weeks.



My desire to become a Navy Officer comes from many different motivational areas. First and foremost, I believe that I have the determination, education, and strong work ethic to undertake such a great task. During college, military training, and military service I have strived for one goal, to better myself. I believe that there is no greater job than serving in the military and to be a leader in the military is one of the greatest honors there is. When researching different the commissioning opportunities I found that the United States Navy’s officers are the best trained, respected and motivated. I know I have what it takes to be a member of this elite group and look forward to a career serving in this great leadership role.

If given the chance to serve as a leader I will continue to shine above the rest as one of the best our nation has to offer. I have an exemplary service record and have proved myself time and time again. I have won several awards in recognition of my good work efforts. I am currently the acting Airman of the Year for the 55th Communications Squadron at Offutt AFB, won the Airman of the Quarter award for the July-September 2007 Quarter. I have also won the 55 Communications Squadrons spotlight award which requires not only maintaining military bearing in front of Senior Non-Commissioned Officers and knowledge of military customs and courtesies, but proof of outstanding workmanship. I was also promoted to Senior Airman 6 months early in an extremely competitive promotions process known as Below the Zone.

Throughout my Enlistment I have always been looked to by my peers for leadership. Even while serving as an Airman I have been called upon to serve in leadership roles designated for NCO’s. I know I have what it takes to lead in an Officer role and I look forward to applying my natural skills to benefit the United States Navy. I believe I exemplify honor, courage, and commitment and know that I am able to lead others with these values in constant view. Admiral Arleigh Burke said:

“Any commander who fails to exceed his authority is of no use to his subordinates.”

I take this to mean always serve beyond your station. I know if given this opportunity I will continue to serve above all expectations.


ETA~ It's currently 411 words.

 

[jus2mch]

Hello... I'm new. I've been browsing this site a lot in the past week and have learned a TON.

Anyway, I was hoping someone could give this a read and offer some thoughts. Yes, I'm posting this for my husband. You can be assured that he'll read everything; I'm just trying to be supportive and helpful . FWIW he is currently AD USAF. He's scheduled for the ASTB in 2 weeks.



My desire to become a Navy Officer comes from many different motivational areas. First and foremost, I believe that I have the determination, education, and strong work ethic to undertake such a great task. During college, military training, and military service I have strived for one goal, to better myself. I believe that there is no greater job than serving in the military and to be a leader in the military is one of the greatest honors there is. When researching different the commissioning opportunities I found that the United States Navy’s officers are the best trained, respected and motivated. I know I have what it takes to be a member of this elite group and look forward to a career serving in this great leadership role.

If given the chance to serve as a leader I will continue to shine above the rest as one of the best our nation has to offer. I have an exemplary service record and have proved myself time and time again. I have won several awards in recognition of my good work efforts. I am currently the acting Airman of the Year for the 55th Communications Squadron at Offutt AFB, won the Airman of the Quarter award for the July-September 2007 Quarter. I have also won the 55 Communications Squadrons spotlight award which requires not only maintaining military bearing in front of Senior Non-Commissioned Officers and knowledge of military customs and courtesies, but proof of outstanding workmanship. I was also promoted to Senior Airman 6 months early in an extremely competitive promotions process known as Below the Zone.

Throughout my Enlistment I have always been looked to by my peers for leadership. Even while serving as an Airman I have been called upon to serve in leadership roles designated for NCO’s. I know I have what it takes to lead in an Officer role and I look forward to applying my natural skills to benefit the United States Navy. I believe I exemplify honor, courage, and commitment and know that I am able to lead others with these values in constant view. Admiral Arleigh Burke said:

“Any commander who fails to exceed his authority is of no use to his subordinates.”

I take this to mean always serve beyond your station. I know if given this opportunity I will continue to serve above all expectations.


ETA~ It's currently 411 words.

What motivational areas? Lots of "have". What specific leadership roles designed for NCO's? I think you should sum up your awards in a couple sentences, and concentrate on the leadership roles that break you out from your peers. Overall good foundation just needs some tweak and peak.

 

[coolbobsfam]

What motivational areas? Lots of "have". What specific leadership roles designed for NCO's? I think you should sum up your awards in a couple sentences, and concentrate on the leadership roles that break you out from your peers. Overall good foundation just needs some tweak and peak.

Thanks for the input. It has been greatly reworked and this is the "new and improved" version. Thank you, again, for the help.

