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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
GrandFromage
New Member
Oh its true alright, i was trying to get a good introduction with it to give a feel of who I am...again, thanks for the help
Lucy
Member
GrandFromage- Thought of this earlier but didn't want to type it on my phone. "At 18 I looked fire in the eye and did not flinch. Standing in a burning inferno so hot my helmet started to melt, I held fast until..." That was the feeling I got from reading your couple different versions impact wise, but seems a little simpler and cuts a few words.
BoL!
Lucy
M26- Thanks. If alright, I might chime in sometimes. I miss doing English editing/tutoring.
BoL!
Lucy
M26- Thanks. If alright, I might chime in sometimes. I miss doing English editing/tutoring.
james23
New Member
Finally finished first draft 
I would appreciate it if some people can give me input/feedback/corrections. Thanks a lot guys. 407 words 
My calling began on September 11th, 2001. When tragedy struck America, I too felt the unrelenting pain. I knew from then on, my fate was sealed to join the armed forces. The core values the Navy instill in its sailors, along with the versatility the Navy possesses, truly allures me. This nation has given my family and I so much, I would like to graciously pay back my debts by honorably serving. I hope to ensure security for our country if given the opportunity to serve in the United States Navy.
Throughout life, I have always taken an active role in team sports, leadership programs, and academics. What truly separates me from others is how I thrive on adversity; driving me to dig deeper to accomplish my goal. Over the years, I became affiliated with sports where I adapted quickly and exceeded as a team and as an individual. Growing up wrestling, I learned to keep persistent and overcome any obstacles that stood in my way. I took innitiative and joined my university's board committee as I took on the responsibility to speak for students on their behalf. Soon after, I was appointed to become an ambassador to mentor new students where I committed myself to working long hours while maintaining a positive attitude. Till this day, my fellow colleagues continue to express their gratitude for the guidance I have given them. As a role model, I continue to do all my tasks with integrity, as I set an example for others. Regardless of programs, I did not neglect my academics as I held a high GPA and earned a spot on the dean's list numerous times. From my experiences, I have learned that in order to lead, I must first be led.
All I have accomplished has prepared me for this moment as I humbly seek commission. I strongly believe I can contribute to the Navy by bringing my dynamic traits, experiences, and commitment. I am certain the Navy will provide me everlasting challenges and memorable growth, as well as the core values it is respected for. My desire to learn, adapt, and grow has given me the perseverance to constantly strive forward, and will point me in the right direction to excel as a Naval Officer. No one in my family has served, and to stand with pride amongst our nation's heroes would be an honor; regardless of any situation, I will lead by example.
I would appreciate it if some people can give me input/feedback/corrections. Thanks a lot guys. 407 words My calling began on September 11th, 2001. When tragedy struck America, I too felt the unrelenting pain. I knew from then on, my fate was sealed to join the armed forces. The core values the Navy instill in its sailors, along with the versatility the Navy possesses, truly allures me. This nation has given my family and I so much, I would like to graciously pay back my debts by honorably serving. I hope to ensure security for our country if given the opportunity to serve in the United States Navy.
Throughout life, I have always taken an active role in team sports, leadership programs, and academics. What truly separates me from others is how I thrive on adversity; driving me to dig deeper to accomplish my goal. Over the years, I became affiliated with sports where I adapted quickly and exceeded as a team and as an individual. Growing up wrestling, I learned to keep persistent and overcome any obstacles that stood in my way. I took innitiative and joined my university's board committee as I took on the responsibility to speak for students on their behalf. Soon after, I was appointed to become an ambassador to mentor new students where I committed myself to working long hours while maintaining a positive attitude. Till this day, my fellow colleagues continue to express their gratitude for the guidance I have given them. As a role model, I continue to do all my tasks with integrity, as I set an example for others. Regardless of programs, I did not neglect my academics as I held a high GPA and earned a spot on the dean's list numerous times. From my experiences, I have learned that in order to lead, I must first be led.
All I have accomplished has prepared me for this moment as I humbly seek commission. I strongly believe I can contribute to the Navy by bringing my dynamic traits, experiences, and commitment. I am certain the Navy will provide me everlasting challenges and memorable growth, as well as the core values it is respected for. My desire to learn, adapt, and grow has given me the perseverance to constantly strive forward, and will point me in the right direction to excel as a Naval Officer. No one in my family has served, and to stand with pride amongst our nation's heroes would be an honor; regardless of any situation, I will lead by example.
Lucy
Member
Hi James 23,
My read through was very offputting. The vocabulary you have used seems to exceed what you are actually saying. The examples you used are really vague and don't eluded to the achievements you list with them. But for me, the first and last sections need to be redone first. While the motivation to serve is fine, it seems very generic and doesn't aid as to why you versus the multitude of others for are commissioning. Remember we all want to serve to honor our country. And the last section focuses on what they Navy will do for you, instead of inforcing how you will be an asset to the Navy.
I did see your previous posts, and you did do a fair job of correcting grammar, at least from the other versions. Grammar still needs some work, but I would work on the bigger picture first.
Good Luck,
Lucy
My read through was very offputting. The vocabulary you have used seems to exceed what you are actually saying. The examples you used are really vague and don't eluded to the achievements you list with them. But for me, the first and last sections need to be redone first. While the motivation to serve is fine, it seems very generic and doesn't aid as to why you versus the multitude of others for are commissioning. Remember we all want to serve to honor our country. And the last section focuses on what they Navy will do for you, instead of inforcing how you will be an asset to the Navy.
I did see your previous posts, and you did do a fair job of correcting grammar, at least from the other versions. Grammar still needs some work, but I would work on the bigger picture first.
Good Luck,
Lucy
Lucy
Member
No problem James. Maybe try to focus on one achievement that shows leaderships/responsibility/inititive instead of encompassing everything. Remember you have LOR's to help supplement your achievements so focus on your motivation and not so much on the resume listing of activities. BTW, this is all coming from a tutor/editor, not as a select (yet) so I am basing this on good essay skills in general which should be the first step.
Lucy
Lucy
You don't need my permission. Besides, an extra set of eyes is always good, especially if you actually studied English! (as opposed to me
)
james23
New Member
Second draft, I would appreciate feedback and input please! Thanks in advance everyone
I can write books on what this country has given my family and me this far. Rather, I will like to graciously pay my debts to my country by honorably serving. Throughout life, I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself and I finally found that in the Navy. The core values the Navy instill in its sailors, along with the versatility the Navy possesses, truly allures me. I want to rise up to the challenge and take part in protecting our proud nation.
Growing up wrestling, I have learned the meaning of discipline, persistence, and courage. The commitment of staying in top physical condition truly tested my mental strengths. My desire to win motivated me to endure the strict diets and torturous workouts. In practice, I would take on the burden to wrestle my coach who outweighed me by four weight classes. I still remember the ache on my back, and the sweat in my eyes before every take down I achieved. Wrestling taught me to thrive on adversity; driving me to dig deeper to accomplish my goal.
The attitude I've developed from wrestling will take me far in the Navy. I will use my impulsive instincts and take charge in the absence of orders. My willingness to never give up on my team and myself will help inspire others. After being faced with demons of doubt, I am able to withstand these demanding challenges and exert my greatest effort. Having gained these essential characteristics, I utilized these skills to become a better student and leader in school.
All I have accomplished in life has prepared me for this moment as I humbly seek commission. I strongly believe I can contribute to the Navy by bringing my dynamic skills, leadership experiences, and my devoted heart. I want to lead and inspire the finest sailors in the world, while living a life of honor, courage and commitment. I am certain the Navy will provide me everlasting challenges and memorable growth for as long as I live. My desire to learn, adapt, and grow has given me the perseverance to constantly strive forward, and will point me in the right direction to excel as a Naval Officer. No one in my family has served, and to be the first to stand with pride amongst our nation's heroes would be an honor; regardless of any situation, I will lead by example.
I can write books on what this country has given my family and me this far. Rather, I will like to graciously pay my debts to my country by honorably serving. Throughout life, I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself and I finally found that in the Navy. The core values the Navy instill in its sailors, along with the versatility the Navy possesses, truly allures me. I want to rise up to the challenge and take part in protecting our proud nation.
Growing up wrestling, I have learned the meaning of discipline, persistence, and courage. The commitment of staying in top physical condition truly tested my mental strengths. My desire to win motivated me to endure the strict diets and torturous workouts. In practice, I would take on the burden to wrestle my coach who outweighed me by four weight classes. I still remember the ache on my back, and the sweat in my eyes before every take down I achieved. Wrestling taught me to thrive on adversity; driving me to dig deeper to accomplish my goal.