To be an Officer means to be a mature person who has the ability to lead and the willingness to take responsibility for their actions and the actions of their men. During my enlistment in the United States Air Force I have been consistently looked to for leadership among my peers. As early as basic training I was appointed as the leader of an element within my flight of 55 Airmen and was held accountable for their every action. I am currently the base Telephone Control Officer (TCO) at Offutt AFB. I am entrusted to lead all subordinate TCO’s toward accomplishing our mission; to fly, fight and win. I am also charged with managing the 11 telecommunication work crews and assisting them with everything; from getting their needed supplies to assisting with technical problems above their scope of knowledge.
An Officer must exemplify honor, courage and commitment by always setting a positive example, which I believe I have accomplished. Even while serving on Active Duty I have managed to raise four children, stay active in the community and complete my Bachelor’s degree with a 3.74 GPA. I am the current Airman of the Year for the 55th Communication’s Squadron and was promoted to Senior Airman Below-the-Zone.

Admiral Arleigh Burke said: 
“Any commander who fails to exceed his authority is of no use to his subordinates.”   

This statement inspires me to always serve beyond expectations. I understand the sacrifices required when being a leader and eagerly await the opportunity. A leader is a servant to ones men, and I look forward to serving in the United States Navy.

 

[BigL17]

sounds good

 

[ChuckMK23]

 

[cooleyaid]

Motivational Statement

Any thoughts are appreciated.

When I initially joined the Navy out of high school, I had no idea the kind of transformational experience serving my country would be. Through the great mentorship of the leaders around me, I was able to accomplish more than I could have ever imagined. I’ve had the opportunity to travel the world and experience many new cultures. I’ve succeeded professionally by completing challenging qualifications and leadership roles. I even had a chance to complete my Associates degree on active duty. All of my accomplishments were made possible by the supportive, yet challenging, environment created by my leadership teams.

Wanting to take my naval career to the next level I applied for a commission. My goal as a Naval Officer would be to ensure the opportunities to succeed are available to all the sailors in my charge. My personal experiences are an example that if given the chance, any motivated sailor can succeed. And when its sailors succeed, the Navy will too.

Unfortunately I was unable to accomplish my commission goals while on active duty. However, rather than look at the situation as a failure, I chose to take it as an opportunity to prove I could succeed and continue my growth.

Building on my growing interest in international relations, I made an effort to learn how countries interact with each other. My major in International Studies allowed me to study the Chinese language, continue my foreign travels, and truly understand the motivations of people from foreign countries. This understanding is increasingly important with the growing international conflicts that the United States, and our allies, face today.

These ongoing conflicts the United States faces compel me to renew my commitment to serve the American people. As an Intelligence Officer, my focus will be to deliver the information our warfighters need to ensure the continued safety of our citizens. I’m confident, with the excellent training the Navy provides, I will be more than capable of completing this mission. Allow me this opportunity to serve and I will continue to perform at the highest levels. Thank you for your consideration.

 

[4ageminor]

Would someone be willing to proofread this/ give me some pointers? I've read most of the threads, but think it would be beneficial for someone to tear apart a statement that is actually my own. Its 398 words.



Even from a young age, I have dreamed of serving my country. The United States of America has given me the gift of freedom and the opportunity to lead a prosperous and successful life. But growing up, i was told to "go to college, the military isn't for you." I ignorantly abided, with the intention of paying back my country by aspiring to work at Northrop Grumman Marine Systems as manufacturing engineer. It was not until I received an email about the NUPOC program that my life goal had suddenly shifted. I realized that college graduates DO have a place in the service of America. I am thankful that God has given me a great analytical mind and hope to use it as a tool in the defense of the greatest nation on Earth.

As a Nuclear Propulsion Officer, I would be able to donate my strengths and assets in the most efficient manner possible. My leadership skills are demonstrated by the appointment given to me as the Westec Manufacturing competition team captain by the Society of Manufacturing Engineers at Cal Poly. My fellow club mates have acknowledged that I have the skill set necessary to oversee the project, assign tasks, make important decisions, and be directly accountable for any issues that may arise. Although this responsibility is minuscule in comparison to that of a Naval Officer, it shows that I am committed to grow as a leader. Leadership skills are worthless, however, with out an exemplary work ethic. My academics, personal projects, and work history alone are proof of my ability to work hard when necessary. I have always stood by the saying that success is exactly proportional to effort, and am proud to say that because of this I have never failed an exam, given up on a personal project, or been fired from a job. If given a commission in the US Navy, I will continue to live by this moral with the same positive attitude.

The Navy will do more for me than I could ever imagine. Men and women who have the distinction of serving in uniform all wear the core values of honor, courage, and commitment on their sleeve in the form of the American Flag. If given the opportunity, I will one day be able to live by the same values with pride as a United States Naval Officer.