The attitude I've developed from wrestling will take me far in the Navy. I will use my impulsive instincts and take charge in the absence of orders. My willingness to never give up on my team and myself will help inspire others. After being faced with demons of doubt, I am able to withstand these demanding challenges and exert my greatest effort. Having gained these essential characteristics, I utilized these skills to become a better student and leader in school.
All I have accomplished in life has prepared me for this moment as I humbly seek commission. I strongly believe I can contribute to the Navy by bringing my dynamic skills, leadership experiences, and my devoted heart. I want to lead and inspire the finest sailors in the world, while living a life of honor, courage and commitment. I am certain the Navy will provide me everlasting challenges and memorable growth for as long as I live. My desire to learn, adapt, and grow has given me the perseverance to constantly strive forward, and will point me in the right direction to excel as a Naval Officer. No one in my family has served, and to be the first to stand with pride amongst our nation's heroes would be an honor; regardless of any situation, I will lead by example.
James, I like where you're going here, I really do, but frankly that was an unmitigated disaster. I was just going to get to it eventually, but this needs urgent care.
"I can write books on...?" First, you want to use "could." The expression is "novels," and while novels are fictional, the expression is there for a reason - namely, because "books" just sounds awful.
Also, it's "thus far/"
Again, you want "would." Alternatively, you could remain in the present tense by saying "I intend to" or some such.
"Honorably serving?" I know what that means, but it's vague and roughly worded.
So ever since God touched Adam's finger, or since the first amorphous glob of carbon was struck by lightning and sprouted into life (depending on your worldview) you've wanted to be part of something bigger than yourself?
If you change it to "throughout my life," lose the comma after "life."
I recommend splitting this into two sentences.
1) Huh?
2) Noooo....
You just rise to a challenge.
I think this time you actually want the past tense. (i.e. delete "have")
"Strength" maybe isn't the right word, but if it is, there's no "s."
Delete "the."
"Take on the burden?" Nothing is wrong grammatically, but it is not good writing.
Comma, not semicolon.
"Goal" or "goals?"
ORLY?
Dear. God. No.
Another ORLY?
Willingness is useless. How about your refusal to give up?
What demons? What challenges? What characteristics?
I see impulsive instincts (which should be deleted), indomitable spirit (in a few forms)... and that's it.
What makes a skill dynamic?
Boooooo, for gratuitous insertion of core values.
Otherwise good.
Everlasting challenges? You better hope not.
Memorable growth? Ehhhh......
Just a bad sentence.
Same. You can use a semicolon to link like that, except that these two clauses have nothing to do with each other. First one is solid. The second one just needs to go.
"I can write books on...?" First, you want to use "could." The expression is "novels," and while novels are fictional, the expression is there for a reason - namely, because "books" just sounds awful.
Also, it's "thus far/"
Again, you want "would." Alternatively, you could remain in the present tense by saying "I intend to" or some such.
"Honorably serving?" I know what that means, but it's vague and roughly worded.
So ever since God touched Adam's finger, or since the first amorphous glob of carbon was struck by lightning and sprouted into life (depending on your worldview) you've wanted to be part of something bigger than yourself?
If you change it to "throughout my life," lose the comma after "life."
I recommend splitting this into two sentences.
1) Huh?
2) Noooo....
You just rise to a challenge.
I think this time you actually want the past tense. (i.e. delete "have")
"Strength" maybe isn't the right word, but if it is, there's no "s."
Delete "the."
"Take on the burden?" Nothing is wrong grammatically, but it is not good writing.
Comma, not semicolon.
"Goal" or "goals?"
ORLY?
Dear. God. No.
Another ORLY?
Willingness is useless. How about your refusal to give up?
What demons? What challenges? What characteristics?
I see impulsive instincts (which should be deleted), indomitable spirit (in a few forms)... and that's it.
What makes a skill dynamic?
Boooooo, for gratuitous insertion of core values.
Otherwise good.
Everlasting challenges? You better hope not.
Memorable growth? Ehhhh......
Just a bad sentence.
Same. You can use a semicolon to link like that, except that these two clauses have nothing to do with each other. First one is solid. The second one just needs to go.